


a sweating, unexploded mine buried deep in his mind

by GaiaMax



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Amputation, Amputee Evan "Buck" Buckley, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Disabled Character, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Established Relationship, Evan "Buck" Buckley Needs A Hug, Flashbacks, Hurt Evan "Buck" Buckley, Hurt/Comfort, Lack of Communication, M/M, Physical Disability, Rating May Change, Self-Esteem Issues, Strained Relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-20
Updated: 2021-02-01
Packaged: 2021-02-17 23:16:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 161,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21501418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GaiaMax/pseuds/GaiaMax
Summary: A traumatic event can be defined as an event that poses a threat of serious injury or even death to the self or others, bringing with it feelings of profound fear, powerlessness and terror.So just because you left the event, doesn’t mean the event is going to leave you.Because of The Event, Buck lost a leg and so much more, leaving Eddie unable to get away from the after effect of having to make the decision of taking Buck’s leg and the mother of his child dying.Summary changed on 19/10/20 (British date)/  10/19/20 (American date)
Relationships: Athena Grant/Bobby Nash, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Henrietta "Hen" Wilson/Karen Wilson, Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han
Comments: 113
Kudos: 311





	1. "Did I request thee, Maker...?"

**Author's Note:**

> The title of the Fic is from a poem called The Manhunt by Simon Armitage. You don't have to read it but it a nice accompaniment to the idea of this Fic.

**The absolute sacrifice.**

**It means: no more idols but me,**

**Me and you.**

**\- The Munich Mannequins, Sylvia Plath**

* * *

It was Buck’s first day spent with everyone since he had lost. Lost his leg. He thought he was ready, to be around everyone again. He has a prosthetic, he should be ready. But now sat at Athena and Bobby's dinner table, all he felt was pain, soreness and contempt. They were all talking, laughing and joking; eating dinner as one happy big family. Of course, they are happy, they had their jobs, their legs, they could be touched by their partners without feeling disgusted by themselves and they could look at themselves in the mirror. They were happy with their lives; delighting the pleasure of living and not wallowing in the pain of existence.

  
It was Eddie who first noticed it, Buck was staring off at the corner of the room, not engaging with anyone. He brushed his fingers over Buck's hand, gaining the younger man’s attention. “You okay?” His voice heavy with concern.

  
Buck managed to nod, not being able to trust himself to speak. He couldn’t manage to make self engage with the others to even give the appearance of being okay.  
So twenty minutes later, Eddie asked the question again and that drew the attention of the others. This Buck nodded more firmly, that was assumed to be conviction and not the anger, that was simmering beneath the surface.

  
Twenty minutes after that, Eddie asked the question that everyone in the room wanted the answer to. “I’m fine” Buck bit out, the assumption that he was annoyed with the questioning was easier to understand. Chim, Hen, Maddie, Bobby, Athena and Eddie knew that there was still something wrong with Buck and shared worried looks.

  
Another twenty minutes had passed, and Eddie’s concern grew. When most of the group, had left the table for the kitchen to get more wine and the board games. “Are we okay? Are you okay?”

The ‘We’ is what unlocked Buck’s anger. He bolted up, his chair falling behind him. “How can we ever be okay?” Buck began to snarl “You took my leg!” His outburst drew the attention of the group, who watched the couple with caution.

“So I didn’t lose you” Eddie half cried and half snarled marching Buck tone. Stepping closer to Buck reaching with his hand to comfort him.  
Buck chose to move backwards creating a distance between him and his lover. “You didn’t lose anything” Buck stated venom dripping off every word.

“You nearly died, I couldn’t lose another person…Christopher couldn’t lose another person” Eddie pleaded, trying reach for Buck again only for his advancement to be rebuffed. “But clearly, I lost you anyway”

  
Buck begins to walk away, in his anger forgetting he is wearing a prosthetic and puts his full weight on it and begins to fall. Eddie starts to help before Buck demands “don’t!”  
Buck manages to catch himself before he completely ends up on the floor, the movements jerky, uncoordinated and unbalanced. He continues to walk away to the garden. Clear in his stilted stride was extreme pain, dragging his prosthetic leg along the floor in imitation of a walk.

  
When he reached the garden at Athena's house, he sat on a bench with his back facing the house. He was sat looking down in his lap, anger dissipating and guilt surfacing with a terrible force and rate. He knew what he was doing to him and Eddie, his fiance but he's not able to stop himself from resenting him and being grateful to him all at the same time. Buck knows why getting angry at Eddie is easier, it's because he wants him and wants him. Yet they haven't touched each other since the day of the bombing, well have touched each other but not as a couple. He feels like Eddie's kid, a baby who needs constant looking after.

The man didn't know what he hated more his stump or the prosthetic that hurt more than what was it worth. Buck's leg was so painful, but the question was is this phantom pain or the fact that the prosthetic was irritating his leg...his stump. So slowly he undid the strap, his working fingers gingerly as through questioning the decision. Once the strap was off, his hands grasped around the plastic and pulled using more force than what was needed, the leg was off and tossed carelessly on the ground. The pinching and rubbing sensation were gone and Buck breathed out heavily as though he was expelling the feelings the prosthetic limb created. He rolled up his sweatpants and began rubbing the residual limb, seeing the skin raw and trying to get some relief from pain that was caused by the medical device.  


'Crunch' the grass made the sound of being interacted with, Buck assumed it was animal. He didn't think anyone would come out and try to have words with him just yet. So he continued looking down at his lap and rubbing residual limb.

Buck then felt next to him, someone sit down. He didn't think he could deal with anyone from the team right now, so when he looked up and saw it was Karen he was slightly pleased it wasn't someone whose main goal was to keep the team intact and able to coordinate. Karen was dealing with a physical and emotional loss over her own, he felt a kind of solidarity in that.

"He didn't deserve that" Karen stated but her voice was lined with softness as sat next to Buck, eyes roaming over him in concern.

"I know" He replied curt but she could tell that his attitude was towards himself and not her. At the same time, he hastily began to move the leg of the sweatpants to cover the stump, focused on not letting anyone see it. She rested her hand on his forearm giving him a silent reassurance, so he listened and stopped and allowed it to be seen by someone that wasn't him. He still felt that trepidation at someone seeing it, but Karen provided a quiet comfort that the rest of the group was unable to provide.

"It doesn't stop you being angry though, you want them to hurt with you 'cause at the end of the day they still have something you lost." She said in agreement filling the pregnant silence. Feeling comfortable with each other they had changed their seating position to which they were facing each other.

That when Karen could properly see Buck's residual limb, the red-raw skin and the pain written on his face. "Buck, Honey I don't think it should look like that. It's about to start bleeding and you're in a lot of pain" Karen spoke in a questioning tone, Buck looked at her like he was about to cry. "You're in a lot of pain, aren't you? I'm can ask Hen to come down with some painkillers and look at it." When he didn't say anything, she texted Hen and asked her to come to the garden.

When Hen got them there was an air of questioning, intrigue and concern around her, in semi-darkness and way she facing her body mostly turned towards her wife, she couldn't see what was wrong.   
"Something's wrong with his..." Karen spoke hesitantly when Buck stayed silent.

"With my residual limb. Something is wrong" Buck choked out trying to remain emotionally unattached and failing. Hen turned towards Buck and bent down so she was facing it.

Only took a couple of minutes for Hen to diagnose why Buck was in so much pain. Hen features were schooled in worry and concern, Buck thought he could see a wave of hidden anger but his pain was making less unable to pick on body language and blur into the rest of feeling. Hen spoke with the trained softness of a medical professional. "Buck, your prosthetic hasn't been fitted properly." 


	2. To mould me Man

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't written this much this my A-level coursework. This chapter was only meant to be 1000 words and somehow it's over 2500 and I haven't even hit half the stuff I was meant.

**Nothing is so painful to the human mind as a great and sudden change**

**\- Frankenstein, Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley**

* * *

Hen took in a deep-breath rooted annoyance when Buck looked away trying to avoid any negative emotions. This reaction caused her to change her tactics to speaking softly as if she was treating a wild animal that was ready to bolt. "Buck, I need to look at this... and you know I can't do that out in here the dark." The careful and measured tone of Hen's voice regained Buck's attention. Looking at her square in the face the man nodded concisely, but his voice wavered when he stated.

"Okay." They all stayed in the places for a beat that consisted of silence, the awkwardness of the situation pressing on them and the reluctance of Buck to return to their family; filling the atmosphere. Karen adjusted the way she was sitting and this act brought them out of their reverie.

Hen rolled forward on the balls of her feet, standing upright and adjusted her body in preparation for her self-assigned task. She walked to Buck's side, feet hitting the side of the prosthetic and kicking it away, "Buck, I'll help you get inside just lean on me" Hen stated in the motherly tone only she had.

"I know I lost a leg, but it wasn't that heavy. You still won't be able to hold my weight" Buck jested, only to be met with uncertain looks. "That was meant to be a joke, it wasn't a good one. Comedy is hard." Confusion and tiredness laced through his voice. There was a brief moment of questioning before Hen started laughing, he sounded like the pre-amputation Buck and not depression stricken Buck she had only seen in the past four months. The sound of laughter was infectious, Karen joined in first and then Buck followed, the tense mood still there but some of it had been eased.

"I can try" Hen stated with arms crossed in mock offence to being challenged, especially on her firefighter skills. So Buck pulled himself into a half-standing position and Hen put her arm around his back supporting his weight and centring his balance.

* * *

Inside the house, the atmosphere was strained no one knew what to do. They all stood in their places shocked by the argument that seemed to appear out of nowhere. Bobby, with his fatherly instincts kicking in, was the first to move walking with the intention of to comfort Eddie. He wrapped his arm around Eddie's shoulders, his eyes and facial features asking the question before he ever spoke. Eddie resignedly answered "I'm ok. I’m fine. I’m fine. He gets like that sometimes" his tone defensive and unsure, "It's hard for him, he's getting... _better_ ” while wringing his hands. 

The rest of the group knowing that those two needed a moment, stayed the kitchen averting their gazes from the two. “I’m sure. That doesn’t mean you don’t get to feel hurt,” Bobby countered, moving to face him.

“Yes, it does because he’s right. I did do that to him!” the Hispanic man argued back. Eddie’s statements had made Maddie know that she had to get involved in the conversation. She felt sorry for the man because he was the one dealing with the constant fallout of a decision they had made as her brother’s family. “You won’t the only one who made that decision, Eddie,” she spoke up while meeting his eyes. Eddie’s comfort continued with soft words, with more people joining worried about how the man was coping. As they could understand having an angry partner but they couldn’t understand Buck’s emotions, no had lost what he had. The comforting bubble that had been created was broken, by Hen’s phone getting a notification, they were all watching her with interruption and without a word, she left for the garden. 

Hen true to her nature managed to get Buck back to the house but was thankful that it was close. The man was a fucking giant, at six foot two inches, meaning upright he towered over both Hen and Karen which made balancing him a challenge. Karen followed closely behind, hoping Buck didn’t fall because she wasn’t sure she would be able to catch him and then support his weight. So as a pair; they staggered over the grass and then reached the glass sliding door Buck braced himself against it needing to take a breath. Their gradual appearance caused them to gain the attention of the entire family, only taking a couple of seconds to asses the situation before the ingrained impulse of being first responders kicked in. Bobby was the first to reach Buck and Hen, pulling Buck’s free arm around his shoulders and put one of his own arms around the midriff taking some of the weight Hen was carrying. The captain looked towards Hen for instruction, “couch, he’s got an injury that I need to look at” if Eddie could look more crestfallen he would when he heard that, the guilt he already felt was climbing to an exceeding height. So unhurried at Buck’s pace, they made their way to the settee while doing this, Chimney with Maddie trailing behind went to get a first aid kit out of his car. Working their way through the maze of furniture that seemed to appear only while they were helping Buck but finally, he was set down on the couch. Once that was done, Bobby sat down next to Buck waiting on Hen to do her assessment. Eddie had also joined them in the room standing next to Buck. 

Hen with features tensed began to assess the injury, narrowing her eyes as she looked deeper into the newly-created wound. Maddie and Chim reentered the house, bringing Athena along with them to see the youngest member of their family. Barging ahead of the group, crouching down next to Hen, Maddie started to asses the wound. With pressed lips and a strained voice, he looked at Maddie “I don’t want you too”. 

Her wide eyes matched the raised eyebrows she also had. “I’m a nurse, Evan” she returned with a furrowed brow and a tilted head. Like a cat, he narrowed his eyes, adjusted his posture sitting straight up and crossed his arms in front of him challenging her. Only in a way that siblings could she returned his stare beginning to accept, Athena well-versed in raising siblings with age-gaps had been watching the scene playing; knew she had to intervene. She walked in between the empty space from where she was standing to where Maddie was and rested a hand on her shoulder “Maddie..” she warned. Slowly, while dragging her feet she moved backwards listening to Athena, catching Eddie’s expression, head in his hands.

Hen finishing up her assessment, looked up at the boy with a crinkled nose "Buck, the prosthetic wasn't just ill-fitted, it shouldn’t even be worn. Your skin’s like this because the plastic hasn’t been filed down properly.” Hen sighed. “You’ve must of known, something was wrong” she took on a parental quality in her voice. 

“Of course, I did but...” Buck huffed, proving Hen’s need for the parental tone.

“But you didn’t want to seem like you weren’t trying” Eddie finished for Buck as he slumped his shoulder. His hands finding Buck’s and their hands clasped together for a breath, only to break apart and idle next to each on the armrest. Those who noticed chose to pretend they didn’t. “ It wasn’t just...and… My physical therapist doesn’t think I’m trying either. He doesn’t like m,e” gaining looks of confusion and question, Buck carried on spilling the words out like he was a drink someone knocked over. “City insurance means I... we can’t change either, his practice is the only one they have a contract for amputation”.

“Boy, you should have told me, because whoever writes those policies hasn’t met me yet!” Athena smirked confidence dripping from every word.

Once the atmosphere had grown less tense, Hen began to treat the damage inflicted by the prosthetic. “I’m going to put some anti-septic cream and then bandage it but you will need to see your doctor because the damage might be worst than I’ve assessed it.” She established resuming her a role as a medical professional. Now that the _‘entertainment’_ that had interrupted the evening was over people headed home

The silence in the car was deafening, so much so that the short journey from Athena’s to their house seemed like an odyssey. Buck wanted to reach out for Eddie and began to do so, but every time he would get close he would retract his hand. The tightness in throat reminding him, of what said to the man he loved, yet unable to deny himself that feeling bubbling up again burning in his belly. That awareness just made the tightness constrict even further. Eddie in his peripheral vision saw Buck’s hands move towards him, he knew that their objective was to comfort him but he didn’t want to push the man who was still trying to find a way to cope with his new life. Well, that’s what Eddie told himself, he wasn’t angry, he wasn’t upset, it was Buck who had lost something not him. So when the hand was close enough he didn’t lean into the touch.

All of Buck’s feelings about his body began to surface -- when tried to touch Eddie and if his fiance did return the touch would he want sex? Buck didn’t know what he’d do because he wanted Eddie, god he wanted Eddie but the thought of Eddie seeing him naked made his head hurt and chest feel tight. So looking at Eddie in the soft light of the street, he swallowed the saliva that had built up in his mouth turned his head looked out the window and watch the world go by. “We’re here” Eddie stated, trying to pull the emotion out of his voice. 

Just as it was a carefully practised routine, Eddie helped Buck into the house faster than people who had helped earlier today. Both them crossed the threshold of their house together. Once inside they were greeted by Abuela, who had been looking after Christopher, she went to speak before she and Eddie shared a look, so instead, she just pursed her lips. With a house being a home for two people with mobility issues, moving around the house was easier for Buck but without something helping his balance, he still needed Eddie. When the couple reached the doorway to their bedroom, Eddie shifted his position so that Buck was opposite the doorframe, he then gently shuffled so that Buck could use doorframe to balance. “I’ll be back, I’m just going to get your crutches, pyjamas and meds,” he said as he rushed away into the house. 

Buck was leaning on the doorframe looking at the bed he shared with Eddie, the object that room centred around looked both impossibly tiny and insulting huge. He regarded it as both a source of comfort and woe. Bringing him out of the daze of thought he felt Eddie's big, rough calloused hand around his waist. Buck can remember the times when those hands pleasured him and now they took care of him, but now with the topic pleasure, he wasn't so sure that they would ever do that again. So Buck jumped at the touch, the feel of Eddie's hand searing into his skin mocking him and his need for his lover, his paramour. "It's just me, Buck" Eddie soothed, rubbing his hand against him "let me, take your weight." Buck's puts his arm around Eddie's shoulders and enables himself to be supported.

Agonisingly slow, because of the extra stuff he was holding in the hand that wasn’t supporting Buck, they hobble to the side of the bed that belongs to Buck. Eddie sets down Buck, as slow and tender as any parent would, soothing himself more than Buck. He also set Buck’s crutches against his bedside table and set down the tablets that Buck needed to take, after that, he helped Buck into the pyjamas that he had gotten him earlier. Once he has made sure Buck is safe and comfortable, he immediately stops touching him. At that moment, their eyes meet and Buck is looking up at the older man, eyes full of feeble hope. Eddie is looking down watching Buck lick his lips, he knows what his lover wants and he wants it too and yet he doesn't do it. Instead, he brushes his hand against Buck's sullen cheek, then witnesses that light of hope in the younger man's eyes go out. "I need to go check on Chris and say goodbye to Abeula" Eddie states, while almost running out the room. Now on his own, Buck lifts his leg and his residual limb, so he is sitting across the bed and pulls the cover over him and patiently waits for Eddie to return and hoping he'll interact with him as the two used and being disgusted at thought of that because of the... _stump._ He was sat with his back resting against the headboard, waiting on Eddie to return, the soft tones of familial exchange permeating the heavy silence that had settled in the absence of connection.

From his place on the bed, he was listening out for the noises that would tell him what Eddie is doing. He can hear him close the front door and the small taps in the hall that are gradually getting quieter as he reaches Christopher's room. He wants to do that with him, stand in the doorway and check whether their child is breathing and yet can't; the ever-present in the background resentment starts to rear its ugly head. But resentment is met with guilt because Buck knows everything Eddie does is for him and Christopher. Whenever Buck reminds himself of that fact, he cannot help but feel adoration for the man, because Eddie stayed. Eddie stayed. And he knows, that especially with the way he had treated him others would have left. The breath sat heavy in his chest and his eyes, while he waited for Eddie to return to their to-be marital bed. 

When he felt the mattress dip beside him, he turned to face Eddie and regarded his features and how they were schooled not to show how much Buck had hurt the older man. The fact that Eddie was hiding feelings from Buck as too not to hurt him played on the blonde man's heart-strings, watching for unsureness he began to hold Eddie face in his hands. When his hand firmly on either side of his Fiance's face, ring pressing against the cheekbones, "I'm sorry." The words stumbled out of Buck's mouth getting caught on the sobs that racked through his chest. "I know" Eddie reassuringly whispered touching his forehead against Buck's. In the time it takes to blink, the moment of tender intimacy is over, in an act of astonishing synchronised movement they both turn over facing away from each other. Lying in a bed, close enough to touch each other, but the ocean between that they couldn’t seem to cross stopped them from doing so.

* * *

**How cool they lie. They hardly ever touch,**

**Or if they do it is like a confession**

**Of having little feeling- or too much.**

**\- One flesh, Elizabeth Jennings**


	3. believe me you were born for pain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This a flashback chapter, the flashback was only meant to be a couple of paragraphs but it took a life of its own.

**You cannot, sir, take from me anything that I will more willingly part withal — except my life — except my life — except my life  
**

**\- Hamlet, Shakespeare**

* * *

**#FlashBack#**

"Dr Richards" the young resident spoke while holding up the threadbare hospital blanket with wide eyes pointing to the recent surgical site. Maddie once being a nurse recognised this look, a deer caught in headlights, when looking at the family of the patient, Buck. 

Instantly, the attending sprung into action "clear the room" he commanded, moving Eddie and Maddie towards the door.

"No, I was a nurse, let me see" Maddie pleaded, feet glued to the floor. The eyes of the attending flitted towards Eddie, catching his eye-line Maddie continued "He was an army medic, we know what he's at risk of. Let us stay." The doctor nodded hesitantly. 

Dr Richards striding beside his student checked on the site, examining it touching the skin to check capillary refill. The two family members saw what touch did and knew what it meant. Slow. Along with the unusual rash, that was beginning to present at Evan Buckley's surgical site to cause the doctor extreme worry. Then he checked Buck's pulse rate, the upper end of normal, his fitness at first obscuring the fact for him his heart was fast. Moving towards Buck face the doctor began to try and wake him "Mr Buckley" he spoke through a clenched jaw "Mr Buckley, I know you're tired but you need to wake up." The people in the room were only met by shallow shaky breathes. "unresponsive, fast heart rate, marbled rash and slow cap refill are all symptoms of.." The attending began to state.

"SSIs." Maddie choked out, worrying her brother "You think he's developed an SSI in his leg." Eddie, who hadn't said anything the whole time, still hadn't but he moved to the chair next to the bed. Trembling, he sat down with the force of all that was going on weighing on him, taking Buck's hand in his and rubbing against his own face. Only to be shocked at how cold he was, one thing about Buck was that he ran hot, like a furnace-it woke something primitive in him, willing to do anything to hold onto his family.

"Yes, I do believe that he has developed an SSI. We would still sample and send to the lab to confirm, but I am sure that it is a surgical site infection. The surgery to reconstruct his leg from the crush injury caused by the firetruck, we had encountered some complications and because of that, we had to leave an open wound. I had planned to go back in and close."

Maddie realising that she is the only one listening and her medical instincts kicking in, wanting to know everything that had happened as she knew that the doctor was omitting the details of the surgery to protect her "What were the complications?"

"When we opened up his leg, the damage was more extensive than what was shown on the x-rays and MRI. Due to crush syndrome, we couldn't stay in to correct the damage because his kidneys started to fail and we wanted to preserve function." The doctor asserted at Maddie his eyes softening, she took a deep breath and sat down next to Eddie; the full gravity of the situation having hit her. 

"What are our options?" Eddie finally spoke his voice heavy and sore, taking control over the situation from the sister of the man he loved. Their, Buck and Eddie's hands intertwined as though they had always existed as one.

" I would recommend..amputation." he pitched, his body tensed with reluctance. Three heads snapped towards him questioning the statement just as he spoke. His body quickly changing to a stooping a position and eyes flitting to the young Dr Kaaihue, who had grown close to the patient and his family. She had been keeping company while his family had to go to sleep or look after their child. She'd bonded immediately with him and his family as she too had a child with cerebral palsy and that his job was as important to him as hers was to her. "If my first surgery was successful, I wouldn't recommend it but as it wasn't. My prognosis for his leg even without the infection is that he will have major amounts of muscle wastage and lost mobility. The muscle wastage and mobility would only improve so much even with PT, but now with the infection, you have to think about the major organs."

"He can't lose his leg...he just can't. He wouldn't be able to be a firefighter" Eddie whispered, holding Buck's hand even tighter if that was possible. 

"I know." Maddie cried with Eddie putting her hand on the forearm closest to her. "They must be something else you can do?" She asked the surgeon. "You don't Buck, he's too stubborn for his own good"

"I would like you to know that this is not my recommended course of treatment. We can try and put him in a medically induced coma- where can have more control and monitor his organs more easily- and watch for signs of the infection is spreading. I really don't want to do this because this type of infection is unpredictable and if we amputate right now we can still preserve the knee joint." The attending spoke trying to convince them to do the prescribed program of treatment, wanting to preserve as much of leg as possible. 

Looking at each other for confirmation, they both nodded and Eddie declared "We'll wait".

"Okay... Dr Kaaihue. Dr Akasuki Kaaihue." He reversed, finally gaining the attention of his resident "Ketamine to put him under, prepare to intubate and push broad-spectrum antibiotics" 

"Thank you, I know didn't want to do that" Maddie nodded appreciatively, as the attending and the resident left the room. Only, seconds later the resident to return and put Buck in his coma. 

Eddie was back to be entranced by Buck gripping his hands staring at him eyes full of love, worry and pain. The heavy intakes breath premating the room, making it known that he was crying. His outburst of emotion was so strong that could see his body moving with the strength of it, the tears were freely rolling down his face and getting caught on his wobbling bottom lip. 

"Eddie, he's going to be okay. It's Buck, he can't not be okay" Maddie consoled but whether that was for Eddie or her self, she didn't know. Once given time for information to settle, Maddie joined in crying with Eddie fear overcoming her.

It was Bobby and Athena who found them having come to relieve them, so they could go and take care of themselves and Christopher could see his father. Bobby had Christopher over his shoulder asleep because when he heard that they were going to see Buck and his dad, he refused to be left with Tia Peppa. They heard them before the saw them, the couple of captains shared a look before Bobby spoke "I'll wait here" He sat down on a cold metal bench, shifting Christopher so he was lying across his lap managing to not wake him with the expertise of an experienced parent. 

As soon as she stepped into the room, she could see something was extremely wrong. Buck's was sweaty and pale, he wasn't awake but he definitely wasn't asleep. Maternal instinct running wild made her take about four steps at a time, she had felt this fear before- when May was in the hospital. Even though she ran across the room, she couldn't seem to reach the crying pair quick enough. Athena stretched a comforting hand to each of their shoulders, "What's going on? I thought he was getting better, he was up and talking just yesterday" she asked that fear rising to heights she didn't know that could reach when she saw what his IV was attached to. 

"He got an infection and they wanted to take his leg. We couldn't let them do that, so they had to put him in a coma and all we can do is hope that it doesn't spread; he could lose his knee if it does." Eddie sobbed out and Maddie crying got louder each time he paused.

"Me and Bobby are here now" Athena comforted, earning offended looks from Maddie and Eddie. "Chris is here too and not only missing Buck just as much but missing his father. You can't just sit here, he's really worried Eddie, it's only been two months since Shannon's funeral. Buck's is also his parent he needs you."

"I don't know if I can. I'm not... strong enough. I'm not anything enough, right now" His voice getting caught on the sobs that escaped his throat. His tears making their usual tracks down his face, in the past two weeks he can't remember not crying.

"You can and you will because you're a parent and that's what you have to do. But you won't have to do it right now because he's asleep finally, he's been refusing. This is what you're going to do, Bobby is just outside you, him and Christopher are going to get a cup of coffee and some food in you. Then he's gonna take you and Chris home when you're there, go to sleep with Chris. Once you've both woken up, you're going telling what he needs to know" Athena instructed pulling Eddie up to his feet and towards the door. Eddie stopped just before reaching the door, weighing his decision "go, you can't do anything for him right now, but can for Chris. You can't take of someone without taking care of yourself" Athena pleaded when she caught his hesitation. Eddie just nodded and left the room going towards his son, who was feeling the same as he was.

Athena caught Maddie's objection and before she could voice it, the older woman countered it "I know, I can't make you leave but go to sleep. You're tired and I'm here." she stated with a tone both motherly and commanding. Given the permission, Maddie fell asleep almost instantly unable to fight off the all-encompassing tiredness anymore. Athena could hear Maddie's half snores, her maternal instincts causing her to be comforted by small sounds that at least one of the Buckley siblings were making. She was watching the small shallow breaths Buck was taking, she can't remember watching breathing this intensely since her children were babies. Unable to stop herself, she stood up, brushed Buck's hair back from his face, looking down at his face she saw infantile vulnerability. Still looking down at the boy she pressed a kiss to his forehead, him needing as much help as he can get.

"You too, huh," Bobby whispered, looking towards his wife in confirmation. She just nodded back, looking like she was trying to speak but couldn't find the words she needed. 

Still looking down at the kid, her kid "Is it meant to feel like this?" she asked, surprising herself when it came out in a sob, while she found a place to sit.

"Yes," Bobby answered being reminded of his biological children. Images of his children in the fire and Buck under the engine played out against each other.

Knowing her husband too well, she knew where his mind went. "Don't. The only person to blame is that boy who bombed the truck. No-one else, he didn't have to bomb it but he chose to." she told Bobby while finding his hand to hold.

"Okay" Bobby tried to assure Athena, but she wasn't fully convinced. Checking again to make sure that Maddie was asleep, she looked over at her husband looking agonised. "What is it?" Bobby asked, seeing his wife trying to make a judgment, she shook head "just tell me she's asleep"

"I don't think they made the right decision, he could lose more than just a leg and they might have to do the amputation anyway meaning he could lose even more of his leg"

"I agree with you, but it isn't our choice to make"

* * *

**2 days later**

It was time for rounds again and Eddie was sat at Buck's bedside holding his handing watching him, waiting with him. Maddie was just getting them bad cups of hospital coffee, Eddie was listening for the door wanting Maddie to return. Whenever the doctor told him new information he seemed to freeze and just be stuck on Buck.   
Seeing, Buck's face so unusually devoid of any emotion was startling even while asleep everything was splayed on his face, happy- a satisfied smile would sit on his face, sad his eyes would crinkle and his lips would pout- to Eddie it was the cutest thing in the world. Now he was just reminded of what they should be doing instead of being in the four walls of this hospital and Buck unconscious; they should be planning their wedding, not this.

Maddie had run to the canteen, tapped her foot impatiently and ran the way back planning on not missing a second of Buck's examination. When she had met Eddie at the entrance to the hospital, he looked even worse than she felt the strain of everything pressing on him. She couldn't imagine having to deal with a child as well as what is happening but a child who already knows what it's like to lose a parent. 

You only had to see Christopher and Buck interact once, to know how closely they are bonded. Sometimes, she couldn't believe that Buck hadn't known the child since he was born. It shocked her when she first realised that Buck had become parent, he retained his childlike demeanour but had grown in maturity in quiet ways she hadn't even noticed it until Christopher had got hurt a park and he didn't freeze but rushed over paternal instincts overwhelming him. 

It wasn't until she was outside the door, that she realised how quickly she had been getting the coffee. Awkwardly, she tapped the door her elbow to let Eddie know she was outside, as both her hands were full. The noise interrupting the deafening shared muteness, Eddie looked over and in his tiredness taking a minute to recognise Maddie, he had let go of Buck's hand, stood up and shuffled towards the door. Maddie watching him walk towards the door observed him look years older, the burden physically pressing on him as his shoulders slumped. 'Click', the opening of the door filling the silence that loud with worry, on autopilot the two made their way to the usual places holding vigil at Buck's bedside.

In a time with what seemed an age, but was only thirty minutes Dr Richards and Dr Kaaihue entered the room to conduct rounds. As he expected, the Doctor saw the two family members sat at the bedside of his patient he nodded at them making sure that they knew that he was aware that they were in the room. So he and his resident set to work, vitals first; abnormal but not cause for concern yet. Then the examination he was dreading, in his many years knowing that this type of infection coupled with the injuries sustained did not get better but he was willing, hoping to be surprised. Although, he has spent little time with the patient while awake how he came to get his injuries angered him this man was working for the good of the public and he'd been punished for it. Where was the justice in that?

Hesitantly, he made his way over to what he had to examine, taking his time he lifted the quilt and saw what he had expected. The rash had spread. That meant the infection had spread, he hadn't needed to say anything because both Maddie and Eddie had leant over and saw what he had. 

"So... the infection has spread and I'm erring on the side of caution. As I'm unwilling to let it spread towards even further up legs or spine or to the organ system." Terrence, Dr Richards instructed.

A pregnant pause filled the air, full of emotion. Eddie was so close to tears and yet completely dry as though his body was stuck, unsure what to do and how to feel. Maddie was frozen, this was her little brother the one she had looked after when he was younger, this shouldn't be happening, his life was just getting started. With all swimming in her mind, she stifled a sob stopping herself because her crying wasn't to help him now.

"How much of leg are you going to take?" Maddie asked tone heavy with the implication, giving herself a job to do so she doesn't have to feel everything that her mind wants her to feel.

"Above the knee, I'm going to try and preserve as much of the residual limb as possible but I'm going to need cut the infection out as the antibiotics haven't affected it one bit." The surgeon stated softly, he didn't want these people to feel bad, they did what they thought was right. "Doctor, get him prepped. My schedule is open after rounds, I'll be doing the surgery then, move all my other surgeries and you take Taylor child by yourself" he directed at his student, turning back to towards Eddie and Maddie "That's in about twenty minutes, it's going to take a number of hours, I'll also need to do exploratory surgery to check if spread further, but I'm sure it hasn't. To be perfectly candid, I'm also worried about his kidney, the general will put them under further stress, making this surgery even riskier" his toning changing to reassuring.

Eddie's hands found Buck's face brushing his hair, that had grown longer in the time he was in the hospital, out of his face and his fingers brushed along the cheekbones that belonged to his lover. Attentively, he pressed his lips against Buck's, pulling back he looked down and mumbled, "You're not allowed to die. You know that right?" 

Maddie walked to Buck's other side taking his hand in her hand, "You have to listen to Eddie. You have so much ahead of you, a marriage, a family and a whole new life. Not to mention, I'll need someone to walk me down the aisle when I marry Chim" Maddie lamented with Eddie, fear filling her from her crown to her toes. "I think...I'm going to call the others, they should here for this. They're family as well." Eddie didn't even respond eyes stuck on Evan Buckley.

Quietly, Dr Akasuki Kaaihue entered the room and didn't even gain a cursory glance in her direction. It took her a while to work up the courage to speak the words that were going to destroy these people "It's time, I'm going to take him down to theatre"

Buck's unconscious state was met with rounds of "see you later" and well wishes. Eddie knew he had to let go but he couldn't as touching him was the only reassurance that he was alive. Chimney was the closest, which meant he had the tragic job of prying Eddie's fingers away from Buck. The fingers only responded by shaking, the man attached to them terrified of what letting go meant. "Eddie...you need to" Chim sympathised, his hand still over Eddie's

"I know", Eddie replied, the action of him letting go, happening in slow motion, savouring every point of contact. Then Buck was wheeled out of sight from his family, his journey into the unknown just beginning.

* * *

Post-OP was quiet, and the young medical intern who had been conducting the observations of the patients would have known if he was paying attention that because patient 224, better known as Evan 'Buck' Buckley would come out of his sedation more quickly than expected because of his increased metabolism. He would also know that he was to kept under until his Doctor Richards and Kaaihue and his family could be with him. He would know all of this if he was paying attention and not sulking about being stuck on obs.

Buck's mind felt foggy like he was coming out of a haze, the thing waking him was extreme pain, worse than when he was under the engine. Which confused him, he already had a surgery to fix his leg days ago. Slowly, with an intense effort, he managed to open his eyes; looking up he realised that recognised the ceiling, he was in post-op again. That was okay. Maybe he needed another surgery. That's why he was in pain, surgery hurt. Something in him commanded that he look down. Moving was laborious, his body still under the effects of sedation. Then he saw it. He saw it. He saw it, looking back at him. Where was his leg gone? He knew it was still there, he could sense it and it was painful. The absent body part and what is left behind started to make him realise was this real, his life forever changed.

"Shit." That was all the intern could think when he realised that 224 was awake. He wasn't meant to be, as fast as his feet could carry he ran to the room. Once realising that the patient still had to some form of sedation in his system, self-preservation kicked in confident that putting the patient under now, wouldn't even remember waking up and he wouldn't get in trouble.

Being only vaguely aware that someone else was in the room, was replaced by total unawareness once the drug made its way through his veins into his brain. As once again ventured into unconsciousness, his brain was plagued by two thoughts "What had happened to his leg?" and "Where is Eddie?" His whole body crying out for the comfort, only he could provide.

While waiting for her brother to be cleared out of post-op, she was reminded of something her Grandmother had babbled to her once "Do know what one of the meanings of the name Evan. It's young warrior and your brother needs because life is always going to be a battle for him"

* * *

**You are well suited to be miserable in your name**

**\- Bacchae, Euripides**


	4. There is a change-and am I poor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When one person suffers it is like dropping a stone into a lake, the ripples touch every part; Everyone is their life is affected by it.

**When a good man is hurt, all those who would be called good must suffer with him**

**-Euripides**

* * *

The clicking of the lock confirmed that the last of the guests, Karen and Hen, had gone. The utter absence of any human but the couple sat heavy in the air. Stifling tension, fearful and apologetic. Bobby was in a chair, holding his head in his hand- fingers winding tangles in his hair, cries start bubbling in his throat. Athena regards her husband for a half a minute while pressing a stiff hand into her temples, pondering how a simple family dinner without the kids ended up like this. A deep breath laced through her, as she strode over to him with her body just as heavy with stress. Like a gardener tending to roses, she pulled Bobby into her waist- gradually plucking his clenched fingers out of his hair and replacing that with her own fingers strumming a calming beat. The heat radiating from her was a need, a much-needed comfort, it reminding of everything he had. Without thinking, Bobby snaked his arm around her, leaning into her, pulling at the solace she so freely provided for him. 

Athena lets him have this absorption of himself, completely contained in his feelings, for a short time, still rubbing the strands of hair on his head. Through silent exertion, she finds a tone to settle on, that is somewhere between a command and a plea, “Don’t do this to yourself.” While firm she still uses the softness he so desperately needs. 

Bobby looks up at her with weighty disbelief, his voice cracking under the hefty strain of crying, “how can I not?” His voice starts to get heavier under the force of more crying, his grip cramping on to Athena now. “That _kid..._ only did this because of... me,” Bobby slowly chokes out, deep heaving breathes of crying breaking up his words, Athena herself has to look up the ceiling to stop her own eyes joining him.

“The only one who has any blame in this situation is the one who planted the bomb,” Athena told him, moving her hands to cradle his head trying to ground him. She tried to hold him as tight as possible the same heavy-hitting emotions, rushing through her and sizing her heart in her chest with the strength of a vice.- unreasonable guilt at her failure to protect her family. No one was less deserving of this than Buck, who had just gained a lot that some people search all their lives for. And Eddie had found someone who suited him and his child, so easily, finding a kind of love that didn’t exist with Shannon. Every little thing about this _circumstance_ was unfair.

Bobby’s deep breathes only seemed to get harsher before he bites out, “They are supposed to be happily engaged- all over each other. But they… Buck, he’s just stuck between angry and sad, Eddie is just... I don’t know what he is but they are not them. Not anymore.” After his statement, Bobby takes a calming deep breath that seems to settle him in actuality.

With her husband back, in reality, Athena takes a seat across from him. Over the table, the share both hands with each other; drawing strength and the tightness of the grip offering an immense bubble of quiet connection built on a shared foundation. “I know. They feel like our kids, and all we ever want from is to be happy and safe. Which is why I’m going to have strong words with his physical therapist.” she said while running her fingers over his knuckles, “but they are both adults. So getting involved in their relationship is not something we are going to do. We have to let Buck and Eddie work it out for themselves and each other. No matter how we feel about Buck, he’s a big boy. - And right now, he is trying to find himself again.”

Bobby squeezed Athena’s hand before huffing out, “I get that, I just want to help them.” Swallowing a wave of tears, that bring a croak to his voice Bobby continues on “They made each other so happy and now… they are… just…”

“I feel that Bobby, I really do. But they are both adults, so the only thing we can do is be there for both of them for whatever happens.” Athena tells her husband, with all the resolve she can muster. She uses that tone to catch his eyes and locks that gaze. “Both of them need support. _Both of them, Bobby.”_

The man just merely nods, any fight running out of him. Slowly, without speaking Bobby stands up and begins to float around the room cleaning up the remnants of the disaster of a dinner party. In tandem, Athena moves around the room in a daze, doing the same thing. Every minute or two, she spares a worried glance his way, it’s strong and analysing and if holds it for more than a few seconds, Bobby shifts under its weight, muscles tightening in his jaw. Too quickly, the room is sparkingly clean, leaving Bobby to grip the edge of the counter white-knuckled. A yawn erupts from Athena, the day finally getting to her; with tiredness finding a home in her bones, in between rubbing her eyes, she sends a tender look to Bobby who just shakes his head.

Athena takes a step back, using a careful assessing stare, judging her actions, before padding over to his side and pressing a kiss to his cheek. “Okay, come to bed sometime soon. But do what you need,” She said, softly. Athena, while parting picks up his hand and squeezes it, just before she can move away Bobby gives a kiss to the same hand after Athena is left to retreat to their bedroom.

Absent-minded, Bobby get everything out he needs out to bake cookies. Slowly, he follows the strict instructions- giving him the ability to think logically through everything to do with his family. One thing was fighting to be constantly brought to the forefront of his mind.

* * *

The drive home for Karen and Hen had been full of quiet questioning fo Hen. She had been wondering why her wife had gone to Buck, their relationship couldn’t be described as close, it was little more than a passing acquaintance. Karen was holding her hand with a tightness that is unusual for a situation like this, it should feel suffocating and yet it doesn’t, an attachment such as this was only reserved for the return from a difficult shift. The landscape was crowded with lush trees with calm night sky painted in the background, whizzed past them making the inside of the car smaller and just the presence of one another a thing of profound intimacy. Hen felt like she was standing next to a fire; the warmth plucking at her skin, one wrong move and she’ll be burnt. A contemplative silence was indulged by them on the journey home, thoughts being as loud as any sound could ever be.

As they stepped light-footed into the house, some of the apprehension Hen was holding in her body-most of it squared in her shoulders melted away but Karen was still as tightly wound as she was earlier. In their living room, the couple found the babysitter Natalya who was watching Deadpool lounged on the sofa, quickly she was paid, apologised to for being late and had left the house. The pair found themselves entwined lying down in the couch, Karen was resting her head letting the weight of it go on Hen’s shoulder, who had her arm wrapped warmly around Karen’s waist.

Hen peered down at her wife with a fierce fondness appearing on her features, as she brushed the small strands of hair out of her face. Taking one last appraising glimpse, Hen spoke with both kindness and concern, “Why did you go after him, earlier?” While speaking Hen slowly is stroking Karen’s waist just as slowly, trying to convey wanting to understand and not judgement. In want of a reply, Hen watched her wife’s face- it running through a quick succession of emotions she can’t name, seeing one that had also appeared on Buck’s face too.

Karen worked through a series of feelings before finding one that seemed to fit the question and didn’t start anything, she didn’t have the energy to get into tonight. “You’re only ever one callout away, from that happening to us,” Karen told her, with half her mouth pressed against Hen’s neck as she turned her head further into her with every word.

Hen pulls herself out of Karen’s grasp and looks at her full on the face. Staring at her, watching her face for a sign of what emotion that remark is meant to have- was it fear, anger or the cautiousness, Karen cast both a sorry and confident look, before pushing herself back into her.

After a few seconds of just each other, the sounds of breathing filling the muteness of the room, Hen eventually forms a response. “I’m not. What happened to Buck wasn’t because of the job.” Hen said starting matter of factly but ending up somewhere completely different, her tone balancing between sure and convincing- herself and not Karen.

Gently, Karen reaches fo her head, rubbing her hand over the small growth of hair. “Hen, you’re a good firefighter. And that means in the moment the person you’re saving is the only thing that matters. How you might ended up, isn’t even a passing thought in your mind. Every time you walk out that door to go to your job, I have to savour the moment because it might be the last time I ever see you,” She informs Hen. Her wife’s mouth opens with indignation but before Hen can form a sound, Karen continues on with her telling, “I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, I married you knowing how dangerous your job was. But don’t act like it can’t happen to you, from _just doing your job_.”

With a sigh of resignation and the rolling of her eyes, Hen finds some more words. “Even if I did lose my leg or something like that happened to me, I wouldn’t act like Buck.” Hen finally said pulling Karen more into her, trying to convince and gain comfort from her. It was a small fire between them, closer than they had been in a while.

“You don’t know that, Henrietta. It’s hard losing a part of you, especially when you have no control over it,” Karen reminded Hen. Hen took a sobering deep breath, before resting her hand on Karen’s stomach. Her hand was matched by Karen’s who laid her’s on top. For a second, the couple shared a look of loss, before Karen speaks “It hurts Hen, and words can’t do it justice.” They share another minute of just them, in both parts grounding them and pushing them further into their feelings; Hen swallows Karen, shielding her from the outside, trying to protect her as much as she can, guilt washing over both of them.

“I get that, but Eddie doesn’t deserve-” Hen starts to say.

  
  


She is however interrupted, unsure where the similarities between them and their friends start and end. “No, he doesn’t. But Buck isn’t one of you anymore, he’s one of us now, waiting for you to come home and knowing that you might not. It’s even harder for him, he knows what risks you’ll take and the ends you’ll go to, to save someone and Eddie might remind him of that. Everyday. Could live a reminder of who used to be? And that being your partner?” Karen told her soothingly, finally letting go of most of the tension; finally falling into Hen. Reluctantly, Hen gave a tried nod, and then in a blink of an eye, she is fast asleep, the excitement of the day catching up with her. But Karen bites her lips with so many words left unsaid, that had threatened to leave her mouth every second she was speaking with her Hen. 

* * *

At a breakneck speed, Maddie stomped into her home, harsh and heavy-footed. Chimney followed behind idly at a small distance; closing the door behind him. Maddie continued with her stomping until she reached the kitchen, flinging the cupboard door open and finding a bottle of red wine and a glass. Taking the cork out with her teeth, she spat it into the sink. Clumsily, she poured the wine into the glass but most of the liquid ended up on the counter. As soon as Chimney found Maddie, he rested his hands on top of hers while wrapping himself around her. The warmth around her caused Maddie to take pause and lean into Chimney. After a few minutes of just holding her, steadying the rapid pulse that beat through her, he eventually poured an easy glass of wine.

The anger moved in her voice like a flurry “can you believe him? Blowing up, and then not letting me help when he needed it.“ But all at once, her emotions turned on her; Maddie took a deep breath laced with sobs. “Why didn’t he let me help? I… just don’t get it. I’m his big sister, it’s my job to make him better when he’s hurt. He was there for me and… you, when Doug… did what he did, I want to be there for him. I need to be there for him!,” she said, pulling away from Chimney and leaning into the counter. Her fingers were wound so tightly around the stem of the glass, that Chimney was afraid it would shatter under the force of the grip.

Chimney rested against the opposite counter, his body sagging with the ease of it, hearing the sounds of Maddie gulping while pouring himself a glass. “Maddie, he had a lot of changes to his life and… “ he breathed out, so low that it wasn’t audible.

“It was so scary, absolutely terrifying. Sitting at his bedside for days, just watching the machines, knowing what could go wrong, waiting for it to go wrong. Just hoping that Murphy’s law didn’t kick in,” Maddie sobbed into her glass, into between too big sips. “There…. were so many... times, I thought he was going to die. Every time I left his room, I thought I would come back to a dead body, every time my phone would ring, I thought it was the call, _the call_ that would tell me he’s dead, and I couldn’t break down ‘cause I had to stay strong for Eddie. I’m not sure he would have made it if Buck died, he had to be forced to look after Christopher.”

Chimney put his glass down and crossed the room to cradle Maddie. She began to have a full-on crying fit, burying herself into his shoulder, her breathing getting quicker with every intake. He patted the top of her head, letting her feel what she needed to, while simultaneously trying to bring her back to herself, before speaking again. “Mads, one day he woke up with his leg gone. Maybe he’s scared too, how could he not be? I don’t think imagining it, feels like it did for Buck. Just think how much anger is really fear. ” he told her, whispering in her ear in a tone that was like a comfort blanket. With his words washing over her, Maddie only gripped her boyfriend harder. Under her grip, Chimney has to cough a little, his ribcage not having enough room to expand.

“Why… can’t he just be happy that he’s alive,” Maddie choked out, still, not letting go of Chimney. The wine glasses now abandoned as the lover dug into one another. “We tried to save his leg, he knows that. I told him that. Eddie told him that. We tried. Why didn’t he tell anyone about his… prosthetic? If we had known about it before, it wouldn’t have got that bad. It shouldn’t have even left the hospital with him,” she rambled in Chimney’s body. Slowly, Chimney plucked himself from Maddie’s hold and lead her to the sofa by a safe grip on her wrist. He sat down first and pulled her down. Maddie on the way down to meet her boyfriend on the couch tripped and had fallen on top of him, the two shared a giggle; Maddie’s was watery and Chimney’s was full-hearted but sombre. That ended and an uneasy silence nestled between them, Maddie pushed herself off of Chim, sitting with her legs under her, holding his gaze.

Chimney thought both annoyed and with understanding. ‘You’re happy he’s alive. He’s still just scared.” but didn’t say it to not upset Maddie anymore than she already was, she was trying to the best help she could be.

Chimney reached for Maddie’s hand, holding it hard and drawing on the eye contact, passive and penetratingly visceral. “Do you think he felt pressured? You and Eddie are involved a lot, one of you is always with him,” Chimney said in a placating tone, now stroking the knuckles of Maddie’s hand.

“We’re involved because we’re his family, Eddie is his fiance and I’m his sister. Everyone at dinner is his family and… All we want from him is get better and be-” she started to tell him plainly but she was cut off by a notification from her phone. At the ping sound, her eyes were drawn to the phone, widening in recognition, “is that the time? They should be home by now. I’m going to call Eddie and see if Buck is better.” Maddie said while getting up, moving back to the kitchen while scrolling through her phone. After a minute or two, her call was answered. “Hey, Eddie… Oh sorry for waking you up, I just wanted to see how Buck was doing...”

Chimney waited until Maddie was out of earshot and he could hear the shrill dialling tone of her phone before speaking in the empty room, any hint of him hidden by Maddie’s own voice, “if you want to know how Buck is doing, maybe call him.”

* * *

**Invisible wounds are the hardest to heal,**

**for their closure depends upon the love of others,**

**patience and understanding and the gift of time.**

**-Call The Midwife**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for taking so long to update, I was working on a problemed chapter, so I moved them around and wrote this one instead but now I've got to write the problem one again but I have more of an idea of how to write it.
> 
> Here in the UK, Murphy's law is called Sod's law.
> 
> Right now, commenting and leaving kudos is more important than it was before as guest hits are not being counted, so could be so nice to leave me some.
> 
> I have a [Tumblr](https://gaiamax.tumblr.com/), pop over and say hi


	5. The smile on your mouth was the deadest thing/Alive enough to have the strength to die

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loving someone is always hard, but loving some after something awful happens is painful; you'd do anything to make that pain go away. 
> 
> But how do you know what is the right thing? 
> 
> How much can you deny yourself to make sure that person is okay?

_ **Death's brother, sleep** _

\- **Virgil**

* * *

Burr.

Burr.

Burr…

The dull buzz bounced around the room. Eddie’s ears picked up the harsh sound compared to the heavy silence of the room, jolting him awake. Bleary-eyed, blinking fast, he started to come to his senses- feeling his hand holding Buck’s. Their fingers clasped tight to each other.

When had the texture of his fiancé’s skin become so foreign to him? He used to know each and every ridge of his skin better than he knew his own hands, he knew each and every freckle on his body where nature had painted on, the only time he even glimpsed them now was when a piece of clothing moved too much. The next ring faded into the background as he watched Buck’s features and pondered how even in sleep, they were twisted, none of his hard held worries ever escaping him. 

The ring was quickly followed by another, drawing his attention away. In the dark, he fumbled for the phone as quickly as possible, trying not to wake any of the occupants of the house. Buck and Christopher needed their sleep…. And he didn’t need another argument with Buck, Buck couldn’t handle another argument either. Finally, getting his phone in hand after knocking a lamp on his bedside table, and while wincing he watched for any sign that he had woken Buck up. When he had confirmed that he hadn’t pulled Buck out of sleep, he turned his head towards his phone being able to see that it was Maddie who was calling. Fighting against his refusing muscles, Eddie pushed himself out of the bed, flinching when his feet touched the cold floor. He rushed to the ensuite, so he didn’t miss the call, Maddie needed as much reassurance as he did when it came to Buck.

Buck was brought into a light sleep as sound danced around the room. A part of him recognised the sound and didn’t raise it as something to wake up to. The purposeful compression of the springs next to him was the thing that woke him up. He was about to open his heavy-lidded eyes but the warmth around his hand lets him know not to open them up. Eddie would let go of him if he knew that Buck was awake and would do just about anything to feel his skin against his own, without obligation.

It used to be so easy, almost too easy, touching one another without a second thought. Buck knew he would let go on the next ring and then he didn’t, hope started to bubble up in him starting from the connection point between him and Eddie, frothing and foaming in the way of an enjoyable tickle. Under that is a fear, that Eddie would _want him_ but he can’t even think about his own body without cringing and yet he still wants him to want him back, he wants the comfort. He could feel the heftiness of Eddie’s stare on him, he wanted to open his eyes and stare back into Eddie and feel like them again; for just a minute, even just for a second, but it was a futile hope. 

His only want was to feel Eddie, again.

He wants to feel connected with Eddie again.

He wants to feel like a couple again.

He wants Eddie to look at him like that when he knew he was awake.

In slow motion, he felt every finger-one, two, three, four, five- ripped from his hand when the next ring sounded, he felt another part of his heart go with each and every one of them. When he felt Eddie turn over on his side, Buck pried open slits in his eyes. Out of them, he saw Eddie gracelessly groping his table for the noisy phone, he could almost laugh, if the need to cry didn’t rest heavy on his chest. It was easy, for Buck, to see that he was trying really hard to stay as quiet as a mouse. The only thing that it told Buck was that he wasn’t the kind of partner he used to be to Eddie, he was cared for he was sure of that but everything was different. Buck had a feeling that Eddie was avoiding him, and that made something horrid claw its way into his heart, pouring venom into his lungs.

When Eddie picked up the phone, the harsh bright light assaulted Buck’s eyes, even through slitted eyelids. It was so jarring that Buck had to force himself not to whine out loud. Through his squinting, he was unable to see who was calling Eddie, he was almost completely sure that it was Maddie but Bobby did like to _check in_ from time to time, especially after his outburst earlier it made that more likely. But at least Bobby usually called Buck, instead of his _handler_.

Feeling every stiff movement Eddie compelled from his body, he wanted to reach out and tell him, beg him that he didn’t need to go. To stay in the comfort of the intimacy of their bed. Their bed. Their room. His company.

But he didn’t.

When Eddie flinched from his feet hitting the cold floor, all he wanted to wrap his arms around him to warm him up.

But he didn’t.

Still not daring to open his eyes fully, he could sense Eddie moving around the room to the bathroom. He wants his Eddie to stay with him, to tell him he needs him.

But he didn’t.

The door creaked closed as softly as Eddie could make it. Having the proof that no one could see that he had woken up, Buck’s eyes fluttered open adjusting to the dark of the room. As fast as he could manage Buck pulled himself up to rest his back against the headboard, waiting for the delightfully tired voice of Eddie’s and swallowing the bubble that had blown itself up from his saliva.

He listened for sound but he was rebuffed by the sounds of the shower, all Buck could hear was little mumbles of Eddie’s voice. It reminded him of the morning everything had changed, they had shared a shower full of giggles, wandering hands and teasing kisses of what would happen, after or later on in the shift. They were completely unaware of what was to come, how everything would change from excited bliss to bleak agony. The loud, heavy beating of the water hitting the floor told him it was on full power. There was only one reason for the shower being on and it was not because Eddie was planning on getting but to hide who he was talking to, Maddie. And just the thought of their _powwow_ was enough to make his jaw tense. Ever since _the change_ , _the incident, the event_ they would have these ‘little conversations’ about him, even with him in the room, the two of them standing tall, with their words bouncing off his head as he stayed sat, unable to meet their height. At first, Buck was happy, excited, grateful even that his family were getting along and coming together in a time of need. It was… It was endearing, to begin with. All those feelings that were a warm comfort in Buck’s stomach had disappeared and were replaced by something that still exuded heat but it sat heavy in his stomach burning a hole in it and each time it seemed to get hotter, trying to find its way to his tongue and Buck was only so strong, his resistance getting weaker and it is starting to get to easier to give in to the feeling. It had been months since what happened; since what they had decided to take from Buck.

Every time they would have their talks, he felt the same way he did when his parents got annoyed with him when he left home, he thought he had escaped ever feeling that way again, told himself he would never feel that way again. If Buck thought about it logically, taking himself out of the situation and using a stranger to take his place, he could get closer to understanding. But no matter what he told himself, Buck can taste the sickly sweet bitterness in his mouth, smell the acrid smoke in his nose and feel the prickling of the ardent burning in his bones, sense the resentment clenching his fits and jaw for him. He wanted to be involved, his voice bubbling in his throat, he wanted to talk. He wanted to pour out every hint of emotion that he has ever had, he would go to but then a look would pass his lover’s face. That look would let him know everything, the tightly held confusion painting his expression; the lack of understanding hiding in his furrowed brows, Buck could hear “You’re alive, why can’t you just be satisfied with that.” That confirmed to Buck that Eddie would never get it; the anger, the hurt, the loss and the desperate need for him and something else he wasn’t sure of yet, all them happening at once within him and at conflict with one another. 

Without his consent and awareness, Buck had been sent on a journey, alone. His place in his own world changing, he was no longer the person he had spent so long and put so much effort into becoming, he felt as though he was living on the other side of the mirror. He was trapped on the other side of the mirror, throwing himself at it desperate for the glass to break but it was all in vain. The glass seemed to get thicker every passing day.

Buck strained his ears to try and hear Eddie, he wasn’t sure why he was doing it, knowing it would only hurt him in the end. But the boiling under his skin was burning him inside out, making him know he had to listen to it.

The sound of Eddie’s just woken up voice tempered the heat of that feeling a little. “Maddie. Ugh… what do… you, just woke me up.” Eddie gave Maddie an onerous pause, Buck could hear the shifting creaks of the floorboards under Eddie’s feet. The couple shared a devouring of oxygen, deep breaths full from gulping, just before he spoke again. “He’s asleep right now,” Eddie’s voice wobbled out plainly.

The way Eddie’s words stumbled out of him, made his stomach lurched and his hands found their way to his heart, feeling the too fast beats with his eyes closed. He wanted to stop listening, he wanted Eddie to stop speaking; unsure he could stand the feeling in his heart intensify. The soft burning of a kind of want tickled his throat. But unaware of Buck’s longing, Eddie continued on, “We… had a few words. I think he’s feeling better but _Maddie._ Maddie, he doesn’t… I know more about how a tree is feeling than how he is. It’s been so long since I’ve heard his voice with… not even happiness, just not unhappiness. Even when he’s not sad, he isn’t… I don’t know what to do anymore. He was hurting, and he was just sitting there in pain. If Karen hadn’t gone to him. He had that leg for the better part of two weeks, and he didn’t say anything. How long would he have spent in pain, just to seem like he was trying?” The shakiness in Eddie’s speech reached new heights, the sound of it clawed at Buck’s soul.

Internally, Buck begged: for Eddie, for Eddie to stop, for Eddie to come to him, for Eddie to hold and let the smell of him wash over him, for him to hold Eddie- so he could tell him everything and feel him, them again. He found the words he needed and he opened his mouth but those same words fell dead on his lips.

Finally, finding a quasi- courage Buck started to lie back down, trying to will himself back to sleep. Then he sensed the change in Eddie before the man could make the noises for him to hear. The reaction was so familiar- his mind telling him to calm down, the anger wasn’t directed towards him but the protectiveness was and should be used as a shield. “No, Maddie. I would never do that, I hadn’t even considered that.” Eddie seethed out, closer to the door allowing the harshness of his tone to fill the room. The quietness of the bedroom pulled the steadying breath Eddie took into Buck’s ears. “Sorry, Maddie. It’s been a long day. Please don’t ask that again, I just wouldn’t do it. I didn’t do it with Shannon, I wouldn’t do it with Buck, I’m not that kind of person.” Eddie apologised, Buck didn’t need to have him in front of him to see his face, the knitted eyebrows, the sticking out bottom lip, he could almost feel the smile he used to cheer up Eddie on his face, almost. Without much balance, Buck pushes himself up and his head falling further backwards onto the headboard causing him to look up at the dark ceiling, allowing Buck to hear the strangled sound that escaped his own lips. Buck started to rub his weighted and shaky hands over his legs as he’d usually do in the truck after a stressful callout, his brain commanding him to stop with a violent gag, his mind still not used to his new body, that jerked his body forward as he reached the rounded end of his stump.

After only a few seconds that seemed to last years, Eddie gave a heavy sigh. “Maddie… I… Oh, thank you, we’ll sort it out tomorrow. Yeah… goodnight to you too.” Eddie said in a way that should have been too soft to have come from.

The steady stream of heavy beating on the bottom of the shower ceased. Eddie’s feet padded, slow and muted; getting closer to the door every passing second and Buck was willing his body to move- so he could look as Eddie had thought he had left him. Buck’s body fought against any instruction, freezing him on the spot. Buck’s saliva starts to burn hot in his mouth and tears start to cloud his eyes. The only part of Buck’s body that he can control just enough, is his eyelids allowing him to try and blink away the forming droplets in his eyes. Buck blinks faster than humanly possible, trying to bury him feeling too much and not enough deep inside of him. It reminds him, that he wants and wants, but never finding the strength to muster up the words to leave his mouth, Buck knows he’s a coward and can’t help but pull at the strands of want and weave the unmet needs into the fiery burn of anger and stitches it into his soul.

The handle of the bathroom door moves down gently and it opens slowly and ever so quietly. Like a sloth, Eddie tiptoes through the gap of the door. As he shuffles through the door, he leans into the frame to watch Buck, to check he is breathing after being left alone for more than five minutes. Just as he’s about to let his posture lax, he realises that Buck is awake and watching him back. He follows Buck’s body up from his fee… foot, until he reaches his eyes and the two of them, stare at each other like a deer caught in headlights.

Frighteningly, they mirror each other, each breath in sync, matching the same urgent energy. They gawk at each other, letting the seconds drip by, slowly turning into a minute. It is not them, who pull themselves out of a trance but the sound of a blaring car alarm. Shaking his head, Eddie crosses the empty space in the room as Buck turns his head to the window. At Eddie’s almost sudden appearance, Buck jumps the tiniest bit. Even though he was standing by his side of the bed, Eddie seemed closer, closer than he had been in months and a war of emotions he couldn’t name broke out inside of Buck.

Still standing Eddie reaches for Buck’s shoulder, finding its place nowhere near the soft skin of his neck or the startings of stubble, lingering for maybe just a second. One finger dips inside the wide collar and reminds Buck again how long it had been touched, just for the reason to be touched. Using his eyes to follow Eddie’s hand up to his face, he watched the face look back at him and Buck can see the apologetic look on his face, as he pulled back his hand. Eddie looking back at Buck can see his features schooled in confusion. He should know that it would be longer for Buck to be ready for... something or other, he isn’t going to push him. Hands out in front of him, so close to meeting any part of Buck’s body but he backs out of the commitment; Buck doesn’t need to feel any more pressure and tonight had shown him that. Witnessing the forlorn expression on Buck’s face, he tears at himself, digging his nails into his skin but Buck doesn’t need to know how he feels, he is already dealing with too much and Eddie won’t add himself to that. All Buck needs to do is get better, they need to be okay.

Desperate to change the nonverbal subject, Eddie clears his throat. “Sorry for waking you up. I… um,” Eddie tries to tell him with jerky movements, pointing to the open door. Shaking his head at himself, he rubs at the nape of his neck, cringing at his own unease.

“It… was the shower,” Buck whispers, his voice still heavy with sleep, pulling the covers up to his chin.

“Yeah. I was going to take a shower but realised I was too tired, so… I just brushed my teeth. I kinda forgot how loud, it can be.” Eddie forces out a laugh after he chokes out the words. Both of them know that the other is lying and share a wince. Eddie waits and waits to be called out on it but that doesn’t happen.

There is a weight in Eddie’s gaze and under the duvet, Buck grasps at the sheets making them bundle up and is reminded that there was a time that Eddie made Buck grasped at the sheets for entirely different reasons. As the texture of the sheets press into his skin, Buck wants to laugh from either irony and poetic justice. These sheets were the one that had graced the bed when they first had sex, drunk on each other. The watery laughter stays stuck in his gut. “It’s okay. I mi… ne… Don’t worry.” Trying to make his voice as noncommittal as possible, so Eddie wouldn’t feel like he has to, no matter how much Buck wants him. He pulls back the blanket on Eddie’s side and taps the empty spot once. Under instruction, he gets in; studying Buck for any sign of change in the man, he could wait as long as Buck needs, letting him lead the way. They both sit with their backs against the headboard, facing forward and neither of them saying anything, their hands sit apart but close enough to feel the heat coming off of the others.

Unable to stand the torture, Buck flips over to lay down on his stomach, burying his head in the pillow. A sense of burning starts in his fingertips; why was Eddie lying to him, why were they lying to each other, it would be so easy, to tell the truth, but they don’t, neither one of them. The heat slowly starts to crawl up his arms, but the more he lets his thoughts trickle, the more they circle round his head, a bitterly cold flow douses the flames.

The amount of water inside of him is so vast, it has to escape. He knew too well how to cry silently now, he was so used to the action, that it has almost become an art. As the embodiment of his feelings left his body, the ache for Eddie that always sat heavy in his heart increased, engulfing him.

Eddie takes another deep breath of the night to settle him again, in the silent room he can feel the racking sobs that are running through Buck’s body. He wants to reach out and pull Buck on top of him, or lie on top of Buck and stroke his hair like they used to after a hard shift. He wants to be the one, he should be the one that makes every single little bad thing go away: it’s his one main job to keep his family safe and happy and he just keeps failing; Shannon, Christopher and Buck, he keeps on failing Buck and that both stops and emboldens him because he can’t fail Buck, again. And not doing anything is better than trying and failing. All he wants to do is reach over and hold- to still the shaking form in his arms keep him there until he was him again but Buck already told him, they weren’t okay. 

So Eddie turns over on to his side and wills his eyes closed. To stop himself from doing something, anything, he digs his nails into the flesh of his arms. He can’t fall into the land of sleep until Buck is there already needing him to be safe before he can lower his guard.

After the exhausting time of a few minutes, Buck finally stops crying with a soundless last gulping sob. An overwhelming stream of tiredness starts to seep into his bones. He easily gives way to sleep, because just maybe he’ll wake up to find everything back to normal or he’ll just wake up and he and Eddie would be them again. But as he closes his eyes, he just wants his sleep to stay the whole night without interruption of absolute, terrifying and recurrent fear.

* * *

_**to sleep, perchance to dream** _

**\- William Shakespeare**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was meant to be up two days ago but I thought I had an appendicitis. I don't but I was freaking out a little bit as I live on an island that only has one hospital and it's currently having a hard time dealing with the crisis.
> 
> I'm trying to make the turnaround between chapter a bit quicker as I have the next four chapters planned.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed this chapter, it might seem a bit slow but some things are being set up that will have bigger parts in the story.
> 
> I am a little dragon who hoards comments and kudos like treasure.


	6. Sleep shall neither night nor day/ Hang upon his penthouse lid

**Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing.**

**Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared before**

**_ \- Edgar Allen Poe _ **

* * *

Hot blood coursing in his veins, Buck starts to feel the heaviness of his dreams. The texture of the sheets presses into the places that were uncovered by clothes. As he takes each breath in, the mattress dips against the expanding of his lungs. The pillow under his head reflects each movement, the tossing and turning. Under his hips, the springs compress dipping him, making his already uncomfortable position even more so. At the same time, it takes a clock to tick to the next second Buck becomes acutely aware of the crushing pains pushing on his leg. He can feel the weight of the fire engine on his leg again.

With every movement wrapped in agony, Buck rolls over. Out of the corner of his eyes, he can see Eddie softly sleeping, hair mussed and expression clear. He should wake him up and ask for painkillers but he had already bothered Eddie enough for one day. Every nerve in his body was pulled taut, reacting with shakiness as he winced pulling himself up. Somehow, the pain in his leg intensified with the bedroom fading into the dark night and his bed turning into cold, hard cement. To force himself not to cry out, Buck has to grit his teeth and scrunch his eyes tightly shut. Using too much force, Buck whips the duvet off of him, another layer falling on Eddie. He is now still unable to see where the pain is coming from, all he can do is stare at the place where it is coming from but looking back at him is just the sheet covering the bed but he still tries to grasp at the nexus of the pain. With every new beat of his heart, the pain increases, Buck just wants it to stop, it’s too much. The pain is becoming more real than he is, it is radiating throughout the nonexistent leg. As the tears start to stream from his face silently, he thinks about how he would do anything, anything, to make it stop. At this moment, pain is his existence in more ways than one.

Stuck in between worlds, the softness of the mattress and the tough, bitterly cold cement, Buck can feel his grip on this reality start to loosen again, feeling the ominous arm dragging him under the water. He needs something, anything to distract him.

* * *

The first days in the hospital, the pain and sedation were enough to keep him safe from himself. Then the next days at home, alone in bed trying to sleep, to recover, to not feel the here and now. Every time he would close his eyes, the pain would force him out of any sort of sleep. After minutes of hopelessly fidgeting, Buck finally makes a decision to take his mind off himself. With every nerve working overtime, every little movement uncoordinated - he fumbles with the remote taking longer than usual to turn the tv on.

As the light on the screen appears, Buck instantly recognises every pixel. The sound of the news starts to register in Buck’s mind, it lights the fire of abject terror in his brain. He can hear every vibration coming from the television, feel it in his bones. He can see the images moving and the sound continues on- and wants to pull away but his nervous system is frozen, unable to change or turn off the TV his fear increases. His mind is stuck and his body just defrosting enough to brutally shake, but slowly he starts to connect the dots allowing him to process what he’s seeing and hearing, it’s him.

It's him.

It is him in the dark under the engine screaming. The fear in him grows, even more, making his body loop the shaking with his cognizance only focusing on that, it is _him._ He can feel the screams emitting from his TV in his throat as though he was still making them. The more he watches, the more his body reacts. The always there pain changes. Instead of the soreness from the surgery, it transforms into the crushing of his now nonexistent leg. But now he can feel the crushing sensation crawling up his body. His whole body is now trapped under the fire truck, the suffocating weight pushing all the air out of his lungs.

As the sounds of him start to dull a little, the terror coursing through his body has no intention of doing the same.

The voiceover from the anchor that plays on top of his screams of agony fills the room. “An update to an ongoing story that we have covered here on channel 5. The spate of bombings committed by Freddie Costas, that finally ended with being arrested at the scene of his final bombing. That last bombing was one on a fire engine, the attack resulted in one of the firefighters being trapped under the vehicle. Said firefighter in a display of Los Angeles spirit was rescued by the bystanders and his fellow firefighters at attendance on the scene. Unfortunately, after being transported to a hospital, sometime later Evan Buckley the firefighter had to receive an amputation of his left leg. A source close to the family the defendant has been quoted “He is almost certainly going to be pleading no contest…” That is all we know for now, but you will be kept up to date with any new developments. Up next Michelle will be talking with Dr Louis Moreno, a criminologist, to examine Freddie’s behaviour.”

The words the woman on the TV spits out with an exaggerated fake smile on her face. Her tone smothered in fakeness still seems to have an effect on Buck, her words flowing into his waking dream, even though he isn’t paying attention to her speech, his body, brain and being only concentrated on the sounds he made. As the news starts to transition, more scenes of him trapped playing adding to his simulation.

Elsewhere in the house, the front door had been opened by Eddie to welcome Christopher home. The young boy was being chaperoned by Carla, her tentatively looking towards Eddie for final instruction. Wooden, Eddie leads both of them, with a firm hand gripping Chris’ shoulder to the sitting room. He deposits Chris on the sofa gently but doesn’t allow him to move out of his control.

Eddie crouches down in front of the sofa and Chris, so his son and he are at the same eye level, “Chris, Mijo, I know you really want to see Buck and you can,” Eddie tells him, soft and gentle while stroking his son’s hair with sweaty palms and darting eyes. “But remember I told you he had to have a second operation. He had to have that because he got an infection …” Eddie says, still fingering Chris’ hair, he takes a deep breath and closes his eyes for a second. “And because of that, he had to have his left leg taken off; just above his knee”, he has to force himself not to cry as he bites out the words, still giving Christopher’s hair calming strokes. “So when you see him. I don’t want to react… in a… frightened way. He’s still Buck, nothing about him has changed apart from his body,” with that Chris takes a startled breath and his eyes go wide, the tone of his father concealed fear and sadness running through him. “So you will see him today but you’re going to have to wait because he’s asleep right now and he might be too sad to see you right when he wakes up. He’s not sad at you or because he doesn’t want to see you, the first thing he asked about when he woke up from the operation was you. But a lot of things have changed and you know how when we first moved here, you were sad for a bit before you got used to it” Eddie finishes and pulls Christopher into his chest and rests his head on top of Chris’, scrunching his eyes shut his eyes to stop the tears from rolling down his face. A few minutes pass of father and child, finding comfort in each other, slow and arduous, taking and giving. 

Eventually, Eddie finds Carla’s eyes that have been on him the whole time, in them, he finds questioning, authority and concern. A twitch of his head that could be seen as a nod without any effort is passed to her. Hesitantly, Eddie untangles himself from Christopher, while blinking away the tears forming in his eyes again. Standing up, he plasters a fake smile on his face, when he knows Chris can see him before asking, “I’m going to talk to Maddie and Carla in the kitchen, what do you want to watch?”

Christopher shrugs while biting his lip, “Adventure Time.”

“Okay, that sounds good. I’ll put it on.” Eddie says looking anywhere but Chris’ face. The theme tune of the show starts to fill the uncomfortable silence of the room, he places the remote on the coffee table before meeting the two women in the kitchen.

The song ends quickly and all Chris can think about is that if Buck is asleep that means he can go and see him and when he wants to see him when he’s awake, he won’t make him even sadder with his reaction. So leaving the TV on, Chris gathers his crutches in his hands. As quiet as his body can possibly allow, Christopher pushes himself up off the sofa and quietly walks out of the room and to his parents' bedroom. It takes him, the same time it usually would get to the bedroom but along the way he picks up the dinosaur blanket, Buck had got him when he had a strep infection. It drags across the floor behind him.

The door to the bedroom is closed but Christopher can hear the muffled sounds of the TV. With one hand on his crutches and the other laced through the arm holder he jerkingly wraps his hand around the handle of the door. Still trying not to wake up Buck, he pushes the door open slightly.

As the door opens, Christopher pitches his face in childish confusion- Buck’s awake. Chris is about to back out of the before his screen but then he hears what’s playing on TV. He was only vaguely aware of what had actually happened to Buck, but seeing him watch himself screaming was starting to make knots in his stomach and his eyes feel sore and heavy. Chris then whips his head towards, unable to watch anymore; he was witnessing Buck’s demeanour, his eyes glazed watching the screen and his whole body shaking.

The child was starting to get scared but he was born with innate braveness, he walked over to the bed that Buck was occupying, standing on the other side of the bed and first watching Buck, Christopher tried to come to a decision. He’d be in trouble if his Dad found out he’d gone to see Buck without his permission but someone needed to help him. Too much like his father, Chris found his way to a decision, getting into the bed next to Buck- like his father had earlier, Christopher pulled Buck’s head into his lap and began to stroke his hair, after pulling the blanket over them. The caresses were as gentle as he could and they were exceedingly slow, without saying anything Chris turned off the TV and some of the stiffness in his body melts away. Despite his efforts, the shaking and the unfocused likeness of Buck’s eyes carried on. Chris’ fear starts to build up as nothing he’s doing, is calming Buck down. He launches the idea of getting his dad, he would know what to do, but the young boy also didn’t want to leave Buck alone. With ever more fervour, Chris tries another way to calm the man down, he remembers the song his mother used to sing him when he was younger, Mr Sandman started to flow out of him. The tune was only slightly off-key as the strokes match it. Buck’s heartbeat began to slow from dangerously quick to less dangerous but still too fast.

Eddie followed by Maddie dragged himself into the living room, while Carla stayed in the kitchen making meals for the coming days. As the two of them rounded into the room, they were greeted by the slight that Christopher was no longer in the room. Taking a deep exasperated breath and rolling his eyes, Eddie marched to his bedroom, he knew Chris wouldn’t wake Buck, he was just eager to prove to himself that his Buck was still alive. He didn’t know why he thought his son would listen to him about this, him and Buck were close in ways the two of them couldn’t be. Both of them had the ability to feel too much. Maddie lets out a steadying breath behind as he walks to the two of them.

As they entered the room, they were shocked by the sight before them. Eddie has to choke down the sob that wants to rip through him, the fear of all four of them engulfs the room. Buck’s violently shaking form and Christopher trying to comfort him was a sobering sight.

“What happened?” Maddie asked, attempting to hide her hysteria to not scare the young child.

Christoper is trying to stop himself from crying but it is not going very well as the tears start to drop out of his eyes as he speaks, “I didn’t wake him, Daddy. Honest.”

“I know you didn’t. Just tell me, what happened,” Eddie says tapping his finger on the side of his leg and swallowing the excessive saliva in his mouth.

“When… I… came in.. the TV was on. And it was the news. And Buck was on the TV. He was watching it but his eyes were funny— and, and he was shaking,” Chris tries to state, the words getting caught in his mouth as his crying becomes more prominent. “He just… He just needed someone to hug him.”

Eddie moves closer to the bed, taking careful steps while watching his boys. “When you saw what Buck was like you should have come and got me,” Eddie says softly while trying to be authoritative but it just ends up being a sigh of resignation.

“But I would have been in trouble,” Chris tells him like it's simple and to a child maybe this situation is just that simple. “And I didn’t want Buck to be alone.”

Eddie gets into the bed next to Chris and pills him into his side. He chooses his tone carefully, it is somewhere between a telling off and is informing, “you still should have got me. This a…. You’re a kid and a… grownup should do this and not you, okay,” Eddie taps his leg again, before speaking again. “You’re not in trouble, I understand you wanted to help Buck. But you are going to go with Maddie and I’m going to stay with him.” He watches for Chris to nod and slowly receives one.

Taking care not to disturb Buck, Eddie picks up and sets him on the floor by his crutches, he tries to pull off the blanket but Chris interrupts that action, "that's the feel better blanket, Buck needs it". In quick succession, following his instructions, Maddie leads Christopher out of the room by holding his hand.

Tenderly, Eddie manoeuvres Buck onto his legs and replaces Chris’ hand, moving through the short hair. His other hand finds its home on Buck’s neck, measuring the pulse that beat through him. Slowly, Eddie takes a deep breath and closes his eyes, trying to seek some solace within himself to pass on to Buck. His already active concern heightens as Buck doesn’t settle. How hard Buck’s body is working, the muscles stuck in repetitive shaking and a thrumming heartbeat quicker than a hummingbird’s is a worrying thought, from what he is aware of, he can assume that it has been going on for at least fifteen minutes. It isn’t healthy for this to happen, Buck's body was already dealing with enough stress. Eddie is carrying on his actions to try and soothe Buck but he has started to plan when he should call an ambulance. It is only a few minutes later when Buck’s suddenly become boneless, having been exhausted from the involuntary movements. Eddie isn't sure what worries him: the fact that Buck had such an intense panic attack that he wasn’t able to even acknowledge reality or that it caused him to pass out. Either way, all he could hope was the Buck would get better.

All Buck could remember from that attack was turning the TV and the world fading away from him, but it made him know never to turn on the TV to help distract himself from the pain.

* * *

Clenching his jaw, feeling the pain radiate through him, Buck looks over to the sleeping form next to him. The man had dealt with him enough today. Beyond his belief, the pain gets stronger, he wants to be sick from it. He can almost feel the pain behind his eyeballs as it gets even more painful. Along with the pain, he can feel the cold on his leg, if he wasn’t looking directly at the empty space where his leg was meant to be, he could believe that it was still there. No respite from the pain could be found, it just kept coursing in his body. Every breath was an effort, as his body heaved in turn with them, clenching his jaw and tears appearing in his eyes from the pain. Apart from the strain on his body, Buck was only able to entertain one thought, not to wake Eddie from his sleep.

Another wave of pain tears through that makes his eyes water even more and that’s it, enough to convince him to do something to take away the pain, he’d do almost anything. Buck bites the fingers of one of his hands and uses the other one to reach out and grasp at the absence of the limb that is causing the pain. He knows that his leg isn’t there anymore but the pain, heat, cold, the feeling of it existing is so convincing. A burning of rage starts to build up in him, nothing he can do will make it go away, he tries to force out the feeling through his stare. With all his might, that stare of contempt continues as it can somehow get rid of the pain. All of a sudden, there is a metallic taste in his mouth that tells him he is biting so hard on his fingers that he has drawn blood, the pain in his body is no longer hiding in the unreal leg but running around his body. Shaking, he pulls the fingers out of his mouth, the blood pooling behind his teeth, still not feeling any pain from his self inflicted injury. Exhaling forcefully through his nose, Buck unclenches and clenches his jaw again to stop him crying out from the pain- it is still taking over his body and thoughts. His leg makes it's nonexistence redundant, by still existing through the experience of the pain. It reminded him of what he was missing, what had lost… what had been taken from him.

As the pain started to build more, Buck knew he had to do something. He couldn’t just stay there, like a waterfall he was falling further into the mouth of the pain. Eyes still bleary, jaw still clenched tighter than possible. Every nerve participates in the crushing. Buck gave into a weak impulse that came from his knowledge of what Eddie’s day tomorrow entails. Not having the ability to have a second thought, Buck blundered with his crutches to the side of him. With unsteady hands influenced by pain, he knocked them over and they hit the floor with a muffled bang, only because of the foam covering the armrests. But the sound was loud enough to get Eddie to give out a small grunt. Only with half a mind present, Buck stops for about ten seconds, wincing from both the pain and not wanting his lover to wake up. When he is sure that Eddie hasn’t woken up, Buck rolls his eyes, feeling the pain scream through him, pricking under his skin and crawling up and down his hallucinatory leg. Stretching down to pick up the crutches on the floor, his fingers barely wrapping around them and falling out of them, even taking a breath was agony- his lungs going the same as his ‘leg’ was. It seemed like the pain that had started in his leg, unchecked was had migrated to the rest of his body. After, reaching for his crutches and dropping them. Then again getting them in his hands, they fell once more. An encore of that action happened, again and again, his body drowned in the pain. Eventually, after growing wearier, he achieved a light but firm grip around the metal pole of the crutches.

Slowly, with every part of his body refusing, made a move to the edge of the bed sitting with his leg touching the floor and his residual limb hanging off the mattress. Hastily, with the pain both increasing and decreasing his speed. Buck tested the strength of his grip on the mobility aids- pushing himself up on them and then sitting back down, again. When he’s fully convinced, he’s safe enough, he pulls himself up with the crutches.

With the pain still running through him while standing, he has to take a deep breath of oxygen and close his eyes. It took a second of absent-mindedness for Buck to move his hand to rub his leg that stops just above the knee and that lapse of judgement makes him nearly fall. He just catches himself before he meets the floor and binds his hands to the crutches, making his knuckles go white. Before he can press down into them, he has to wade through the pain that wants him to stay rooted and not move even a hair.

But ever a Buckley and Diaz, Buck battles the hesitation and presses down into the armrests. His body is still struggling to cope with the shaking and weariness from the pain. The commanding tone, that raises the hair on the back of his neck and it makes him feel impossibly small, of his physical therapist reciting instructions through his brain, the next one, which does without any grace, lifting his residual limb and trying to gently swing his foot forward. Following the next step, he lands his foot in between the crutches, while remembering to keep his knee slightly bent. And then he transfers the weight back on to his foot.

As he finishes his one round of the instructions, Buck grinds his teeth and reflects on how much effort it took to take one, just one step. The others have it so easy, not having to think of every single movement, just to take a step; not having to work so hard to move around the room, from room to room, it was so tiring just to move. They all act like they understand and maybe they think they do but they don’t. He certainly didn’t, until it happened and the thick bile of guilt made its way to his mouth when he thought of Christopher.

He follows the series of actions, again,

Again,

Again,

Again,

Again,

And again.

Finally, it is only one more time and until he makes it to the doorway of the bathroom. Crutches in front of him, press down, lift and swing, land with the knee bent, transfer weight back. The pain makes it's known with each ‘step’, but through sheer grit and determination he gets to the door and whatever deities exist that Eddie didn’t close the door behind him. Before crossing the threshold into the bathroom, Buck rests against the door frame and contemplates while looking over at Eddie but shakes his head after a few seconds.

After making it over the threshold into the bathroom, Buck has to sit himself on the toilet. While sitting there, he wipes his bloody fingers on his grey sweatpants leaving a dark red stain behind. Still sitting, the pain continues on, ripping and tearing at his person, crushing his leg between the fire truck and the concrete road like a vice. The battle between him and his tears is just about won by him this time but a single tear gets past his defences and rolls down his cheek. A watery groan escapes through his lips, and another level of pain is achieved.

Turning his towards the medicine cabinet, Buck pushes out a huff. It is so close. So close for everyone but him. Only ten steps, another ten rounds of the sequence it takes for him to take a step. Slowly each movement heavy with the weight of the pain, Buck closes his eyes and lets out a harsh exhale of breath; then after the push of oxygen leaves his lungs he looks through the open door he can see Eddie softly snoring, it takes moment for his shoulder to slump and his head to shake. A minute passes before he tries to push up on his crutches but his bottom only makes it half an inch off the toilet seat, until the pain makes his arms shake and he has to fall back on the seat. Darting his eyes over to Eddie again, some words want to find their way out of him and he wants those words to leave his body, but his swain remains a sleeping form on his side, arms crossed. So completely unbalanced, shaking and in unbearable pain, Buck pulls himself up his muscles screaming at the effort, he should stop and get… but he doesn’t 

In the back of his head, he can hear the screaming and Bobby talking to the kid, making the pain more convincing that it is all happening again.

His head too clouded, Buck doesn’t check his process of taking a step. The movements are totally wrong, causing him even more pain while making him faster but he makes it three steps until he is opposite the shower. One of the crutches hit the tiled floor, a collection of water trapped between the two. And then Buck is flying to the floor back first.

He hits the floor with a thud, all of the wind knocked out of him. Now, his whole body is in even pain, the shaking ever worse. Buck tries to get up, pushing to get up off his back but his exhausted muscles reject the command. So laying on the wet floor of the bathroom, Buck loses the battle with tears and sobs rack through his body, all of his self-control broken as he becomes absorbed by the action. Frustration running rampant in his body, he punches the floor with his already damaged hand. That hand is now completely covered in blood, the bite wounds now ripped wider. As the water starts to seep into his clothes, Buck begins to feel as though he can’t sink any lower. How had he gone from Buck the fit, strong and happy firefighter to Buck the infirm, feeble and melancholic amputee?

What had happened to him?

Buck heard Eddie’s voice, “Buck? What?” half asleep and he tilts his head to the side letting out a soft expel of air. “Buck? Buck? Buck! Shit!” Eddie realises jumping out of bed suddenly with the last syllable accompanied the rustling of sheets.

Buck can hear the beating footsteps that belong to Eddie, he’s running the short distance. In the next flash of time, Eddie is standing in the doorway with wide eyes. He lingers in the entrance for a moment with Buck who is avoiding looking him in the eyes. When he sees the bloody hand caught in the glow of the street light, he is kicked into action. A second later, he is down by Buck’s side, his eyes are soft and stuck on Buck, the stare carries on before he speaks, “c’mon, let's get you to sit on the toilet,” the tone gentle, the same way he talks to Chris when he’s had an accident. Firstly, he pulls Buck up, so his back is off the floor, Buck’s body bowing his head and wrinkling his nose. Secondly, after getting a firm grip under Buck’s shoulder’s he lifts him with the little help Buck is able to give, they do a kind of waddle to the seat of the toilet.

“What happened?” Eddie asked, wiping his brow after letting out a laboured breath.

“My leg…” Buck tells him, reaching out where it should be. “And… and… I was remembering. I just couldn’t sleep anymore” he carries on rubbing his face.

Eddie moves to kneel down in front of Buck’s leg and stares at him. “You should have woken me up, I would have helped you,” Eddie says even softer this time, eyes watery and chewing on his bottom lip.

You’ve got work, tomorrow,” Buck says shaking his head dismissively, which makes Eddie grit his teeth. “You need to sleep. And I should be able to look after myself.”

Eddie rolls his eyes and tries to make his tone come out as concern but it misses the mark…. for Buck at least, ”you wouldn’t want Chris to not ask for help if he needed it.”

“I’m not a child,” the answer he gets is clipped and short, but he was almost sure that Buck’s closed eyes and turned face was to hide the fact that he was crying.

“That’s not what… I didn’t mean that” Eddie says while closing his eyes and subtly shaking his head. Trying to project calm and happy vibes on to Buck, Eddie changes his face to wear a small fake smile, “let’s get you out of these clothes.” There is a slight hesitation before Buck lets his body go lax and allows his partner to manipulate him out of the wet clothing. When all the clothes are bundled up in his hands, Eddie throws them on the floor of the bedroom.

Sat in his underwear, Buck covers the remains of his legs and looks up at Eddie who's wearing narrow eyes and a tilted head. When Buck’s hand curls open and closed from the pain, Eddie comes out of a daze. “I’ll get the codeine and the muscle relaxant,” Eddie tells him while walking over to the medicine cabinet.

“... and a sleeping tablet,” Buck whispers, clenching his eyes.

“Buck…” Eddie warns, “you’re not meant to have them all the time and you had one yesterday.”

“Please, Eddie. I can feel it, I feel like I’m still there. I just want to sleep, I’m so tired.” He begs, biting at his tongue.

“Ok. Ok. Ok. You can have it!” Eddie says, quickly, Buck's voice pulling at him, “let me get you a glass of water.”

“...Don’t need it. I can swallow them dry,” Buck tells Eddie, trying to speed up those three little pieces of peace.

Eddie walks to Buck, unsure he holds out his hand halfway between the of them. “I don’t think that’s the best idea..” Buck interrupts Eddie’s string of words by taking all three pills out of hand swallowing them.

Eddie goes to lift Buck again but this time he is a dead weight. “Please, get me some clothes,” Buck starts to beg again, his breaths hot and heavy on Eddie’s face.

Eddie quirks his lip and furrows his eyebrows before sighing “Buck…”

“Please!” Buck is begging even more now if that is possible.

“Ok. Just..” Eddie taps his shoulder before walking into the bedroom and rifling through the drawers. He comes back with a dark blue t-shirt and another pair of grey sweatpants. Instead of giving Buck the clothes or asking him, Eddie makes a decision based on the exhaustion written all over him. He pulls the t-shirt over Buck’s arms and torso and pulls the legs of the pants of the lower half of him. After he is done, he wraps his arm around Buck and lifts him, “c’mon let’s get you back to bed,” Eddie tells himself and Buck.

Just before he is about to turn around, the two men stare at the other's lips, licking their own and their eyes lock, glistening off the glow of the streetlamp but nothing happens.

At a snail’s pace, they finally make it to the bed, Eddie’s arms tight around the expanse of Buck’s chest. When they are both in bed, they curl into the other’s space without touching any part of the other’s body.

Eddie takes another deep breath of the night, before reaching out to stroke Buck’s hair but pulling away before he meets the strands. Eddie clears his throat to get Buck attention, his eyes fluttering half-open and unfocused which brings the shivering of memories back to Eddie.

“Maddie is coming to stay with you while I go to work tomorrow,” he tells Buck, waiting for some sign of more anger but instead he is met by another occurrence of Buck’s forced unconsciousness.

* * *

**O what can ail thee, knight-at-arms,  
Alone and palely loitering?**

_ **\- John Keats** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Tumblr](https://gaiamax.tumblr.com/)
> 
> So earlier this week my computer decided to crap out. I have handwritten chapters since chapter four because find it easier to write down my flow of ideas and typing it up is my first round of edits and I had this chapter done by Wednesday and then I go to type it out but computer says no. Suppose that's what I get for using a Chromebook. 
> 
> I am actually trying to make my writing quicker to get more chapters out to you but, man writing is hard. I have got so many plans for the story, weaving them together and knowing when to place the events that have to happen is so hard.
> 
> This also the last chapter of this night and the longest chapter so far, the story will be getting to a faster pace.
> 
> Kudos and comments are always appreciated.


	7. Thus mellow’d to that tender light/ which heaven to gaudy day denies

**The are some eyes that can eat you**

_ **\- Angela Carter** _

* * *

Too quickly after not enough sleep, light introduces itself streaming through the window while his alarm blares, scratching at his ears. Groaning, Eddie rolls over and sits up slowly, stretching he picks up his phone, and turns off the loud alarm. Eyeing the notifications, through the cloud of sleep, he sees the missed call banner from Maddie.

After starting the stretching at his legs, Eddie gets to his neck cracking it with two turns. Now limber, he spares a surveying look while biting his lip at Buck, who’s blood is still pumping the sleeping inducer around his body, drowning him in the pool of sleep. Eddie takes some time to appreciate that Buck looks almost at peace and nearly like him again, carefree and candid, but he is reminded by the completely still form that you have to stare at to see the shallow breathing that this wasn’t truly him, only merely the appearance of serenity. Forcing a swallow, he starts to reach over, stopping half way between them… for a second, before committing to the action and tracing the birthmark of the person he loves. With his hand still on Buck’s face, he takes a fallen eyelash off Buck’s cheek, stroking across the flesh as he does so. Pulling away, Eddie can’t help but behold how Buck’s features capture the sunlight, how natural it was for the sun to be at home there. Just watching him and his breathing, is a comfort to Eddie, a reassurance that his lover is here, and alive. With his Fiancé asleep, he doesn’t have to worry about anything but his breathing, not about; how much he needs to care of him, wanting to be able to take all of Buck’s pain away, wanting to be allowed to love on him again, that it wasn’t only his body but his mind in pain, how much pushing he could handle and second guessing every single action he took.

With one last weighty glance, Eddie drew in everything that is Buck. Eddie’s eyes began to sweep over Buck, his light brown hair, his delicately yet firmly shut eyelids that hid his beautiful baby blue eyes, falling onto plump pink lips. Taking in the rest of still muscular but fading form.

Eddie finally shifts his weight from his hips to the feet on the floor, moving to stand. Shoving his phone into the pockets of his sweatpants, reminding himself to return the call from Maddie, he lightly treads out of the room. On the other side of the doorway, Eddie pulls the door shut behind as gentle as possible, only letting go of it when the catch clicks. Pressing himself against the door the man takes a deep inhale of air, trying to suck in any untapped energy lying around. Eddie allows himself to have a minute, just to him, before starting the day. 

Still treading and eyes bleary, Eddie reaches the kitchen- rolling his eyes at his Abuela tidying of the room. Slowly, rubbing his eyes trying to get the sleep out of them, Eddie shuffles over to the cupboard and pulls two mugs out. Then after setting the two mugs in front of it, he switches on the coffee machine. It comes to life the whirring of it, not only filling the silent room but the silent house. Losing himself, Eddie stares at the brand name of the machine, he begins to reminisce about every little detail of him and Buck and what they were like before _that kid_ made an impact on their lives without a second thought. A certain specific memory that was at a fair brought a ghost of a smile to his face, the twinkling lights shining in the brightness of Buck’s eyes as he and Chris played on the water cannons. Since the incident, only dullness seemed to reside in them.

When a car honked outside, Eddie is pulled out of his daze, remembering that he needs to follow the routine of a workday during the week. He forced himself to trudge into the hallway, on his way to Christopher’s room.

During his short journey, passing almost distant memories on the wall and strewn toys that had found their way out of the toy boxes, that should have been put away by Chris before going to be last night. His Abuela, no matter how much he tells her that Chris needs to do so, lets him get away with it. All of the toys hug the walls, leaving enough space for both of the crutch users to get around the house safely. With each step, a new toy is added to the collection in his arms. After he has amassed a group of ten toys in his arms, Eddie finally gets to the doorway that leads to Chris’ room. His toes just edging over the threshold as he observes the room, noting discarded clothes and scattered homework. Setting a series of tasks, Eddie advances into his child’s bedroom with a reticent agility. Following the mission at hand with the same quiet movement, Eddie gets to the toy box that resides in this room. With gentleness, Eddie eases open the lid of the chest and places the assortment of toys inside. Wafting around the room, Eddie gets to the next objective and sets to work, separating the dirty clothes from the clean ones- he starts with the socks propping them up against his nose and regretting it immediately, internally declaring them dirty, he then moves onto the shirts that decorate the top of the chest of drawers, without out having any stains he declared them clean, the last of the clothes consisted of pants laid over the edge of the bed he knew for a fact that these were clean as they were the same way his Abuela likes to set out clean clothes that needed to be put away. With one last act of ordering Chris’ homework into the appropriate piles on his desk, Eddie is ready for another person in the house to start their day.

Imbued with care and responsibility, Eddie pushes himself to the small bed that Chris is occupying, taking a shift of the minute clock hand to attend his son’s resting fettle. After a gaze, he sits down beside the sleeping boy. A babbling under his skin starts to warm himself as he takes in takes in his son’s face, pulling at the features that belonged to him and Shannon while also marvelling at the influence Buck seemed to have on his expression, Christopher mirrored Buck’s old casual happiness at the mundanity of everyday and had his openness of love and affection to the world without expecting anything in return, Roaming his eyes around the room until he found the children’s clock that had hour and minute hand labelled, pushed him into action as Carla would be arriving soon.

He moves his hand and starts at Chris’ hair and brushing against his face, the rough skin of his hands contrasting against the baby soft skin of the child. With all the tenderness in the world falling out of him, Eddie lays his lips against Chris' forehead; his delighting in the proof of his son, pressing a kiss that has been waiting on his lips. Under them, Chris feels slightly warmer than usual but he wasn’t hot enough to bring forth any concern.

Eddie pulls his head up from Christopher and begins to try and rouse him by tapping his shoulder. Despite his efforts all he earns is a barely there groan and Chris turning from his back on to his front, burying his face into the pillow. So he lets out a forced exhale of air that could be a chuckle, before stroking his hair again. “Fine, five more minutes,” he says before tip-toeing out of the room.

With time still on his side, Eddie resumes the rest of the routine, walking back to his room. Once there he witnesses Buck again, focusing on the shallow breathing to reassure himself that the man is okay, with the sleeping tablets clouding his significant other’s system, he is reminded of sitting vigil by his bedside at the hospital, all those feelings flooding back, overrunning Eddie’s body with the strength of them. When they hit Eddie can’t help but worry about the weight Buck had lost, the doctor had said it was to be expected after the surgery, the coma, the drugs and the shock to the body, but… Eddie shook his head, trying to remain on time.

With one last examination, absorbing Buck and getting stuck on where his collar bone meets his neck, that is begging for Eddie’s attention. He clenches his jaw and closes his eyes, before turning towards the dresser and getting his uniform and setting it out of the leaning ladder rail next to the door of the bathroom.

Speeding up, Eddie makes his way into the en-suite. In the room, he sheds his clothes, letting them fall onto the floor under him. With his feet encased in fabric, he kicks the clothes to the corner of them. With jerking movements Eddie turns on the shower, finding the correct combination of heat and pressure; while waiting for the shower to reach its peak, he brushes his teeth and hops from from foot to foot trying to exorcise the negative type of energy trying to find a permanent home inside of him. The taste of mint clings to his teeth, as he gets into the shower, heat eats at his bones and works into his muscles, sucking at the tension. Eddie at last lets himself relax, not having to worry about anything outside of the panels of the shower. His body wilting, he leans his forehead on the wall, letting the water beat down his back, a slow tranquil beat and taking a deep breath. Like every shower he has alone since Shannon died and Buck got _hurt_ to have a few seconds of peace, existence without worry of the three, now two most important people in his life.

After allowing himself a chance at calm for a few seconds, Eddie scrubs at himself, going at the build up grime on his skin. The minutes pass by quickly, then Eddie steps out of the shower, wrapping the only small towel left from the clean laundry, around him.

Just before he is about to leave the bathroom , Eddie remembers the incident from last night, so he uses his pants to mop up any remaining water from the shower that ended up on the floor. He takes the pants off the floor after two more swipes than necessary, he has to make sure that the house is safer than possible, this Buck’s home and should be his sanctuary, he has to make sure of that.

With time biting at his heels, Eddie rushes into the bedroom. As he looks up from his hands as steps over the threshold, he is met by Buck’s enquiring eyes, he matches them as the breath hitches in his throat. Buck’s eyes slowly trail down his body; his face, his neck, his shoulders , his chest, his stomach, his groin before they dart back up to his eyes. Eddie takes a deep sympathy breath before turning his head, running his bottom lip through his teeth and his eyes softening with the same emotion. He gives a slight nod and Buck looks away at the other side of the room.

Eddie waits for Buck to look back, allowing for thirty seconds to pass, but he doesn’t until the last millisecond and Eddie just catches him and the intense fondness, that makes him forget everything else but his people, and he want to return it but he needs to get ready and he is already running late. He tries to make up time by throwing the uniform on his frame, after a bite of time he finds himself tangled in a mess of pants and an undershirt, behind him he hears a small, lacking some enthusiasm but still there snort and that throws a grin on his face. Still under the constraints of time, Eddie doesn’t turn around fully but continues dawning his clothes until he is fully dressed.

Eddie can feel Buck’s eyes boring into him, he knows that he should be waking up Chris and getting his work bag ready, but it isn’t even a choice whether or not he can be late for Buck.

He spins on the balls of his feet, so he can face him. “Is everything, ok?” He asks patiently, rubbing out anything else but Chris out of his mind.

“Yeah… No… It’s just...Um” the words get caught on Buck’s tongue, so instead he gestures to the top that is wearing him. It takes a second, for Eddie to realise why Buck is so uncomfortable in the piece of cloth. Then the dots stare to join up, the dark blue of Buck’s t-shirt matches the colour of his uniform and Eddie’s widen in understanding and Buck lets out a heavy exhale. “I can’t wear this any longer. My crutches are still in the bathroom, could get them and a new top for me?” He asks with his volume scarcely above a whisper.

“I’m sorry. When I got it, I didn’t know,” he tells Buck walking closer to him. As he gets closer, Buck turns his head towards him, looking up and Eddie marvels at how captivity Buck is, even when he is in turmoil. “Of course, I’ll get your crutches but we don’t have any clean t- shirts left. The one I slept in is still dry, if you don’t mind wearing it,” he carries on getting even closer to Buck until they share the same personal space and they are breathing one another in as they inch towards the other. Then something that burns trickles into Eddie’s mind and pulls his face away from Buck and instead uses his index and middle fingers to push up Buck’s chin, then draws the fingers away after a good few seconds.

Buck keeps his face where Eddie positioned it, but he added an accompaniment of knotted eyebrows. “Yeah, that’s ok, it’s not like I’m going anywhere,” the voice he uses to say the words is delicate and compliant. Eddie’s feel of burning is dampened and he presses a hand to the side of his face, feeling the stubble and texture of his skin against his palm. Without even a first thought, Buck leans into the touch closing his eyes along the way. Eventually, Buck remembers that Eddie doesn’t have the time to give to him on work morning and starts to drag his face away. The action earns narrowed eyes and a tilt of Eddie’s head.

Slowly as though hesitation was another part of his blood alongside the plasma, Eddie takes his hand away savouring the feel as each finger leaves the skin. In the bathroom, Eddie puts the crutches under his arm, in his armpit and picks up the top. His return to Buck is the opposite to his arrival to the bathroom, he takes about four steps at a time.

Buck watches Eddie enter the room with his things in hand. Each step, he registers it in his mind. Finally, Eddie reaches Buck and enters his personal space again. The earlier disposition Buck had returned, subdued and docile- Eddie sets the crutches beside him. After, Eddie’s hands find their way to the hem of his shirt, Buck is no longer in enough pain or in a haze created by his mind to warrant someone dressing him. A battle within him starts, hot and cold, a struggle between wants, independence and Eddie. The fight in him remains internal, his demeanour remaining compliant throughout leaning into each accidental brush of skin on skin.

Each of Eddie’s fingers make their own journey of Buck, slow and agreeing with intimacy and disagreeing with how fast they are working. And as long it takes for a look, Eddie parts from Buck’s bubble. He gives him a quick, hardly noticeable squeeze, then he walks back in the bathroom. In there, he stands in front of the mirror and pulls down products to fix his hair. After a few seconds of palming it through the stands of his. In a hurry, Eddie gives his reflection one last glance before walking out and picking up his beg from the corner of the room.

Hastily, he runs around the bedroom packing his bag. He rifles through the drawers and putting his things in their bag, one thing is left- another pair of sweat resistant socks. Buck catches the darting eyes and lets out a soft barely audible exhale.

“Your Abuela puts them in the bottom one but Carla puts them in the top one,” Buck tells Eddie, still obviously half asleep as the words come out as mumbles. “I usually… I used to move them the middle one that’s why you can’t find them,” his tone changes to sadness infused with reminiscing.

Quickly, Eddie fingers through the top drawer shaking his head at the fact he had missed them the first time around. “Ah… found them,” he says, throwing a look over his shoulder. Eddie walks over to the doorway and stops just before he steps out, he stops to ask a question. “Chris will wanna see you before he goes to school is that okay… after everything yesterday? I know he can be a bit heavy-handed,” he asks, looking at Buck- the gazed is powered by intensity and his fiancé gets caught up in it, a shared ache getting stronger with each beat of a second.

“I’m ok to see him. ‘Gonna go back to sleep after they leave,” Buck says, fighting a yawn blooming out of his mouth.

“He’ll love that. Um… I told you last night, but I think you were asleep before I finished speaking, Maddie is coming to stay with you while Carla is at her other job. I’ll call you around lunch to check in with,” Eddie tells him, capturing his companion’s countenance for a wink of time.

Feeling an almost habitual burn in the pit of his stomach, Buck waits until Eddie’s footfalls have faded into the kitchen before speaking into the empty air. “What would I ever do without having a babysitter to watch me sleep?” As the words fall from his mouth, a sigh puts a stop to the vibrations in his larynx. 

At the speed of light, Buck pulls a fistful of the t-shirt up to his nose inhaling Eddie’s devastatingly heady scent. The source of the heat in his gut cools a little as the smell works its way into his body, that being an overwhelming source of calm that brings forth memories of times not long passed but beyond his reach.

Buck doesn’t move the fabric from his face, instead pressing it more into his face. Feeling calmer and nearer to Eddie then he had done in recent memory. Surrounded by Eddie’s musky scent, the usually tense muscles continuously infused with adrenaline unwind a little, letting the mattress do it’s work of supporting him. In the back of his mind, he notices how easy it is to pull at Eddie’s shirt, how much space there is to fill and how it hangs off his body. 

In the kitchen, Eddie notes the time from his phone and decides to let Chris sleep in and have Carla get him ready. The little spare time he has, he uses it to pour himself a coffee and returns the calls from Maddie.

While the phone works through the dialling tone, he sips at the coffee, quickly trying to be more caffeine than human. Maddie picks up after the third ring.

“Hey Maddie, you called?” He asks, holding the phone between his ear and his shoulder.

“Yeah, I won’t be able to stay with Buck today. There’s a stomach bug going round work, five people have called out,” she says, unsureness running through her voice.

Eddie takes a deep breath and clenches his jaw and speaks through gritted teeth, “I understand, I just…”

Maddie cuts him off before he can say anymore, “No I get it. I feel the same way, if they didn’t really need me. I wouldn’t even consider going.” In lieu of a reply Eddie makes a grunt of understanding and takes another big gulp of coffee, burning as it makes its way down into his stomach.

“Bye, I’ll call you later,” he tells her.

“Please do,” she says then Eddie is left in silence.

Eddie takes a big inhale and exhale and then the doorbell rings, he runs his hand over his face and closes his eyes pulling at any strength he can muster.

He gets the door and lets Carla in, without the usual pleasantries that would give to anyone who wasn’t as familiar as she was.

Carla while walking with Eddie gets to the kitchen, she makes an enquiring noise as she gets into the room, and getting the ingredients for the meal prep ready.

“I’m running late, Chris didn’t want to wake up- he’s actually still asleep. And I needed to do something for Buck,” he tells her simply, leaning against the counter. “Can you get him something to eat and get his bag ready?” He asks, in return he gets an easy nod. Eddie can see she’s busying herself with the full laundry basket of clean clothes, folding into three neat piles, his, him’s and Chris. With time working on a conspiracy against him, Eddie speed walks into Chris’ room for the second time today but this time around he cannot give in to the little boy who isn’t a morning person at all. He sits down beside his son and rubs his back trying to get him to wake without forcefully jerking him out of the realm of sleep.

But that doesn’t work, so he gets close to Chris’ ear and whispers, “c’mon buddy, you have to get up, you have school.”

Eddie continues rubbing his back, in small circles. Finally, after minutes that seem to drag on, Chris makes a grumbling noise that comes from all the energy that sleep can assemble. “Daddy…?,” Chris croaks out, his voice sounding nasally and scratchy.

“Hm…” he grunts, worrying what the next words will be, he hasn’t got to the point where he has planned for when Chris gets sick after Buck’s amputation.

“My throat hurts, and I feel really hot. And… and my tongue feels weird. I think I’m sick,” the young boy tells his dad, missing some sounds as they get caught in his raw throat.

Eddie plasters a big, bright smile on his face, so much he can feel the sides of it cracking from the pressure. He presses the back of his hand against his son’s forehead, hotter than it was earlier, easily reaching the range that belongs to fevers. “Yeah, you are. I’m gonna to get some medicine, so you feel a bit better, but no school for you today.” Eddie says with his face still stuck with the false smile. As soon as he is out of the room, it flips to a grimace.

He goes back to the kitchen, swiftly. Carla raises her eyebrow at him, looking up from her chopping.

When he doesn’t calm down, Carla decides to ask a question as she becomes aware that his fidgeting isn’t just from not wanting to be late. “What’s wrong?”

A deep, drained sigh erupts from him as he drags a hand across his face. “I’m getting… Chris is sick. I need to give him Tylenol,” he tells her absentmindedly, moving from cupboard to cupboard in search of the box that hosts Chris’ medications.

Effortlessly, Carla pulls the box from a cupboard, offering it to him with an unsettled smile. “I’ve got another job, until when I would pick him up from school but don’t stress too much you’ve got people,” she says softly but laced with authority.

“Peppa’s out of town and Abuela’s got a doctor’s appointment about her hip. Maddie was supposed to stay with Buck today. That… she would have been okay with looking after Chris but she has to go into work today,” Eddie shakes his head slowly.

Carla gets sidetracked by the mention of what Buck’s day is meant to entail and who it would include, “Did you ask Buck about Maddie staying with him?,” she asks, while in eye contact with Eddie.

“No, I…” _need him to be safe. Need to know when I come home he’s still alive._ Eddie hears the words before he says them and he stops because all he can think about is how selfish he sounds, and changes his speech on it’s travel from his brain to his mouth. “He’s still recovering,” he tells her trying to be strong but he still falters on some of his words.

“Eddie…” she tries to warn, but the man’s face falls even further so she alters her tactics. “I’m only going to be gone eight hours and I’ll… we’ll make it real easy for him, ok. Pull out the sofa bed, and on the coffee table it will have all the meds, he will need. I’ll make sandwiches for them to eat at lunch and put them on the table, too. All he needs is some help, but he’s ready for this” she reassures, pacing her hand on top of his for a second. “If you’re not sure, ask him,” all Eddie can do is his dumbly and turn his head towards the bedroom.

Before Eddie can step out of the kitchen, the commonplace sounds of the rubber bottom of crutches hitting the floor can be heard as Buck makes his way out of the bedroom and halfway into the living room.

Some more time passes, filled with the repetitive sounds of creaking metal. Eventually, Buck gets into the room; eyes still partly lidded in sleepy wakefulness and hair still sticking up despite the visible efforts to tame it. Eddie inspects Buck’s face, giving special attention to his pupils, a few seconds later an easy sigh comes from him and his tense features loose a little.

After letting Eddie’s eye roam over him, Buck opens his mouth, “I was just coming to get a coffee. But Chris is sick?,” the words fall out of him, worry pushing them out fast.

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure, it’s only a viral infection,” Eddie says, looking at his phone for the time again. “Can you look after him? I know it's a lot, but we are going to make it as… The only time you'll need to move is to go to the toilet. Carla is making… “

Eddie is cut off by Buck, “Yeah, I heard. If you guys do that, I’ll… we’ll be fine”

“Are you sure?,” Eddie asks again, his tone misses the mark again, “‘cause if you’re not that’s ok.”

“I am. Don’t…” _you trust me?_ “If it gets too much, I’ll get… I’ll call Peppa and she’ll send someone to help,” Buck smiles too choreographed to be real.

“Thank you,” Eddie tells him, his voice softer than a feather.

“You don’t need to thank me, I signed up for this, beside me and Chris… it’s not hard work even when he’s sick.” Buck’s tone just as soft, if not softer.

“I know, I wanted to,” Eddie smiles, this time it is real, getting closer to Buck, the smile is reflected back, their faces only inches away from each other. Carla watches them out of the corner of her eyes but their daze is interrupted by a coughing sound coming from Chris’ room.

Eddie pulls back shaking his head but still smiling, Carla takes control of the situation. “You two go do the sofa bed and I’ll give Chris the Tylenol,” doing as they told, the couple walk to the living room.

While Eddie pulls at the frame from its home in the recess of the sofa, Buck is pulling out the covers from the ottoman off to the side of the room, His movements are slow and awkward, but they are happening. After a few minutes of fiddling with the grey metal, making sure it is settled in safely, Eddie looks over his shoulder at Buck, who is holding himself up with only one crutch. He quickly swallows and sweat coats his hands, his words come out harsh, “You just sit down, let me do it.”

“I can do it,” Buck bites, acid and begging intermixed.

“You don’t need to. Just sit,” Eddie dismisses with a half effort smile. Buck rolls his eyes at the wall and slowly stumbles over to the armchair in the corner of the room, letting the whirlpool of his thoughts swallow him, flicking from one to the next, then circling back round;

_His body and the way Eddie looks at him,_

_Wanting to be able to do things for self again,_

_Not wanting everything to be ten times harder than it is for anyone else,_

_His body again._

Eddie has the covers bundled in his arms, and throws them down on the makeshift bed. One of the blankets he tucks under the corners of the mattress and leaves the other one on top for the two that would be inhabiting the bed to get under. After his job is done, Eddie makes a motion to Buck. But the man is lost in thought, so Eddie makes a small sound from his mouth. Like a wild animal, Buck snaps his head to the source of the sound and it takes a second before his eyes get smaller with recognition.

Buck starts to get up, his hands starting to achieve a firm grip on his crutches, but just as they are about to settle, Eddie intercepts. Eddie wraps his arms high on Buck’s torso and guides Buck’s body to the bed. Sat in between Eddie’s arms, but placed far away from any of his flesh, they are tense. Buck is stuck between two emotions, the burning in his stomach and the quickening laxing of his muscles.

There is a moment, looking at each other and Buck resting the tip of his tongue on his lips, is disrupted by the tired noises of Christopher’s crutches; they pull away from each other and the two men paint on a children’s entertainer smile. At the sight of them, Chris starts to speed up slightly- Eddie meets the boy half way. Chris walks straight into his father’s legs, as the little body hits his legs Eddie bends down to pick Chris up and his smile becomes infused with genuine energy. Safely in his father’s hold, Chris burrows into Eddie’s neck, the man can feel that his child’s temperature has gone down somewhat. With Carla holding Chris’ crutches trailing behind him, Eddie and Chris get to the bed situated opposite Buck. Carla floats around the room putting down Chris crutches close to bed and moving Buck’s to the same place before travelling back to the kitchen. Gently, supporting his head and bottom like he was carrying a baby, Eddie sets his son down. Chris gives him one last as tight as he can manage squeeze before crawling into Buck’s side, finding a place with his head on Buck’s chest and Buck’s arm over him.

Eddie and Buck’s smiles are now completely authentic, while watching Chris their eyes melt as he finally settles.

“Buck, I’m sick” he tells him, blinking slowly with sleep clouding him.

“I heard, so you’re going to stay with me,” Buck says, brushing the strands of hair out of Chris’ face, he nods slightly at the words.

“Bucky…” Chris whines croakily, pushing his head further into Buck’s chest.

Buck quickly looks down, his eyes mellowing even more, before looking up at Eddie. “We need the get better blanket, it’s in the…”

“I know where it is. ‘Can’t believe I forgot it,” Eddie shakes his head, giving them one last look before journeying further into the house.

Carla comes out of the kitchen, offering an easy but demanding smile while arranging some food covered in clingfilm, a giant bottle of water and a horde of medicines belonging to both Buck and Chris. “Ok, you have everything you need, food and water. Chris has just had some Tylenol, so he can have some more in four hours but if you’re worried or he gets hot again, he can have Advil. I’m just going to do the chores around the house before I leave,” she tells him, mothering and authoritative, then she goes back to the kitchen, producing the sounds of filing the dishwasher. Buck rests his head on top of Chris’ breathing in his clean child smell, he strokes the length of Chris’ arm hearing a soft sigh of contentment, followed by the weight of his head as he fades in and out of sleep.

Eddie bounds into the room like a ball in a china shop, and hands Buck the blanket allowing him to drape the cover over the young boy. He checks his phone and sighs, then presses a kiss on Chris’ forehead, cradling his head afterwards. A beat of time plays, and then Eddie does the same to Buck, albeit quicker with less lingering but with no less care. Then he turns on his feet and then leaves walking out the door.

Buck is frozen at the interaction, running it again and again in his mind. An easy watery deep breath comes from him as he unfreezes; he has to bite his tongue and look up at the ceiling to stop the tears of relief trying to crawl down his face. As fast he can manage Buck puts himself back together, so as not to alarm the young child clinging on to him.

Carla enters the room and is greeted by the two of them asleep with Chris half on top of Buck, with the man’s arms pressing into his shoulders. In her hands is breakfast for the two of them, she places them down on the table, before lightly shaking both of them. “Hey boys, I’ve got you something to eat,” she whispers as Buck pulls himself to sit up. “There’s some cut up fruit and oatmeal.”

“I’ll have some fruit,” Buck tells her, tenderly rolling Chris off of him and upright.

“And some oatmeal. You’re too skinny,” she scolds, leaving no room for arguing. So Buck nods, grinning cheekily, doing as he’s told.

“Not hungry,” Chris states to both of them, his voice is marred by croaking and skin paler than normal.

“You don’t have to eat but you still need to drink water. It will make you less sick,” she says, pouring water from the bottle into the cup, holding it out in front of him but he doesn’t grab it, just shaking his head instead. 

“It hurts…” he tries to whine but Buck cuts him off.

“How about a popsicle, it will be nice and cold on your throat,” Buck suggests, “There are watermelon ones in the freezer.” Christopher eagerly nods, and Carla goes back into the kitchen. From where she is, she can hear the sounds of the children’s channel, as Buck turns it on. 

Walking back into the living room with Christopher’s treat in hand, she watches the two of them Buck eating quickly before going back to watch Christopher with a dopey look on his face. Blinking out of the haze, she hands Chris the popsicle, hearing the next show’s theme tune play, letting her know that she has to leave soon. “Buck is there anything else you need, ‘cause I got to go in a few minutes?,” she asks, he shakes his head as a reply, while brushing hair out of Christopher’s face before letting the child lean back into him. “Ok, then, I’m going to go,” she says, smiling; walking to the door, then she stops and makes direct eye contact with the man, while Chris is engrossed with the TV, she informs Buck, “I know, I’m not the person you need to hear this from. But I don’t have any doubts that you can do this.”

* * *

** Friend, have the courage **

** To care little for wealth, and shape yourself,  **

** You too, to merit Godhood **

_** \- Virgil ** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn’t able to run this chapter through grammarly, so I apologise about any glaring mistakes.
> 
> Kudos and comments are always appreciated.


	8. Although so young, he is rational

**If the moon smiled, she would resemble you.**

**You leave the same impression of something beautiful, but annihilating**

_ **\- Sylvia Plath** _

* * *

It only takes a little under an hour of letting the television for Chris to fall asleep, again, his little body spending most of its energy to repair itself. Buck was barely paying attention to the children’s program, rather it was completely on Chris. Absorbed by the child, he was reminded of how destroyed he would be if something ever happened to Chris.

Chris’ eyes are gently covered by the light placing of his eyelids. In the calming pool of sleep, the young boy presses back into Buck’s chest, making a permanent home there. The regular, steadfast and lively heartbeat that Buck has, forming a sedative-like lullaby. After a few seconds of waiting, Buck is assured that Chris is sleeping; losing himself in small even breaths to confirm. Gently, Buck puts his phone down, the one dead in his hands, trying not to jostle Chris as it was hard to do anything on it with a child in between his arms, with his phone by the side of him, his next move is to take off Chris’ glasses and place them on the nearby coffee table.

Buck takes in the situation, assessing every possibility, then he decides that he can allow himself to catch up on some sleep through a light doze, that is little more than resting his eyes. With one hand he sets a timer for fifteen minutes and puts the volume on the lowest possible setting.

With Buck in between the land of wakefulness and sleep, light pours in the window giving a light glow to the room. In the glow with their features illuminated and even through the pallor of sickness, Eddie’s little family looks more than human. As ambient sounds of the TV take up space in the room, and the happy, inoffensiveness of the kid’s program, it helps to keep the poison of memory away from Buck’s brain. Time trickles into and onto itself, grains of sand counting each fraction.

The new thing Buck becomes aware of is the sound, emitting from his phone. It doesn’t startle him, instead, tapping him out of half-consciousness. His muscles, no longer held hostage by extreme pain or the need for sleep but just the normal unease he’s had since the surgery, so he doesn’t have to fight against his own body to sit up, only wincing to acknowledge the pain coming from the irritation of bruises on his back. The act is quickly stopped unintentionally by Chris instead, who makes a sleepy noise of dissatisfaction and Buck laughs lightly at that; none of the watchful eyes observing his every movement and expression makes it easier to feel openly. During his fit of laughter, Buck’s hand moves to Chris’ hair stroking it tenderly. Care bursting out of him but with Chris asleep, the action is more for him than the child. Ever since coming home from the hospital after _the incident_ , he had been on high alert, every nerve in his body was ready to go but acts like these seemed to soothe them.

As his fingers sweep through the hair, he comes into contact with Chris’ forehead-- the heat from it dancing across his fingertips, Buck knows he needs to wake him so he can have more medicine. As he notices the time, he decides to take his meds first; pouring a glass of water and gulping it down with a series of tablets in his mouth. Gently, by roaming his fingers in Chris' hair with more pressure than before, but all he receives is another noise and Chris turning his head from its side into Buck’s chest completely. Buck lightens the pressure, feeling guilty for distressing the boy and racks his head to find a less invasive way to wake him, he spends a minute to think about it and decides to carry on as Chris needs meds and water more than he needs sleep, at this moment in time.

Grasping one shoulder and slightly shaking, Buck begins to whisper, “Chris, buddy, you need to wake up, now.”

Chris wakes, blinking rapidly tears forming in his eyes. “Don’t want to. It hurts and I’m really tired,” every word that is forced from Chris is slow, painful and pulls at Buck’s heartstrings, even though he’s had enough of pain, hurt and sadness he would easily take every inch of it for Chris to feel better.

“I know bud, believe I know,” he tells the child, _his child_ while pushing him off of him into a sitting position. “But you’ve got a fever again, all you need to do is take some medicine and water, then you can go back to sleep, okay.”

Chris nods slowly, his fixed gaze sprinkled with wide-eyed easily given understanding, battling away any resistance reserved for most people. Sweaty and pale with more conscious control, Chris takes his weight off Buck’s hands and sits up without help, waiting on Buck. Chris watches Buck’s every movement, he reaches over to the table and unscrews the lid, his jaw tensing as he fights with the child safety of it. Cautiously, almost too much, trying to avoid any simple mistake that his body can make, he pours the liquid on to the spoon. Placed at his lips, Chris quickly swallows the liquid, with eyes taking longer to open with each blink.

Quicker than the movement of the second hand of a clock, Chris flops down on the bed; Buck looks at the child with amusement dancing in his eyes. For a minute, Buck regards him and reflects, then he feels a vibration to the side of him. Following an impulse, Buck picks up the phone but then he sees that it is a text message from Maddie, so he doesn’t even read the preview instead he clenches his jaw, the bone popping out of his and shakes his head, his longish hair following the direct and clears the notification off his screen. Rather than engaging with Maddie, he pulls up a mind-numbing game, trying to find something to fill his time without anything that won’t trick his mind into providing a simulation of his most fearsome memory. Under the cover, the skin of his leg and residual limb brush against the texture of the blanket under him Buck shudders, his emotions about it trying to flood his mind.

He spends a few lazy minutes playing on his phone but he starts to notice that Chris’ breathing hasn’t evened out to signal that he was asleep. Attempting to appear nonchalant, Buck looks back at Chris, only to be met with little eyes watching him carefully.

Using any lightness he can muster, Buck reaches over and brushes Chris’ hair out of his face. “Can’t get back to sleep, huh?” Buck asks, guilt dripping off every word. He tries to think of anything he can do to get the boy back to sleep, but nothing helps. The boy remains awake with heavy-lidded eyes and sickly exhaustion written on his brow. The white tinge to Chris’ skin only serves to remind him that the boy is under his care and trusts him enough to take care of him without any hesitation and Buck’s heart flutters. Chris’ gaze towards him is always infused with the awe that Chris has reserved for his father and now Buck.

“No. I. It’s really sore. Every time I close my eyes, it wakes me up,” Chris whines out from sadness and exhaustion, the words coming out hoarse and pain trickling out with every word as he pushes himself to sit up on his knees to face Buck head-on.

Buck turns his whole upper body, so he is facing Chris and with a strong and gentle hand, wipes the tears off of his cheeks. He carries on to wipe at his brow, pushing his hair back, trying to get his body down so he does not make his sickness worse. Inaudibly, he takes a big deep; pushing back against the pricking sensation trying to reside in his eyes and heart. All his feelings, since what happened happened had intensified, everything he felt good and bad was more forceful.

As he tries to calm down Chris, he realises that Chris hasn’t had any more fluids. “How about we do something and then you can go back to sleep later?” Buck asks, trying to remain upbeat and playful to keep the child calm and settled, not spending energy swinging from emotion to emotion. While waiting for a response as the child bites his lip and looks overly contemplative for a child, Buck pours a glass of water with a straw in and places it on the table in front of them without saying anything.

“Ok, can we do one of Abeula’s puzzles?” he enquires, his eyes still glistening with unshed tears. Chris looks at Buck expectantly with wide eyes and pursed lips, contrasting with the pallor of his skin.

“Yeah, we can but…,” Buck gestures down to himself and makes a thin line of a grin, “you’ll have to get on the floor yourself. I can’t help you down when I’m using my crutches,” he tells him hesitantly, the loss of his abilities worming its venomous way into his mind.”

“I can do that… but you have to sit with me too and be happy for a little bit,” he tells Buck leaving no room for disagreement, but it wasn’t as though Buck had ever said no to him. After finishing his sentence, he slowly, illness crawling into his muscles, gathers up his crutches and drags himself over to the empty side of the coffee table and kneels in front of it. 

Buck follows his lead, first throwing a pillow over the bed and table, then he wraps his grasp around the armrest of his crutches and starts to do the arduous ritual that is his new way of walking. Taking longer even than Chris. Buck finally gets to the table, before he sits down he shuffles the pillow directly beside Chris. During the time, with Buck getting to the table Chris starts to take little sips at the water standing facing him, none of the pressure of being told what to do, highlighting how bad his throat feels and how much he needs to drink. Carefully in a way that reeks of fear, he crouches down still with his hands on the crutches, until he is forced to let go of them to sit down. Unable to kneel, Buck sits with his bottom on the pillow and sets his crutches to the side of him, mirroring Chris’ own.

With him parked on the pillow, Buck pulls out the puzzle mat off the shelf on the table. Following the usual routine, Chris rests his head on Buck’s shoulder like they always do when they do puzzles together with Chris pointing to where the pieces need to go and Buck following his instructions but this time Buck is the only one supporting Chris’ head, the battle in his body leaving no energy to do much else. With the cloud of illness in his mind, it takes longer for the boy to do his part of the activity than it usually would. The two of them remained a low and comfortable atmosphere by filing tune with the low-level enterprise.

Sometime later, Buck’s phone buzzes, disrupting the two of them. He puts down a piece by Chris, picking up his phone and seeing a notification that lets him know that he has received another text from Maddie.

_Eddie told me that youre watching Chris, that must be hard, Ill see if anyone can take my place and ill come to you._

All Buck does is roll his eyes and goes back to giving Chris all of his attention. Chris pulls his head up, slowly with every second of the movement a hard choice, off of Buck’s shoulder and looks at him for a second. As he is being watched, Buck can see the cogs of Chris’ brain working hard, even through the fog of illness. Chris with his little years evident as he stares at Buck, biting his lip and tries to swallow but it is visibly hard for him as the process is cut short. Buck watches him, observing his features for any expression of what he might need, and hopes that he is not going to be sick; the training that he got as a first responder allowed him to tolerate many things but vomit wasn’t one of them. But as a few seconds pass, he realises that the bitten lip was hidden words that Chris wanted to give a voice too.

Buck gently with the light highlighting every detail of his hand, places it on the side of his face, soft and encouraging, pushing all of his positive energy into the boy. “It’s okay, you say what you want to. I won’t be mad. I won’t ever be mad about what you have to say,” Buck tells him, very empathetic, full of care and low that it is more of a whisper than just speaking.

“You should tell them when they do something you don’t like,” Chris says back as strong as the knife in his throat will allow him to be.

Buck saliva grows thick in his mouth, making him unable to swallow. “It’s not that simple, Chris. They’re only trying to help,” he adds, trying to defend the actions that come from a place of caring, but really do anything but that.

Chris looks at him and blinks, starting to talk, plainly- speaking of how he sees the people in his world interact. “Maddie and Dad treat you like a really little kid but you’re Buck, the same Buck who helps me and looks after me. They don’t let you try and do things by yourself if they did that to me I would get annoyed,” Chris tells him, firm in his belief but getting more tired with each passing word. “I hit people with a crutch when they do that to me and pretend it’s an accident,” he states with abject confidence in his actions shining through his sick disposition; pale skin, sweaty and half-lidded eyes. His normal happiness poking through the added glaze of illness. Chris as quickly as he can manage moves, falling back to his old position on Buck sitting next to each other with the comfort of not holding his, nearly full of wool head, resting it on the wide expanse of Buck’s shoulder.

“I didn’t hear that,” Buck says, wrapping his arm, around the child's slight shoulder while trying to hide a huff of a giggle. He stares down at Chris smiling, some brightness shining through the dullness that had built up walls in his eyes. The two of them resume their act of entertaining themselves, each piece picked up as told by Chris and placed by Buck following his instructions. It carried on for another round of minutes until the time between each piece had slowed to almost a stop. Buck drags his fingers across Chris’ chin, rousing him out of the half-sleep he had fallen into, “ c’mon, back to bed. You’re worn out enough to sleep now.” It takes a second of rapid blinking before Chris gets up and shuffles over to the sofa bed, falling on it dramatically with a sigh. Buck follows the example but with less of a flair to it, the rubber of his crutches making muted whacks against the floor with each step sucking at his reserves of energy, at the bed he sits down making sure each movement is measured and safe, before letting his muscles soften into the thin mattress. With his legs, leg on the bed, Buck reaches over and pulls Chris onto the makeshift bed properly, so his legs are no longer dangling off the side, All at once the exhaustion building up in his body seems to Chris, Buck can see the sea of sleep start to engulf him as his head rests on the pillow next to him. The illness is written all over his face but alongside them is the well worn and wide-eyed decoration that is kept for his father and his Buck and as well as his mother when she was alive.

As he is getting Chris comfortable, Buck hears the asking for reassurance, “Us against the world, right?”

And Buck gives the reply Chris is waiting for, these words part of the tradition he had started, trying to gather up his lacking confidence that had started since he had lost. “Yeah, you, me and dad. Us against the world.”

A little while later, after moments filled with efforted breathing, Chris’ mouselike, croaky, not wanting to be used, voice fills the space in the room that had been given to him, “Buck…. You’re different now. Like I’m different and sometimes people don’t know how to treat us like everyone else.” Those words run through Buck’s mind and he can help but be astonished at how wise Chris has come across, then Buck realises that with matters like this his young child had years of experience on him. Shaking out of his thoughts, he throws his stare over to Chris, words waiting on his lips but he is met with closed eyes and because of his sore throat an open mouth, an open mouth that was making what only a parent could hear as delicate snoring. The words that were waiting on his lips form in his mind: Did I ever do that to you?

Buck pushes his back against the cushions of the couch, looking for a new way to keep his brain from going into overtime. He tries to engage with his phone but he is quickly made bored, so he changes his attention to the TV screen as the child’s program that Chris likes changes to one from his childhood, this being something that won’t help his brain add to the heavy, unstoppable stream of thoughts happening. The familiar sounds and colours of the show bathing the room in sound and light. Buck absentmindedly starts to play with his fingers, pulling at them in a ritual moving to the next one after reaching an unknown goal.

The theme tune plays out, Buck knows he has to give both Maddie and Eddie an update of not only Chris but him as well. And somehow, they would expect the information to be a full play by play of every unchaperoned minute. With his phone in hand, he anxiously avoids he emails as the only thing to be expected from them is journalists trying to get his story and spends a few seconds composing a message to send to his minders, as his thumbs run over the keyboard he tries to strike a balance between, we’re, I’m okay and I’m an adult.

Another episode of his show plays, he receives a text back from Eddie that is short but affirmative, which Buck knows that he is on the truck on the way to a call out. That little fact makes Buck’s palms grow sweaty and his heartbeat echo loud in his ears. He forces himself to watch the show, The volume of the show is so low that the only reason it can be heard is that Chris is asleep, trying to build a dam against the rushing flow of thoughts attempting to drown any rational part of him. Next to him, Chris is in stark contrast, sleeping soundly and Buck wiggles out of every thought, trying to fill his head with everything Chris needs and he finds that he has everything he needs. So Buck decides to take care of himself, reaching for the bottle and he fills a glass of water, gulping it down and refilling the glass. Hydrated, the food in front of him looks tantalising.

Slowly, with his hand making a journey through the air to the plate. With his hand holding the plate, Buck takes off the covering: making a loud crunching noise as each point of contact disappears. Then he picks up the sandwich, the texture of the bread brushing against his fingers, running signals to his under his skin to his brain, making his little hunger more known. As his fingers form a grasp around the sandwich, the filling drips out of the sides. Buck takes a few tentative bites before the food becomes more appetising and with that, he takes an adult amount of food with each bite wolfing it down, like he used to do with food. While he carried on with eating, he also applied the visual and auditory part of his brain to process the information coming screen, the lack of pressure in this ceremony was almost calming, as close as he could get to that state of effortless bliss.

Interrupting his eating and watching of tv, his phone starts to ring; the piercing noise cutting into his ears. Hesitantly, he picks up the phone and Maddie’s name comes into view. Suddenly, every single morsel in his mouth turns into sand. An overbearing presence informing him that this is a thing he can do, an action he can stop, right now and not have Maddie and Eddie in his ear.

Without the ability to refuse, Buck answers his phone but the silence is deafening as he does not speak first. “Buck?” Maddie asks, flightiness residing in her voice, concern acted with every sound. It grates at Buck that he has become so used to it, that the sound is his own personal nails on a chalkboard. He absorbs the noise, letting into his skin, reminding him of every event that had led to that sound.

“Yes, Maddie,” he answers while trying to keep the curtness out of his voice, instead it comes across as overly saccharine to the point of close to inaudibility, “aren’t you at work?”

Buck can hear the deep breath of relief, she takes and he rolls at the phone. “Don’t worry about it. It’s my break. I was just calling to say someone is coming to finish my shift, in about four hours and then I’ll be with you,” she tells him, sounding pleased with herself.

“Maddie that doesn’t make any sense for you to come here, traffic will add at least an hour to your journey. Just finish your shift,” he counters back, trying to match her tone through gritted teeth.

“But Buck, looking after Chris has got to be a lot for you. I… me and Eddie just want to make sure you’re not doing too much,” she tells him again and he can help but feel years younger than Chris.

The burn in his throat starts to lick his cells. Heat informs every word that is leaving his mouth. “Maddie, I don’t need a…” Buck heats the word before it leaves his mouth and forces it to stop pouring out of his mouth, “we’re ok. All he has been doing is sleeping, really. Carla will be here soon, anyway. We’re doing good. I’m ok, really.”

“If you’re sure, I’ll stay but when I text you reply, please. ‘Cause, you didn’t the first time and I was really worried,” she regales, giving into Buck somewhat.

“Yeah, I’ll do that.” Buck bites out both quick and slow, trying to end the conversation without arguing.

He quickly flicks his attention, attempting to ignore the exothermic reaction happening in his bones, heating his organs and blood. The feeling threatens to drown him, holding him until his lungs are at capacity with the emotion, leaving no room for oxygen. No matter how hard he tries he falls into the spiral of going over every single little action that makes him feel like this, small, smaller- unable to do anything but exists, the singular action of being, the only verb he truly does anymore.

The hot burn sits comfortably in his bones spectating at the effect that is happening in Buck’s mind. A snort that is louder than his thoughts, shows him the direction to get him out of the untamed part of his mind, a quick rush of warm water drowns the heat. The more he watches the child’s sleeping face, all memories associated with the sad agitation are replaced with memories of not just before but also those moments of the long and hard held restricting feeling was broken.

Just watching Chris’ face settle in the tranquillity of sleep, still there even through the marring of the pale glow of illness, Buck notes every well-remembered features, the curly hair, the eyes that shine brighter than the sun. Buck reaches out, making his touch so light that it is ghosting, he strokes Chris hairline where it meets his ears. As he is doing this act of parental serenity, Buck feels sorry. Not for himself, like he thought he would, but for his parents who had obviously not experienced this with him or Maddie. He couldn’t understand how his parents never felt this, it never crossed his mind that Chris wasn’t from him or he hadn’t been around since he was a baby. Buck couldn’t imagine going a day without talking to Chris, but he hadn’t seen his parents since he was twenty-three, they gave money in place of being involved in his life. Buck ghosts his hand through Chris’ hair, landing on his forehead- checking his temperature as one last act, for now.

He moves his eyes to the tv screen, using his free time to watch an episode of his show. In the passing of time, Buck makes the appropriate reactions to the show but there is a kind of lifelessness to it. In the middle of the show, the screen fades to black and the advertising starts to play, Buck drowns that out, his thoughts clouding an undistracted mind. He remembers that Eddie is on a call out and the tears start to form in his eyes, weighing them down. What was Eddie, his fiancé, the person he loves, doing: in a burning house that would cook his skin, at a car crash where anyone could mow him down or at a health emergency where he could be exposed to any number of things.

Even now with his feelings always battling for dominance in his body, Buck doesn’t know how to cope in a world without Eddie. The thoughts lead to one another, what would happen to Chris. Like he had told- it was them: Chris, Eddie and Buck against the world, always.

* * *

**Where love is great, the littlest doubts are fear;**

**Where little fears grow great, great love grows there.**

**_\- William Shakespeare_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry about this being a week late but you see what happened was, I wrote a flashback consisting of two chapters that were about Shannon's funeral and Buck 'meeting' Eddie parents but it didn't fit at the current place of the story but you will be seeing it. 
> 
> Also let's ignore, that I posted it with placeholder as the title chapter 
> 
> Kudos and comments are always appreciated.


	9. and mind and attend

**What I love about love is its diagnosis**

**What I hate about love is its prognosis**

_ **\- Jen Hadfield** _

* * *

The cold weight of the plate in his lap, combating his essential body heat. In between the empty space that isn’t occupied by furniture, the unrestrained air floats slowly as it is pushed through Buck’s funnel of worry. All his thoughts are vaulting to one another, not staying long in his mind for him to ponder on them but they were able to make their way to his heart, the shakiness of wondering of how Eddie is, building up in him. Buck can hear his heartbeat thumping loud in his ears and feel his nerves reacting to his feeling by directing his body to shake as they tighten and tighten.

Next to him, Chris moves in his sleep, hitting Buck’s stomach in the process. Bringing Buck out of himself with a jerk, that draws his eyes to Chris’ sleeping form and is met by the reassurance of his breathing, subtle but strong and Buck is convinced that everything in his bubble, his sanctuary, safety- his home that he can control is okay. The more cognisant he becomes, the more his body restarts delivering signals to his brain. A shiver works through him as he finally becomes aware of the goosebumps on his thighs and the bruises on his back burn under the pressure of leaning against the cushions of the couch. The involuntary movement brings his attention to the moulded ceramic that bears on its surface objects that resemble food. At its mere sight, it turns Buck’s stomach into waves working a riptide in the organ. Maddie's words and his thoughts about it flood his mind, as he looks at the food, it somehow becomes more unappetising the more he thinks about it and the lack of trust in him to do the task of looking after Christopher. With stiff muscles and tightened nerves like strings on an instrument, he slowly moves the plate from lap to the table, almost slamming it down but he stops himself as Chris is more important than what is trying to encompass him at the moment.

Buck gently places himself against the couch cushions again, but as he tries to watch the TV he keeps being drawn to the plate in his eye line. So pulling at the sore muscles in his back with them screaming at him, Buck stretches over to take it out of his view, so that the riptide of nausea in his stomach can stop. With the offence out of his sight, Buck can actually rest against the pillow. A little time passes as Buck half engages with the show playing and trying to avoid thinking about what Eddie is doing, Chris rolls his onto Buck’s thigh while still asleep, the young child makes soft whimpering sounds; Buck is quick to react, winding his fingers into Chris’ hair, cradling his head and easily calming the distress that he is experiencing.

Chris returns to deep sleep and Buck cradles, nurturing Chris’ head as his eyes wander back to the screen. Buck is grateful that he has something to fill the time that doesn’t allow the poison of memories to fill him to the brim. In his mind, there is a continuation of the stream of thinking that isn’t quite linear, Maddie and Eddie, the most involved, important, imposing people in his life right now and everything associated with them. And then like he always does, he ends up back at his leg. That starts the feral anger, they had stolen from him and he was meant to be happy, the feeling of it starts in his stomach as a hot pit but his neck feels the cold wetness of guilt- his family had done their best and would be devastated if he died. Completely used to the battle in his body, Buck withdraws from feeling and forces his consciousness to focus on the program he had watched a million times before. 

But Buck can’t make himself not feel forever; the temperature of emotions trying to meet.

A light pool forms in the pit of his stomach and drowns every fibre of his body, that is something that is both hot and cold: anger, hostility, irritation and want, desire, love and care. When it comes to his feelings, ever since the event, he operates at a level that is only just above instinctual acknowledgement of each passing phase of perception of his feelings as it fades in and out of his body, with the altering chemicals they provide. 

* * *

Every step that he took from his door was a laborious judgement. A voice in his head was worrying if this was too much, too soon for Buck, he didn’t want Buck to feel under any more pressure then he needed to. Buck is a people pleaser at heart but when it comes to their family that innateness increased tenfold, after the prosthesis, Eddie was sure that he needed to be more careful with his fiancé. Every time his soles hit the floor he was reminded of the fact that if he told Bobby what was going on he would be allowed to stay home with his family, that he needs him and that he needs to look after but his brain tries to battle his army and paternal trained ingrained compulsion to protect with the cold, hard rationale of the fact that the Diazes need money. The city insurance only goes so far, the to and fro from the hospital and that both Buck and Chris require more than others all play into the fact, that even with Buck’s parents’ money they were barely keeping their heads above the water. Buck only really knows about how the reduced money of disability way was affecting them, but not to the degree it really is. All Eddie wanted Buck to do was concentrate on getting better, so he didn’t need to know, not right now.

His body and mind felt unconnected, his whole body on autopilot going about its day at a speed that is trying not to be late to the house. Even with his journey, continuing on the normal way it usually does, the bright light of the sun streaming into the darkness of the car, the sounds of the radio filling the silence, his thoughts continue to run away with him. Sprinting from Buck, Chris, Buck and Chris, Shannon, Chris and Shannon, Buck, Chris and Shannon; and reminding him of every action and inaction, for them, because of them and to them. It bites, the remembrances of his life, the good and the bad with their own set of teeth indenting his flesh. Reminding him with each tooth, of what he needs and has to do, to make sure he does his job of keeping his family safe… everything and anything that could hurt them.

Under him, the car’s axle turns the wheels moving him and the metal he inhabits along. Eddie’s hands are gripping the steering wheel so tight that his knuckles are a blinding white. The further he continues into his journey, the more aware he becomes of his surroundings, no longer in a daze, the trees that are so familiar to him that line his route to work are so lacklustre even after being bathed in the rays of the sun. As he takes the usual right turn, Eddie has to clench his jaw as his eyes flick his eyes down to the clock for a second and realises that Carla has left now and it is just Buck and Chris. As he takes his last turn into the parking lot, unable to turn back, all he can hope is that this isn’t too much for Buck to deal with. The unsureness and the need for Buck to be okay just sits in his stomach, heavy and dragging every other part of him down too. A little chisel the size of a thimble, chips away at the anvil, as all Chris wants to do when he is ill is sleep, that little fact, helps him settle on Buck will be okay for eight hours, he might not be good but he’ll be okay. They’ll be okay, they’ll be okay is repeated in his mind but Eddie can only really half convince himself, so his brain takes action and buries all the bubbling in the back of his mind, so he forces himself to focus on his work. He needs something to use his time, and job and the many little tasks of maintaining the firehouse will help. Eddie knows that when he can’t do anything to help his family, it eats him alive, ripping at his flesh, bite by bite.

Eddie squeezes his car in between Chimney’s and Hen’s as he remembers Bobby mentioning letting a group use the parking lot for something. He quickly hops out of the car, his feet hitting the floor with a rough force upwards on his knees. Phone in one hand and overnight bag in the other, Eddie moves in a way that is between a jog and a full out sprint trying to reach the house before he is late. After a little rigorous movement, Eddie is finally on the floor of the station where he is met by the narrow eyes and a half-smile from Bobby.

“Sorry… about being late,” Eddie is able to manage out after a few deep and heavy breaths of heaving, trying to look apologetic by his shoulders slumping and looking away from him for a second.

Bobby squints his eyes even more and moves his head in one fluid movement to the clock, “you’ve got about three minutes until I’d consider you late,” he tells Eddie a little bit of sympathy and nonchalance both in his voice as he steps closer to Eddie. He changes his voice to whisper, as the other people were still filing in, “after everything, you’re allowed some leeway.”

“On time is late,” Eddie gives the only answer he can back, pushing back the strap of his bag back onto his shoulder as his voices tries to maintain an air of casualness, he almost gets it to stay but Bobby can see an untamed quality in his eyes, fleeting away from him as they get lost in thought. Bobby draws those actions in and his heart beats slightly quicker and the muscle in his jaw tense was this worry about Buck unease from a new event or just the residual anxiety that had bloomed since Buck had been trapped screaming under the twenty tons of metal that belonged to the fire truck.

Bobby pushes any babbling thoughts of anxiousness to the back of his mind, he can’t allow himself to think about Buck, it would quickly turn to his children and his wife, the guilt starts clawing at his insides. He has to concentrate on his shift, on being in charge.

The captain jerks his head to the door, “go on then, get ready,” he says. Bobby pats Eddie’s back and walks up to the balcony, where Hen and Chimney were destroying his kitchen. Now that everyone who meant to be on shift was in, he calls up to them, warning them about not burning the food, for the second time today.

In the locker room, Eddie does the usual choreography of turning his head away from the empty cubby. It still has Buck’s name and Eddie can’t look at it with his heart trying to tear into two.

It was only about five minutes later that Eddie emerged from the changing room. He trudges up the stairs, in unfluid movement, his body being instructed by the feeling that encompasses all his emotions in regard to Chris and Buck. The solid boots that encase his feet, bound against the wood of the stairs as he moves up to the other step; something about this day seems too long, getting to the last stair- he feels like he's aged an eternity. When he is finally on the floor, he receives the usual sympathetic and admiring glances that people give to him now, but especially his fellow firefighters. Eddie gives enough acknowledgement to let them know that he has seen them but not enough that would want them to start a conversation with him. Wading through furniture, Eddie eventually makes it to the counter where not only Bobby, Hen and Chimney but Karen and Athena are there too. He bends over the flat surface, propping himself up on his elbows and makes a loud, forceful exhale.

Disturbed by the loud sound, Athena looks up from her coffee and observes Eddie, searching him for anything that would show if anything was wrong with Buck or Chris. She has sensed in Bobby earlier, that he was trying to keep himself contained. Jolting her head towards him, before speaking to Eddie trying to get him to look up at her. Eddie lifts his head up reluctantly at her and she starts to talk, her voice finding it’s usual tone she takes with the youngest adults of the group, “is everything... Is Buck, okay?” That draws the attention from what food is being prepared to Eddie, like a spotlight shining down on him with everyone’s eyes and ears waiting for his next words. Chimney’s fingers itch as his hand moves to his phone in his pocket, waiting for more information. 

“Yeah… no,” Eddie speaks a non-answer, his voice drained and stuck elsewhere at home, every one of them gets more curious, waiting for Eddie weariness to be waded through. Running his tongue over his teeth, gradually pushing himself up with his elbows into a standing position. “Buck… is fine, I guess. But Chris is sick and no one but him was able to look after him. I’m worried that’s all.” 

“Buck will be fine. It will only be a couple of hours but I’m guessing Chris has a … ,“ Hen tries to reassure him while rubbing at the nape of her neck for just a moment.

“Sore throat,” Karen and Hen say together, matter of factly.

At their conjoined words, Eddie furrows his eyebrows and narrows his eyes. With the others adding to his rational mind, that was reassuring him that even if Buck wasn’t a hundred per cent, Chris isn’t the kind of child that would be difficult, for the sake of being difficult, he could feel the painful tensing of muscles ease slightly, but it remains tight and constricting as though his whole body was in a vice and the need to protect and take care if them belonging to either side of the metal.

Bobby cuts in and puts a soft pensive look on his face, “you could have stayed home. They’re more important than the job,” he tells Eddie, trying to give some reassurance.

“We need money,” Eddie states plainly while shrugging his shoulders, “we barely have any anything after rent.” his voice changes into pretend pathetic happiness.

“Eddie, if you need…” Bobby starts getting quieter to not draw attention.

“No. We, I will do this. I just need to work,” Eddie interrupts, catching his tongue in his teeth as all the lessons his father taught running through his mind.

Karen and Hen look towards each other but Hen makes a subtle movement of her head and goes back to her breakfast before Chimney tries to get Bobby to ruin the food by letting him help. Karen shakes her head a little, how come that as soon as these adults get into the station they become ten again, “It’s going around CCF, Denny’s got it with twenty other kids from their commune.” she finishes with an expulsion of air with the last syllable of her sentence.

Karen watches Eddie as he takes a deep breath and finds, grounds himself, getting into the mindset of being on shift. “If he’s sick, why are you here?” he asks, opening and closing his fists, as his phone buzzes on the table from a text from Maddie checking in with him about their Buck.

Karen is watched by Hen for signs of her ability to cry as easily as a wave returns to shore but she just shakes her head just slightly and takes a somewhat jovial tone that is married with good-humoured compassion,” I had to meet someone for work at ten. So he’s with the babysitter besides she’s grateful for the money and I’m grateful to not have to look after him. I love him but that boy when he’s sick, is so easily agitated, it's so stressful. And if Hen or I are there we have to spend hours calming him down. With the sitter, he’ll be asleep when I get back.”

“I guess, I… we got lucky with Chris, all he does is get clingy and sleep. I’m kind of grateful for it, Chris was meant to go back to school today and just don’t think it’s the right time,” he tells her, shrugging his shoulders.

Athena speaks again, taking a tone of balance that only she can get away with using on Eddie, “Just be sure you're that it is good for him. Why isn’t the right time?”

“I asked for this much time before what happened to Buck, it was just about Shannon. I didn’t have to think about it, until now. And the whole of last week, he’s been wanting constant reassurance and he’s been really tearful, the week before he was only just starting to settle. Now, we’re a month back in the past.” Eddie tells her, swallowing down any emotion trying to make an appearance as he stretches using the table to push off from. 

Over the table, Chimney spots another notification from Maddie’s contact profile on his phone. First, he watches Eddie’s reaction, before he speaks, remembering the conversation he and Maddie had had about Buck before the two of them left this morning. “She felt really guilty this morning, maybe don’t tell about Chris and Buck, she’ll call him and you know how the two of them can get,” he tries to reason with Eddie while trying to keep him from feeling as though he is questioning his decisions about his family. Eddie defences were always up when people came into the vague realm of questioning his choices when it came to his family, none of them had really been aware of the interference that Buck used to run and without his fiancé, his other half, with all the added stress on top of him since _the incident_ he had been getting into arguments with his colleagues. Bobby had taken over that part of Buck’s role for him, but it is nowhere near the same effectiveness. For Chimney, he is pulled in two directions; his friend and his girlfriend, he wants the best for both of them and they were starting, or he was becoming aware that those didn’t necessarily go hand in hand.

Eddie considers his words for a moment, reflecting on everything: he wants to be at home, sat next to Buck and Chris while watching mind-numbing children’s TV, him and Maddie sat at Buck’s bedside watching his coma invested form and an unremarkable shift with Buck and all of them having fun with the callout they attended with the two of them working like a well-oiled machine and the way Buck’s eyes look like glazed over in all-consuming fear or his drug-induced placidity. All these compounded into a persuading argument to himself, coupled with the worry that had a home in him, wants him to decorate as well. “I get that and I wouldn’t want to make her feel worse. But we promised each other that if the other asks, we would give all the information we had. It’s the best way to keep… make sure… for us to help him get better,” Eddie eventually gets out after a few false starts, everyone listens to the words but they are unsure whether they are for Chimney or Eddie.

There is only one response that is appropriate for work and he is unsure if it is for the rest of the areas of their lives, they were doing what they thought was best but they were also watching him as they had in the hospital, he could count on one hand the time that Buck had been left alone for an extended period of time. “So he paints a thin but wide smile on his face and nods, “Ok, just… try not to make her feel..,” Chimney leaves the sentence open to interpretation, not having the right words to say. In reply, Eddie picks up his phone, fingers flying across the screen. The frequent dull tapping is hidden under tons of noise as the people from the other side of the floor get louder, and Chimney, Hen and Bobby went fully back to cooking. The paragraph Eddie constructs is a considerable amount shorter than most of the texts he sends to Maddie. It informs her that Buck has Chris and they are going to be alone for a number of hours and wishing her a good shift. He knows the two of them, would have a proper conversation later, probably a call but this would suffice for now.

Only a couple of minutes later, Bobby calls everyone to get some food. Sitting at the table, both distracted him from his thoughts of worry and concern but let him notice the breeze to the right of him, people, the other firefighters always left a seat open, next to him, not wanting to take a space that was already occupied. Bobby caught this action and set about pulling Eddie further into the banter. Everybody’s eyes at some point are drawn to the empty chair, the absence of Buck’s existence is still so striking that, everything they did to try and deal with it is the same as pulling the heart out of a healthy body.

It wasn’t long after eating that Karen and Athena left and the rest of them were lounging on the couches, quietly conversing with one another, the subject of Buck was both avoided and brought up, the issue of his outburst was carefully skirted around. Eddie’s jaw tensed when he thought back to every little thing that happened up to last night. Sat there talking about his fiancé, his significant other, his fingers curl around the edges of the armrests, his teeth pushing into each other, the muscle in his jaw popping out and his posture army stiff and rigid. The conversation turns to Maddie’s phone call last night, at which Eddie becomes ramrod straight like the pole across the room. Bobby catches the even more heightened presence and changes the subject instantaneously and he tells himself to get Eddie alone and talk to him alone. They only have five minutes of talking about something inane and banal before the alarm rings through the station and they all hop into action.

At emergency speed, the truck reaches the house fire in under three minutes. Eddie and Bobby, first out of the corner of his eyes, Eddie is given a remembrance of Buck and the two of them being a duo, go into the house trying to find any inhabitants still in the building. The two of them reach the living room, where two women are crouched on the floor, hiding from the flames coming from all four sides, they quickly heft them up into a fireman’s carry and get them out of the house. The very second one of their feet cross the threshold, Chimney and Hen call for another bus and get to work providing oxygen. Adrenaline surging through him still, Eddie forces himself to take deep breaths and Bobby tries to shake out the coursing beat running in his body. The two of them start to take off the gear of their faces but the older of the two women starts to come back to consciousness and crawl at her oxygen mask with a hysterical potency. 

Hen tries to calm her down, telling her she’ll be okay and placing the mask on her gently and coaxing. But she stops her by gripping her wrist and staring at Bobby and Eddie. Freezing them in place as the wait for her utterance, after a very few harsh coughs she eventually manages to huff out, “My son..”

Both of them look back to the house, eyes widening in realisation as the house grows hotter and hotter. Eddie looks back at her eyes, ablaze, “where is he?”

“Bedroom..” she gets out between coughing and crying, “upstairs… on… on the left.”

Bobby and Eddie with directions in their minds bound into the house, running as fast as their limbs can take them, pressure to find the boy building up in Eddie’s body. They step through the door and heat licks at their skin, pulling at their strength. Taking two steps at a time, they rush up the stairs. When they reach the landing, Eddie caves the door in, the fire has not reached this room yet. Busting it off the hinges, the frame was starting to peel under the temperature of the fire around the house. Bobby is standing to the side watching Eddie ‘s back as he observes the room. 

The sight that greets both of them is worrying, all they can see is a huddle of blankets in an empty room. Together, they both step into the room and look around, Eddie is looking in the closet, throwing out clothes. Bobby is kneeling down, eyeing under the bed, only to be met with a bareness. Unable to find him, the two of them look at each other sharing the wide-eyed with dilated pupils, look. Then a small whine comes from the mass of blankets on the floor. Only taking a second, they flurry into a response, whipping the blankets off. Their fingers and hands round each corner, throwing them behind their bodies. As they do that, their muscles are tense and working hard and fast, panic coursing through them as they only get blanket after blanket. Only little twitches happen under the crowd.

As they reach the last blue one, the breathing becomes more evident, Bobby and Eddie taking a deep breath of relief that fogs up their screens. As the last one comes off, the two men are met by the eyes of a little boy and the black fur and neon vest of the service dog laying on top of him. As he watches Bobby peel the dog’s body off the child, Eddie remembers that downstairs were crutches that were like Chris’ and his heart feels heavy and his head biomes clouded with thoughts of his family at home. His autonomousness is cut by the loud wail that comes from the dog as the burns on his hind legs are touched. Bobby and Eddie share a look and they both know that the other is aware and is agreeing to the plan. Bobby hoists the dog on to his shoulders and Eddie swoops in and picks up the boy who is barely conscious and holds him tight against his chest, the flames have now moved further into the house. With every single living being, now counted for, Bobby and Eddie leave the house with flames going for their heels, whilst they were in the building Hen and Chim had called for another ambulance, the boy is quickly handed off. Bobby places the dog on the ground, unsure what to do, the dog needs treatment but he has no idea what to do.

“Bobby, we have to…” Eddie says, looking at the dog whimpering on the cold, hard cement.

“I know,” he gives back, throwing a glance towards the younger man watching so many emotions run across his face as he strokes the dog's head in a feeble attempt to calm him down. “Hen, Chimney. Get over here, we need some help,” he shouts over to them and the two of them come running at the sound of their boss asking for them from the truck with supplies. When they get there, they see the state of the dog and are shocked by it but Bobby quickly brings them out of their daze. “We don’t have time. Just help,” he tells them forcefully. The two do the job of cleaning the wound and wrapping the burns in dressings.

“There’s a vet near my house,” Eddie states the group as they finish treating the animal as best they can, as his features tighten, “we’re only a few minutes away.”

Bobby calls into dispatch and asks to be taken off calls for the next half an hour. He gently picks up the dog and the others follow him to the truck. Eddie gets in his side first and Bobby places the dog in front of him at his feet, then Hen and Chimney get in and Bobby gets into the driver’s side and sets off following the directions Eddie had set out earlier. They quickly park in front of the vet’s, all four of them and the dog go inside.

Once in the building, they all gain stares. As the unusualness of four firefighters in their turnout gear with a dog held on one of their shoulders. They were regarded with admiration and curiosity as people let them cut in the line. It is Chimney who tells the receptionist about the dog, a woman in a loud lab coat that only a child would love with vibrant pink hair comes out and leads them to the emergency room. He is set on the table, while he is checked out by the vet and Hen and Chim are complemented by her for their work. Once she settles on a treatment, Bobby gives the firehouse’s contact information. Having the adrenaline finally running out of them, they slowly return to the fire engine.

Just before Bobby starts the engine, Eddie makes an imitation of a cough that gains the attention of everybody. His eyebrows are furrowed and his Adam's apple is moving with his continuous swallowing. “Cap, we still have twenty minutes until we’re back on call…” he gets out trying to remain casual but his features let his feeling seep into them, the pricking behind his eyes is his emotion mixing about leaving Buck and Chris alone, the gritty taste of guilt and worry intermingled with one another. “And we’re close to my house, can I go check on my… Buck and Chris?”

Bobby hearing the primalness in Eddie’s voice, he has to grip the steering wheel, so hard his knuckles grow white with the exertion. “Yeah, only for fifteen minutes, we need to get back to get back to the station,” he tells Eddie, keeping a tight leash on his voice. 

With a turn, the engine revs to life, and Bobby starts to drive, turning into Eddie’s street, passing the other houses, Hen can’t help but think back to all of their lives and the fact that they are only a breath away from their house of cards falling. Eventually, the truck rumbles through a turn, pulling against the entryway. 

* * *

The clicking of the door handle echoes round the room. Immediately, Buck’s whole body tenses, as the whole system begins to build hap dash defences and assess everything that could become a weapon and any escape that is in reach. With instinct pumping every move, he wraps an arm that’s muscle is infected with that rush of feeling that is gripping and overwhelming any of his complicated emotions working in, attaining that same focus he had had when he held both Chris and Eddie after they had told the child that his mother had died. Every nerve is tightened, pulling at his reserves of energy and funnelling it into his next action with Chris depending on what was wrong on the other side of the door. Each noise from the door, strikes through him, bringing back the feeling of being trapped like a bird in a cage and helpless like a tree without sun and water. 

As he sees the handle move down, time slows, the dust in the air taking on light as it floats around the room. Buck is somehow impossibly both frozen and equipped to react, blood carrying those hormones of cortisol and adrenaline which belong to the stress response. Slowly, getting caught in each second, the door inches open bringing light with it, the widening of the door, the increments bring with it sounds that Buck can perceive as familiar but he doesn’t, his brain doesn’t let him recognise it.

First, all Buck can see is a black leather boot that is stepping through the door, the movement is soft and gentle, almost hesitant but somehow it reverberates around Buck’s head, like a cymbal crash. Buck is too close to the sound, he can feel it in his bones, fearing that it is going to shatter his teeth and jaw.

Then, a clothed blue leg attached to the boot appears. His eyes race from the sleeping form of the child next to him and to the door in rapid repeat, hoping with feebleness that this is someone safe. With his hands, he wraps one around the metal stalk of the crutch and other remains around Christopher. A thought trickles into his mind that Carla would have locked the door when she left this morning, so this has to be someone he knows, with that information, his already hoof beating heart speeds up as he can't help but question himself if he’s lost time. It wouldn’t be the first time but he thought it was over if Eddie found out… Buck is sure that it is around half ten, blood icy hot in his veins, he flicks his eyes towards the clock with wide bloodshot fearless and he sees that the time is ten thirty-three. But instead of being comforted, Buck interrogates the recesses of his mind of any indication that it may be Eddie is returning home from his shift the next day.

His whole body turns back enraptured by the scene unfolding in front of him. The torso, attached to the legs. And even more of the body comes through the entryway, arm, shoulder and Buck is certain that is the man whose presence comforts him completely, constantly and consistently but also helps to bloom those intermittent moments of blinding bitterness that only brings him back down seconds later with a further fall into that hole in his mind.

Buck can feel it building in his finger and toes, making the journey up, the pinpricks getting closer to his heart and stinging his eyes. As he puts a shaking hand to his mouth, trying to settle the deconstruction happening in his body, he hears which is followed by more whispering that is owned by distinct voices that belong to Bobby, then Chimney, then Hen. Finally, time goes back to normal, everything speeding up to the usual pace, and the door opens fully, all of them filing in after it reveals Eddie. With them still talking to each other, Buck moves his head back to the screen trying to look engrossed with the programme that is happening, so he doesn’t have to look at their assessing eyes, waiting for some kind of confirmation of an idea they already have about him. The placing of the multiple feet continues, Buck can hear the deliberate and careful movements getting closer to him. It is almost respectful that they were trying to be so quiet but that is drained in a sea of fear and the weighty sadness that is so prevalent when anyone comes into his world.

As seconds tick down until the adults’ gazes meet, the pounding of his heart leads to the racing of his brain to debate whether or not to pretend to be asleep. He wouldn’t have to deal with them and everything they are feeling and trying to funnel into positives to help him ‘ _get better’_. They too have also developed that artificial happiness that Maddie and Eddie treat Buck with, in hopes that the veil that covers him from crown to toe, steeping him in everything he’s experienced in every minute of his life, but unlike his fiancé and sister they fade out of it and a look that Buck can’t decipher is replaced by it and all he wants do is dash away and curl into a ball away from prying eyes that want pieces of him. Pieces of him, that he isn’t sure he has anymore, pieces he isn’t even sure that they are asking for. All the energy he has is consumed by just existing and worrying about everyone he knows just out there living their lives, some of them in constant danger due to their livelihoods. 

But Buck never gets to make the decision of tightly scrunching his eyes shut as they all come into one another’s view. Buck paints a wide and bright smile that feels painful, to greet Eddie and the others with, after his outburst yesterday he has to appear as it is a fluke and not the continuation from the surgery of his body flooding with emotions at the littlest thing and dragging him back down with the same strength and speed of how he got there.

With the smile on his face, Buck moves his eyes to Eddie who takes a visible swallow, the tendons in his neck popping out. Eddie’s eyes trail him, sucking in him and to stop himself from flinching under the gravity of it, he quickly drags his eyes over to Bobby. There is a curious expression on Bobby’s face that consists of a tilted head, slightly slouched shoulders and lip pursed together without any energy behind them. Interrupting, Chris moves again, more into Buck, seeking that reassuring warmth that he gives off and he strokes his cheek, calming him back to sleep again. Buck is able to see that Chim is watching him, with the same look he usually does when he visits with Maddie and not the one he wears when he visits alone, it is stuck halfway between two expressions. At last, he lands on Hen and Buck’s eyes meet with a sharing that eases him marginally, the worry in him going back in, achieving low tide.

As the second they are all caught in passes, Eddie moves closer to Buck, standing to his side of the bed. Almost imperceivable, Buck makes an offhand gesture to the rest of them towards the other couch. 

“We were in the area, I just wanted to check…” Eddie starts to talk but all Buck can think about is the perfect justice. The perfect justice for getting mad at Eddie, at Maddie, at the world. The perfect justice of them in his, their uniform in his home, a reminder that if not for one single lapse in his body, he would be at work with them, planning his wedding with Maddie, Abuela and Bobby instead he is sat on a sofa bed looking after a child that no one wanted to leave alone with him, the child who had only just lost his mother and is somehow more put together than him, that his only way to get around is crutches and the fact that he can’t even have a shower without crying because he has to see the stump in all its’ blemished glory. Buck is expecting to feel that burn he is so used too that makes him confront what has happened to him, but all he can sense is the lukewarm trickling sensation down his back and with his eyes darting around the room to look for a segway to leave this space without making anyone aware of what he’s feeling.

* * *

**The end of exile is the end of being.**

_ **\- Angela Carter** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CCF- is Cadets and Citizens of the future. It is basically scouts but for children of firefighters.
> 
> This chapter was a labour of love, it really didn't want to be written.
> 
> My weekly upload schedule. I hate to say it, I hope I don't sound ridiculous. I don't know who this man is, I mean who could be walking down the street, I wouldn't know a thing. Sorry to this man
> 
> Kudos and comments are always appreciated.


	10. strangely apart, yet strangely close together

**Such words he utters, and sick with deep distress he feigns hope on his face, and keeps his anguish hidden deep in his breast.**

_ **\- Virgil** _

* * *

The air is left heavy with Eddie’s words and Buck’s carefully designed expression but his eyes are lost elsewhere in the room, diverted to the soot that always taints around the finger bed after a fire. From the noise, Christopher makes a grumbling sound and rolls over, ending up with his head on Buck and his legs diagonally hanging over the side- the little display earns a round of quiet laughter that is clouded with the different energies that each person in the room is producing. As that team activity ends, they all sit down; Hen, Chim and Bobby sit down on the empty spaces on the armchairs and couches, Eddie sits down at the end of the bed, mostly by Buck’s foot. A dip forms under him, as the mattress accommodates another human, the light bubbling texture of the blanket licking the interior of his hand. Eddie continues in with his voice, words falling out of him, “I wanted...to check on...Chris.” Eddie moves his hands so close to Buck’s shin that he can feel the little heat coming off of it and for a passing second Buck lets himself remember what Eddie’s heat feels like. In the moment, Eddie lets go of the hold he has on himself and reflects on Buck’s warmth and that he’s willing to wait an eternity to feel it once again. The couple drag each other out of that base instinct of connection, of each other, of their home rooted in each other, the most primal of states back to civility. The others make themselves comfortable, sitting on the overstuffed sofa that is unlike the one at the station, Hen and Chim are busy trying to identify the show on the screen, while Bobby watches the two, so unlike themselves. 

Buck nods haltingly that is matched with understanding and winces that same smile stretched across the canvas of his face, Eddie mirrors him by rubbing his hand across his face then takes a steadying breath and throws his gaze over to his son, “how has he been?” he asks, all concern and full of unspoken words that Buck can still hear loud and clear.

“Ok. He’s slept mostly when I woke him up to have some meds he got a bit tearful. He… he misses you,” Buck gets out a bit more easily, the sounds forming as leaves do on a tree, the topic not being him aiding in the construction of his speech but the trip in his speech hits close to home as at the end he no longer just talking about Chris.

“That’s good. Maddie and I, she said she would try and come to you,” Eddie says, his voice doused in care with hints of desperation creeping in.

Buck has to stop his eyes from rolling, with the one hand that is out of sight he curls it into a fist. “She called earlier. But by the time she would have gotten off, it wouldn’t have made sense for her to come here.” Buck drops the words out of his mouth, forcing himself to maintain a certain type of indifference that will pacify and convince Eddie in equal measure, “You… It’s only a few hours ‘till Carla gets home. And it’s Chris, we’ll be ok. Eddie, it’s not even half a day,” Buck finishes his tone getting marginally harsher. His free hand inches towards Eddie’s thigh to squeeze it, Eddie does the same but both like a reflection looking back at itself, that same trickle well-known trickle for each other settles into their minds- Buck wasn’t ready and Eddie could wait forever and everything adds to another and Buck draws back, his lacking playing in his mind as he is continually assaulted by the visions of a uniform he is no longer authorized to wear- and the two of them still the absolute replica of one another they pull away as their skin, soul and sensation sings to have the other’s skin under the delicate pads of their fingertips.

Bobby watches the whole exchange noting and committing to memory that is now so commonplace and yet completely outlandish for Buck and Eddie. Tinges of guilt inflate his being- they would not be here if not for him. They would never be here if he hadn’t done what he had- and anger bubbles to the surface, what right did that boy have to endanger his whole crew. So he takes the fragile pieces that sit between Buck and Eddie, trying with everything he’s learnt to help build a bridge that both of them need. “Buck has done well, so far, hasn’t he? Eddie is just worried, we had a difficult call.” He tries to comfort earnestly, using that soft tone he always gets when he parents his adult children, quickly commanding attention with his presence, he looks towards Hen and Chim for confirmation. The two of them, unaware of the scene happening behind them, nod half-heartedly still engrossed and confused by the show playing on the screen.

The rampantness of Eddie’s emotions, the fundamental duty, that earliest responsibility he has tempering just slightly with the irrefutable evidence of the two people that are the very threads that hold his world together. As Bobby’s placating fills the room, something stable settles in Eddie as he and Buck lock eyes and that well-known sharing of a bouquet full of heliotropes happens, everything, everyone disappearing into the background. Just as he’s about to dive into the deep, a strong pull, that is more than instinct, moves his eyes to catch the plate behind Buck holding uneaten food. For one second and that passing interval of time only, Eddie tenses his jaw then wears an expression that Buck is so used to, that is somewhere between exasperation and visceral unease. “You’ve barely eaten. Buck, you need…” Eddie remarks with equal measures of firmness and desperation, that can be found in the furrowing of his brow and the downwards tilt of the corners of his lips.

Bobby opens his mouth but Buck’s voice fills the room before any sound can stumble out of his throat. “It’s not even lunch, yet. I’ll eat later,” Buck whispers, that out of place feeling intensifying as he is managed and the navy blue of their uniforms becomes more vibrant and the loudness erupts from them all resonates through his brain, like his own personal torment, taunting him with versions of past, present and future. His life in the past years since joining the LAFD, the one-one-eight, the unclear path his parents had forged for him had helped the mist to clear- he wanted, wants things that after being a Buckley, a lone Buckley for so many years he wasn’t sure that he was even allowed to consider, marriage, a family. First, it was Abby, he could see himself being her one, then she wasn’t there... Then the short, hardly worth a mention dalliance with Allie. Lastly, Eddie, a whirlwind that felt right, he is sure that this is the person for him and he is the one for him. There was never any hesitation settling into this relationship.

A black hole opens in his mind, he has to prove that he is trying after his display yesterday to let Eddie know he is trying, that he’s worthy of Eddie’s care and attention. Even if he’s sure he doesn't deserve it, Buck isn’t sure who he is after the surgery but without Eddie, he’s sure he won’t be a person at all. Even with all the conflicting emotions in him, the ones that bring him to blinding heights and dazzling lows, paired with the need, that is so primitive, of Eddie. Buck wants to prove he is trying because even the suffocating nature of his twenty-four/seven watch is better than being alone again.

All of them have maintained a level of quietness but Christopher knows the timbre of his father’s voice. Almost silent at first, soft grunts start to fill the room as recognition comes to him, Chris seeks out Buck and his eyes begin to rapidly blink, bringing into focus his other parent, ”Dad?” he questions, his voice dripping in sleepiness that only increases the confusion he is experiencing. A clearness starts to erupt through his expression as his brain and body start to catch up and dithering begins, he doesn’t want to release the tight grip he has on Buck but also wants some comfort from his dad too. One hand tightens on Buck's shirt as Buck encases the other and moves it towards Eddie.

As the normal warmth of his son’s hand meets his, all he can do is try and cram all he wants to convey into small words. “Yeah…” there is both a lightness and a heaviness in his voice, as a small watery, but paternal smile crosses his face.

Buck watches Eddie and Chris, in him that feeling of safety that his close-knit family provides increases. But Buck is also a witness to the fact that the team are in his home, in his uniform, bringing him to confront that they are here because of a callout, a thing that used to be and for them an everyday occurrence. Buck hadn’t stopped after losing a leg, he’s still losing. A familiar heat pools in his stomach but it doesn’t burn, Buck would prefer that, instead, it just sits in him invading his lungs too. He wants to shout, scream, sob and scamper away, it would be so easy to do the first thing make them and all the feelings trying to find a home in him go away, but he won’t do that near anywhere near Chris, he can’t do that again to Eddie, he can’t do that to everyone else not when all they want for him is to _get better_ and still here after everything.

With his attention halved between the racing stream inside of him and watching the most important people in his life. Eddie takes a inhale before he talks again, “I didn’t mean to wake you, just wanted to check on you and Buck.” Christopher nods, grabbing at Eddie who pulls Chris onto his lap as he buries his face into his father’s neck. Gently, he rubs Chris’ back while whispering, “it’s ok. We’re here. Us against the world.” All eyes are diverted away from them and Buck uses this lack of spotlight on him to make a getaway, just for a second, so he can breathe air that isn’t contaminated with get betters and why don’t you try.

Using measured movements, Buck turns swinging his lower half over the bed, so his foot touches the floor. He grapes the air for his crutches, the fragile resolve he just built starts to crumble as he is met by the cold metal of the crutches. Trying to remain soundless, he tries their stability while comparing hands with the other adults in the room, all of them had traces of soot around the nail compared to him, he didn’t even trust his hands to get to the next room.

As Buck moves his weight off the bed and onto the crutches, the springs under him make a creaking sound. In the quietness of the room, that sound is a loud interruption snapping everyone’s attention but Chris’ attention to Buck. Bobby, Hen and Chimney are locked in observation, watching Buck as he makes stiff movements. It is a jarring show watching _the Evan Buckley_ who had scaled a building during the earthquake was now struggling. As Buck slowly straightens up on his crutches his t-shirt rides up exposing his back.

All of their eyes are stuck on his bare skin, as they are forced to identify the red, blue and purple brushstrokes forced into the canvas of skin. They collectively share an intake of any oxygen in the room and Buck can hear everything, the burning increases even more in Buck’s eyes and he has to look away at the corner of the room to push all of it down. Buck can’t let go of himself, not here in the open, he needs them to know he’s trying and breaking down in front of them isn’t that.

Out of all three of them, caught in their watchfulness, it is Chimney who finds any words first after he takes a deep sucking breath, “Jesus Christ, Buck! What happened?,” Chimney questions, trying to keep that pitch of worry that always brings Buck’s shoulders up to his ear and his head folded into his chest. His eyes dart towards Eddie, who is too busy trying to settle his son then to Bobby who makes a noncommittal gesture of shaking his head and shrugging his shoulders, then flipping back to Buck.

“Nothing! I’m going to the bathroom,” Buck answers too quickly, through a tightly clenched jaw. The bubbling inside of him brews hot and cold concentrating too much feeling than Buck is able to deal with any more. Now he is stuck, he really wants, needs to pull down his shirt but he can’t let go of the only thing keeping him upright and balanced. Eddie jumps in, as the background becomes more intense with Buck needing him more than the half-asleep Chris does, reaching across and pulling the hem of the shirt down. With the painting of his back hidden, Buck makes a semblance of a hum of thanks. Fleeing the scene, as fast as he can manage, Buck makes his routine of walking (press, lift, land, transfer, reach forward) without another sound emitting from his throat to the bathroom, where he can lock the door and breath in a room without the blue wall of uniform.

All that can be heard in the room is the continuous whacking of rubber against the floor, the silence from all four of them does more talking than words could ever imagine. On Eddie’s shoulder, Chris has settled into a light doze, the even dainty breaths pushing warm air onto his neck. Chris’ arms are wrapped tight around Eddie’s neck and he is using his arms to support his back, holding him there. Against him, Eddie can feel the tension still held in his son’s body and sense the tight closure of his eyes, so he just stays holding both to prove that he’s okay and knowing that the second he puts him down in this state, he will just begin with hysterical sobbing at waking up in half-consciousness with Buck being there one minute and not there, after falling asleep.

Cradling his son in his arms and slightly rocking like you would do with a younger child, to push him further into the land of sleep, he hesitantly meets the eyes of the others.

Bobby exhales a huff of air before speaking, everything he’s feeling about this situation, starting to overcome the dam he had built with only the material he had at hand. The words creep out of his brain, then stumble out of his larynx, on his face is a knotted brow and a whisper of a grimace. “What happened, Eddie?” He questions, speaking for all of them, trying to keep an open and comforting presence, to both get information and provide some sort of stability that Eddie needs to have, so he can take care of his family.

“He fell over,” Eddie tells them, a melancholic edge starts in his voice but it is quickly stopped as he buries his nose in Chris’ hair and replaced by a matter-of-fact tone taking all of the emotion littering his voice away. A deep breath ripples through him before he starts to make the motion to talk again, “uh, last night. He was in pain, having nightmares and… and he didn’t want to wake me up. He fell on the way to get tablets.” Even though he cannot hear it in Eddie’s voice, Bobby can feel the desperation and self-accusation ripping and tearing through him, like a beast clawing at any piece of flesh it can reach.

“Don’t blame yourself. You still helped him,” Hen adds in, her face twisted in sadness, trying to input something helpful for her friends.

“It’s not your fault or his,” Chimney tells him, holding his arms and chest in an open position, more than familiar with this state of mind from both Maddie and Eddie, he has spent so much time pulling Maddie back to earth as she picks at herself for not doing her job that is on the scale between sororal and maternal.

Bobby adds to everyone’s comfort by placing a light hand one Eddie’s shoulder that isn’t occupied by Chris’ head.

“I know,” Eddie replies, completely unconvinced.

* * *

The journey to the bathroom is torturous, it is so long with eyes on his back that he can still feel even when he’s out of their eye line- as he takes each step the bathroom becomes even further away. With his foot hitting the ground, he just wants to stop and places his body on the floor and break down with Eddie to ground him. Or just anyone to acknowledge that is trying as much as he is able to right now.

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Five.

And finally, he is at the door of the main bathroom of the house. Slowly, taking his time because after what happened to him, he will not risk falling over anywhere near his friends, his family. He has to maintain the pretence of some kind of adultness, he shifts his weight to his elbows on the armrests and laces his arm up and wraps his hand around the handle of the door, the cold crawling up his skin. 

With a click, the door opens, the hinges creaking with the movement. Buck, greeting the bare empty room, races through the door-as much as he can, locking the door behind him- his grip on the crutches loosening for a second before he is reminded of the artist of the painting on his back. With gentle force, Buck behind him and sags against the door. Finally alone, having escaped the navy blue field of forget-me-nots shoving into his face, the capability he will never be able to achieve again, Buck starts his craft of being able to cry without even making a squeak. His hand comes up to his mouth as the racking sobs take over his body, heaving in such a way that it is almost convulsive. 

The racing in Buck’s mind is going even too fast for him to even ascribe feeling to thought, all he can materialise is Chris, Eddie, Maddie, his friends, that he will never be able to do certain things again, wanting to feel like himself again and the very fact he is unable to go through his feelings makes them intensify to the pinnacle of consumption. As the fit continues Buck’s hands begin to shake, the one clasped around his mouth and the other curls around the grip of the crutches, while his eyes form a light closure sore from their overworking. 

Then it happens. Buck’s shaking hand loosens letting him stumble, a sharp breathless gasp beats out of him. Mustering up all the strength and will he can, Buck looks to the toilet and hisses at its farness but ending up on the floor again is not an option Buck is even going to consider. With his energy all but zapped from him, Buck trudges over to the toilet and plonks himself down onto the seat. Buck doesn’t even have a chance to receive any relief that comes from taking off the stress of not holding himself up before he returns to that state of remembering and thinking that is making him overcome with emotion. As the silent sobbing resumes Buck starts to rock trying to soothe some part of him that is playing a tune that was composed by the questions of who is he anymore? And what is he worth now?

* * *

A quiet chatter rooted inanity erupts after they had finished talking about Buck, no-one including Eddie knew what to say. It helps Eddie, end up somewhere close to the ground only residing in a level above his usual worry for his boys. He runs his hand through Chris’ hair, comforting his son as well as him, as he joins in with the sound but something in him scratches at him with each passing second is making his eyes draw their stares across the room to the point where his fiancé disappeared.

Chris’ hand begins to wake again, running of his hands starts at the back of Eddie’s neck. A rapid blinking crosses his son’s neck as he wakes again, burying his face into his father’s neck for a second before jerking up to slowly meet the eyes of the adults in the room. He hears a round of ‘hi Chris’ accompanied by a few pointed nods from him, all of them return to what they were doing not wanting to trouble the young boy, who is visibly ill with pale skin and his unusual unwillingness to speak.

As another moment passes Chris pulls himself out of his father’s neck, looking to the empty space to the side of him. At first, Chris opens his mouth but nothing but a suggestion of speech comes out, Eddie can feel Chris’ breathing speed increase and he knows that his son is at the beginning stages of winding himself up.

With the sickening heat of worry coursing through his blood like it is meant to be there, Eddie uses the wide expanse of the palm of his hand to rub Chris’ back with a tame effort. “Take a deep breath and use your words, ok,” he whispers into Chris’ ear while sharing a look with Bobby that is soft with knitted eyebrows, it helps with the guilt Eddie thinks as he adds that to Carla’s reassurances earlier. The tension that he is holding, that it’s painful, ebbs a fraction, Buck and Chris were, are doing fine on their own for now and Carla will return soon to take any pressure off Buck.

Under instruction, Chris takes a deep breath, tears filling his eyes. “Where’s Buck?” The words come out of his mouth getting caught on the inflamed walls in his throat and full of that same fear that he is so used to seeing his son after the tragic news had been delivered. He wants to be here to assuage any popping out of that fear, that he feels too and he is only reminded by having eyes and hands on the people he needs to drown out the feeling. Too much for his own good Chris takes after him in the way he needs to have proof in front of his Buck and Dad aren’t gone.

“I can go get him,” Eddie tells him, still stroking the back to get him to stop Chris going to the next stages of his hysterics as his own mind starts to stick on how long he’s been gone

Chris just grabs at his father, pulling tighter. “No, but… But-”

  
“I’ll go get him,” Bobby interrupts, walking off before either Diaz could answer. The walk is a slow one, Bobby taking his time as his mind antagonises over how quickly it had all switched for this family, how much support Buck needs and how to give it, the guilt at not being on the truck that was _made to punish him._ So step by step, he marches to the door, hearing, almost inaudible sniffling. He has to take a moment to collect himself, deep breaths and the need to step and fill the gaping hole that Buck had elected him and by proxy Athena to fix, using two knuckles, he raps at the door and waits.

* * *

After a few seconds that seemed to last even longer than eternity, caught in an absolute fit of emotion. Buck’s eyes find the medicine cabinet and thinking, only for less than a second, how quiet his mind would be, how level he would feel if he took one half of a sleeping tablet. Buck gets stuck staring into the reflective metal of the cabinet, trance-like, want that feeling of not feeling rather than the heightened state he is going to fall from and the higher the state the greater the fall, Buck doesn’t want to reach the ground because each time he falls the more he wants to just let go and curl into Eddie but that’s _not trying._

Then a harsh knock sounds on the other side of the door, breaking him out of his reverie. Quickly, Buck wipes away the tears on his face with the heel of his hand, hurting both his face and hands as the little weight on his face doesn’t cushion the meeting of bones. Buck does whatever he can to make himself seem like he was really going to the bathroom, sucking in breath through his mouth and nose, getting rid of any mucus trying to escape his body. After he has cleaned his face, Buck makes the next step to still the shakiness running through his body.

“Hey, Buck. Chris is asking for you,” Bobby tells him, leaning against the door.

“Yeah, just coming. I need to wash my hands,” Buck offers back, pushing himself off the toilet to the sink.

The sound of running water pours into the room and outside to the other side of the door. Buck with hands just starting to still, cups the water and brings it up to his face. Hoping through the magic of cold water that any sign on his face that he was crying would disappear, Buck rubs the water over the skin of his face.

At his now normal speed, Buck gets to the door and unlocks it, meeting Bobby on the other side. He gives Bobby a sharp nod before falling in step with the slow pace Bobby sets for him. Through the monotony of Buck’s loud and hard motion of walking, Buck can feel Bobby’s eyes sneaking over him, the weight of it is almost just as crushing as Eddie’s, the same sensation of the world sitting on his chest. Nothing much is said between the two, Bobby is filling the silence and Buck not having enough wherewithal to reply in anything but little hums. Then all too quickly and painfully slow like the sands in an hourglass, they are back in the living room.

Buck watches the scene unfold in front of him for just a second before making the quick movements to the bed. He sets himself down with unmeasurable incoordination and quickness to make sure, make double sure no-one sees him, even any hint of the new hindrance of his ability. With no need for hesitation, Buck’s hands find their way to Chris’ hair dragging his nails against his scalp.

At the new sensation, Chris whips his head around to Buck and offers him a wistful grin that is held both in his eyes and mouth. “You’re back. I… Don’t leave again,” Chris tells Buck, his voice cracking with soreness, childish authority fused into each word as he squeezes his body between Buck and Eddie.

“I just went to the bathroom,” Buck placates, looking at Eddie as he finishes talking. Both sets of eyes meet and Buck tries to make himself seem okay, he knows Eddie too well he holds himself to such a high standard when it comes to his family. He used to soothe those stings of emotion when; an off-hand comment was made that Eddie’s brain chose to cling to, when his father made it clear that Eddie wasn’t living up to the idea of what he should be, or when the job got too much and all Eddie wants to do is barricade his boys from the world, but he doesn’t have enough resources for that. So Buck gives what he can and seeming okay is the comfort he can give and he will give everything he can to unburden Eddie, his lover.

“That’s still...le..leaving. You have to tell me next time,” Chris states, croaky and hoarse while making eye contact with Buck, tightening his grip on both Buck and Eddie.

A snort of laughter gently ripples through Buck but holds the usual dullness that runs through him now. Tenderly, Buck brushes Chris away from his forehead, “Yeah okay, kid. Sorry for making you worry,” he returns, keeping his voice as even as possible to keep Chris from digging a deeper hole of worry.

In a reaction to the more Buck-like state, Hen, Bobby and Chimney turn their attention, full attention to Buck and he does his best not to flinch under it.

“Buck! We need to settle a score, what is this?,” Chimney questions looking to Hen then Buck.

“Uh, it’s Scrooge,” Buck says, crinkling his eyes, “are you really doing this?”

“Yeah, we are,” Chim answers, looking smugly at Hen. “I’ve got one more win to go until I get my fifty dollars.”

“I’m only two behind, Chim, don’t get cocky,” Hen points out. “Why were you watching it, anyway?”

“Just too lazy to turn it over,” Buck answers, making his body smaller.

Chim gestures to the plate of food he had gotten when Buck was in the bathroom, “tell Carla that her food is ah… too good.” he says.

Bobby breaths out through his nose and changes topics. “What do you like the most out of what I cook? I’m bringing some food over before next shift,” he asks, bypassing Eddie to help them with anything he can.

At the sudden change, Buck wrinkles his face in confusion, “uh, the… stroganoff and mac ‘n’ cheese,” Buck tells him, quickly, still offering comfort to his young child.

“Good, those are easy to make,” Bobby says, giving Buck a small smile, then he looks at his watch and produces a soft sigh as he inclines his head towards Eddie, “we have to go in five minutes. Okay, Eddie?”

Then he makes a motion to Hen and Chimney, and they walk to the truck to give the little family some privacy. Behind them the door closes with a soft click as Chimney pulls it shut and with it, Eddie feels both relieved and guilty in equal spades, he had the confirmation that Christopher and Buck are okay but he was going to leave them again. Against him, Chris is somehow pushing more into both Eddie and Buck as they continue to calm the young boy with only Chris separating the two of them, he can feel Buck’s heat licking at his skin and this is just as therapeutic for him as Chris and Buck. It is a reminder that Buck is here and not in the ground or a hospital bed.

All the energy that Chris had quickly and messily produced is fastly disappearing, Eddie starts to lay down with Chris in his arms. Buck follows suit wrapping his arm around Chris’ shoulder, all three of their heads hitting the pillow at the same time. Eddie’s hands make their way to Chris hair stroking steady lengths through and he reaches for Buck but stops short only getting to the ring he’d given him. Buck is a complete mirror of Eddie, reaching out but stopping short before he gets to skin instead running his fingers over the plain gold bracelet he had brought for Eddie. Their both fiddle with jewellery they had gotten for each other that is full of true commitment and martial promise.

“I…” _love you._ Eddie tells him and the unspoken words are clear as day.

“I know,” Buck confesses with a small sleepy listless smile across his face as his eyes move to half-lidded. _I love you, too._ “I do, too.”

Eddie reaches up with his hand on Buck to his hair, pushing it back, as he detects the swollen cheeks. “Go to sleep. I’ll lock the door and call you later. You’re tired, sleep,” Eddie states as clearly as possible as he takes his hand away from Buck’s being back to the ring. Eddie, putting out the wick that holds the flickering flame of Buck’s consciousness with his two fingers Buck falls into a light doze. He waits a few seconds, making sure both of them are settled into a sleep, without any tentativeness and using gentle force he brings a hand to cup Chris’ sleeping face running his thumb across his cheek and does the same to Buck but going for birthmark instead all while holding a delicate pensive look on his face, the corners of his lips are form a grimace and a slight wrinkle at the top of his nose.

Given the confirmation he needs, Eddie silently untangles himself from the sea of arms of legs as tame as possible not wanting either one of them. In one fluid movement, Eddie mover over the bed and places his feet on the floor without making a sound and gets up, walking to the exit of the room. When he reaches the threshold Eddie rounds on the balls of his feet standing lingering in the doorway, he intakes some air and watches his family, just their breathing, the slow rise and fall of their chest. As he does so guilt seeps out of his pores and he notes every detail of them before he turns his back to them, walking out the door and locking it, surrounding them in the curtain wall of his house to keep them more safe than humanly possible as is his responsibility.

* * *

As natural as the tides, time trudges on. Buck wakes up bleary-eyed with his eyes finding their way to the empty space Eddie occupied in his mind only mere moments ago. Without hesitation, Buck sits up and uses the back of his hand and checks Chris' forehead and is satisfied with the normal temperature Chris is giving off. He quickly sends a text Eddie saying he woke up and one checking in with Maddie while putting on the TV on a low volume to watch something distracting. The next few hours pass like that with differing intervals of waking Chris up to feed him medicine and hug him when he needs it, with both Maddie and Eddie receiving the texts that need for their supervision over Buck.

While composing a text for them he receives a text from Karen.

_Just letting u know that Denny + others have been getting a rash after half a day of the sore throat_

_Have fun!_

That little tidbit brings a ghost of a smile to Buck’s face, then his phone buzzes again as he realises that he’s actually in a group chat.

_Thanks for passing the info and the disease along._

_Im having so much fun looking after Harry and May._

Reading Michael's text, Buck abandons the one he was writing and starts a new one as a reply.

_Thanx for letting me know._

_Lets hope none of us get it._

As expected Carla returns, opening the door with a burst of energy as she pushes through. She comes bearing gifts that Buck sees as she walks into the room, she is light on her feet but the new sound still draws Buck’s attention. 

With Buck’s eyes on her, Carla gives him a pleasant smile, while walking over to the table next to the sofa bed and sets down one of the plastic cups in her hand. “I’ve got you a chocolate milkshake and Chris a banana one,” she says quickly to Buck, she knew when she left today that Buck eating a full meal alone was unlikely, so when she got off her other job early she stopped off at a cupcakery and got two drinks for the boys, the calorie richness for Buck and the cool soothing quality for Christopher.

“Thank you,” Buck smiles vaguely at her. Gently, he shakes Chris to wake him. He barely comes out of the sleep taking a few sips of the drink before rolling over and blacking out again. Both Carla and Buck share a smile at Chris’ acts.

After Carla points a stiff finger at Buck, “You’re helping me in the kitchen,” she tells him while keeping her voice as soft as she can to gain his help and bring him to a total shutdown.

“But Carla…” Buck starts to whine, rubbing his hands over his face looking petulantly at Carla.

“ ‘m not Eddie, that won’t work on me. You've been sat here all day rotting your brain with TV. All you’re going to chop stuff,” she states making it clear that while that is no room for argument, that is not putting him under any type of expectation.

Slowly, as his body tries to refuse, Buck gets up and makes his way to the kitchen. In the room, Buck moves with one objective in mind getting to one of the chairs tucked under the table. Eventually, with stiff uncooperative muscles, Buck sits on the chair with an uncoordinated settling as his limbs of their own volition spread away from him. Carla catches the reticent, yielding and expectant expression Buck stares at her with, she gives him a small nod and hands him a knife, chopping board and an onion. In these moments, everything in Buck stills, no more of that rushing or swinging to emotion, in front of him he has a task he can do autopilot, letting him work off a minuscule amount of tension that is added on to him, every day he is reminded of what he had lost, it helps the tiniest amount of making him feel human again. Carla, eager, used to dealing with people at this point in their lives, to keep Buck out of his mind, she strikes up a conversation with a foundation of small talk while working the stove. They continue on like that, Carla giving food for Buck to cut and her making up food for the family to eat while she isn’t here. 

A couple of hours later, loud childish sobs cut through Carla and Buck’s chatter making them go silent. It doesn’t take long for Buck to hop into action, “Chris, I’m in the kitchen,” he shouts as the dirtiness of guilt starts to crouse through.

As soon as he finishes his words, the sounds of Chris walking echo round the room. With Buck in his sights, Chris rushes into Buck’s open arms burying his face into his chest and sniffling as Buck makes his arms tight around him. Slowly, letting Chris keep as much of a hold on him as possible, Buck pulls Chris out of him slightly, so the two of them are face to face. “ Hey, hey. What’s wrong?” Buck asks, with both of them holding each other.

The cry gets more intense as Chris’ sore throat and the added action makes his breathing laboured. “I… woke.. and.. you… gone,” Chris manages to spit out through cries and breathes before diving back into Buck who rocks him sideways a while rubbing his hand up and down his back.

“I’m sorry. I’m here. I’m here,” Buck repeats on and on trying to settle him down, still giving him all the comfort he can provide. Just slightly Buck can feel Chris nod against him as his croaky breathing returns to a place near normal. Even with nails digging into his skin all Buck does is hold him tighter.

“Do you think Dad is ok?” Chris asks whispering into Buck’s chest while grabbing onto his shirt.

Buck’s eyes become watery too, he knows what shifts are like, the horrifying amount of danger that all of them can be in, but for Chris, he blinks them away and whispers back. “Yeah, it’s Eddie, Dad, he can do everything. Remember what he says he’s always coming and it’s…”

“Us against the world,” Buck and Chris say in unison that well-known family phrases.

But Chris’ bottom lip sticks out as he speaks again. “But I’m still worried.”

_Me too, me too._ “You need to take some medicine,” Buck tells Chris, who is now lax and sleepy in his arms. He turns his towards Carla, “could you get them from the other room. If you don’t mind, Eddie’s dog tags are in my bedside table.”

Carla answers with a smile and a nod, before lowering the heat on the burner and getting the object she was asked for. It only takes a few minutes to find what she needs and she returns to find Chris huddled into Buck looking upwards at him as he is encased in Buck’s arms. She quickly hands off the things in her hands and returns to the pot of saltfish. Buck gives Chris spoonfuls medicine which he easily takes, his blinking becomes slower each time.

“Dad texted that you don’t have to go back to school yet, so when he’s home we’ll watch movies together,” Buck offers, trying to drown any worry in him. In his hands, the chain of the dog tags are wrapped around Buck’s fist, he takes a long look at it before placing it over Chris’ head and resting it on his neck. “Your Dad gave these to me, a couple of months after we started dating.” Unwinding his fingers from the chain, Buck holds the flat of the dog tags, breathing in as he looks at Chris, “these prove your Dad can do anything,” he tells Chris.

“Yeah?” Chris asks, with his eyebrows furrowed just like his father still looking up at Buck before closing his eyes.

“Yeah. You hungry?” he enquires and all he receives is a barely-there shake of Chris’ head. He taps the side of Chris' arm to wake him again. “Then let’s get you to bed. I’ll stay until you fall asleep.” And he does, then eats dinner with Carla and helps with some things he can do, having a quick chat with Eddie and goes to bed.

* * *

It isn’t Chris’ nightmare that wakes him, he’s been awake for hours, the coldness from Eddie’s side of the bed hinders any type of sleep and only serves to remind him that Eddie, his other half, is on a shift and he is infected by the memories of the danger that can happen on shift. He hears the screaming ‘Mom, Mom, Mom!’ it rips through him. A lukewarmness settles in his stomach and tears spring to his eyes, he’d do anything to take Chris’ pain away,

Shaking out of himself, Buck swings his lower half over the bed and starts to prepare himself to move out of the pitch-black room. As quick as he can manage, Buck gets his crutches under his arms and starts the routine of walking to Chris’ room.

Buck doesn’t notice anything around him on his race to Chris. When he reaches the door, he pushes it open and the sight of Christopher curled up into a fetal position and panting, stuck halfway between sleep and wakefulness confronts him, driving him further forward. He finds the desk chair with wheels and sits on it wheeling over to the bed, so he is facing Chris.

Gently, Buck pulls Chris out of his state who looks up at him as the absolute fear disappears recognising his Buck. With all the negative emotions no longer overtaking him, Buck helps to calm Chris down, his head finds its way to the pillow opposite Christopher's. Face to face, Buck fingers stroking his hair next to his ear while humming the same made-up song Maddie had sung to him when he was a child. With the aid of Buck, Chris falls back asleep, nose to nose with Buck.

* * *

**You don't really understand human nature unless you know why a child on a merry-go-round will wave at his parents every time around and why his parents will always wave back.**

_ **\- William D. Tammeus** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about this being late me and the English language are beefing. Y'all won't have to wait long for the next chapter, it's already written.
> 
> Kudos and comments are always appreciated.


	11. Be strong, saith my heart; I am a solider; I have seen worse sights than this

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> F-f-flashback

**My father’s face**

**five days dead**

**Is organised for me to see.**

**_-Ingrid de Kok_ **

* * *

The sky is a light grey contrasting against the bright greenness of the grass and the deep brown of the unearthed soil, unusual for California, Eddie notices as the priest’s sermon drones on; all of his mind is muddled, unable to concentrate on any thought for very long. His arm is so tightly wound around his son, that the tendons might snap, and he wouldn’t care, he just needs to know that Chris is there and the feel of his son against him, remedying some of that fear and pain. The chain that hangs on his wrist adds to easing some of those emotions, in it, he finds the person that brought it, Buck and their promise to each other. Focusing on a passing cloud as more of the speech fades away from his ears, he wants Buck here too, his fiancé is already too far away, he needs his support and his comfort; the one that embraced him for hours after Shannon’s death, the one that helped him tell his son that his mother had died and the one who organised all of this while he was catatonic from grief.

Chris’ fingers are playing with the buttons of his suit jacket as the clergyman speaks words that even an adult would struggle to understand. He had given up trying to listen after the first sentence, his focus changing to how the wood of the coffin matches the colour of the dirt and the gold embellishments are just as dull as the dirt, the sun hiding its natural shine. Even as he’s staring at the casket, Chris still is expecting his mother to join him, Dad and Buck for breakfast on the next day the two of them weren’t on shift, she was meant to take him to get a new toy before she left for a job interview later in the week. The boy barely out of infancy, can’t understand how his mother has been reduced to just a box.

The suit is making him feel claustrophobic; the shirt presses into his skin, the jacket’s stiffness restricting his movement and the pants are digging into his stomach. As his father's arm weighs on him a little bit, Chris wants Buck here too. He is so used to both, his father and Buck being there even before they were together and for almost a year his mother was there too. But with his eyes fixed on his mother’s coffins and everyone else but his father growing into the air around him, all he wants is his Dad and his Buck.

The only thing that gives the notion of time passing is the idea of vague sunlight, slowly inching behind the canvas of grey. Eddie’s brain snaps back to the cleric as he finishes preaching, reflecting on Shannon’s life- a mother and a wife- Eddie wants to let out a snort at that and he immediately feels guilty.

The man says the last words but Eddie’s brain won’t let him turn the sounds into information he’s able to understand, he knows that he and Chris have to get up and walk to the graveside. As the others get up and walk to the area, Eddie can see that Chris has become aware that they have to move too but the child remains a statue. Eddie can feel all the eyes on him and his son, and he clenches his jaw so tight that it’s painful while blinking the tears that want to fall from his eyes.

Eddie knows that he and Christopher have to go over there, it is only the encouraging look from Abelua and Peppa that gives him just enough strength. With uncooperative arms, he gathers up Chris in them and paces over to the coffin sat next to the open grave. In his arms and his head resting against his chest, Chris seems young, younger than his less than double digits years. Under his feet, Eddie can feel, the loose dirt and the constricting formal wear against expansion and compression of his lungs, but it also reminds him of what Buck had done, picked out this and Chris’ outfit so he didn’t have to think about it and all he wishes for is that this was a normal day- being on shift with Buck; Chris should be at school, at eight years old on a weekday he should be at school, not his mother’s funeral.

Everyone waits for Eddie and Chris to pick up the first handfuls of dirt, that’s when the restless sensation pours into his legs, he wants to run. Chris’ head turns up to his father, waiting for the thing he has to do in this unexplored country of this ritual.

Eventually, Eddie is able to pull the words out of him and directs them towards Christopher, “You’re gonna… You need to pick up some of the soil, then drop it on top of…,” Eddie lets his voice fade out, unable to verbalise the proof of Shannon’s death.

Chris goes to open his mouth and speak but no sounds make their appearance, instead, he just nods. Eddie nods back too, all the talking he can manage for now is done.

When the pot makes it over to them, both of their hands capture the dirt. As Chris holds his enclosed fist over the open hole that is home to his mother’s final resting place, Eddie has to look away over his shoulder as the image of his son’s tiny, infantile hands holding the dirt that is going to cover his mother’s coffin to stop the wet burn pricking behind his eyes. The full plod of the dirt and wood meeting makes Eddie flinch and a sole tear run through the frail blockade he had built up, with his son covering the hidden decaying form which housed, nurtured and constructed him, the both of them sharing that blood of life, with dirt- Eddie has to turn away as the final clotting of their shared essence of life found in blood takes place in the housing of Shannon’s final resting place. At his reaction, Eddie can feel his son; lean more into him, this time turning his face away from everyone else, trying to find the source of what he needs in his father's steady heartbeat.

Then all eyes are on him, waiting. Eddie knows he would take his time; to commit to memory the last image of Shannon, watch the dirt fall from his hands and trickle through the air and splatter onto the flat wooden surface that the corpse that used to be Shannon. But Eddie doesn’t do that, he acts quickly throwing down the soil and turning so he can only hear the heavy pit pats.

“Do… I can’t stay here any longer but do you want to stay until it’s over?” Eddie asks his son, whispering in his ear as the man finds the eyes of his Abuela. All the boy does is shake his head and grip tighter on to his father. Eddie starts moving before the next person even has a hold of the soil taking two steps at a time, grabbing the crutches along the way. There are only two things running through his mind: his son and the basic need to get as far away as possible from this event. As he moves the bright emerald macabre grass changes to cold unforgiving cement as he moves through the curved wrought iron gates. The blacked polished leather of his shoes starts to display a dull grey sheen as he walks further down the street getting near to the refuge of the enclosed space of his car. Against him, Chris has moved further into his father but he is remaining silent. With every step, the heat behind his eyelids increases trying to compel him to let go of the facade he had built up. Then finally after what seems like an eternity, Eddie sets the wing mirror of his car only a few footsteps away, like a mirage.

Suddenly, he is standing by the driver’s side door. Staring at himself holding his son in the window; Eddie can’t even recognise his own reflection, there is something so foreign in his face and he cannot pinpoint what it is. It is only the quiet snuffling from Chris that drags him out of the snare. A non-compliant body, that is too stiff, makes it so much more difficult- his fingers are numb as they dig around in the pocket of his pants looking for his keys that will unlock the door to the shelter that the car houses.

After half a minute, Eddie finally attains a loose grip on the keys; with rubbery digits, he crudely pushes down on the button of the fob. The click of the lock sounds more than it ever had before, ringing in Eddie’s ear too loud, digging its claws into his brain. His hand finds their way to the handle and pulls while the other one holds his son taut against his body, the door is only open a hair’s breadth as he jumps in. Under him the seat, the leather feels as cold and as stiff as he does. Christopher is sat in his lap, back against the steering wheel and his head is turned sideways, his ear listening to the constant uniform beating of Eddie’s heart. Wrapped in freedom from expectations, the anaesthesia of Eddie’s feelings dissolves in one solid cycle of breathing.

Then it starts flooding.

Eddie moves his hand to cradle his son’s head, his body heaving with effort as sobs choke out of him. The hacking cries are so harsh, that Eddie is struggling to get any real sort of intake of breath. Without any sense but what is instinctual, Eddie tightens his arms around Christopher, trying to protect him from everything in this world. The cries continue on, tears streaming down his cheeks dripping onto his shirt and Chris’ hair. Every time he tries to stop, they only seem to get more violent: his heart, lungs, stomach, skin and eyes all reacting with heightened vigour. He knows he shouldn’t be doing this in front of Chris, right now the boy needs a strong father; that thought starts to bound around his mind and the feeling in the pit of his stomach that is burning like a gasoline fire fest worse, but even the concept of letting his son go, makes him want to turn into a feral animal and curl up into the fetal position. Eddie wants Buck and their post hard call out cuddle session, where the most affected one gets to use the other like a weighted blanket. All he wants right now is Buck lying on top of him, the weight of him helping to suppress the overwhelming cortisol in his system. He already has one of the two people he needs, so all Eddie wants right now is the man, his lover, his fiancé next to him and by proving his existence by being with him. Out of control, the wails carry on like a riptide through him and all he can do is hold on to his son and bury his rapidly swelling face in Chris’ hair, needing to feel more of the living warmth of his child to contrast to the moribund iciness of what this intensity of feelings was situated around. Chris presses back into his father, feeling the shuddering of his rib cage as Eddie closes his swollen eyes hiding the lost dazed look that is inhabiting alongside his tears.

On the side of his face, Chris’ small hand has made an appearance, mirroring Eddie’s efforts. “I miss mom, too,” Christopher murmurs, before starting to cry too, the sounds coming out are hardly audible but Eddie can feel them, the bird bones of Christopher’s chest throbbing with the feat. All he can do at that is cry convulsively, grasping his son even stronger.

Another round of thoughts move around his brain, trying to tell him that Chris doesn’t need to see him like this, weak and he needs to be the strong one not only for his son but for Buck too. Reminded of one of the first lessons his father had taught him, it is his job to be the head of the family, when his father dies, and to be the head of his own, right now. Then in his mind’s eye, he can hear the determined voice of Buck’s- telling him that he doesn’t always have to be the protector, he can be the one being cared for. 

Eddie is grateful that his family is here and that they have come down from Texas but they don’t really know the person he is now. Peppa and Abuela do and he loves them freely as he does with all his family but they are the ones that know about Buck; they were some of the people who said ‘finally!', or we already thought you were together,’ when they had found out or been told about them as _Buck and Eddie._ His family provides a little relief but it was nothing like what Buck easily exudes by ton through just existing. 

All he wants is Buck.

All he needs right now is his son, his lover and his home.

He wants, needs, the living evidence of his people, the intimate members of his family under his fingers.

The sky has been slowly adopting a darker hue and small drops of rainwater are hitting the windscreen. From what Eddie assumes is exhaustion, Chris has stopped crying, settling into his father’s neck dozing, deeply. The full of life green grass locked behind the pitch black of the heavy iron fence that hides beneath it- the rows and rows of coffins encased in the dirt, giving life to the growing blades. Only the light grey headstones give any inclination of the soulless world that exists underground.

Behind him, Eddie can hear the stampede, full of muted lamentation getting closer, by the second. He sends a quick darting of his eyes to the wing mirror, hopelessly attempting to pull himself together as his sisters, mother and father get nearer. Desperately, wiping at his face to move the tears away to appear composed, but they are only replaced by more tears and laboured breathing. To his ease, they are stopped by Abeula from getting any closer to the car from where they are now- a foot away from the car by the palm tree. Eddie turns his head into Chris, clinging onto the boy again.

Then his Abuela and Peppa make a sudden appearance. By the car, one of them flanking each side. Both of their features are softened, regarding him with the empty warmth of pity and consoling compassion. Eddie gazes into the eyes that belong to his Abeula and in them, he feels even younger and vulnerable than he already was. In that sea of feelings, he finds security but it is nowhere near the kind that Buck’s presence provides without any effort at all. Eddie watches her hand grip around the handle and hears the changing positions of the locks.

The fresh air burns as it pricks at his skin. It forces Eddie to look at where it’s coming from. Even though a person is standing there, a gap wide enough for his person to fit through exists. “Get in the back,” Abeula tells him, her voice firm but caring while noting how swollen his face was.

Eddie finds his keys and holds them tight in his hand choking down a sob- a shudder works in his body before he speaks, and he’s trying to catch his breath. “I… need to drive, we’re all going to your house,” he gets out his tongue getting caught on some of the words and pushes. Against him, Christopher is still sleeping, snuggles into his chest. 

“You’re not going to let go, and you can’t drive like this. Get in the back,” she tries to demand carefully, imposing her familial will on him.

He just shakes his head defiantly childlike. His mouth opens but Peppa intercepts, “get in the back with your son. You shouldn't have to let go of him at a time like this. The day isn’t over yet- you’re always so strong, Eddie- you were made to be but your son and Buck need you to be here and safe, and you're not fit to drive,” she informs him after opening the door on the side opposite him.

Eddie nods his head, muscles melting away tensions becoming replaced with compliance. Feeling the sensation that he does not belong to his body- Eddie holds on to his son and moves woodenly out of the car. The shoes on his feet grate against the concrete of the sidewalk as he shuffles to the back of the car.

Eddie stands in front of the door, just staring at it blankly as memories pass through his brain- how Shannon got him and Buck together, the two of them attending Chris’ award ceremony for Cadets and Citizens of the future, taking their son out to the zoo, that day at the beach.

That day at the beach, when she had told him that she was leaving next week and she was intimidated by the connection Buck and Chris have; she had told him that she was grateful for it but was also finding it hard to balance that with fact he was able to provide things she couldn't. Buck seemed to find himself in being a parent whereas she has always lost herself in it and no matter how hard she tried it wasn’t the same between mother and son. Eddie had tried to or explain to her that Chris had enough love to give that it could outweigh the world and it is shared between the three of them was like a drop in the ocean and she shared stuff with him that he and Buck didn’t.

Then a hand reaches out to him and he is pulled out of the reflective dazed, dropping keys into the waiting hand. The freehand he has encircled both his child and him, before opening the door on the side that has Chris’ booster seat. Using infinite care, Eddie deposits Chris into his seat leaning over him to lock the belt into place, he gently manoeuvres Chris’ head to a more comfortable place to sleep in.

Hesitantly, Eddie pulls himself out of the car, not wanting to be away from his son for even seconds. With shaking tendons, he closes the door behind him, burning on his skin starts instantaneously, so hot Eddie wants to claw his own skin off. As fast as his feet can carry him, Eddie gets to the other door- quickly, pulling open the door and hoping in with the vigour of sadness. Seeking out Chris while he settles himself in the leather of the car, he encases the little hand in his own- needing something to believe his little family can find their equilibrium again. In his periphery, the car comes to life, but that has no real bearing on Eddie. The slightness of Chris’ hand comforts him but also serves to remind him of the little time he has been existing, compared to his multiple decades and how much he has already had to deal with.

One last glance is given to Chris, Eddie rests his head against the window, vibrations buzzing through him, his hand is still holding Chris’ adding to his own body heat. As the car continues, driving down the road, a lull deepens, running rampant through his body. Then all at once, it hits him. The stress, anxiety and despair transforming to complete, all-encompassing exhaustion. And like a candle, he falls asleep in a mere breath and that flame with no job but to power, instability is out. With barely a sound made, both Peppa and Isabel sigh relief. The drive carries on in silence until they reach home.

* * *

Eddie comes out of sleep slowly, rousing to Peppa’s voice, telling him to wake up. Blinking out the cloudiness of sleep, he realises he is looking at the front of his Abuela's house. With eyes still dry from the quick nap, Eddie starts to try and wake his son, all Chris does in return is make a noise of refusal and turn his head away from the intrusion. So instead of continuing on, Eddie makes the move to pick up Christopher but he is stopped by the sudden manifestation of his father and the loom of him blocking out any light.

The older man waits for his son to react and eventually after a few seconds of a dazed look, he receives a slow unsure nod. Far too quickly, Christopher is bundled in his Abuelo's arms and out of Eddie’s sight as his father turns his back and walks into the house. With his son out of his sight, Eddie can hear his heart beating in his ears, drowning out all other sound, while remaining hunched over and his tongue feeling too big for his mouth. He keeps repeating that Chris is safe again and again in his mind but it doesn’t make the worry that is beating with him lessen but increases as he remembers the unnatural possessive claim his father has over _his son_ and the fact that Buck is on shift without him.

“...ie. Eddie,” Peppa says, her voice gentle trying to get his attention. Realising, he is still sitting down, Eddie shakes his head and slowly with his body in refusal he gets out of the car. As he walks over to the grass verge that lays outside of the house’s landlines, he can feel the gravel trapped in the tread of his shoes.

Before he gets to the gate, he is stopped by Isabel. “Call him,” she commands him but Eddie looks into the open door at his parents and sisters, opening his mouth but before any words can come out she starts to speak again. “I need help preparing the food. Just call him, you need him, Eddie. More than any other person here but Chris. Both Me and Peppa are here, nothing will happen to your son,” she finally adds, feeling what Eddie feels about Ramon and Christopher as well.

And like that, he is left alone.

Fifteen miles away, Buck is driving the truck with an unconvincing smile on his face. His concentration is divided slightly as his phone buzzes against his leg, not wanting to take his hands off the wheel, he gets Hen’s attention, “My phone is ringing, It’s either Maddie or Eddie, can you get it for me.”

Hen rolls her eyes, the action even more visible through her glasses but does as she is asked. Pulling at the Velcro of the side pocket, she finds the active phone. On the screen, a picture of Eddie and Chris at Halloween appears. “It’s your boy,” Hen tells him, feeling the pulses of vibration in her hand and down her arms. Hen can feel Bobby’s gazes on her and Buck, worry permeating through the metal of the vehicle. 

At her words, Buck’s eyes widen slightly and his grip on the steering wheel tightens. “Can you…?,” Buck gestures to his headset and it is peeled off his head and is replaced by a phone to his ear and traps it there between his shoulder.

“Hey,” Eddie says, his voice crackling the words. Buck can feel that he had been crying and was close to crying again, and he can’t help but feel guilty for being here and with him, even if they had agreed now was not the right time to tell Eddie’s parents.

“Hey,” Buck replies, trying to keep the worry out of his voice as it will only make Eddie feel worse, “ is everything okay?”

“Yeah. Well, no. My dad… I just needed to hear your voice,” Eddie tells him, but the effort in his voice reminds Buck of begging and pleading more than anything else.

“I’m good. We just finished a call out, some kid set a fire alarm off to get out of a test,” Buck says answering the question, Eddie was trying to ask without words.

Eddie takes a deep breath before speaking again, “I miss you. I don’t know how I would do this without you. You’ve done everything for me and Chris these past few weeks, you shouldn’t be at Maddie’s.”

“Eddie, I miss you too. But everything I have done is just as much for me as it is for you and Chris, I like… love taking care of you two. Staying at Maddie’s is only temporary and you don’t need to worry about anything else but getting to the end of today,” as he is saying the words, he can feel the rest of the squad make gooey eyes at him.

Buck’s words flow through him, softening every single cell in his body, he can no longer feel his heart trying to jump out of his chest. He spends a few seconds reflecting on those words, guilt seeping into him. Buck is always there for him and no one but the fire family and his little LA-based family appreciates what he should be shouting from the rooftops. Finally, he starts to talk, “I love you, you know that right?” Eddie tells Buck, desperately seeking both comfort and to assuage his guilt.

“I do. I love you, too,” Buck tells him back with all his energy powered by the overwhelming emotion, he makes a light sigh, “but it’s nice to hear.”

Eddie is still outside of the house, when his sister calls him, he looks his shoulder nodding before turning back to his phone. On the other side of the phone, Buck can hear Eddie sighing. “I have to go but I’ll call you later,” Eddie’s voice emits with the same vitality as the sighs.

Buck is about to say his own goodbyes but out of the corner of his eyes, he can see the others sending conspiratory looks to each other. Before Eddie can have the chance to put his finger on the button, Buck calls out “Eddie, wait!”

Quickly, Hen pulls the phone away and puts him on speaker. Eddie opens his mouth but before any sound can come, he is met by a chorus “we love you too, Eddie,” coming from Bobby, Hen and Chimney.

A little laugh comes from the man, a watery undertone floats into his voice, “Wow! Thanks, guys, um… the feeling’s mutual. I’ve really got to go,”

Then a second later, Buck is met by silence from his phone.

* * *

It is the next day and the sun is in its usual place, high and in the sky beating down heat.

Eddie doesn’t want to be here with all these people, he wants to be at home with only Buck and Chris, just having a normal day. He doesn’t want to feel the judgement, the pity and the fear from the eyes watching his every move.

As Eddie walks past Chris he grips his shoulder for a second, earning a look up at him and in turn, he gives a half-smile nod then carries on to his mother as Chris interacts with his cousin.

Standing next to his mother at the buffet table, he gives his son a glance before speaking with both a happy and sad smile, “ he is growing up, way too fast.”

“Mm, he was so brave yesterday at the funeral,” his mother tells him, and Eddie grits his teeth as he can’t but take it as a dig against him.

“Bravest kid I know,” he tells her back, using all of what he feels for Chris, to not start an argument.

His mother puts a hand on his shoulder before she speaks, “yep, just like his father.”

Eddie knows he shouldn’t get all the credit, everyone, that helps in raising Chris should. The boy has so many, good, strong and brave role models apart from him: Athena, Buck, Bobby, Chimney, Carla, Maddie, Karen, Peppa, Isabel and Shannon. “His mom was pretty brave, too,” he reminds her as they walk to the table where everyone is sitting.

“How, by running out on him?” his father bites out, a clearly unpleasant look on his as mother and son sit down at the table.

“Ramon!” Isabel chastises, quicker than Eddie can form words but he is able to furrow his eyebrows at his father.

Eddie clenches his jaw and shakes his heads slightly before speaking, “Papi, we’re not doing this.” He tells his father with more conviction than the man had ever heard from his son towards him.

Eddie’s confidence makes Ramon frown and pulls into himself a bit, “I apologise.”

He is about to breathe a sigh of relief and let some of the stress melt away, settling in his chair finally. Then he hears his mother’s voice, trying to remain light and helpful, “look, honey..” the pause worries Eddie even more and his eyes move up from his plate to her face. “We know Shannon loved Christopher.”

“Of course, Mom,” he clips plainly, shrugging his shoulders and looking down his nose at her.

The woman nods slowly, biting her lip as she chooses her next words. “Okay, but she’s gone…. and you're a single father, again, okay, and the hours you work, Eddie, come home,” she says to him, somewhere between begging and a command.

“To El Paso?,” indignation hangs on every word and a smile too big to be from anything but bitterness to match.

His father intercepts, using his voice like he was talking to a child, “Texas has fires too. You could join a department there.”

Eddie lets the anger that is burning a hole in his gut spew into his throat, his father is trying to get his hooks into Chris again. “Right, is that why you flew down here, huh?” he demands, shaking his head, leaning with his chest forward into their personal space accusation on every word.

They weren’t here to support him, they were here to make him do what they want. What his father wants. They weren’t offering the easy and actually helpful support that his people in LA are. They weren’t the ones who picked him up off the floor, that was Buck. Unable to stop it, he lets it all pour out of him, “Not for the funeral, but to bring us back was that the plan?” he asks, acid filling every word, shaking his head as he looks from his parents to his sisters.

“Yeah, and we could help you and Christopher would be close to family and could have a life there,” his mother offers like it’s easy for him to leave everything he’s building.

“We have a life here, and family,” he tells them because clearly they’ve forgotten who is sitting on the other side of the table.

“Thank you, Eddie. We are sitting right, here,” Isabel tells her son, with narrow eyes and pressing her lips together after finishing speaking.

Eddie inclines his head towards them and nods. “They are not my only… people, here. I’m with someone and I won’t uproot Chris again,” Eddie says, his voice getting misty as he thinks about Buck.

Ramon looks taken aback with the new information but he leans forward resting his arms on the table. “Christopher hasn’t been here long enough to put down roots- he spent the first six years of his life in El Paso with us. How long have been with this woman, huh, you were married, Eddie?”

But, Eddie refuses to feel guilty for his relationship with Buck and liking his life that isn’t new anymore, he wants to be here. “Dad. Papi. It’s not that simple, I’m still a probationary firefighter. I’m so close to earning my shield. You want me to throw away the past year of my life. Me and Shannon agreed we are better off as just Christopher’s parents, not husband and wife, months ago, over a year, we were getting a divorce.” He tells them like they have any right to decide how he lives his life. “I’m not going to throw away a year of my relationship, they don’t deserve that. They are good for me. Being with me is what’s best for Chris. I chose this life for a reason,” he says trying to leave no room for anything else.

But as always his father forces room for himself, “you could choose another one.”

Eddie laughs without any humour, “if this is how you are acting, I can’t wait until you find who I’m with.” His last act is to get up with his place, sending a glance to Peppa and kissing his Abuela on the cheek, after he starts to walk to Chris.

His sister catches his left arm as he is about to step on to the grass, she looks up at him and the usual tightness in her face that she only saves for him is gone. “It’s a guy, isn’t it. The person you’re with is a man,” she states rather than asks.

He nods, keeping his back towards the rest of his family and carries on towards his son. All of his actions seem robotic, his brain using autopilot to drive his body while going over that fact that he had just come out to the most judgemental people in his life.

Since getting with Buck he had had a series of coming outs:

Getting caught making out in the cleaning closet at work with Buck’s hand down his pants, only to be met with finallys, congratulations and Bobby telling them to wash their hands before touching anything in his house ever again.

Telling Peppa and Abeula over dinner after Chris had said something that couldn’t be denied, only to be astounded by rounds of ‘I already thought you were together.’

Even the PTA moms at Chris’ school have been weirdly supportive and interested after they had heard him and Shannon weren’t together but he and another man were.

But after what happened to Rosa a couple of years ago, coming out to his parents was more terrifying than running into a burning building without his gear. Eddie bites his tongue as his mind provides that he’d gotten engaged again without so much as a word to them. In the past year, mainly due to Buck but also the whole the fire family he had found a life outside of being Ramon’s son, grew more into himself and learnt who he is and not what his father taught him to be. His father was so proud to have a son in the army and all Eddie can think about is DADT, don’t ask don’t tell. None of them asked, so he didn’t tell.

At the table, Ramon is shaking his head. “A man,” he starts to shout, gritting his teeth as he remembers that they are other people outside of what he considers the intimate circle of his family and quietens his voice but does not lessen the agitation, “and you let him do this,” he remains on a tirade, pointing at his mother. “This just proves he needs to come home.”

“Papi!”

“Ramon!”

“Ramon!”

“Ramon!”

The women all call out from an ensemble, but all their emotion in their voice comes from very different places. But Peppa and Isabel look at him through narrow eyes and distinctively raised eyebrows.

Isabel moves her tongue through her teeth. “Your son is a grown man and Chris is his child. Okay, you don’t get to control their lives, no matter how much you want to, I won’t let you. Buck, the person that he’s en… dating is a good person.”

“It doesn’t matter. He shouldn’t be- not as a parent.” He states all venom, as he grips the table.

“He’s good for Edmundo, he calms him. He’s good for Chris too. Can’t you see even through all this, that Eddie is lighter and that all is Buck. He finally has someone who understands him- Shannon didn’t, not enough. No one else can do that. Chris is so different from who he was when he came here. That’s not just him being a child, that is Buck and others, but Chris learns from the two of them, every day. The two of them are good parents.” Isabel tells her son, disappointment echoing in every word.

“I have nothing against the gays but a child should be raised by a mother and a father or close as possible.” He replies to his mother as though that is the only thing she has a problem with. Sighing, she looks into the house and her eyes form recognition for a second before telling her family that heat is getting to her, so she is going to have a lie-down.

“Christopher is not your second chance, Ramon. Given the chance, you’ll destroy him like you did to Eddie. And Helen, like the _good wife she is,_ she’ll let you.” Peppa spits out, having witnessed Eddie without the influence of his father and she now knows the real him. “You haven’t been here, _Hermano_. They’ve put down roots. Eddie has a job, a career with a boss that’s got his back, good friends that would do anything for him and a partner who would do the same. Hell, when Mami broke her hip, the whole of his station looked after Chris without a second thought and it was Buck, his partner, who made sure of that. The man before they were even together, organised a trained carer to look after Chris while Eddie was on shift, have you ever met Carla? Chris has got more friends than he can count from school and other firefighter kids, he is in clubs with other children and winning awards. What would you have him do, in El Paso, huh? The only thing you would let him do is go to school, they actually treat him like a person and not a broken object. They are safe and settled here, don’t ruin that for them.” Peppa carries on getting angrier with each passing sentence, her brother wants control more, than he wants his son happy.

Eddie’s father huffs a sigh while biting his tongue, realising he wouldn’t get anywhere. He moves his head checking for his wife, then his daughters, then their children and lastly his son and his son. But he doesn’t find them, instead, his phone flashes a text from his missing progeny.

**_We went home._ **

**_Chris doesnt need to hear his grandfather badmouth his family._ **

**_You can come back if and when you start to respect my life._ **

**_If you cant find a hotel or go home._ **

**_I dont care._ **

All the older man can think about is when had the man, Eddie, is involved with become a part of his family. The patriarch shakes his head, he’d taught Eddie the correct values. He had taught Eddie right from wrong. He had taught his son about the obligations and he was shirking that in favour of _experimenting_ . He not only has the responsibility of Chris, to keep his childhood safe, happy and _normal_ but the whole family as he was the son of the eldest son, it would be his duty to make sure that all of them were living their most comfortable lives. He is the one who has to make sure none of the dangers of the world ever got them.

* * *

**You must not think my father valued me at less than a king’s ransom; but, no more than a king’s ransom.**

**_-Angela Carter_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aren't Eddie's parents something, huh?
> 
> So quite a few of you have subscriptions, and I'm filled with the mortifying ordeal of being known but, hey guys, girls and non-binary pals.
> 
> I made a [Twitter](https://twitter.com/Gaia_M4x) cause I haven't been on Tumblr recently.
> 
> As always, kudos and comment are appreciated.


	12. This above all: to thine own self be true.

**All my care is you, and all my pleasure is yours.**

_ **\- Sophocles** _

* * *

As his hands grip the steering wheel and his feet are only an inch away from the pedals, Eddie drives on autopilot, going home. Chris is subdued, quiet on the drive, playing on Eddie’s phone as the car moves through the streets. Taking the usual turns, he ends up at the parking lot of the firehouse. He pulls the car into a space and stretches, making his elbows straight as he dips his heads in between his arms as he takes, as quiet as he can, deep breath. Starting at his fingertips, he slowly rolls out his muscles, coming back to face out of the window and unhooking his seatbelt with sore hands and a wanting heart. Then he turns to look at Chris, who is still engrossed with the game he is playing, but as he looks over, he sees that he is no longer playing but is texting Buck, that little detail brings a forlorn smile to his face that has the corners turned down.

Taking tender care, Eddie pushes a strand of hair escaping, the carefully done hairstyle he had given him earlier, back to his forehead, earning a wide-eyed and polite look up at him that makes him seem younger and more sensitive, for Eddie he feels more of that need, the responsibility to make sure none of his two most important people hurt, to keep them away from all of what the world wants to throw at them and he needs to keep them protected and untouched by the worse things in the world -knowing from experience that humans are the worst kind of animals- as both of them have such a disposition that if the dirty hands of the world get near it, they’ll take that away. And he knows he cannot lose either one of them too. He is barely coping with the cold hard truth that his wife, ex-wife, his family, one of his best friends is gone.

Chris, still looking up at his father with awe written on his cheeks and in his eyes, after waiting for him to speak but he doesn’t hear any sounds so he whispers “why are we here?” leaning into Eddie as he unhooks his seatbelt.

Mustering up the strength, Eddie smiles at Chris, brushing the hair behind his ears while he tells him, “We are going to see Buck.” Forming a slight cradling of Chris’ head, trying to hide the shakiness of his hands, keeping the half forced, half sincere smile on his face, “Bobby would have baked by now. You can get something sweet to eat,” he offers, trying to convince his son, that it will help with the feelings no child should have to bear.

With lethargy running through him, making his muscles sore and unforgiving, Eddie gets out of the car and walks around behind the car to Chris. He has to swallow the thick sheet saliva coating his tongue and wipes his damp hands on his pants then opens the door and helps his son out. Taking a minute, Eddie grips the handle on the inside of the door and searches for a gulp of air, then gives a stretched grimace that is meant to be a smile down to Christopher and bundles him up in his arms. As he is moving Chris from the car to the ground, he knows he should remind him of ‘strong legs’ but he can’t his words failing him, getting caught in the freshly covered grave in his throat. Instead, when Chris’ feet touch the ground he just squeezes his shoulder and supports him in place as he stretches through the car to pick up his crutches. Quickly, he hands them to Chris, helping to get him comfortable. Eddie steps back and waits until he receives a beautifully convinced look at him when Christopher forms a firm and sure grip around the handle of the crutches.

Slowly, with the fatigue of morning informing each step, the father and son continue on their journey to the inside of the firehouse, the family, to Buck. Next to him, Eddie can hear the bottom of Chris’ crutches whack against the cement and feel the sombre blistering swell of heat on the back of his neck. The sensation travels through his body, dripping down, pricking at his skin to the waiting child-like state that wants to break out and demand attention, the attention he gives to Christopher, without any enforced expectation of how he should behave, but he suffocates the want putting his focus on his son and letting his body lead him into the firehouse, a constant in his life, a completely unchanging place that is full of acceptance of Eddie Diaz that he had never received from _them._

As the glint of the sun on the glass of the door gets near, Eddie looks up and sees the door within reach to open. His hand shakes for just a moment as it halts in the air as he moves towards the handle of the entrance door, eventually he forms a grasp and pushes it open.

The two of them are instantly met by the usual hubbub of the station. Driven by instinct, Eddie wraps a curled hand around the back of Chris’ neck as he leads him to the main floor of the house. It doesn’t take longer than half a second for Eddie to pick Buck out of the sea of identical uniforms. Buck turns around at the knowing pleasure of Eddie’s eyes locked on him, watching him. The two of them stare into the other’s eyes. And Eddie melts for a few seconds before everything comes back full force. The current happiness written on Buck’s face becomes overridden with a tilt of his head and a youthful but hard-worn furrowing of his brows. He quickly drops the sponge he is using in the nearest bucket and starts to walk over to the pair. Eddie does the same with Chris in toe, walking over to Buck with lactic acid burning in his calves and thighs.

Standing in front of each other, it is Buck, unburdened by the strain on the day, that bridges the gap, tugging Eddie into an enveloping hug with one hand on the small of his back and the other in between his shoulder blades. As though through, skin on skin contact, Buck becomes aware of the weight of Eddie’s feelings. He can feel the pure desperation soaking into his fingertips. Buck presses his lips to Eddie’s right temple, then he pulls away and holds Eddie by the shoulders and looks him directly in the face. 

Eddie roams all of Buck’s face, seeing the pursed lips, the bobbing of his Adam's apple and feels the clamping grip on his shoulders. He watches as Buck’s mouth opens, hearing him ask “What happened?” 

Instead of answering, Eddie just shakes his head and throws a glimpse towards Christopher. So Buck unwillingly, moving at a snail’s pace, takes his arms off of Eddie and moves to the side and bends down to Chris’ level. He gives Chris a big, animated classic Buck smile waiting until he receives one back, gathering Chris up in his arms, swinging him around until a shrill, squeaky giggle erupts from Chris.

The little scene is interrupted, with speed on its side, by the booming voice of Bobby coming from the balcony. “Buckley! That doesn’t look like cleaning the truck.”

Placing Chris down, Buck gives both of them a soft, comforting hesitant look as he turns back to his task. Now, he is working with a little more energy and vigour then he was before.

Still up on the balcony, leaning over the railing, Bobby calls out, “Diaz! Get up here.”

Following the instruction, Eddie and Chris move to the stairs of the balcony. Eddie, with heaviness in his lungs, walks behind Chris as they climb the stairs. The others are crowded upstairs Bobby standing at the counter of the kitchen and has a vantage point of them coming up the stairs, he can see the hefty expression settled into their features. There is also something in how Eddie is carrying himself that tells Bobby his stress baking, he had been doing wasn’t without reason. Chris and Eddie reach the floor and like all the firefighter children, Chris makes the well-known journey to the couch and sits next to Chimney, joining in on watching TV, Hen gets up and walks off to the washroom. Faltering for a second, Eddie is stuck with not wanting to let Chris go and seeing Bobby trying to make eye contact through narrowed eyelids but he does eventually find the strength to carry on. As he rounds the final corner to the counter, Bobby hands him a mug of coffee.

Under his careful watch, Bobby allows Eddie a moment to centre himself and gives a cinnamon roll to Chris. Finally, with a bowed head, like a rabbit peeking out of a burrow, Eddie looks up at Bobby, creating excuses and reasons as to why he’s here and not sitting at the table with his father and his enablers. Increasing the tightness of grip on the handle as anger starts to beat through him, his brain is stuck on the assumption that he would fall in line and move back to Texas without even consideration just because his father had commanded him to do so. Eddie knows that the order was planned the second that they had learnt of Shannon’s death, all of them sat around listening to his father’s puppeteering.

Bobby approaches like you would a wild horse, quiet and slow, with breath hitching in his throat. “What are you doing, here?” he inquires, getting ever so slightly closer to Eddie. There is something about Eddie’s expression, the widening of his eyes being the main focal point, that shows an occurring of consuming grief and bringing forth an uneasiness of being continuously overwhelmed as that state that is always there in the background to the forefront.

“Nothing,” Eddie smiles back but as he is watching, Bobby feels uncomfortable, it is far too stretched and pleading.

Softening his features and voice like he was reasoning with a toddler, Bobby walks even closer to Eddie. “You wouldn’t be here if it was nothing. You wouldn’t look like this, either,” he tells Eddie while gesturing to Eddie’s face with a flick of his hand.

Trying to keep it all in, Eddie looks at the back of Chris’ head then at Buck’s profile and all his feelings break through the dam. Swallowing the excessive amount of saliva, blinking away the wall of tears in his eyes, he shakes his head. “My Dad… My sister. She told him… them about Buck and he freaked out,” he says, keeping his voice barely audible, with his son close enough to hear, if he was paying attention.

With trembling hands, Eddie runs one through his hair. He captures his tongue in his teeth and shakes his head with more heat and Bobby reaches over, placing his mug down, covering Eddie’s hand while giving him an encouraging nod. Just as he is letting go, Bobby gives Eddie’s hand a little squeeze. Bobby tries to bury the heat in his chest but he can’t help but feel anger at Ramon, the man he’s never met, no parent should make their child feel like this, less than. He can tell himself and Athena, till he’s blue in the face that he only feels this strongly- the flames in his chest becoming white-hot- because he knows them and sees the effect it has on them but they both know that’s it's because let these four people fill the hole his children left behind.

Hen comes back, walking past Chimney and Chris straight into the kitchen after hearing the tail end of their conversation. Edging into their conversation by leaning against the counter, having a more extensive and varied insight to parents dealing with a ‘problem’ like this. After being stuck between wanting to blurt out reassurances, rights and giving comfort that is soundless but just as loud but she knows, that especially with Eddie, speaking without forethought in a situation like this is more than a bad idea. Unable to find proper words to articulate what she needs to, Hen just gives him a firm grip on his shoulder paired with a small but energetic upwards turn of her mouth. Lingering for a few seconds then settling against the counter again, maintaining some kind of involvement while waiting for her brain to form a band-aid over the hurt only a parent can cause to their child.

“How did she find out?” Bobby asks, aware that Eddie has been keeping most of his life away from that side of his family. Backing off, Bobby gives Eddie space allowing him to fill it however he wants to.

“I was playing the pronoun game,” Eddie says, shaking his head and running his tongue under his teeth. “She just announced it, at the table,” telling them as a sad bite crawls into his voice, starting to take over. “Who… Why do that, she knows what Papi is like.”

“She shouldn’t have. That isn’t fair to you,” Bobby states, heavy with conviction, the same way you would tell a child well-done after they stopped a friend from doing something idiotic, as he gives Eddie steady eye contact.

Hen’s back is raised as she listens to what took place earlier. “It’s not just that,” Hen advises, strong and full of powerful sentiment, “No-one. No-one has the right to out you."

Ramon’s lessons kick in for Eddie, the ones about it being his responsibility to ‘protect the family’, “It’s not that serious, she just…” he minimizes.

Cutting in Hen leaves Bobby with an open mouth. “No, Eddie it is. There are consequences of her doing that, the wrong person finds out or it happens at the wrong time, you could have lost your job… or been in danger. Or Buck. Even Chris. She knows what your dad is like and chose to do it anyway. You’ve just...You’re still… It should be your choice, especially with people you know aren’t going to take it well,” she says, keeping her quiet but still making her point loud and clear.

“She’s right,” Bobby tells Eddie, inclining his head towards Hen.

As Buck comes up the stairs, creaking with each step, Bobby gives Eddie a tender and firm pat on the back as he leaves to go back to his office. Eddie watches Buck stride closer to him, wanting him, wishing that the few seconds it is taking Buck would evaporate and be by his side, like sea and sand, instantly. The past few days since his parents and sisters had come into town have been stifling and unsettling, the ground was shifting under, some of that could be put down to the funeral and Shannon’s death but another part is that the only contact he had with Buck had been through a phone. It isn’t enough for him, he needs Buck next to him. The thought of moving back to Texas is stuck in his mind, just the thought of leaving Buck makes him physically sick.

Finally, Buck gets to Eddie and immediately Eddie pulls Buck's side flush against his, the two becoming one being. Using his only free arm, Buck reaches over and picks up Eddie’s mug. After a sip, Buck makes a face full of disgust then rests his head on Eddie’s shoulder, handing him back the mug, who takes a sip with a hum.

Eddie squeezes Buck’s hip, skin hidden by uniform, still strikes a blaze in both of them. “I only ever add sugar for you,” he tells Buck, now with a vice-like grip on him. Buck interlaces his fingers on top, giving Eddie the same assurances he’s giving him.

Staying just as they are, Buck and Eddie start talking to Hen about the boys in CCF. The topic only lasts for five minutes before Hen takes her cue to leave, Eddie slowly running his fingers up and down Buck’s stomach, they are known for their _public displays of affection_ but there seems to be an unusual intensity powering it. On her way out of the kitchen, she gives Eddie a pat on his arm.

Waiting a few seconds, Buck using that pause tp chose his line of action, deciding on one he brings Eddie into his arms. The embrace starts out with Buck’s arms clasped around Eddie’s shoulders as Eddie settles into it, letting some of the stress knitted into the very fibre of his muscles float away. Inch by Inch, Eddie moves his arms up to Buck’s neck and Buck easily relinquishes moving his arms to the base of his spine with his head on Eddie’s shoulder just watching his face, the changing expressions with each grain of time. The couple clings to each other, instead of holding on to memories that were keeping them sane for the last couple of days of existing without them within touching distance.

From where he is sat, Bobby is able to see them. As he watches, he can’t help but notice the easing in the structures of their bodies and it brings a small smile to his face, they have found a home in each other, knowing both of them like he does Bobby knows that it was hard building on rocky earth, digging until they hit something they could build on. With time going by, Bobby feels more like he’s visiting a forest, witnessing nature and yet not part of it.

Sitting next to Chris and Chimney, Hen takes a look at the couple feeling a fierce heat in her chest as she watches and thinks about the work Buck is trying to undo, what Eddie’s father had imprinted on his child. The bubble that the two have created seems to verge out form them, making her and by the looks of it Chimney, shifting, like an observer of wildlife, any involvement from her right now would be disruptive. 

After giving Eddie his moment, Buck pulls away, holding Eddie by the shoulder and looking straight into his wide eyes. Watching him, Buck observes each detail of his face, feeling the energy of his stance. “What happened? Can I-,” he starts to ask more, with worry infusing each sound coming from him.

“They found out. Not the...but about us,” Eddie answers, thinking about being nonchalant but knowing it won’t work with Buck before even trying it. “And they… Papi wants us to move back to Texas,” he finally manages it out, feeling the burn of guilt in his throat for even mentioning it to Buck.

“Ok,” Buck says, it is heavy and convincing, Eddie isn’t sure how to take it.

Eddie pulls away and rests against the counter, assessing Buck feeling the fight rise up in him without enough strength to commit to it. “Ok. Ok? What does that even mean? Are you not going to ask about Texas?” he asks in a quick session, Eddie opens his mouth to ask another question but is stopped by Buck.

As he cuts in Buck takes a soft, knowing and caring tone hiding the fear that is seated in him. “No, ‘cause I know the answer, already. I trust you,” Buck tells him, crossing the divide between them, walking into Eddie’s arms and staying there as he leans down and Eddie stretches to rest his chin on his head. Eddie has to blink away tears as Buck’s warmth hits him, the thought of leaving him is too much, let alone the actual act of doing it.

Eddie lowers his head to Buck’s ear, taking his time trailing his nose across Buck’s neck. “Why’d you have to be so, ugh,” Eddie whispers, his voice gaining some humour to it.

With a burning in his fingertips, Buck wants to keep Eddie there forever, healing any and as much hurt as he could. He knew as soon as Eddie’s parents told him they were coming for the funeral, that his father would do his usual work, whenever they talked about family his father would always come up and how he wasn’t living up to the standards he had set for him. Buck had done whatever he could to help because at a time like this Eddie didn’t need to deal with proving their relationship to a family so intent on judging, so he packed a bag that would last him ten days and left for Maddie’s, trying to cope with the ache in his chest.

Buck pulls back so he is nose to nose with Eddie, giving him a wide, cheeky smile. “It’s just part of my charm,” he says into Eddie’s mouth, finishing his sentence with a chaste kiss. Eddie waits for Buck to follow up, it’s not like they haven’t done more in front of their friends, but he doesn’t but just stays holding him and letting Eddie hold him. Eddie goes to open his mouth but instead swallows his words, bringing up a forced nature of humour that is stretched across his face.

Eddie’s smile is matched by him pushing his tongue through his teeth and bringing it back. “Yes, your mouth is very charming,” Eddie teases, whispering even lower while Buck opens his mouth and closes it with a display but with very little actual offence. The words he swallowed earlier come back bringing along need. “Come back home.”

Buck wants to, he really wants. “They’re only here for four more days, Eddie. It’s not… we can wait that long,” Buck tells Eddie, not wanting to add any pressure that he is dealing with, Buck wants to be a source of comfort, not stress.

“They know about you. I don’t… I’m not going to make myself feel bad. They might not be coming back, just come home. I want you to come home,” he gives out, pouring words out of him, trying to bring his anchor back to him.

“Eddie, just think about it. You’re all hyped up. I don’t want to be the reason,” Buck tells him, forming a gentle grasp around his wrist trying to get Eddie to realise the gravity of what he is proposing. Shrugging out of it Eddie turns over Buck’s arms and drags his thumbs over pulse points, just letting the steady beat reassure him.

“I know what I’m doing. I need you. They made a judgment but it’s my life and I… I want this I’m sure,” Eddie states, having never been more sure of something in his life. “Look after shift, if I'm sure. And I will be, I’ll call you.” 

“Eddie, I…” Buck is immediately cut off as the bell rings through the house, making Buck bite his lip.

Eddie can see what Buck is feeling caught between an obligation and a responsibility. He knows he has to leave, so Eddie gives up his grip and gives him an encouraging nod, hiding a sad smile. “Go. Be safe, have fun.”

In almost an instant, Eddie is left in the empty shell of the firehouse. All that hopeful spirit Buck had given, starting to seep out of him, deflating him to how small he felt leaving his father’s grasp. The husk of the house reminds of the loneliness, he would have constantly felt without Buck, being the only person parenting Chris through their seas of grief. 

“Is Bucky coming home?” Chris asks, filling up the silence behind with needy, excited energy that Eddie can’t help but feel too, he wants, needs, his boys under his roof in the safety he can provide.

“Yeah, well. Yeah, I want him to and he wants to,” Eddie says sitting next to Chris.

“He didn’t… Why was he making sure you want him too?” Chris questions, turning his head to his father waiting for a reaction.

“He wanted to make sure I was ok… Abuelo doesn’t like Buck. Buck was making sure that I was ok with him and Abeulo being in the same house,” Eddie tells him, trying to give him enough information without giving too much.

“Why doesn’t Abeulo like him? He’s never met him,” Chris with that innocence that doesn’t understand what his grandfather is perpetuating.

Eddie can’t ruin that. He doesn’t have it in him to explain the attitudes of the world. So he just forces down the burning bubble in his throat and turns his head away to dry out his tears, pooling in his eyes. Once settled, Eddie turns back to shake his head giving Chris a lacklustre smile.

Only a moment later, his phone buzzes against his hip. With it, Eddie has to grit his teeth to stop himself from swearing out loud to relieve the knots tightening in his muscles. He knows he has to look at it, and the action he takes is so slow. Fumbling around his pocket, feeling the texture of the fabric grating against his hand. Then his hand hits the cold air, birthing goosebumps. Eventually, he does the mechanical movement to bring his phone into view, forcing him to read his father's message.

_Im sorry you feel the way u do_

_but we are family Edmundo. We are only here for 4 more days and would_

_Like to spend that time as a family._

_So we are not going to talk about it._

* * *

Ever since Shannon’s death, sleep had kept strange hours, Eddie and Chris alternate between sleeping more than twelve hours a day and barely more than three hours. Tonight is one of those nights where they get barely any sleep, Eddie has been sat in bed next to Chris for three hours, after having a whispered argument with his father. Chris was awake too, laying there letting his Dad draw his nails over his scalp.

Eddie is waiting for when he is sure that his mother and father had gone to bed and stopped redoing all the work Carla had put into organising it to make it as easy to use for all members of the house. He knows he should tell them to stop, that this is his house but he but can’t, there still his parents and his father is _his father,_ making it so all he remembers is the lessons he had been taught by him, most of them being some of the strongest memories since childhood, but he just doesn’t have enough stamina to do so.

Quietness fills the house, imbuing Eddie with a stillness, he grabs his phone off his table and sends a quick text to Buck, confirming that he wants him home. Aware that neither of them was going to sleep any time soon, Eddie throws Chris over his shoulders making him cry out with an infectious scream of laughter and walks into the living room. Setting him down and joining him, putting on a movie he knows Chris enjoys. Just as it’s moving through the opening credits he makes up some drinks and snacks for both of them.

An hour later, just as the movie is ending, Eddie gets a text from Buck asking if it's okay to come over now. Eddie feels both worried and happy at the prospect of Buck coming home early, but most of all he just wants Buck and Chris. Putting his phone away, Eddie pulls Chris into his side, waiting for Buck to come home.

Within the next twenty minutes, the door is being knocked, letting the two know that Buck is finally home. Chris loses interest with the TV and turns his head to his Dad with his wide eyes asking the question and Eddie gives a nod with a small smile. As he gets up and gently tugs on Chris’ hair and walks to the door to let Buck in. The time he takes to open the door seems to slow, he can’t wait for it to end, so he can finally feel his arms around Buck in their home again.

Eddie barely lets Buck in the door before he traps him against it and presses him into him. He gets lost in Buck’s mouth, his plump lips and the heat from his tongue. A few seconds later they pull away breathless, staring at the other with heaving chests as the usual noise of Chris walking getting closer to them. Eddie is just reminded of the weight he has been carrying; Buck being gone, Shannon being dead, being alone, having to be strong enough to deal with it, parenting Chris and how he wants the weight to go away or just to have the aid only Buck can provide. He just wants the aching to go away, he knows it’s going to take a while but ever since his family had come to town the ache seemed to grow.

Just as Chris reaches them, Eddie lets reality take over him. “Why are you here?” he asks with a smile, hiding fearful questioning as he laces his hand with Buck, looking to feel his pulse against his. Christopher walks in the middle of the two, looking up at them.

“Uh, Bobby sent me home. Said my head wasn’t in the game,” Buck says, tangling his hand more in with Eddie’s, trying to balance him as much as possible while also playfully running his hand through Chris’ hair, in return earning him a grin from Chris. Still hand in hand, they start walking to the abandoned living room. With each step, the two seem to migrate closer together as though the loss of contact would make the other a pillar of salt. On the sofa, the three boys arrange themselves like a pack, all on top of each other. Buck is where Eddie had placed him, with his back against the back of the couch. Chris is sitting on Eddie’s legs and his back against Buck’s. Eddie has returned to his spot, lying on the seat cushions. And in the comfort of each other, they get lost in the distraction of safety and contentment.

* * *

About an hour later, Ramon wakes with a dry mouth and walks into the kitchen. From the hallway, he is greeted by a sight he was not expecting. It was so late in the night, he hadn’t considered his son and grandson would be awake. Another person, the man, he assumed Eddie, was, is seeing is there too.

Ramon is stuck, just staring at the three of them. He tries to pick out something, one thing, to get hung up on, a look, a gesture or even just a feeling but they are together, having a togetherness he had only had with his children when they were children had little, younger than Chris before Eddie had been old enough to listen to his lessons and see the same look he’d share with Helena. All of them are upright but still crowded over each other, Chris between the two, Eddie is turned towards both Chris and the man throwing popcorn into his mouth and is given a kiss and a smile for each catch. Even though the lingering sadness permeates a hearty smile that stretches up to his eyes as he continues playing with the man, a playfight starts between all of them. Ramon can see the gentleness the man has with Chris and the way he seems to offer himself to Eddie. All that compounds, forcing him to think about how much his son’s happiness is worth to him. Unable to carry on, Ramon abandons his task and retreats back to the spare bedroom, laying awake the sounds of Eddie’s family washing over him.

* * *

Another half an hour, Eddie and Chris are waning, dozing off for a few seconds to wake with a startle only to sleep again. Buck takes charge and wakes Eddie properly, shaking him awake, then he is blinking and bleary-eyed with Buck pressing a kiss to his temple.

Buck pulls back and pauses the TV. “C’mon let’s go to bed,” he says, stretching over Eddie to stand up as he finishes the sentence with running his finger through his hair, staring down at Eddie, wishing, wanting this to be easier for him.

Slowly, keeping Buck and Chris in his eye line, Eddie stands up arguing with his heavy muscles that want him to stay on the sofa forever. “Yeah. I’ve got another day with them all again. A bad back and them mixed is not a good idea,” he agrees, stretching, with still half-closed eyes.

“I know you said you want me home but are you sure? You won’t be able to come back from it,” he asks as Eddie steps into his space.

“Yeah, Buck. I’m sure,” He states, gripping his hand tight. “I’m not… they not… I just need you. _I need you_.”

Buck gets it and he can’t help but feel a wet burn in his chest and the pricking at the back of his eyes. “That bad, huh?”

“Yeah,” Eddie answers quietly before switching to instructions. “Shut up, he’s asleep, he needs it. I’m going to take him to his bed.”

“Ok but you know he’s just gonna get in our bed in a couple of hours,” Buck says as Eddie picks up Chris.

“I know,” Eddie tells him as they walk to Chris’ room. Walking in front Buck opens the door for Eddie, and goes into the room and turns the nightlight on, then pulls back the covers to make space for Chris. Eddie follows behind trailing after Buck to put Chris in bed. Moving Chris into a cradle, Eddie places him in the bed, tucking him in as tight as possible. Helping Buck pushes the other side against the wall when they’re finished Eddie treads through Chris' hair as he flops into a deep sleep. Standing up, Eddie doesn’t want to walk away or even step back, he just stays stuck looking, watching, observing his son.

Buck lets him have a few seconds but makes a decision to pull him out of the whirlpool he is creating for himself. He forms a tight handle on Eddie’s shoulder, squeezing to bring him back. “He’ll be ok,” Buck says with a soft but heavy convincing tone.

All Eddie does is turn towards Buck and nod into him. Walking side by side, pressed against each other they make their way to their bedroom, where promises were made and it itself, a martial bed to be, is a promise of what is to come.

Like a choreographed dance, the two float into action, Eddie sits down on the edge of the bed and pulls off his t-shirt by the back of the neck, Buck still standing makes his way to the side of Eddie, mirroring his efforts. Buck waits knowing his place in this partnership of action, Eddie both unable to keep his eyes off Buck and the weight and knowledge of what his stare is almost too much after his father’s words he wants to prove and not feel the hurt Ramon is causing him by making sure Eddie knows that he’s not only a disappointment but a failure at any responsibility that the only son of Ramon Diaz is bestowed, so he turns his head sideways with Buck the peripheral and moves pillows to where his head is going to be. Flipping over and propping his head up as he waits for Buck, he doesn’t wait for another question to fall from his lips, until he’s on top of Eddie, pressing all of his weight onto him. As Buck settles on top of him, Eddie realises how much he needs this, the warm, intense rush of complete peace and the strengthening of his connection with Buck. Their feet tangle together, their bodies melding into one being as they interlace hands and Buck rests his nose to the side of Eddie’s. Staying under Buck, Eddie falls more into comfort, all of the stress of the day starting to wash off. Even though he is not the one on the receiving end, bathing in the heat and the way every nerve seems to settle under it, Buck still gets something from it that only they can create, it is just the ability to feel bare skin against bare skin without any expectation apart from being there gives him a delight that he can’t find anywhere else and helping to convince both of them that being absent from each isn’t in their deck of cards.

In almost complete silence, apart from shallow breathing and the expansion of a rib cage against the other’s body as each breath is taken in and out, they remain like that for twenty minutes. After that once Buck is convinced Eddie has taken what he needs, the hard setting in his jaw easing and sleepiness no longer comes from just exhaustion and grief but a little contentment as well. 

Buck moves his face down by Eddie’s ear. “You're doing good, Eddie. You don’t need to worry about what your Dad says,” Buck tells him as Eddie holds his hands tighter. “You don’t need to be the one carrying everything all the time. It’s gonna be hard. Let me carry some weight.” He finishes with a kiss, slow nipping at Eddie’s bottom lip.

All Eddie can do back is give him a kiss stronger that is the same amount of asking for reassurance that Buck gives to him which he adds to with a slow nod and closed eyes.

Outside the ajar door, Ramon stands watching the man take care of his son and grounds his teeth. This is the type of man his daughters should have (not the cheating, excuses of their husbands), one who will take care when they need it. But he had raised Eddie to lead and be the one to do that, meaning he can’t lose the lessons about what it takes to do that. Shaking his head, Ramon pads back to the bedroom.

Buck waits until Eddie is in a deep sleep, hands and feet still attached, to roll off and let much-needed sleep take over him.

* * *

With the sun barely risen, Buck wakes unusually early without proper cause. Pushing himself up, Buck looks over to Eddie and sees Chris curled into him. Buck doesn’t want them to feel like this, seeing them carrying the burden of loss and feeling it too having never lost a friend before. Wanting to do something, Buck sits up and pulls on a t-shirt lying on the floor and walks, tired and blinking to the kitchen. Without looking, Buck turns to the fridge and pulls out eggs and bacon, milk and juice, placing it on the counter. As he stumbles over to the coffee machine, Buck sees covered plates of food next to it.

Slowly, with a furrowed brow he looks up from the counter to the table and sees _them_ with a jump, making him almost drop some eggs. “I didn’t expect anyone to be awake,” Buck says as he wipes his hand on his pants and walks out of the kitchen to the table where they are sitting. “I’m Eddie’s…” he tries to tell them, holding out his hand.

“We know what you are to my son,” Ramon tells him, ignoring the hand in front of him.

Taking back his hand, Buck takes a deep breath and chooses his tone carefully, “Ok, well. I’m Evan but everyone calls me Buck.”

Helena gives him a smile that is held hostage by encouragement for her son and agreement with her husband. Ramon clenches his jaw and gives eye contact to Buck, “we already made food for them. This is family time, don’t you think it would be best if you left?”

“Papi!” Eddie shouts from his bedroom doorway, crossing the divide, stepping in front of Buck. “I told you, I’ll make you leave. I don’t need to fight with you on top of everything.”

“Yes, but I didn’t think you were going to shove it in our faces,” Ramon rants to Eddie, switching to Spanish with spit flying out of his mouth.

Eddie just shakes his head and switches to Spanish too. “He lives here and you know about him, there’s no reason he shouldn’t be here. I need him here…” 

Ramon begins to hasten to another argument and Buck knows that Eddie won’t back down but he isn’t angry enough for Buck to step in, so he backs away to the bedroom where Chris is sitting up, looking through the open doorway. Buck pulls Chris to stand, pushing his crutches under him. “C’mon we’ll go out back to the swings,” Buck tells him gently leading the way.

Buck tries to avoid Eddie and Ramon as much as possible as they walk to the backyard. He helps Chris up on one swing and then joins him by sitting on the other. 

“Buck? Why’s ‘buelo being like that?” Chris asks, staring at his face.

“Abuelo wants Dad to be the best person, he wants him to be,” Buck answers, trying not to colour Chris’ view of his grandfather. 

* * *

The two come back in the house, a little while later, Buck grabs a mug of coffee shotgunning it in seconds after sitting Chris at the table with Eddie, who is looking anywhere but his parents. Buck wants to wrap his arms around Eddie and give a kiss to the back of his neck, getting a kiss on his cheek for himself but instead settling for resting his hand on the back of his chair, lingering for a few seconds when Eddie replies with a slight turn of his head. It feels like when they first got together and they were hiding it but with none of the fun, it is replaced by looming disapproval that they both want to push out of their lives. Buck walks out to the en-suite in their bedroom, taking a shower.

After finishing breakfast, Eddie with Chris leaves the table wordlessly to start getting ready. As he steps into the room, he sees a fully dressed Buck laying on the bed watching TV.

“You’ve could of come back out,” Eddie says, watching Buck’s features dance, wishing he wasn’t weighed down by everything happening at the moment. 

“I didn’t…” Buck whispers, unable to find the right words to finish.

“You’re not. They are,” Eddie tells him, walking away to the shower, sending Buck one last filled look that wants to go to him, stay there and never leave.

After his shower, with a towel wrapped around his waist, he walks into the room, greeted by Chris sitting next to Buck, being helped with the buttons on his clothes. He gives both of them a smile, picking out some clothes and getting ready in the bathroom.

With all of them ready, Eddie walks over to Buck giving him a slow teasing kiss ending it with a peck on his forehead, who leans into the touch. He joins the two of them on the other side of Chris.

“We’re going to Abeula’s in an hour,” he says to Buck, swinging his arms over Buck’s shoulders.

“Are you sure?” Buck asks, some of the sound getting caught in his throat as he struggles against the harsh tides in his body.

“Yeah, besides if Abeula knows that you’re home and I didn’t bring you I wouldn’t hear the end of it. And she says the door is sticking again and she won’t let me near it. I swear she likes you more than me,” Eddie assures him, becoming more powerful with each word.

* * *

As everyone is getting into the car, Ramon realises that Buck is coming too.

“Edmundo. This isn’t the time. I don’t want him to meet the family… right now,” he tries to command Eddie but all he does is stare him down and stop him from getting the front but allows Buck to.

The drive is short but the atmosphere makes it seem outrageously long, but finally, they are at Isabel’s, who’s waiting outside for them.

All of them get out of the car, Ramon with Helena following behind bypassing his mother. Eddie and Buck greet her, giving her a hug from each of them while she complains about the two of them being skinny. Chris gives a quick hug before walking into the house to find his cousins.

With all the other adults in the dining room, Buck and Eddie want to walk back out and go home but they know the impression it will make. So shake it off standing too close for just friends but do nothing else that would bring a violent red to Ramon's face and following emotions of Eddie’s mother and sister.

Buck tries to give off the same energy he has with one one eight. “I’m Buck,” he introduces.

Before anyone can react, Abuela steps in, “my door isn’t going to fix itself,” she says. “Eddie, come to the kitchen, I need something from the top shelf.”

Buck and Eddie do what they are told, leaving in opposite directions, giving lingering looks that speaks of wanting skin as they walk away from each other.

Once they are in the kitchen, Eddie breathes a sigh of relief but only the edge is taken off. “Thank you,” Eddie mumbles to her, “I couldn’t…” 

“I know,” she says.

Time passes quickly for Eddie being fed tamales by his Abuela as she carries on making food. Then she is called into the other room by Eddie’s sister. Eddie is pulled up by her and is told, “just stir. Do not add anything. Just stir.”

He gives her a quick nod, it is only a couple of seconds later that she is replaced by Buck with a drill in hand. He has a giant smirk on his face and thumbs in his waistband as he saunters into the room, “that is my job done,” he says making his voice clear.

“I don’t have any money,” Eddie flirts playing along, “but I’m sure we work out a different type of payment.”

Buck moves forward into Eddie’s arms, trying to take them both home to each other as much he can in this sinkhole created by death and expectations. “What did you have in mind?” He asks, just pushing his tongue out his teeth, finishing it with a kiss.

Eddie joins in, taking Buck’s need for air as a way to start taking the lead in the game. But they are interrupted by Eddie’s Mom walking in, they pull away but remaking looking over the other’s shoulder, Buck becoming intensely fascinated with the countertop and Eddie trying to stop the rushing blood to his lips.

Helena sees a wildness in her son’s eyes and can’t help but feel a creeping in her veins, she doesn’t want to miss her son and grandson or any part of their lives. “Uh… Isabel wants some spray for the table.”

Before the two can do anything, Isabel returns to the room with it in hand, passing it off to Helena and kicking Buck and Eddie out of the kitchen.

When all of the food is done, everyone is in the dining room, Buck and Eddie are remaking at a safe distance away from each other for Ramon but that doesn’t stop the constant staring from him. He tries to sit at the head of the table but is stopped by his mother placing her cardigan over the chair. Peps sits close to her mother and next to Eddie, he is sat next to Chris with Buck on the other side of him, Buck is turned almost completely towards Chris and Eddie with his back facing one of Eddie’s sisters.

With everyone sitting at the table, grace is quickly reeled off. As soon as it is over, Chris starts talking to Buck, even though it has the usual childish vigour behind it he can still feel the sea of grief washing over every word.

“Buck, how was work?” Abuela asks in Spanish.

Before Buck even has the chance to finish his sentence to Chris, Ramon cuts in “she asked about your…”

Buck gives Chris a squeeze on his shoulder then turns his head to Ramon. “I know what she asked. I was just finishing talking to Chris, before I answered,” he tells the man with harsh eyes across the table.

With nothing left to pick at, Ramon grits his teeth. “When did you learn?” Adriana asks, some of that feeling Ramon has set fading away, “Robbie never learnt.”

“After school, I lived in South America, for like a year and a half,” he says, trying to smile to help the air in the room lighter while avoiding meeting Eddie’s eyes that watching him, with so much heat. Then he turns his head towards Isabel and her only,” it was ok, nothing too dangerous,” he answers back in Spanish.

“Good, I worry about you two, when you’re out there,” she tells him, handing a bowl of salad to Eddie.

The initial tense atmosphere fades but remains colouring the background as food is passed around and conversation flows that carefully avoids that Buck is more anything more than just a ‘close friend’. One of Chris' aunts asks about what he does for fun in LA, he starts talking about CCF, Denny and Harry and finally gets to how all three of them had set up a blanket fort in the living room.

Eddie sees the muscle in his father’s jaw pop out and grinding his teeth. Ramon is hanging onto the proof of the comfort his son and grandson have in the man sitting across from him. “Yes, well. I don’t see that being very safe for you. Your father should really think about that,” Ramon spits out through clenched teeth.

All Eddie can do is raise a shaky fist to his mouth and turns his head to the wall and take a deep breath.

Ramon expects nothing more to be said on the matter after his statement but Chris has spent the last year around the one-one-eight family and their _compelling_ personalities. “You’re being rude and mean,” Chris tells Ramon matter of factly. 

Eddie is still staring at the wall biting his tongue, trying to keep everything, that wants to spill out of him, in. “Chris, stop,” Buck says, stepping in for Eddie, being both firm and gentle.

“But Buck, he’s being.”

“I know but it isn’t polite.”

“May would say.”

“I know what May would say,” Buck tries to speak while forcing down laughter.

Then Ramon seems to find his path again, forged in anger, “who the hell are you to tell off my…” he shouts at Buck, pointing his finger at him.

This stops all of Eddie’s trying, he has a hard enough time reining himself in when Bobby at Buck for being reckless on a callout but there is no reason for his father to be doing so, he whips his head around staring right into Ramon’s eyes. “Stop. Just stop,” Eddie growls, the sentiment running a chill down everyone’s spine. This kicks Peppa into action, standing up and herding the children out of the room, knowing that her brother and nephew too well, that neither of them is going to back down any time soon.

Eddie clamps his hands on the edge of the table making his go blindly white. Helena can see the construction happening in Ramon’s mind has no intention of stopping, he is just working on the next phase. “Edmundo, I will say what I damn well please when it’s family. You can have your ‘fun’ but know what your responsibilities are,” Ramon shouts with spit flying from his bared teeth and black hole pupils. 

Ramon had made Eddie in his image and with him being around his father again, his natural and taught ability to rise to anger is only increased. Only in the blink of an eye, Eddie is out from under the table and stomping around to his standing father. Knowing what Eddie is going to do, Buck follows behind, sandwiching his body between Eddie and Ramon. Standing to his full height, looking over Eddie, Buck tries to shield him from Ramon to keep him from spinning out in anger.

Forming a hold around Eddie’s wrist, Buck moves with Eddie’s weaving, to see his father and get to him, as he tries to evade Buck’s blocking. “Hey. Hey. Eddie, look at me,” he says and Eddie does so, all the restraint the two had put in place falling down and even though they aren’t touching, everyone in the room feels they are in a word they have created that they have no right to be in. Eddie is looking into Buck’s eyes, taking short, sharp breaths, knowing he’s not going to see this action through no matter how much he wants too, his family is too important; Buck and Chris are too valuable to not let have what they want. “You don’t need to do this, Ok? Nothing else matters apart from getting through the day,” Buck whispers, holding Eddie’s gaze, trying to soften his breathing and heal the hurt that is causing the anger.

Eddie doesn’t say anything in reply but tangles his hand with Buck’s, gripping it so tight that Buck can feel the blood pooling in his fingers. With half compliance and half unyielding, Buck steers Eddie out of the room and through the house to an unoccupied bedroom that has a blue and white theme, shutting the door behind them.

Buck sits Eddie down on the edge of the bed and reaches a hand to hold his face. Gently, Buck bends down to Eddie’s face, slotting himself between his legs, pressing a kiss onto his lips. It quickly dissolves into a mess of lips, teeth and tongues coupled with wanting panting. Eddie takes over, gripping the back of Buck’s head and pushing into Buck’s mouth, letting their tongues meet and then Buck pulls away, just as breathless as Eddie with their foreheads resting against each other’s.

“He deserved it,” Eddie whispers, loosening his grip.

“I know,” Buck agrees, pressing his forehead into him, one last time before standing up.

“Then, why did you?” Eddie questions running his fingers over Buck’s knuckles, relishing in the chills down his spine.

“Because it would have felt good for ten seconds and I’m not letting you add beating your Dad to the list of things that have happened to you,” Buck tells him, letting Eddie hold him in place by his hips.

Eddie looks up at him with fixed eyes and a smile that rivals all art to Buck, with the creator having the care to put this look that makes all the memories of his parents not being there and losing Maddie to Doug disappear giving him the knowledge that the look on Eddie’s face is in his heart and like a force of nature, it won’t stop, reminding him that they share a love that won’t age.

“You’re… you know that” Eddie tells, with the same moony smile on his face.

All Buck does is swallow the bubble in his throat and nod before changing the subject. “I need to go check on Chris,” he says, backing out of Eddie’s grip.”

“We’ll do it together,” Eddie whispers, starting to get up.

“No, you’re all testosterone-filled still. One look at him and you’ll be back. I can’t do that again,” Buck reasons, Eddie stiffens for a second then pats Buck’s bottom and sits back down, taking his hands away, letting him go.

Buck walks to the door, giving Eddie one last as he walks out, closing it behind him. It only takes Buck a few seconds to get to Chris, only coming face to face with Helena, who gives him an indecipherable look. Chris is in the kitchen, away from the cousins, being fed candy by Abeula, Buck can see the puffiness under his eyes. As he gets nearer to him, Chris reaches out for Buck and buries his head in his chest. Buck just encircles him and rests his head on top of Chris, clenching his jaw trying to keep composed for him.

“I’m sorry,” Chris mumbles into Buck's torso, not even moving to get his words out.

“What do you have to be sorry for?” Buck asks, looking over to Peppa and Isabel with a furrowed brow that is met with a shrug.

“If I wasn’t…” Chris starts to choke out through tears.

Buck meets the eyes of the women, who are shaking their heads. With a firm but loving hand, he holds where Chris’ jaw meets his neck and pulls him out of his body. “You’ve nothing to be sorry for. You’re a kid.”

“But…” 

“Your Abeulo is an adult, if he had a problem, he should have told us alone. That wasn’t about you, it was about me, he would have found another way to start an argument,” Buck consoles, Chris still has Buck’s hand firmly on him, only letting go once he’s finished, allowing him to dive back into him while he sits down. 

“Why? Why doesn’t ‘buelo like you?” Chris asks with his face turned sideways against Buck’s chest.

Buck does want Chris to; know what the world is like, what his grandfather is like, to learn that the world doesn't let up even if your mother is dead. He doesn’t want to destroy the way he loves everyone he meets but he can’t escape this and the child deserves the truth.

“So, you know like Bobby and Athena and Maddie and Chim,” Buck starts, knowing so many hurdles are coming.

“Hen and Karen,” Chris offers.

“No, not like Hen and Karen. So… your Abeulo thinks that only that a man and a woman is normal,” Buck says, taking a deep breath and stroking Chris’ hair, while wanting the words to stop the words that have to leave his mouth, “and doesn’t like that me and your dad aren’t that. He…”

“But I’m not normal either,” Chris sniffles, with a scrunched brow, “and you and Dad make each other happy, Mom said her and Dad didn’t anymore. She said that’s the most important thing.”

“It is but Abuelo doesn’t think that. Do you remember what I said after we told you… us against the world,” Buck tells him. “He thinks he’s doing the right thing because he loves you and your Dad. He doesn’t understand our family. Normal is overrated, ok,” Buck finishes, slowly letting go of Chris and standing up. He places a hand on Chris’ head, ruffling through his hair. “Peppa and Abuelo are going to stay with you and feed you more candy, while I go check on Dad. He needs…”

“Chimney says you're codependent,” Chris tells him, some of the tenseness melting away as he tries not to giggle.

Buck makes a showy huff and starts talking. “Chim would say that. Dad just needs to calm down a bit more and it will go quicker if I’m there.”

“He needs Buck time,” Chris prompts, “Mom… told me that Dad isn’t very good at using words but he doesn’t need to with you. You’ll be back soon?”

“Yeah, we will,” Buck grins, holding his shoulder for a second then walking out of the room, ignoring Ramon standing against the wall of the door.

Like he was at the dinner table, Ramon is gritting his teeth but he is also sagging against the wall, are different worlds from each other. Chris’ words playing over in his mind, it is his job, responsibility, duty to make sure his family is living to their, his, standards, so they are the right kind of people but his son and grandson were never meant to be casualties in that.

With a soft click, the door is opened and closed as Eddie looks up from his hand resting on his knees. Watching him, Eddie follows Buck as he walks to the bed, sitting beside and pulling up his calloused hand. A few beats of time pass, just the two of them existing with each other, the echo of their breathing filling the room, letting the presence of only each other, making a small bubble, shutting out the rest of the people sitting at the table with them.

Unable to remain quiet for extended periods of time, Buck lays his head on Eddie’s shoulder. “Chris is ok. I had to explain to him, why… but he’s… ok. Abuela is stuffing him with candy, so we’ve got about twenty minutes until he demands us back,” Buck whispers, holding Eddie’s hand tighter not ever wanting to let go. 

Eddie gives in to Buck, like he always does, even more pressing the lengths of their arms together. “You're so good to me. Not everyone would,” Eddie mumbles, staring at Buck with all the harshness in his brow he’d had disappearing into sadness, softness and complete adoration. “Shannon couldn’t.”

“It’s not hard. ‘Cause it’s you,” Buck tells Eddie as he unhooks his hand from Buck’s moving to the small of his back, trying to pull him onto his lap but remains seated on the mattress. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah. Need you,” Eddie whines and Buck lets him turn his body over, so he is sitting on his knees with his legs placed outside of Eddie’s with their groins meeting.

Buck loops his arms around Eddie’s neck and he grips Buck back tighter. They take a few seconds of just resting their foreheads together and in the next, they are devouring each other. Their lips meet in desperate glory, like a heat-seeking missile Eddie switches to Buck favourite technique, making him push out a breathy moan. Under Eddie’s touch, Buck presses down into his lap and tangles his hand in his hair, then has a short breath before diving back in, nipping at Eddie’s lips and giving back the lead. Replying, Eddie grounds up to Buck, searching for heat and hardness, the same want coursing through him. Desire running between them, the bucking of hips into the other lap accompanying the unlinking of their lips, Eddie’s hands start to wander slipping below the hem of his shirt and Buck only grips stronger on Eddie’s hair forcing him back to his mouth, making Eddie grunt in agreement and give in to Buck’s demands. As his pants grow tighter with the repetitive fiction, Eddie moves to Buck’s neck sucking the skin pulling it against his teeth, Buck grinds down further and more forcefully into Eddie. Using just the tips of his fingers, Buck moves Eddie’s head back to lips, nose to nose, Buck waits until Eddie bounds forward pulling him into him. Needing more, Eddie thrusts both up and looking for entrance, his tongue in Buck’s mouth and surges forward while crossing his arms across Buck’s back. So skin meets skin, pulling flush together. Against his own, Eddie can feel the increase in size of Buck’s bulge, breaking apart breathing heavy, only to return back to each other, seeking comfort and each other, proof that the world doesn’t matter as they are the only ones that have any say about them.

Then the door opens, making statues of them. A foot steps through it barely makes a sound as it hits the floor. The frozen state of the couple makes Sophia confront what her father and how they all listen to him does to Eddie. The way he is holding him is all possession and protection, the same protection he been taught to give to his family no matter the cost for himself. Her interruption is the axe in the forest; cutting, unnatural, out of place- the work of man against mother nature. Taking his time, Eddie moves his hands out of Buck’s shirt placing them by the side of his body.

Sophia let’s go of the door behind her, it closes with a thump, she just watches them, witnessing Eddie more at peace with himself even as a child. When a few seconds pass of loaded silence, Buck tries to slip off Eddie as he begins to lift one of his legs in an effort to stand up. Eddie barely gets his leg a quarter of an inch off the bed before clamping down on him and keeping there as his hard-on is still very alive.

“Seriously?“ Buck asks, face to face with Eddie, speaking into his mouth.

All Eddie does is raise an eyebrow, “yeah,” he deadpans, keeping a light clasp on Buck to hold him where he is

Starting to laugh, Buck tries to stop himself by biting his tongue and looking to Sophia who is standing there with a creased brow, Eddie following Buck gaze, a second after meeting a shrug of her shoulders. Buck looks back towards Eddie, waiting for something and Eddie gives it to him, pressing a quick peck to his lips. Sophia wants to step out of the room but her father only wants the best for them but she has never seen such ease, the two continue on with giggling and pecks, the only acknowledgement of her existence is the inaudible whispering. Eventually, with his hardness disappearing, Eddie loosens his grip on Buck, allowing him to get off his lap, standing Buck look to Eddie who gives him a shaky nod. With slow steps, he walks to the door, waiting for Sophia to sidestep, when she leaves a space from him to walk through, on his way out he gives Sophia a look full of warning, that is etched into his brow.

Waiting until the footsteps fade on the other of the door, Sophia sits down next to Eddie still unable to cross the border that Ramon had built when he’d demanded custody of Chris and it only ever-growing wider since then. “Papi, loves you,” Sophia insists, clasping her hands in her lap, “he’s just old-fashioned. He’ll…”

“And Abuela's catholic,” Eddie states back, throwing his hands in the air.

“What does that have…” she tries to ask.

Eddie goes to answer but just shakes his head and takes a deep breath. “He didn’t just have a problem with us. He shouted and screamed and demanded in front of my son. My son has just lost his mother, do you really think this was the time? Just because I wasn’t with Shannon doesn’t mean I didn’t love her, she is...was the mother of my child and my friend. Papi could have waited. I’m not asking for his approval or understanding, I’m asking for his respect.”

“But you know how Papi is…” she says, slow and unsure.

“I didn’t tell him. I moved Buck out to his sister- when I needed him most,” Eddie shouts, getting up and pacing the length of the room. “Because I knew. I didn’t even tell any of you, that I’m…”

“Engaged. I saw the ring. That’s just Papi, he has ideas about family,” Sophia huffs out.

“Yeah, don’t I know it,” Eddie says, matching her tone and stopping pacing to rest against the dresser.“It was my first day of second grade when he told me that I had to make sure that no one hurts you. That’s my job as a man in the family to stop you guys from making any mistakes. None of you had to deal with that.”

Opening her mouth and closing it again, Sophia stares at the corner of the room, thinking of something that will make Eddie understand and not start an argument but she gives up as more of Eddie’s childhood fills her thoughts. “You never did that as a teen,” she tells him.

“What?” Eddie questions, clenching his jaw and gripping the top of the dresser.

“Walking into that, it was like your fourteen again. Dry-humping someone in Abeula’s bedroom,” Sophia laughs out.

“Buck’s not just someone,” Eddie states but slowly turns to watery laughter too, “We’re… He makes… we’re happy.”

“You were never like that. You’d sneak out to parties and to hang out with friends but never to hook up. ‘Spouse we know why now.”

“I’m not like that, it can't be just anyone. Shannon was my friend, so was Buck. They had to be.”

“I don’t… You’re gay?” she asks, “You’re with a man.”

“I’m not gay,” Eddie tells her, she just looks at him through squinted eyes and he just takes a deep breath. “I’m queer, gay. But I’m not a gay man. I like people, women, men, but I don't want to...unless we're close before we... I just like Buck most of all. I loved Shannon but with everything that happened between us, we couldn’t be a couple again. We tried but it wasn’t… and Buck was there, helping and they when I needed him."

“Oh,” Sophia says, still not understanding.

The two of them start talking, Sophia asks about Eddie’s life and for the first time just listens, not parroting back their father’s iron rule.

On his way back to the kitchen after adjusting his pants tucking himself into his waistband to make them more comfortable, he is pulled into the garden. The clamp drags him along the floor makes Buck struggle to keep up with the speed Ramon is setting. When they are finally outside, Ramon forces the door closed and stands in front of it. He just stares at Buck, breathing hard.

The veins all along Ramon’s neck and jaw pop out as he grounds his teeth. “It’s not fair, what you're doing,” Ramon seethes, pointing a long finger at Buck, “making him choose.”

“I’m not making him do anything. I wouldn’t do that to someone, I know what it’s like to lose someone you love because of who they love, we didn’t have a choice in that. You’re the one making him choose,” Buck whispers, with his hands in his pockets. “I know about you asking him to move back. I didn’t ask him to stay. You’re the one making him choose between people he loves. Is having your way more important than him being happy?”

“Do not presume to know my relationship with my son,” Ramon bites out.

Buck snorts one that takes over the space Ramon is pushing on him, “You're doing the same to me.” At that Ramon lifts his arm and curls his hand, flicking it away. “Is being what you want them to be better than being loved? That’s all we… Eddie wants for Chris to be loved.”

Ramon can’t add anything to that, he doesn’t want to linger on the thought that Buck is trying to evoke. Saying nothing, Ramon walks back into the house slamming the door behind him and Buck waits a few moments then goes back to the kitchen, sitting with Eddie, Chris, Peppa and Isabel.

Who knew the next time Eddie would be on shift, it would end with him being gifted with the cold, in forging, dull gold of Buck’s ring dropped into his open listless, waiting palm. Even with everything happening, Eddie still wouldn’t call his parents, instead without being asked: Abuela, Peppa, Carla, Bobby, Athena, Chimney, Hen and Karen would rally round to look after Chris and support him and Maddie sitting vigil. 

* * *

**You're not the kind of father a chap could go to when he's in trouble**

_ **\- J.B Priestly** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long ass chapter, huh?
> 
> I just really want to say thank you, we've reached over five thousand hits, that it actually happened is inconceivable to me. I value every comment, hit, bookmark and subscription, with all my heart.
> 
> Next chapter, we will be back in the present, from now on flashbacks should only be one chapter.
> 
> In the coming weeks, I will be editing chapter 1 and 2. I wouldn't be adding any more content to them, just tidying them up a bit, because I can feel my old English teacher shouting at me for it. 
> 
> I'm starting a 'fuck Ramon' club, you wanna join?


	13. ay, there's the rub!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back to the present tense.

**For the sins of your fathers you, though guiltless, must suffer**

_ **\- Horace** _

* * *

Blinking as he wakes from the light shaking of his shoulders, Buck realises he is hunched over, still where he fell asleep next to Chris’ face. With growing awareness, he flinches the wildness of the unexpected, just like the unexpectedness of the bombing of the firetruck, burning in him and sending embers to his brain, that only fuels the fire that wants him to freeze and no longer allow the occupation of consciousness. Forcing down the feeling that wants to drown him, away from the edges of his mind, he turns to the body that the hand waking him belongs to. He follows the curled fingers around his shoulder to the flexed wrist and dark skin that is hidden by a pink sleeve.

Eventually, he gets to Carla’s face, looking down at him, an expression of understanding, closeness and protectiveness is played out on the softening of her brows and the narrowed settling of her eyes watching him. Taking several seconds of staring at Carla’s face, strolling out of sleepiness and working out how much he wants to give away, Buck waits for the cloudiness to clear so he can actually take action. He tries to smile back but it gets lost in his uncooperative muscles, infused with all his brain is providing an unbalancing of chemicals. All he can manage is a small nod his head and a quick, confirming look back to Christopher, even though he can still hear the laboured snoring of Chris through his blocked nose and sore throat. He doesn’t want to leave aware of Chris’ peaceful snoring knowing how hard it was to get him there and worrying that any movement will wake him too.

He turns back to her, giving as much attention as he can after she clears her throat. “You need sleep, Buck,” Carla suggests, that is actually more of a telling, as she pulls slightly more away from Chris. 

“He…” Buck tries to plead, stretching out his arms on his legs but stopping at his stump that sends shivers down his spine when he reaches the rounded end of his residual limb.

Carla sees the wincing and has to decide between reaching out, giving words of compassion that she knows that will only take as platitudes and telling him what to do, reminding him to care of himself. She doesn’t, she knows she can’t be another person in his life that keeps on at him to make sure he is well.

“What he needs, you can’t do without sleep, Buck,” she continues on, searching for eye contact that he is trying to desperately avoid. “It’s the morning, if he wakes up I’ll give him some medicine and park him in front of the TV. I know he’s ill but he’s eight, not four, he’ll be ok for an hour or two as long as he’s had something to take the fever and the pain away.”

Carla doesn’t give Buck the opportunity to say something more, turning and hands his crutches to him. Buck tries to look up at her with a clenched jaw and narrow eyes that speak of defiance but it falls flat, without enough strength to power it and ends up just looking like the beginning of a toddler’s tantrum. Even that gets lost in the sea in Buck’s mind that just makes him want to curl up and let the flashbacks, pain and pure feeling swallow him whole. So he just gives in, wrapping his hand around the hard rubber, that makes his hand sore, of the crutches and pulling his body up to standing.

Buck doesn’t look back as he leaves the room, knowing if he does not one toe will make it out. With every step, taking his time, Buck lets the surroundings of his home wash over him but he has to turn his head away when the pictures that decorate the house cross his view. Looking at himself, what he used to be, who he used to be, at what he and Eddie used to be, what he looked like, what he used to feel and what he was sure of Eddie’s feelings towards him, were too much making him look away.

Before he even realises it, Buck is in his bedroom. Staring at his bed, the centrepiece of the room, as memories clog his mind, replaying all of the memories they had made in there, the meeting of flesh, the mess of teeth and lips, the tangling of limbs, the rash, desperate or soft, content rutting and the satiating of the desire between them that would only last for a few minutes before restarting. His adam’s apple flexes as tries to swallow all the saliva in his dry mouth and he moves his head to the side trying to shake out the thoughts trying to invade and conquer his mind, bringing him down to his knees and submitting to the force in his inside that had been there, growing since he had woken up with only one leg. With that pushed so far down, Buck moves to his side of the bed, perching on the edge of it stretching, feeling the dullness in his muscles that is neither pain nor pleasure. It is nothing but numbness, it is the absence of nothing.

When his leg and whole body hit the mattress, sleep overcomes him, taking hold, keeping his consciousness hostage. His slumber is not a fit of rest, rejuvenating him but rather the ending of long-held exhaustion and his inability to not fight it any longer. In his sleeping form unaided by any kind of sedative, still holds the tension in his muscles and clenching of his jaw. But his breathing does even out and his mind doesn’t go silent but remembering, dreaming and feelings don’t grow quite under the resting of his body.

Buck drags himself out of sleep to wakefulness by hearing his name called and body next to him. Freezing for just a second as he realises that the body next to him, feeling with his hands quickly coming into contact with his face is Chris and the voice calling to him from the doorway is just Carla. She is calling out to him and waiting for a response as she shifts from foot to foot. Buck just wants to close his eyes and roll back over to sleep but he knows Carla won’t let him get away with that, so he looks at her and finally listens to her calling his name.

“Buck,” she says, aware that she finally has his attention, with purpose.

“Yeah,” he answers, seeing that she is fully dressed and wearing shoes, as he rubs his eyes, “you’ve got to go.” Nodding and pulling on her coat, she interrupted by Buck as he clears his throat and scrunching his eyebrows. “Just... when did he get in? ‘Cause I thought… I didn’t realise, wake up when he got in, usually, I wake up when…”

“About two hours ago, he woke and asked for you. I wasn’t going to wake you up, so he got in with you and fell back asleep. He won’t need anything for another three hours, there was some long-lasting in the drawer, and by then,” Carla confirms, moving into the room, “Eddie’ll be back.”

“Yeah, Eddie... and Maddie wouldn’t want me on my own for that long,” Buck deadpans, picking at a loose thread.

“Buck, it’s only ‘cause they…” Carla tries to say crossing and uncrossing her arms.

“Care. I know,” Buck bites out low and venomous which he instantly regrets when he sees Carla step back and shake her head. “Carla, I didn’t…”

“It’s ok, Buck. Really, it’s ok. I’m not angry or upset but I do have to go,” she tells him, giving all the information she can, so Buck can’t draw anything from is that his mind will turn into something other than what it is meant to be. “Look after yourself too, Buck.”

Then Buck is left alone, only a little snoring of Chris to keep him company. All he wants is to go back to sleep, the inability to, and itching of skin not only around the stump but travelling up and down his body, which only adds to the feeling sitting on his skin as he remembers how long it’s been since he’s had a shower.

Buck tries to make every wash, a quick clinical affair, knowing that any dawdling would only bring back the vision of being stuck and make him confront the reflection staring back at him, daring him to do something more, trying to work him into a flurry of anger 

Making short measured movements, Buck grabs Chris to the middle of the bed to keep him safe. Using his hands, Buck fumbles around in the area next to him, for his crutches. It is a decision, even with a crutch under him, he could just stay here and wait for Eddie in the silence, not doing anything but be or take a shower and wash away the dirt clinging to his skin that will still be there even after he scrubs at his skin. Swivelling over and feeling his foot touch the floor, Buck looks back at Chris waiting to see signs of waking but he doesn’t, so he gets up and does his routine of walking to the bathroom. He pushes the door open with one hand aware that if Eddie was here he’d intervene, but does get through sitting down on the toilet seat looking through the open door he’d left so he could hear if Chris had woken up. Sitting, he takes a deep breath filling his lungs to capacity, then he gets off the seat and stumbles his way to the shower fiddling with the dials to get his exact temperature and pressure. Steam starts to emerge as the shower heats up, bringing with it a sense of calm to him, forcing his muscles to blow off some tension as heat takes over.

Turning to be away from the water splashing out the sides, Buck comes to face with a mirror. Ensnared in its hold, Buck starts to take off his clothing making him stand in the steamy room only with his underwear and crutches.

In the reflection, looking at his body, Buck can see where his leg should be. And if he looks enough he can see it. The same way he can feel the cold title on the bottom of his feet, the heat on the back of his legs from the shower. Buck knows none of that is real because his twin looking back at him with the same small expression, his ribs quickly becoming more evident with each day, has only one leg and a residual limb. He feels so different from him, both the reflection and who he used to be. When he used to look in the mirror, he was always sure of what he saw and knew what Eddie saw. Now, he didn’t know what Eddie sees, does he see what Buck sees and that why he’s so hesitant with his touch or does he see more and less of Buck, not Buck not even Evan just a husk of a person he used to be, it makes him worry if Eddie is getting enough, anything from him. Unable to be alone with his reflection anymore, Buck turns away and gets out of his underwear.

He leans his crutches against the shower, using the grab rail to make his way under the showerhead to the seat. Sitting down he can feel the hard plastic under his bare skin, soft skin under his hand as he rests them on his thighs. Pushing his head into the stream of water, Buck lets it run down his face and drip off his nose, letting the numbness rise again burying his sadness and anger leaving him with nothing but the physical sensation of pain in his non-existent leg again but he doesn’t deal with, just lets it add to the background.

* * *

Tick.

Tick.

Tick.

That’s all Bobby can hear, the clock marking every second passing, he is sitting at his desk with his eyes drying after staring at the paperwork he is meant to be filling in. With a pen in hand, holding it just above the piece of paper, Bobby is trying to push the intruding thoughts to the back of his mind, demanding attention, holding him by the scruff of his neck to thoughts of his children and how much of a role he’d had in their hurt. Seeing Eddie just outside of his window, it makes Bobby allow the thoughts to crawl inside his mind, forcing his mind to turn to Buck and how he is alone and ‘different’ all down to him.

All that has happened, is happening to Buck would have never… if… The more he thinks, freezing by dropping the pen onto the table and holding his head up resting his forehead on his hands. He can’t imagine what Buck is going through, a loss of not just him, but what makes him. He knows what it’s like to not be a firefighter- it isn’t just a job but a lifestyle, a part of their identity- but adding his loss on top, Bobby cannot even fathom what he is feeling. All he wants is for Buck’s smile and demeanour to return to him, for him to just be happy. Buck lost what he had because of him, Bobby knows that boy was aiming for him, he knows it should have been him under the engine, that insight will never leave.

Bobby can hear the ticking again; pulling him out of his thoughts and to his squad, just outside of his office and knowing he won’t get any work done soon. As he leaves the room, he is reminded of the training session that they all have to attend. On stiff limbs, he makes his way to the couch sitting down with all of them, right next to Eddie, watching TV as they wait for the bell to ring.

Crowded around the TV as they watch and make quiet conversation, Eddie can’t help but take his thoughts back home, counting down the minutes until he can return to his family, not working with the fear that when he returns he will not be met by his fiancé and son. He wants the proof of them and gives them all his care, protection and attention he is able to produce. He needs them to have that to make sure they are okay. To make sure that Buck has the pressure take-off of him, so he can just focus on getting better.

As he is pulled into a conversation with the rest of them about what they are planning to do on the weekend. Then it comes on, making all of the house grow silent as each person hears the story playing on the news. Bobby sits up straighter and watches through narrow eyes, focusing on every second. Looking only at her fingertips and Hen listens to every noise, subtly shaking her head the longer it goes on. Having listened to so many of these broadcasts, Chimney just lets the words wash over him knowing what they do to Buck. Eddie’s eyes are glued on the screen, feeling a burn in his throat as Buck’s screaming scratches at his ears, daring him to do something about it. It’s stuck in his body, the heat reminding him, how many times they’ve replayed this, and how he and his eight-year-old have had to hold Buck as it makes get lost in his own mind, that they are doing this without a second thought about Buck.

It goes on, making his skin feel hotter and hotter. He has a moment of clarity, his mind just for a second unfull of anger and worry, allowing him to get up and stomp out of the room. All of them watch as he does so, he is somehow both fast and slow, when he is out of sight, Chimney comes to himself and begins to follow him only to be stopped by Bobby.

“We can’t make this better, Chim. Just… Ok,” Bobby tells him, pulling him back down onto the chair as he switches off the TV.

All apart the whole squad is left in a silence of their own.

* * *

Once fully dressed in sweatpants and a long sleeve t-shirt, Buck watches Chris sleep- the slow, soft rise and fall of his chest. Even though he can still feel the exhaustion wormed deep into his bones, he knows sleep isn’t coming anytime soon. So as to quiet as can be, Buck walks out of the room and parks himself in front of the TV on the sofa that is no longer a bed. Letting the sounds of some wholesome cooking show sitting alongside him, he just waits, waiting until Eddie comes home, so he doesn’t have to worry about some freak accident taking him away. As he watches, his thinking turns to notice the breeze against what is left of his leg, he fixes that by pulling a blanket over it, hiding it from view but it doesn’t stop everything rising to the surface. Why do they: Maddie, Eddie, everyone get to stay the same? As even more questioning occupies his mind, Buck digs his nails into his palms, knowing that if he wasn’t alone, he would be spitting as much venom as he can to make that person just feel a fraction of what he does. Both wanting to shout, scream and throw things and is grateful that no one else is around because he doesn’t want to deal with the drop that comes with acting on the feelings he can’t contain. 

Digging his nails in even further, Buck tries to drag himself out of his mind and watch the TV in front of him as the show plays on. Buck waits for only another episode then goes to check on Chris stuffing medicine bottles in his pockets. It all takes barely ten minutes for Buck to wake up Chris and feed him the barely conscious boy the medicine, who once finished unceremoniously flops over returning to sleep. Being as quiet as he can Buck leaves the room again and sits down in front of the TV. At first, he watches the show but after a while, all his mind can seem to do is think about Eddie, his Eddie and worry, whether anything has happened to him or if he’s being safe. The same weight in his stomach that was keeping him awake last night and reminding him of the coldness by the side of him last night too. To remedy the goosebumps appearing over his skin is to wrap the blanket around him and hoping it would provide some kind of relief. But all he really wants is his personal weighted blanket, Eddie, and the feeling of calm that comes with the weight of Eddie on top of him.

He wants the lowering of his heart rate and the slowing of his breathing. On top of that, he just wants Eddie and the connection of just feeling each other’s breathing, looking into each other’s eyes and feeling skin against skin with no expectations, one that Buck isn’t able to even think of but to make the existence of the other as peaceful as it can be. Buck can understand most of what Eddie is doing, well he can’t but he can try to, but the fact that Eddie hasn’t even offered to do their ritual scares him. He wants Eddie, he wants the comfort and care he is trying to provide but it is not how Buck is used to Eddie doing, it is a different type of distance to when Eddie pulls away when he’s stressed.

* * *

When Eddie is back from where he went to, Bobby gathers them around, everyone sitting at the table as he serves them.

He makes sure everyone has food on their plates then announces, “I told you all last week that we have mandated reporter training seminar after shift. I’m just reminding you of that.”

Eddie looks down and shakes his head, stabbing his food with a fork. He had forgotten all about it, he doesn’t want to leave Chris and Buck alone but Maddie has a therapy appointment and it is only a couple of hours. The minute it is over he’ll race home and look after his family, making sure both of them are well and looked after, taking off the weight that Buck doesn’t need to bear right now.

Across the table Hen texts Karen, smiling at the reply then putting it away. While they are eating, banal chatter takes up space, Eddie takes part in it but there is no real energy behind it as his body not feeling the warmth reminds him of the empty chair just to the side of him. No matter how much he forces himself to join in, he can’t help but feel a burn in his eyes, throat and stomach as he thinks on who should be next, right here, right here next to him.

The more he talks to them, the more unnatural it feels not having Buck next to him, all he wants is everything to go back to normal and he knows it can’t… But he’s going to make sure, as is his job, that his family is safe and to stop them getting hurt. The moment Buck got home from hospital he’d promised himself and them that nothing like this would happen again, they would be safe no matter what. Buck will be given what he needs to help him, that wasn’t even a question, just a fact that he’ll do anything to make Buck’s life easier and safer because he knows what will happen to him if he ever lost him.

* * *

With an hour passing, filled a text from Eddie letting him know that he won’t be home when he was meant to be, he feels two battling emotions, the want of Eddie to be home and the relief that he isn’t that being watched and having every single little decision, even the colour of his socks, made for him. But uses the fact that Chris is going to sleep for the rest of the day to watch TV and hope that his mind doesn’t fall in the trap of the incident, the bombing, the surgery.

With the blanket curled around him, Buck continues on watching the TV, trying to make his mind numb. It is only a few minutes later that the doorbell rings, making Buck fish around on the floor for his crutches. Once they are in his hands, with every single sinew refusing he gets up and makes his way to the door knowing if it was Eddie, Maddie or even Chimney they wouldn’t have done so. He knows that his grip is unstable and one small misstep, he’ll be back on the floor like yesterday but he can’t seem to find enough energy to correct it. It takes a while to get to the door, wading through his routine of walking, invading his thoughts and the soreness and pain that is starting at his stump then running through his whole body.

When he does finally open the door, shifting most of his weight to one crutch, he is surprised by Karen and Denny looking up at him. Buck moves as much as he can out of the way, allowing them into the house. Trying to tighten his grip around the handle but he stops not having the strength to commit to it, all he does is lag behind them on shaky tendons powering his muscles. In the living room, he collapses on the sofa taking back his spot, pulling the blanket back on and looking up at Karen, waiting for her to talk.

Giving Buck a smile and putting Denny on the back. “Where’s Chris?” She asks while Denny looks at her now, “I…”

“He’s in the bedroom,” Buck tells them pointing to his room, “but he’s still asleep and won't wake up, he wouldn’t usually but when he’s sick…”

“Denny won’t bother him, right? He promised that in the car, he won’t bother him. He… we just needed a change of scenery,” she says as she sits Denny down on an armchair and herself on the edge of the sofa opposite Buck.

It only takes five minutes for Denny to fall asleep and Karen turns to Buck and whispers, “can I put him with Chris? They’ve both got the same bug, so…”

“Yeah, Yeah. It’s fine,” he answers, quickly not wanting to take his mind too far away from the distraction.

Karen only wakes Denny, up enough to walk down the hall to the bedroom. On the bed and under the covers, he returns to sleep, his snoring loud and melting with Chris’ from their sore throats and blocked noses. Staying until she is sure that he won’t wake, Karen leaves the room, returning to Buck.

Back in the room, she sits down and continues watching what’s on the TV. There is a shifting score in the next hour that draws her attention away from the screen to the body next to her, so she looks at Buck giving him the space to fill if he wants to.

Picking at the non-existent loose thread Buck scrunches his eyes tight for just a second. “Did Eddie send you?” He asks.

“No, Denny did really need a change of scenery, he’s different when he’s ill,” Karen says as she pauses the TV, “and I know what it’s like to look after a sick kid alone. It isn’t fun, and I needed some company that wasn’t ‘Mom I’m dying’ every other second, so I thought you could deal with some too.”

“Ok, thank you. Sorry about… but if you need company, why not Micheal? You guys are closer,” Buck says, finally looking up from his lap.

“I don’t have a death wish, May and Harry are worse than Denny and unlike ours, they stay awake when they’re ill,” she tells, rolling her eyes just slightly and playfully shaking her head. “Now, that is sorted. Do you have any wine in here, because I’m thirsty and I’ve spent up until now sober and I deserve a treat.”

“There’s a bottle in the back of the cupboard next to the fridge, it’s right back ‘cause we got it as a gift but we only drink beer,” Buck tells her pointing to the kitchen.

Karen gives us a quick note, looking at the kitchen then back at a Buck. “Back of the cupboard, got it. Shall I bring a glass for you or a bottle of beer?” She asks standing, looking over Buck trying to avoid watching him.

“No. I can’t drink with my tablets, might forget how to breathe and die in my sleep,” Buck laughs out but it is marred with so much bitterness that Karen has to look at Buck’s face to be sure of what expression is on his face.

“Ok.” That’s all she can say because the tone in his voice leaves the room full. Just about as she is going to disappear, she looks over her shoulder. “Do you want anything to eat?”

Answering with no rumble in his stomach, even it is nearing midday and nothing but sips of water have passed his lips since his small portion of his dinner last night. “No, I’m not hungry,” he says, not looking towards Karen but staring straight ahead through the TV. “But… thank you for offering.” 

Giving one shrug to the air, Karen walks into the kitchen and sets on finding the hidden wine bottle. 

With a bottle and a glass in hand, Karen returns to the couch, sitting down next to Buck who is wrapped in a blanket with only his head popping out of the little cocoon he had made. With a firm grip, Karen picks up the bottle and pour herself a glass of wine and returns to watching the TV alongside Buck, trying to make silence as comfortable as she can.

About halfway through the episode, Karen noticed an uptick in shifting coming from Buck, she let it go for a few seconds thinking it might stop after he pulls the blanket more over as he had done earlier. Buck’s squirming doesn’t stop, so she turns him and looks expectantly, not expecting an answer just a twitchy shake of his head.

Making a movement, Buck raises a covered hand to his mouth, it stays there for a few seconds as he takes short rapid breaths. Eventually, after one final breath Buck looks at Karen gaining her eye contact then looking away instantly. “How do you sleep alone?” He asks, seeming younger, all Karen wants to do is throw her arm around him as his question comes with bubbling in his voice.

“Oh, Buck,” she says, fully turning to him and seeing all the emotions cross his face, wanting to reach out and give him a place to empty all that is building up in him that doesn’t have a stake in his everyday leaving.

“Since I got with Eddie and I mean like the first day, I haven’t slept alone. On shift, we’d share the same bunk. And in the hospital, I had the drugs but now every time I try to sleep, all there is an empty space next to me and all I can do is worry about him.” Buck manages to choke out, wiping away any tears with his blanket covered hand. “I could take sleeping tablets but even with Carla in the house, I have to be there for Chris and I wouldn’t have woken up when he needed me. Besides, Eddie… and Maddie doesn’t want me to take them anymore and I don’t want to upset him. You’ve been with Hen, how long… how do you do it?”

“It’s hard. And everyone does it differently, remember that. I try to distract myself, looking after Denny, work or a hobby helps with that. But Micheal prays and listens to the police radio, so… it’s hard, Buck, knowing that they out there and not knowing… sleeping is always the worst but you know the next night when they’re back and next to is warm, you’re smelling their smell and feeling their breathing on the back of your neck that is one of the best things in the world,” Karen tells Buck, trying to give something that no else in his life can give right now as she is some in their circle not part of it.

“Yeah, it’s nice but me and Eddie aren’t…” Buck doesn’t finish, unable to, just letting the implication hang in the air- it already too much for him to give a voice to.

“We aren’t... either. You’ll get there,” Karen says, giving him one last glance then turning back to the TV and taking a sip of wine.

The both of them settle into a silence that comes more easily and sits more evenly. Further, into the episode a conversation starts between them, it never comes near any topic that the both of them want to talk about and for them a little weight which some helping, lifts after a while.

* * *

The rest of the shift passes in a blur, filled with flashing lights, screaming people, boiling heat and more eating, watching TV, trying to joke around. All together they get to the conference centre, hopping out of the vehicle and walk into the building. Eddie hangs back, hardly looking up from his phone as he moves behind the clearing Hen and Chimney are making. Keeping in step with Eddie, Bobby slows down watching him with a surveying eye as he sees the simmering in him just below the surface. He can’t do anything but just watching and standing next to him, Eddie doesn’t say anything more than what he has too, at first when Eddie returned to work after Bobby didn’t know the signs only seeing the obvious ones- a clenching fist, gnawing his teeth and fire in his eyes- early on but now he knows a few more subtle signs. After what happened with the TV, Bobby knows he has to stick Eddie like glue for the rest of the training session.

Inside, the building is crammed with a sea of blue and Eddie wants to walk back out, all of them have some knowledge that makes their wave turn into a swell- of what has happened to his family. Eddie has heard all of the ‘concerned’ whisperings that happens about him and Buck or entering a quickly silenced room when he first returned to work after the  _ incident  _ it was hard dealing with it and the violent creeping in his mind and body. It took him a while to master forcing it down, leading to a few fights. Now he can keep it all in at work and home, only letting it out as he takes the long way home but it now feels like the walls he had built up has been eroded after having to watch the clip of Buck, his Buck, trapped under the truck, screaming like a wild animal.

Beating through the glass, the sun and its heat makes the waiting room seem smaller like everyone is on top of each other. For Eddie it feels like everyone is too close, he has no space of his own, he’ll only need to move a hair and another person he doesn’t want will be under his fingers. He just keeps powering forward, pushing him to the little alcove where he can take a breath that isn’t dirty with stale sweat, even more, stale coffee and half-opened eyes.

Finally making his way to the small recess of the wall, Eddie allows himself a minute of just leaning against the wall and taking measured breaths, trying to bring his mind back to ground zero. He can feel Bobby’s eyes on him, all he wants is for him to go away as he knows later that Bobby will try to make him talk about- he doesn’t want to, he shouldn’t want to, he’s the one who has to look after his family, he needs to be strong for them- and it won’t do anything to make it better, just linger on how nothing he does isn’t helping either Chris or Buck. Taking one last breath, Eddie pushes himself off the wall and gives a small smile to Bobby letting him start to pointless chatter as they walk to the one-one-eight waiting spot filled with the first shift of the house, sandwich next to ninety-eight and the one- one-five.

As he gets there Eddie draws the attention of one of the squads next to him, seeing the turning heads Eddie just focuses on his squad. He joins in louder, trying to drown out any whispering he can hear, not about him but Buck, Shannon or Chris, he cannot deal with that right now. The feeling that is bubbling under the surface is getting stronger with every muttered utterance.

One voice outside of the one-one-eight broaches out, every other word fading. “His wife… son… and his finacé… a man, yeah. The truck… his leg.”

Stiff as a board, Eddie straightens up and clenches a fist. Then he turns on the balls of his feet, quicker than a flick of a switch and marches over, with the same instruction he’d been taught in the army, to the man. Bobby is too slow at seeing the signs, only following after Eddie is face to face with the man and has to weave through the packed crowd. With the same quickness, Eddie throws the man against the nearest wall, knocking the wind out of him.

“What did you say about my family?” Eddie shouts at him while holding him by the throat. “Go, on! Tell me!”

All the man does is make gurgling sounds and crawl at Eddie’s hand, his face getting redder by the second but that doesn’t seem like it even registers for Eddie. It is only the last remaining shred of control that stops his grip getting any tighter like he wants to.

“Keep…” Eddie tries to tell him.

Bobby finally gets to him and makes a tight hold around his upper arm. “Eddie, stop!” he scolds like he’s talking to a naughty child.

Eddie tries to shake it off but Bobby remains steadfast, not letting go. “Eddie…”

Not through his own volition, Eddie relinquishes his grip. Staring at the man and pointing a finger, “keep my family out of your mouth, you got it?” he says, skulking back to the one-one-eight under Bobby’s dutiful supervision.

* * *

The vibration from Karen’s Phone interrupts the comedy that has been on for the last forty-five minutes. With a sigh, Karen pulls out her phone, looks at it for a few seconds and then closes her phone and places it faces down on the coffee table. She still, even though watching the show, keeps sending her eyes to the overturned phone but as soon as she realises what she has done, she quickly returns to the screen. 

Seeing the movements he usually does, when his mind fills the hemlock of reality changing memories. Feeling a little bolder than he has in a while, he starts to talk but still doesn’t initiate any sort of eye contact. “What…” Buck doesn’t finish quickly having lost that new vigour but moving his head in the direction of the phone.

“Uh… they fertilized new eggs,” Karen tells him, with shakiness in her voice. “But… um… it never works, I don’t know why it’ll be any different this time.” As she finishes she splays her hand across her lap.

“If that... Why don’t you use Hen’s eggs? I know you agreed on who’s pregnant but that doesn’t mean… you and her… can’t,” Buck whispers to her, unsure if he’s allowed to say this much about Karen and Hen.

“How do you…” Karen begins to say, but there is an interruption that stops, leaving her with Buck’s chatter turning into thoughts swirling around in her head.

Eddie and Hen walk in the living room, quite speaking following them, most of it staying away from what had happened earlier today just before the seminar. When they reach the room, the sounds of the TV and the sight of their partners greet them. Under the blanket, Buck looks younger and so much smaller than his full height, all Eddie wants to do is wrap tighter in the blanket and keep him there, swaddled, sheltered and safe, where he doesn’t have to worry every second there is a hitch in Buck’s breath. Their gazes meet and all both of them can do is hold it in a way that is inviting and somehow distant, as that becomes more obvious they look away together at different corners of the room. Then moving their attention to the guests in their home.

Wanting to go home, Hen rubs her eyes and takes a deep breath. “Where’s Den?” She asks, looking at both of them but not expecting an answer from Buck and an indifferent one from her wife.

“In there, sleeping next to Chris,” Karen answers with slightly less indifference than Hen is waiting for.

“I can take him to the car, if you don’t want to wake him,” Eddie says, still avoiding Buck’s eyes looking back at him. All Hen does is barely nod her head and follow Eddie to the bedroom.

“Looks like I’m leaving,” Karen reaches out and gently squeezes Buck’s shoulder, he at her with a vacant numbness. “You don’t have to talk back, I’ve got enough problems to rant about. But, you know it’s gonna get boring after a while.” As she finishes Buck manages, just for a small moment, a faint smile.

All in all, the Wilson’s are gone in the next moments. For Buck, the last he sees of them is the back of Hen and Karen with Denny asleep over Eddie’s shoulder.

Bundled up in the blanket, Buck curls more into himself, waiting for Eddie to return. And he does, coming back in the room, standing tall and immense over Buck as he watches him, deciding what to do next. He might be used makes him feel, small and infantile, but that doesn’t stop a burning in his chest from blooming. To stop him from moving that feeling out of his body, Buck just pulls the blanket tighter to him.

Eddie finally makes a decision, “does Chris need more meds?” Buck only answers by shaking his head. “How long do we have?” Asking another question, he still doesn’t get a verbal answer, just the raising of two fingers. “Ok, so food. What do you want?” All Buck does is shrug and Eddie has to stop his eyes rolling back.

At the fridge, Eddie just stands there looking for the most calorie-ridden foods, Buck’s face seemed to get hollower in the time he was gone. Pawing through the made-up meals from Abeula and Carla, he finally gets to one that Buck should like. As he nukes it in the microwave, he shifts from foot to foot, reflecting on how today could have cost him, what it could have done to his family and how just for a short interlude all the weight that has been sitting in him, lifted. Then he is reminded that he has to look after his family, he has to be the one that makes them better and he can and he has to wait until he is sure Buck is ready for each stage.

The ping of the microwave pulls Eddie out of thought, he takes a tray out and places the plate on it. As he takes the room he fills up another glass of water. Eddie places the food on the table and sits next to Buck. Neither one of them broaches the gap bug inch close to it, this is somehow more painful than just staying as far apart as possible.

“Buck, please you need to eat,” Eddie whispers out.

Not moving, Buck just looks at the food and back at Eddie. “ ‘m not hungry,” Buck says, trying to convince Eddie, his voice tired and sore.

“This is why I didn’t want you having the tablets last night. Just a couple of spoonfuls… and all of the water. It won’t… anymore, if you do that,” Eddie tells Buck, looking at him the same way he does to Chris.

Buck eats exactly two spoonfuls then pushes the plate as far away as possible. Their hands return; so close to each other that the heat meets and it would only take one of them to move that half an inch but neither does stuck on opposites side on the fence of unsureness.

To fill space left by their untouching, Buck states “I promised Chris that we could have a movie night. He didn’t have a good night, so you should get in with him tonight.”

“Buck, I need to watch you,” he says, his eyes growing soft with crinkles forming.

“Just give me a sleeping tablet and I’ll be fine. Chris is more… stay with him tonight, he needs you,” Buck tells him, trying to keep the fury out of his voice, then threading a hand through the blanket and turning up the volume on the TV.

“We’ll talk about it later. After Chris wakes up, we’ll start with the movies,” Eddie says, his tone starting short then turning light and airy. “Should I do popcorn or ice cream.”

Buck knows what Eddie is trying to do and he wants to engage but he can't get past the wall built on bricks of anger, unsureness and his hew about what he sees in the mirror. And yet Buck is fed up with that wall existing, he is getting more desperate to find his way out. “Ice cream… he’s still sick, his throat is still sore,” he whispers, pulling the blanket more into him.

“Ok,” Eddie says as he stretches his arm, settling into the sofa. As his arm touches the fabric of the back of the couch, Eddie brushes the nape of Buck’s neck and freezes waiting for him to pull away. He doesn’t but just keeps staring ahead, scared that Eddie will pull away and remembering that them just sitting like this had so many times shifted to them getting lost in each other, unable to tell when he ended and Eddie began. Being a statue, Buck just seeks the feeling of his calloused fingertips against his skin.

They remain like that for the next quarter of an hour, then Chris makes an appearance, moving as eagerly as he can through illness he bounds over to Buck and Eddie. Eddie gives him his time, all attention, cuddling and talking to him about what had happened on shift, making it kid-friendly. After Eddie gets up and drapes another blanket over Chris and Buck, as Chris positions himself over Buck and his legs where Eddie was sitting. Only taking seconds, he gets three spoons and the tub of ice cream from the freezer then goes back to his boys.

Sandwiched between the both of them, Chris chooses the movie and ends up with the tun on his lap. Eddie and Chris dig through the tub, laughing at all of the jokes while Buck gives a stoic snort just to let them know that he is here in the moment and not in his own mind reliving the incident.

As the credits roll of the next movies, Chris’ snoring makes itself known.

Buck on one side of him just stares at Eddie, wanting to reach out and just let himself be held, while letting what he is holding in his mind fall from his lips. Stopping as his fingers twitch, Buck falls short, stuck on whether Eddie sees what he does when he looks in the mirror and Eddie is just doing his duty addles his mind.

Eddie on the other side of Chris turns his whole body to Buck. Aching for him; to hold him, feel his heart against his, to heal the wound in his mind he can see on his face, to feel skin on skin again. Swallowing the thick bile covering his mouth, he forces himself to stop. Buck is still dealing with what happened, he knows that he has seen the flinches at loud sounds, the backing away from everyone’s touch, so he can wait. He can wait until Buck is ready because it would be as much for him as for Buck, and being rebuffed would terrify him even more than Buck’s current state already does. When they got together he had to get used to being connecting all of the time, it wasn't just the sneaking off to vaguely hidden stops but the constant intimacy, physical (sitting next to each other, Buck holding his hand and leading him around) and emotional (not only just wanting him there but what they shared with each other and how close there are Eddie never felt like he could share anything that would change Buck’s mind about him), now that it’s gone all he wants is it back. So he can wait. He can wait.

* * *

**Don't touch him. He'll think you're a fool.**

_ **\- Alan Bennet** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As we near the milestones of 6000 hits and 200 kudos, I just want to say thank you to every who read, left kudos and commented I never expected for this to get anywhere near this.
> 
> As always, comment and kudos are appreciated. I can't tell you how much my little writer heart loves them.


	14. all these you see are helpless and unburied

**When our actions do not, our fears make us traitors**

**-** **_Shakespeare_ **

* * *

In their bubble, fuelled by want and yet complete inaction, they stay frozen the bridge of Chris between them as the TV continues on with the sun edging closer to the ground.

Huddled in his blanket and under another on top of him, shared with Chris, Buck moves his hand away from Eddie’s and closer to his thigh. Even after all this time, it still feels odd that neither of them is being touched or doing the touching, it was always so casual, not having to think about it, Buck would just rest his hand Eddie’s thigh to let him know that he was there and Eddie would just lay his hand on top of Buck’s and smile back at him. But just a grain of rice away Buck stops, as his stump gets brushed by his stretched elbow making him feel the puckered flesh of scars and the absence of what should be there.

Within his peripheral, Eddie feels Buck gets closer and closer, and he gets the cold rush down his spine that is stronger than any time he had gotten at any situation at work, wondering what has brought this on: is it the nightmares that can happen even without sleep or is it a flare of pain that ceases all function but the one that experiences pain or is it a combination of both, or maybe he doesn’t meet him in the middle because he fears what reciprocating might do. But he still feels something amiss when Buck, his Buck, doesn’t grip his thigh with his usual vice-like hold like he should, like he always does when they are lounging like this. He’s okay with that, or he tries to tell himself, at least Buck is near him again. So he can compromise too. Eddie moves his arm, to rest his hand next to Buck’s and looks back at him, chiselling his expression into a quirk of his lips and a flicker of his eyes that is trying to be encouraging but not pressuring.

Watching his lover’s face, Buck tries to make sense of the look being thrown his way. No matter how much he wants to not do so, Buck moves his face out of Eddie’s gaze and looks down at his and Eddie’s hands, their arms somehow intertwining coming from different places and their hands resting next to each other yet not touching. They stay together stuck in limbo both from the world, with each other and from each other.

After a few beats of just breathing, Eddie resumes to watching the TV, still together and yet not, trying to take his mind off the voice in his head daring him to do more and warning him not to push too far. Buck mirroring Eddie, watches the TV letting the sound fill the space the silence has left between them, with his free hand he pulls the blanket as tight as he can make it, wondering what is going on in Eddie’s mind. He can see by the way he keeps sneaking his gaze towards Buck, it isn’t just the careful observation but he averts his eyes a second later back to watching and seeing the way he carries his shoulders. All he can see hesitancy and he wants to know where it is coming from: is it because of him, for him? And in the pit of his stomach Buck just feels something calling to him, wanting him to act, to help Eddie.

After a little time, they are pulled out of their haze as Chris moves, kicking Eddie in the ribs, making him cough and jerk forward. This pushes Eddie into action as Chris should really be in bed.

“Buck, Buck,” Eddie calls out, inching off the sofa but Buck doesn’t seem to realise it as he stares through the TV. So Eddie reaches out and touches him. “Buck,” he whispers and this time Buck looks at him, giving him more eye contact then he has in months.

As soon as Eddie touches the top of his residual limb, Buck could feel the bile rising out of his stomach into his throat. Eddie only stays there for a second, Buck never thought he would be grateful for Eddie to stop touching him but even he can’t stand his finger on that pound of flesh.

Eddie stands up and looks at Buck, “I’m just putting Chris to bed, I just need you to hand me to him.”

All Buck does is nod and gets Chris’ arms making sure he stays asleep and gives him to Eddie.

It only takes a few seconds for Eddie to get to Chris’ bedroom, then taking care not to wake him. Eddie moves him in a cradle to his mattress. As his hands leave Chris’ head, he wakes up with half-closed eyes, tracking every single movement.

“Daddy?” Chris whispers, moving under the cover.

“Yeah, baby. What’s wrong?” Eddie asks, holding Chris’ face stroking it, hoping to send him back to sleep.

“Where’s Buck?” Chris asks and Eddie can see that he is getting worried again and clingy again.

“He’s just in the living room, Ok?” Eddie says, still stroking Chris’ face when he finishes he can the immediate easing of his worry and sleep taking over again.

Looking on the bedside table, Eddie is reminded to give Chris medicine. Just before the spoon is going to pass Chris’ lips, he stops his father. “Will you stay ‘til I fall asleep?” he asks, then taking the spoon of medicine.

“Of course,” Eddie says, sitting down on the bed, holding Chris’ feet. Taking a few seconds, Chris falls asleep, rolling over completely out of it. Carefully, Eddie gets out of Chris’ tangled mess and returns to Buck, sitting close but not to close.

Once he is comfortable, Eddie can feel Buck’s eyes on him. “Did he get down, Ok? He’s been really…” Buck says, looking at Eddie but dropping his eyes below his.

“Yeah, he went to sleep, he was a bit clingy again. He was worried about you, he just needed to know you were Ok,” Eddie tells him, trying to get a normal Buck reaction not the subdue ones he’s seen all these months but all Buck does is give a small smile and nod while he fiddling an opening in his blanket. “I’m gonna go get a beer and put the ice cream away. Do you want anything to eat?” As Eddie finishes all he hopes for is for Buck to answer yes, but he doesn’t, he just shakes his head.

So with all needs in his hands, Eddie leaves for the kitchen, looking back hoping that Buck will turn his head and ask for food. In the kitchen, Eddie puts the ice cream and gets his beer and a blister pack of tablets. Eddie comes back with a beer and sits down, spreading out and handing the pack to Buck.

When he has put away the ice cream, he comes to stand by the drawer that holds all none of the sedative medication and only a few does of narcotic painkillers. With unwilling fingers, he forms a soft grip, unsureness running down every tendon and nerve and pulls the drawer open. The drawer gets caught on the tracks halfway through and Eddie has to force it open. Inside he sorts through the neatly organised sections of Buck’s and Chris’ medication. He picks up all the medication that Buck had been prescribed since the surgery to help with reaction from having surgery, the supplement to try and give him some of the much-needed vitamins he will have been missing from not eating, then the muscle relaxer but as he does so he comes face to face with the benign-looking white box of painkillers. He has to make a decision, the tablets that box houses ones that take Buck pain away but also make his mind muddied and with Buck taking a sleeping tablet later tonight, his thinking will be just as hard as walking through treacle. Eddie doesn’t want that, he doesn’t want for hours to see how hard it is for Buck to make coherent thoughts and struggle to make any sensible speech. But he doesn’t want Buck to be in any kind of pain, and he can’t take away all of it- not the one he can sitting inside of him. With all his deliberation done, Eddie picks up the box and takes a blister pack of the tablets and lets them begin to burn a hole in his hand.

“Uh, you can have two painkillers if you need them. If you take them you might not need the sleeping tablet but um… you'll need to take the supplement as you haven’t eaten. And the anti-clotting and blood pressure meds,” Eddie says, plain of emotion and all matter, as he can’t help but feel not worthy of his family as no matter how he tries Buck isn’t getting better at any major rate, they, he are only making negligible improvements.

Doing as he’s told, Buck takes the one he has to and then the painkillers and muscle relaxers for the phantom limb pain. As he takes the painkillers, Buck watches Eddie’s face for the signs of disappointment, and as he palms them, he can see it; the slight quirk of Eddie’s eyebrows beginning to move to furrowing but that is quickly squashed but Buck does see it and feels the burn engulfing his body. Why does he always do this? Eddie has no idea what it’s like to be stuck in this body. Not only missing a leg, that his lover and sister took, but to also feel the excruciating pain of the limb, even though it is no longer attached to his body. Like usual all Buck does is swallow the feeling, everything Eddie does is because he cares. So without any water, Buck swallows his tablets dry and hopes they work like last night, but the pain isn’t even touched by the painkillers while the others work to bring his body to stability after the surgery interfered with the natural workings, all he can feel is increasing nausea from the painkillers and the pain.

“Anyway, that reminds me,” Eddie says, stretching across the back of the sofa, staying just a hair shy of touching Buck’s neck, hoping he’ll lean into it. “I made an appointment after your check-up, to get a new leg. Then it’s your therapy appointment, if that’s too much we can reschedule the therapy. We could do something after, go to a restaurant, get takeout, whatever or we could come home, binge a box set.”

Buck hums in reply, looking ahead but moving closer to Eddie’s fingers while making a twisted fist under the blanket. Skin and skin do make contact and neither moves or says anything about it, Buck just keeps looking ahead and watching TV, trying to not let what is happening on-screen affect him, Eddie does the same but is continually resisting the urge to run his fingers along the length of Buck’s neck, so he keeps taking sips of beer, hoping that this isn’t too far or too much.

Even as the comedy plays on neither of them laugh, too absorbed with one another, not in the way that would usually happen when the TV is left to join the background. Their hands would have been all over each other; needy whines, desperate sighing, breathy moans drowning out any sound the TV could make, with whispers of ‘I love you’ interrupting every other joke.

Eddie couldn’t tell how much time has passed when Buck’s head lulls onto his shoulder completely asleep. With Buck under the cover of sleep, Eddie holds Buck’s head keeping him there on his shoulder feeling the warmth of his skin but Eddie can’t help but produce a small smile on his face, he can feel the life in Buck, even if he doesn’t show it. His warm skin is so different from the cold of Shannon’s the last time he saw her, a stiff, piece of flesh laying on the cold metal slab. Just enough so he can feel the softness, Eddie brushes Buck’s cheek, admiring the way the glow of the TV hits his face and body, he can see through all of that, Buck is still the person he fell in love with. Eddie still sees the man, who knows when talking isn’t enough but drags him into the bunk room for a breather or their ritual, he still sees the man who didn’t have a second thought about taking on his child. He still sees the man who pulled him into cleaning closets, changing rooms, empty showers. He still sees the man; he could tell how small his father makes him feel. Even though the haze in Buck’s mind he still sees Buck, his fiancè, his lover, his Buck.

Exploring Buck’s face, Eddie runs his thumb over the stubble, remembering how sorry he felt for Shannon after experiencing beard burn and the good morning kisses they shared before they both shaved. Then moving along to his neck, remembering how much time he’d spent there leaving his mark on the skin and how much time he had stroked it when Buck rested his head on his shoulder. Making the journey up to the birthmark that makes him even more unique, Eddie comes across Buck’s more prominent cheekbones, leading down a path of worry.

Underfoot it is rock and uneven, all he wants is for this to stop. All that lost weight can’t be good for Buck and his recovery. Tentatively, he wraps his arm around Buck’s waist, wishing he wouldn’t wake and flinch out of his hold. When he doesn’t but just turns into him and let out a little exhale, Eddie moves cheek, just delighting in reminding himself of what Buck’s skin feels like.

This little truce is bittersweet, all of him confirming that he’s Eddie’s, he will always be Eddie’s, Eddie can’t lose his Buck. Just entranced in Buck’s sleeping form, Eddie stays like that keeping hold of Buck, assured that his arms can protect Buck from the world like he couldn’t when the bomb went off and his Buck was left under the truck. But right here right now, he can just hold Buck in his arms and know that Buck is here and alive. And that is enough for now, maybe.

A little time passes, recognising his own tiredness settling, Eddie wakes up Buck but first, he makes sure there is no inclination of cuddling him. He does the waking by just moving his shoulders, it takes a minute or two for Buck to wake up with a yawn that slowly turns into a wide-eyed expression coupled with short shallow breathing that slows down when he sets his sight on Eddie.

“Hey, you’re good. It’s just me,” Eddie tells him, moving forward to reach out, “it's late, let’s get to bed.”

Bleary through the eyes of exhaustion, Buck nods and makes the move to get up, not asking Eddie takes the crutch Buck will not need and braces his arm on Buck’s waist giving support to walk to the bedroom. In the room, Eddie places Buck on the bed, pulling the cover over him. As he leans in, he and Buck come so close that they can feel each other’s breathing on their faces, it would only take a twitch forward for their lips to meet but neither moves, just staying there; eyes flickering between eyes and lips. Only when a crutch falls to the ground, that they are pulled out of their trance, Eddie picks it up and the steps out of Buck’s space and from where he’s standing looking down at Buck watching him, thinking on what he should do next.

“Um, do you need your sleeping tablets?” Eddie asks, not wanting to see the vacant, distant look in his eyes that comes along with Buck taking them.

Buck takes in a long shaky breath, knowing he’s going to disappoint Eddie. “Yes, please…” Buck says, looking away from Eddie’s face, “tomorrow night, I’ll try. I promise.”

Forcing a smile, Eddie late on the bed to Buck’s hand then walks out of the room to get a glass of water and then he returns to the bedroom walking through to en-suite to get the sleeping tablets. Then he gives them to Buck and he quickly takes them.

After he swallows the tablets, Buck looks towards Eddie and feels this deep pool of complete need for Eddie. “Can you stay? Just until I fall asleep, please,” Buck whispers, looking at Eddie with the eyes the man can’t say no to.

“You don’t need to beg. Of course, I’ll stay,” Eddie says, walking to the other side of the bed. As he gets in, he sits up back against the headboard, not touching Buck just watching as Buck lays his head on the pillow, his breathing evening out as the faraway look fills his eyes. That look haunts Eddie, there but not really here, just frightens him. And slowly, Buck’s eyes do eventually shut and Eddie knows that this will be for many hours.

Once he is assured that Buck is finally asleep, Eddie leans over and presses a kiss to Buck’s forehead. As he does so, he can smell Buck’s scent, it surrounds his nose and he knows it is all Buck and then he pulls away to lay down, letting himself for just ten minutes have a little rest. The closing of his eyes follow soon after.

Eddie comes back to awareness, scared about how much time he’d spent sleeping. With his vision still cloudy, Eddie fumbles around for his phone, then winces at the brightness when he finally checks the time. He is relieved that only an hour has passed, with a heavy body, Eddie gets up and as quiet as a mouse he leaves their bedroom to check on Chris. Inching the door open, Eddie steps into the room and sits down on the desk chair. Sitting on it, legs stretched wide and arms folded over him, he just sits on the chair and watches his son breathing in and out. The rhythmic breathing sets a pace that Eddie’s brain settles into and before he knows it his eyes are close again and his mind is left empty coupled with even measured breathing.

Eddie does that all night, sleeping for a short amount of time then stumbling to the other room to watch his other boy for that little span of time.

Before Eddie knows it, morning arrives and all his duties need to be attended to. So just as quiet as he can manage he tiptoes out into the living room, picking up his phone arranging for Chris to stay off school for more time. Brewing coffee he returns to his bedroom to check on Buck, but when he enters, Buck’s is staring back at him.

And they stare at each, so much needed to be said, yet given no voice.

Eventually, Buck finds his voice, not the one will say what needs to be spoken but rather a quest for knowledge. “Who were you on the phone to?” he asks, hoping it’s anyone but his sister.

Eddie fumbles with the phone in his hand for a bit then sits by Buck's foot. “Uh… it was the school. I called them, I don’t think… Chris needs more time at home. He’s still so…” Eddie says looking anywhere but Buck, and placing his phone down next to him.

“Oh, Ok,” Buck says, looking down at his nails.

“I know, I should have discussed it with you,” Eddie tells him watching Buck’s bowed head, wishing he’d look up at him.

“I trust you, you’re doing what you think is best. And I haven’t…” Buck says, feeling guilty at how angry he felt at Eddie yesterday even if he didn’t act on it.

“I should have told you, you’re his… too. You need to know what’s going on. Next time, I’ll...” Eddie says, seeing Buck shutting down happening again, trying to assure him that it wasn’t about going behind his back. “You’re still tired and it’s early, go back to sleep, yeah. I’ll wake you up if you’re still asleep for breakfast.”

That’s all it takes for Buck to fall asleep again, he dozes off sat up and Eddie waits until he won’t disturb him and leaves the room to start his day, first draining a cup of coffee. With his cup empty, Eddie sets about his doing his chores; tidy up after the three of them, doing laundry Carla hadn’t got round to, putting away clean dishes, calling the pharmacy to order Buck and Chris mediation, lastly checking through empty packets noting how much pain and sleeping tablets Buck has taken this week.

With all of his chores done, Eddie goes towards Chris’ room and rifles through his drawers, picking out new clothes. Then Eddie goes to turn on the shower, leaving it to heat up, as he goes to wake up Chris. His son wakes up stuffy and whiny after a couple of false starts of him waking then falling back to sleep.

For Chris to get washed and dressed, it takes just shy of an hour, after he gives some medicine by Eddie to take down his fever. As Eddie is brushing Chris’ hair, his sore voice starts to make a sound.

“Can I stay with Buck, I’m still sleepy?” Chris asks with his eyes closing as the brush tickles his scalp, feeling calming and the repeating of it bringing him to the beginning of sleep. 

Eddie blinks, holding his eyes closed for a second. “Uh, no but we can sit together on the sofa until you want breakfast. That sound good?” Eddie says, ending it with a question that did not need an answer. When Eddie is finished, Chris turns to him and pushes his arms up at his father. “You’re not that sick,” Eddie tells him, looking at the outstretched arms before him.

Chris pouts and brings attention to his arms once more, by spreading out his fingers. “Nu-uh, I am,” Chris says, poking his tongue out to show the back of his throat then with it still out he keeps on talking, “see.”

“Oh, Ok. I believe you, put your tongue away,” Eddie says as he scoops Chris up in his arms and takes him to the living room.

Setting Chris down, Eddie sits right next to him pulling a blanket over them. While watching TV, Chris migrates onto Eddie’s lap and rests his head on his shoulder. And Eddie finds his way to running his fingers through Chris’ hair, feeling some of the weight lift a little, knowing he is able to provide some kind of comfort to his family. It was times like these, gaps in the grief and pain, where he feels like he is doing his job but the weight is still there he just feels like he can breathe again. So he just continues on not even recognising what’s happening on the screen, just the way his son smells, his breathing and the way he is comfortable with his father still, Ramon and him were close because Ramon made sure of that but Eddie never felt comfortable with him, if he was hurt he would never seek out his father or his mother but deal with it himself. As Eddie thinks on how he never wants Chris to feel like he can’t come to him or Buck, he moves Chris from his shoulder to his chest enclosing him there.

Some time passes, Chris and Eddie not aware of it, then they have their time watching TV interrupted by a knock on the door. Chris just looks up at his father, wanting to know if he has to stop getting all of his attention.

“It’s just Maddie and Chim, I’ll let them and come back to you, Ok,” Eddie says, untangling himself from Chris then walking out of the room to the door,

At the door, Eddie is greeted by Maddie and Chimney, who is holding a few bags of groceries, he notices the red tinge around Maddie’s eyes. Without saying anything, Eddie lets them and follows them into the kitchen, planning to help them put away groceries and to get a start on breakfast that they will sit down to eat.

“How are they?” Maddie asks, trying to keep her voice even and level, not tainted by the outcry that made the red appear around her eyes.

“They’re… Chris is unwell and not ready for school but apart from that he’s ok, just needs a lot of attention. But Buck I don’t know, he’s so closed off. At least when he’s angry it’s something but when he's like this, I just wonder what’s going on in his head,” Eddie says, not wanting to say anything to Maddie, whois is dealing with her own stuff to make her worry as much as he does.

“The bug at work has mostly passed, so I shouldn’t be called in again, I’ll be able to be there for Buck while you're at work,” Maddie says, getting a cup of coffee and taking a sip.

Just on the other side of the room, Chimney watches the exchange that is all about Buck without him even being in the room. Shaking his head, Chim remembers how last night all Maddie could talk about was her brother, even when they were laying in bed, she fell asleep with Buck’s name on her lips but he also knows that Buck’s outbursts of anger don't appear out of nowhere, he’s seen the twitching in his jaw and the balling of a fist, when Eddie and Maddie talk about or watch him with eagle eyes. But Chimney doesn’t say anything, just watches the two trying to make the best decision for the family.

Putting down the mug, Maddie reaches across and pats Eddie on the shoulder. “You and Chris go sit at the table, we’ll do breakfast,” Maddie says, shooing Eddie out of the kitchen. Before he is completely out of the room, Maddie asks him, “ what will Chris want?”

“I’ll ask him,” Eddie says, rubbing the back of his neck and starting to walk to the living room to his son. “I’ll get Buck too.”

“I’ll do the usual for Buck,” Maddie tells him, as he walks down the hall.

Only a few minutes later, Buck and Chris are sitting at the dinner table. Buck has his eyes half-closed and is holding his head up by resting his elbows on the table, laying his head on open palms. Chris has some of the same tiredness about him, sickness coming through to his bones and giving him a pallor, his leaning on Buck, letting his head lull on his own shoulder.

Eddie returns to the kitchen, digging through the freezer. “What are you looking for?” Chimney asks, looking up from the skillet of bacon.

“Uh, Chris’ breakfast,” Eddie says, not even looking at Chimney but still going through the freezer shelf by shelf.

“In the freezer?” Chimney responds, with raising his eyebrows.

“He wants ice cream,” Eddie tells him like this is a fact he should have already known.

“For breakfast?” Chimney questions with even more confusion.

“He’s sick. I can’t say no.” Eddie says and then finally finds the tub from last night, "Yes!"

“When have you ever said no to him… or Buck for that matter, before,” Chimney states, going back to the pan.

At the table, a bowl of ice cream is placed in front of Chris, who is still stuck and has to manage to get through the food. Only a couple of seconds later, Maddie comes to the table arms laden with food for Buck, “A bowl of oatmeal with strawberries and blueberries, also two slices of peanut butter toast, to wash it down a glass of orange juice,” Maddie says as she sets all that down in front of him.

“Like always,” Buck answers back, not even trying to keep the bitterness out of his voice as he knows he’s in store for even more of this with both of his minders around him for the day. He has come to expect this exact meal every day when either Maddie or Eddie is in charge.

Maddie disappears again, returning with Chimney bringing their and Eddie’s food with them. A conversation strikes up between Maddie, Eddie and Chimney filled with the nothingness of every day. Across the table, Buck is picking at his food with absolute disinterest, only a single bite of toast has passed his lips so far. Chris has only managed a couple of spoonfuls as he keeps losing his battle with sleep then waking up with a snort, every time he does a small laugh comes from the adults all apart from Buck who is just staring at his food not even acknowledging Chris’ antics.

After the meal they all find themselves sitting in the living room, Chris is sitting against Buck, half asleep but still awake enough to make sounds of protest when Eddie tries to move him or someone suggests he would be more comfortable in bed, not this pillow that is Buck. Chimney is sharing an armchair with Maddie, on his phone, not privy to the conversation that Maddie and Eddie are having with only looks. With their eyes straying to Buck every few seconds, observing him looking right through the wall then back at each without so much as a sound to him.

When finally Buck appears to be back in the room, moving to hold Chris’ hand when he taps on the leg that only consists of a thigh to bring his attention to him when Buck moves in such a way that makes Chris uncomfortable. The conversation Eddie and Maddie becomes vocal.

“What appointment does he have tomorrow ?” Maddie asks while wringing her hands over still so unusual non-speaking Buck. Buck’s jaw clenches.

“He has a scheduled post-surgery check-up and a therapy appointment but he might not go ‘cause I got an emergency appointment with the physical therapist,” Eddie answers the question but still looking to Maddie for advice or confirmation he’s doing the right thing. “All three might be a bit much for him all in one day,” he continues on, with Buck still in the room yet not even an inch of space is given for his opinion. Now his chin just juts out.

“Eddie, I know how you feel about therapy but you heard what the doctor said a couple of sessions ago and after… the other day… just try and get him there,” Maddie says looking directly at Eddie, while not noticing the lower of Buck’s eyebrows and the narrowing of his eyes. “Coffee?”

Eddie gets up and begins to follow her but they stop just behind Buck, standing to their full heights with Buck’s ears trapped by their stomachs. “We’ll go for a new prosthesis, I’ll come in the room with you, this time we’ll make sure it fits,” Maddie tells Eddie about Buck with him still in the room. Chimney sees Buck bite his tongue and his hands shake but before he can send an understanding look to Buck or say something to either of them, they’re gone and Buck seems to be so involved with a loose thread on his pants, that being the thing that needs his attention.

As he waits for Maddie and Eddie’s voices to leave the living room completely, he notices that Chris is now fully asleep, snoring and drooling on his shoulder. With all the voices gone, Buck worms out of Chris’ grip. Like how he got to standing, Buck does his routine of walking; soft, silent and slow. Without knowing what to say, Chimney just lets Buck leave the room.

It takes exactly as long as Buck has been expecting, for Eddie to turn up outside of the bedroom door, asking and pleading with just a sprinkle of contempt. Buck is sitting on the toilet, clenching and unclenching his fist while bobbing his only leg up and down, on the other side of the door. The only reason he is here is that this is the only room that has a lock. The only place in his home where he can breathe.

“Buck, please. Just tell me that you’re ok, please,” Eddie begs, leaning against the door holding his head in his hands. “Please, Buck. It’s been twenty minutes.”

Finally able to swallow after all the anger, hurt if Buck could be honest with himself, he finds just enough words. “I’m fine. Ok. I’m fine,” Buck repeats at the door, wishing Eddie would stop because he can feel that feeling that wants to spew out of him, along with Maddie and Eddie’s conversation playing in his mind. “I’m fine.” After his last rendition, Buck hears Eddie’s footsteps melt away, he knows he shouldn’t but he takes one large gulping breath with them all gone, he’s finally free to do so.

Emerging from the bathroom, Buck hears the tail end of whatever Chimney is saying. “All I’m saying is that… talking about… the appointments like that might be a bit much for him. We all know how difficult this is for him.”

The second that they see Buck, they all stop talking and look at each other. Fed up with them for the day, Buck just shakes his head while gritting his teeth, watching them, feeling that abyss in his stomach turns into fire in his blood. He can feel it’s existence on his tongue, bitter and sour, in the moment he can’t imagine living without it but he manages to force it down for a few sentences. “Where’s Chris?”

“In bed, didn’t even wake up,” Eddie smiles at him and Buck can see the hope on his face and it disgusts him.

How can he feel hopeful? Why do any of them get to feel anything? When even his anger, love and even hate don’t feel like his anymore? When he just feels numb, most of the time?

“I’m going back to bed. Just need a glass of water.”

“I’ll get it. You go sit down,” Maddie tells him with the same voice she had used when she was fourteen and he was six. And just like that the anger feels tangible, something he can hold, throw and all his willpower disappears, he just lets the blaze engulf him.

If he could Buck would let go of his crutches and fall around him but he settles for holding the grips so tight it hurts. “I can get my own drink. Can you just leave me alone for five minutes?” Buck shouts, spit flying out, running his teeth across his bottom lip and his hands shaking like a leaf. “I’m not a kid. Buck. Buck. Buck. That’s all I hear. And all of you don’t stop. I just want to be alone. You all act like you're not the reason, I'm like this. You're the ones who took my leg. I’m not thirsty anymore.” His speech becomes accompanied by a shaking pointed finger. As soon as he finishes speaking, he turns and stumbles his way to his bedroom.

All it takes is for Buck to sit down on the edge of the bed, for that feeling to dissipate. The reality of what he’s said comes over him, his eyes pool with tears and his breathing becomes laboured. Clasping a hand over his mouth to hide any sound, Buck begins to cry, big trails of tears running down as his under eyes start to swell and his face gets red. Guilt entombs him, top to tail, all that they do is to help get better. What kind of person gets angry at that?

Taking a deep breath, Maddie makes a decision. “I’ll stay tonight, help with everything going on tomorrow. It will be easier,” she tells him, all Chimney can see is the need to make and his life good again.

At nightfall, Eddie creeps into their bedroom, hoping that Buck is asleep. When all he can see is Buck in the fetal position with even rising and fall of his chest, he walks with purpose to Buck’s side. There, all he can see is the tracks of dried tears and snot, getting a washcloth from the bathroom, Eddie being as tender as he can he wipes Buck’s face. He takes away all the evidence of sadness, trailing around his face, across his cheeks and under his nose, marvelling at how Buck’s face is still so beautiful and as delicate as ever even like this, he wasn’t tragically beautiful from the pain and hurt, no it’s all Buck, still. When he’s done, Eddie just places the cloth down on his table and gets in bed beside Buck, curling around him like he’s protecting him from the bomb he couldn’t the first time but still not touching him apart from his hip, just so he knows he’s there as he falls asleep. As his consciousness is disappearing, all Eddie wants is to figure out how to make his Buck happy again.

* * *

**There is a striking resemblance between the act of love and the ministrations of a torturer**

**_-Angela Carter_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always every single piece of engagement is appreciated
> 
> BUT PLEASE DON'T FORGET TO COMMENT.


	15. Tide waits for no man.

**The sins of the father are to be laid upon the children.**

**_\- Shakespeare_ **

* * *

Just a few miles away from the Diaz house, the same cover of night blankets Athena and Bobby’s home. While the other members of the house are completely asleep, Bobby has been awake tossing and turning, trying to shake the thoughts that are plaguing his mind. It all keeps running back to Buck and how yesterday he could emote as much as a statue, he can’t fathom that person is Buck who he like everyone could read him like a billboard. Now in the loneliness of the night, he can’t help but remember his part in changing Evan.

Getting more tangled in his thoughts, Bobby’s eyes open more and he changes position accidentally kneeing Athena in the thigh. Waking up to the movement, Athena rolls over to face her husband. Making his breathing more shallow, he waits for her to doze off again, but she doesn’t. Eyes just barely opening, trying to shield them from the little light down the hall, she gives him a look and takes a deep breath. Matching her breathing, Bobby has a long exhale and inhale, hoping his mind will settle for her. But it doesn’t stop the reel of his thoughts pulling closer to the shore of recompense.

She holds his gaze for a few seconds, watching the features on his face after a second of eternity she gets her fill. “Try to get some sleep, Bobby. I know what you're feeling but you need sleep. Do what you need you to do, wear yourself out. But come to bed soon, you have a busy day tomorrow. Worrying won’t help him and it’ll hurt you,” she tells him, caught in half-sleep.

Waiting until Athena has returned to sleep, Bobby rolls out of the bed, pushes back the cover and rests his feet on the floor. He places his head in his hands, he can feel the wrinkling of his brow and the breathing in and out, helplessly against the thoughts in his head, Bobby gives in, going over and over all his thinking about Buck. Athena’s hand on the small of his back brings him out of the ruminating with a jump and a quick exhale, she rubs her hand back and forth lazily while Bobby sits there taking it all in. Eventually, but the lack of a clock and the cover of darkness makes time seem almost illusionary, Athena slowly stops as she falls back asleep. Feeling just a little more like himself, Bobby gets up and strolls into the kitchen, forming a plan in his mind.

Bobby as efficiently and silently as he can, looks through the cupboard and drawers, picking up whatever he needs to carry out the recipe he has decided on. Following the exact measurements he knows off by heart, Bobby places the ingredients in a bowl and begins to mix them. In the constant stirring action, Bobby loses himself in his thoughts unable to keep them from turning to Buck again. With his mind occupied, his body turns to autopilot, some of the calm that comes with baking still works but with his mind still stuck on the man and his family across the city, it doesn’t fully bring the calm it usually does. 

When he’s staring into the oven a pair of arms encase his waist with a head coming to rest on his shoulders. Just the touch is like a hand to a drowning man at sea then he returns to Athena with a smile brewing on his face he rests his chin on the top of his head. Only a second passes before Bobby lays a head on top of hers, interlacing their fingers and squeezing her hands. Athena replies with action by placing a gentle kiss on his neck.

“How long have they got left?” she asks, running her nose along his neck as she feels take a long breath while he tries to make conversation without worry.

Allowing the smile to colour his voice, Bobby says, “about half an hour.”

“And you were? Just going to stand there?” Athena asks with a slightly mocking tone that they both jibe each other with.

“No!.... I don’t know what I was going to do,” Bobby whispers, his voice getting lost along the way, “I was just…”

“Thinking?” Athena finishes for him as she pulls away leaning on the edge of the counter. “I can still see the cogs turning over.”

Bobby finds his place opposite her against the sink then gives her a shy confirming nod. Gently, he fiddles with the laces on his shorts as he feels the weight of her gaze pressing into him. Under Athena’s silent instruction, Bobby stops the unproductive worry of his and looks to her, seeing the tired, concerned sketch of her face as she watches him.

“What is it?” she asks, looking at Bobby, knowing just as she does he that both of them can’t keep Buck far from their minds.

“It’s just…” Bobby says but his voice getting quieter, moving to just above audible as he continues on. “ I feel so bad for Buck… but we can’t do this forever, no company should work short-handed but I don’t. I can’t…”

And Athena understands and she wishes she didn’t. “But for now, you’re ok. That’s all that matters, right now.”

Raising an eyebrow, Bobby looks into her eyes full of questioning. “ But… I… I’m to blame. Everything that happened to Buck is because of me,” Bobby says, his voice getting caught on every single word.

“I’ve told you this before but the only person to blame is that boy. No. One. Else.” Athena states all matter of fact, leaving no room for any kind of debate.

Stretching, then leaning back against the counter, Bobby lets out a huff of air. “He’s not coping and nothing we do is making it any better. No matter what Eddie says,” Bobby manages to get out while hooking and unhooking his finger off and on the counter.

“Is that surprising? All your kids, even you would act the same way,” Athena smiles a little, reflecting on Bobby’s need to protect his family.

Wrinkling his brow then looking at Athena with the same influence in his eyes. “You feel the same way about them?” Bobby questions, his brow becoming even more furrowed than before.

“About Buck and Eddie because they need… something they never got. The others, they aren’t for me but they are for you, there’s this thing that speaks to you about them. You and your kids are all alike, I know if this happened to you, to any of you, you’d act the same way. Maybe not to the same extent because Buck is who he is,” Athena tells him, crossing the divide between them and then taking him in her arms.

“Maybe…” Bobby says as noncommittal as possible.

Giving him a snort into his chest, Athena then pulls his body tighter against herself. “No maybes about it. The job is part of you, if you got an injury that could stop from doing the job or just make you lose some of your ability at it, you’d be just as affected,” Athena says, trying to get him to understand the point she has.

“Your job’s a part of you too,” Bobby says into Athena’s hair as he rests his chin on her head.

Shaking her head then pulling away to look Bobby in the eyes. “Not in the same way as you, firefighters,” Athena tells him, groggily as tiredness begins to return to her. While patting Bobby on the chest, she yawns gulping air into her lungs. “I’m going with them, tomorrow. You’ve got Harry, Chris and May, they're all still sick. Just put a movie and leave them to it,” Athena whispers, sleep fully returning to her.

“I know how to look after sick kids,” Bobby says, turning around and peering into the glass to look in the oven.

“Three of them?” Athena asks, making her voice indignant to Bobby whims.

Making an evasive noise, Bobby turns his head to Athena then back to the oven. “Calm down as much as you can then come to bed. You’ve had a hard shift, you’ll need your sleep for tomorrow,” Athena tells from the doorway.

* * *

Waking before the rest of the house isn't unusual for Eddie, all the military training is still instilled within him and both Buck and Chris being able to sleep through earthquakes means he quickly gotten used to potting around the house on his own in the morning. With his eyes, having just opened from sleep, Eddie watches Buck breathing, the reassuring in and out of each round of breaths and feels his body curled into him, somehow making himself as small as possible, folding every joint inwards. Eddie stays surrounding Buck as much as he can, shielding him from the world. Letting himself have a few moments of Buck, Eddie stretches his arm across Buck’s pillow just above his head and rests his nose just behind his ear, taking in all of Buck that he can’t have when they are both awake. Eddie just stays for a few seconds, wishing that they could stay like this and not have to be aware of the stagnant pool that they are bathing in when both are stuck in the realm in wakefulness.

But like everything it has to come to a stop, the ticking of each second reminding him of what the day has in store for him. The bed creaks as Eddie rolls over gentle as possible extracting his body from Buck. Finding his feet, planting them on solid ground, Eddie watches Buck, wanting to wake him and be rewarded with a kiss or maybe much more like he had done countless times before but he doesn’t he gives Buck the once over then steps out of the room pulling the door shut behind him. Following his morning routine, starting with a coffee, Eddie begins his day.

Only a short while later, Madie joins him. She pads into the kitchen, fully dressed, acknowledging him with a nod then continuing onto the pot of coffee. Quickly, she sits down opposite him, reaching out to his hand as she notices the way his face is wearing him. Eddie only allows for a second then pulls away, holding his mug a little tighter.

When the cup is completely drained, Eddie and Maddie agree on who’s doing what. Leaving Maddie to work in the kitchen, Eddie returns to his room as soft as he can then walks through to the en-suite and takes a shower. His wash is a deliberately quick affair not wanting to be out of reach for Buck or Chris for even a short amount of time. He dresses just as fast, then goes back to the kitchen, smelling the food from Maddie letting him know to wake up Chris. Today, Chris wakes up just a bit better than the day before. Clinging to his father’s neck, Chris whispers a croaky ‘good morning’ while relishing a return hug. Then with Eddie following behind him, he slips out of bed and strolls to the kitchen, where Eddie dishes out more medicine, feeling like a pharmacist again.

In a state of fluidity, Eddies sets Chris down at the table, ruffles his hair just slightly and then walks to his bedroom to wake up Buck. He wakes, dragging himself out of sleep and blank blinking to wakefulness. The same as the day before, Buck is given breakfast made by Maddie but today, there is something _off_ about Buck today. He woke up distant, Eddie had put that down to how he fell asleep; alone, angry, so angry that he fell asleep with fear still stuck on his face. Now, a few minutes later, Buck is just staring at the wall, not even picking at his food but just eating it automatically like he’s not even aware of what he’s doing.

Finding Maddie’s eyes, Eddie and her share the same look, the complete furrowing of their eyebrows and the slight narrowing of their eyes.

Not yet having received or said good morning to Buck, Chris stops eating and pats Buck on his forearm. “Good morning,” He says, his hand still touching Buck’s arm.

So robotic, that it makes everyone uncomfortable, Buck turns towards Chris and places his hand on top of Chris’. “Good morning to you, too,” Buck whispers, his volume almost non-existent. “Is your throat still sore?”

“Yeah… but not as bad as yesterday. But now my skin is all itchy and Dad and Maddie won’t let me scratch it,” Chris pouts to Buck, noticing how Buck doesn’t really seem here and tries to get him back by appealing to the side that usually helps him get what he wants from Eddie.

Clearing his throat after another sip of orange juice, Buck’s mind and body maintain that distance from all of them. Eddie feels all that concern, he’s been having since the surgery fill him with double the force. If you’d of told him just months ago there would be this distance between him and Buck, he would have laughed in your face. Eddie would do anything, short of tearing himself in half, to make it go away. He’d do anything to help, to do his job of healing the hurt of his family.

Peeling away from Maddie and his food, Eddie goes towards Buck, watching each and every moment. He sees the plain look on his face as he tries to get his attention. There is still a completely neutral expression on Buck’s face as he swallows spoonfuls of food, Eddie is happy that Buck is actually eating but he sees the forced flexing of the muscle in his throat to make the food end up in his stomach. He’s wondering why Buck keeps shovelling food into his mouth, Buck doesn’t seem to be aware of what he’s doing, just following the motions to eat while he and Maddie know what his tablets do to his appetite, Eddie could almost imagine that is for them, to make him happy and then it becomes a furious, accusing guilt in his belly, but the way Buck continues eating, staring at the wall and Eddie can see the effect his sleeping and pain medications have, his mind occupied and yet wholly empty, the dozed far away look.

All that together, makes Eddie eat quicker, he wants, he needs, to be there for Buck, to take him out of his situation and keep him in a swaddle, safe and it reminds him that he has to get everyone ready for the day. Taking his late bite of food, Eddie feels a wash come over him, it always hurts walking through the door of the hospital, sitting the plastic chairs that creak with every movement, the single bit of proof of his failure at his job, that he knows that his father’s lessons should have been able to make him do his job of protecting his family, but he can do what he has to. Eddie can hurt if it’s for Buck. Eddie can hurt for Buck if it means that he will get better.

As soon as he washes down his last bite with a chaser of coffee with thoughts trying to stick in his mind, Eddie gets up his chair scraping across the floor. Walking over to Buck, placing his feet so they barely make a sound, he reaches behind Buck and Chris standing in between their chairs, Eddie helps Chris get out the chair and stand next to him, by moving his crutches under his arms

Before he is about to leave, Eddie squeezes Buck’s shoulder but he doesn’t react to it, his skin doesn’t even seem to dip under the compression. Eddie swallows the thick layer of bile in his mouth. “I’m going to help Chris get ready for Bobby to look after him,” Eddie says, but no reaction comes from Buck, not even just the slight hard setting of his jaw. Over Buck’s head, he gives Maddie a look and she replies in like but Eddie can see the burying of the tears in her eyes. Giving her a short nod, Eddie then pats Chris on the back and follows him to the bedroom to start getting ready. Chris is dressed in clothes that are only one step up from pyjamas, just appropriate enough to visit a family member's house. When Eddie leaves Chris, he is pulling on his socks, huffing and puffing as his illness begins to make itself known.

Eddie returns to the Buckley siblings, Maddie poised and ready to take on the day and Buck looking exactly the same as when and Chris had left the room, just staring at the wall and his hand wound tight against the spoon that is sat in an empty bowl. There is still a bland, plain look on Buck’s face and his body is slumped but Eddie can see the painful, pitiful stiffness in his muscles. As he gets nearer to Buck, Eddie has to force down some of that worry that wants to erupt out of his body, ever since Buck had come home from the hospital he would have these episodes, they are a few different kinds; the most common being the nightmares that render him completely anchored in the accident but these ones where there is no indication of life but emptiness, no heavy, laboured breathing or violent confusion crying or the bucket loads of sweat dripping off of him. All there is nothing. Buck seems to be a shell of a person. Just managing it, Eddie gets to Buck, standing behinds as he shares the same raised eyebrows with Maddie.

“Chris should be coming out in a bit. Can you check if he’s got a fever?” Eddie asks, moving his hands to hold the backrest of Buck’s chair yet still not going anywhere near his flesh. To anyone it would be a difficult fear, to get so close and yet be so distant.

“I’ll know what to do,” Maddie smiles, the sadness behind it comes through still loud and demanding to be heard as she artfully avoids looking at her brother, not wanting to have to witness any more of his hurt.

Giving her a short and absolutely affected smile, then nodding. “If he falls asleep, don’t wake him. He’ll need it, he’s starting to feel ill again. Just put on the TV and he’ll sit and watch it. He’ll ask for one of us but tell him we won’t be long,” Eddie tells, making sure she has listened to every instruction.

Eddie taps Buck on the shoulder, the two of them colliding for a mere moment. Buck doesn’t do anything, not even a flinch or a twitch and Eddie won’t admit but maybe the only reason he touched Buck without as much deliberation as he usually does because he knows when Buck is in this state he won’t have to worry about Buck’s reaction because he won’t have one.

Again he taps Buck on the shoulder and again he doesn’t turn to Eddie. “Buck… Buck. Buck.,” Eddie calls out to him again and again, this time Buck turns like a creaking automaton towards Eddie, his face still having the out of reach expression. “You need to get ready,” he tells Buck and without waiting he wraps an arm around Buck and pulls him up then helps him hobble to the bedroom.

Planting Buck on the bed, taking care, making sure he is far enough on the bed that he cannot fall off the bed, Eddie lets go of Buck slowly, being drawn in by the blank still in his eyes. All Eddie wants to do is hold Buck’s face, running his thumbs over his cheeks until he comes back to him. No matter how much he wants to, Eddie doesn’t, the weight of the day looming over him and the all-consuming burn of what Buck will do when he is aware of Eddie’s hands on him.

Unable to look back without the little voice in his head whispering ‘coward’ again and again and again, Eddie sets about looking through their drawers to find an outfit for Buck. He just finishes picking out sweatpants, he hears Buck let out a small, soft sound. At the behest of that Eddie marches over to Buck, dropping the clothes right next to him. Eddie pushes his hands either side of Buck’s hips, encasing him in his arms, shielding his body with the sheer mass of him, “ Buck, what is it?” he asks but Buck just makes the same sound, not even getting louder. “Baby. Buck. Baby, I can’t help you until you tell me. Baby, what is it?” Eddie asks, bit forcefully and using the pet name that Buck hates to try to get an answer out of him.

“I’m going to be sick,” Buck says, having a desperate, far off tone that bores into Eddie’s chest. Usually, Buck would look towards his face, staying just below his eyes as to not engage in eye contact, but when he doesn’t do that Eddie knows he should worry, Buck isn’t bothered about anything with him not being here.

Eddie whirls into action, pulling Buck and helping him to shuffle to the bathroom, speeding to avoid any vomit ending up on the floor. Still holding Buck up, Eddie feels BUck’s body jerk forward with a gag. With his arms still clasped around Buck, Eddie knows he needs to get him closer to the toilet but he is unsure how to get him there, Buck can’t kneel and in this fugue state he won’t be able to follow direction. Another gag comes from Buck’s body, so Eddie does what he can, moves to the floor, feeling guilty as to how he gets there leaves him open to getting hurt. He would have never moved Buck like this if he had a choice.

Buck ends up curled on his leg, his side resting against the cistern of the toilet and the wall of the shower. His head is laying on the toilet seat with no effort to pick it up. As Eddie sits opposite Buck as he looks straight in the eyes only to see the glossy dazed sent back to him, making him see that Buck is not trying to move his head isn’t the sickness taking over but rather the state he is in, keeping him from being in charge of his body properly.

With his body both loose and tight, all the bubbling in his stomach, rising into his throat. The stream comes out fast, the sheer force of it being the only thing energetic about Buck recently without needing to think, the knowledge that Buck is so unlikely to remember this and just wanting to give him, anything he can, all he can try to help him, Eddie reaches over Buck’s back while watching as his eyelashes touch his cheek with every blink.

Making the circles he is rubbing bigger, Eddie whispers to Buck. “That’s it. Let it all out. You’ll feel better afterwards.” Buck stops to take a breath and Eddie brushes his fingers against Buck’s cheek, then he retracts his fingers, not wanting to linger scared that at any moment Buck will come back to his body with violent fear that Eddie would do anything to take it away; the harsh breathing, the racking sobs, the desperate begs and pleads. Then all at once, it erupts from Buck again, his body not only expelling today’s breakfast but everything sitting in his stomach since his last meal. And after another round of vomiting, with the same force as earlier Eddie begins to worry that Buck is going to rupture a blood vessel, it finally stops.

Taking a beat, his breathing a heavy like movement that you can see the effort in, Eddie waits until he is sure that Buck won’t be sick again then he swings into motion. Not wanting to, Eddie gets up, leaving Buck on the floor, to get some antibacterial wipes and wipes the toilet seat, lifting Buck’s head up and resting it against his legs. Getting his arm around Buck, Eddie moves him onto the toilet seat. He makes sure that Buck is safe, firmly situated on the seat with no risk of falling off. With no clear task next, Eddie has to look at Buck’s face again and fully examine it like an archaeologist finding some ancient pottery.

Seeing the absolutely gone look on Buck’s face Eddie has to shudder. Again he has to stop himself from trying to grab his face and push their foreheads together while waiting for him to come back. Unable or unwilling to do what he wants, Eddie styles for getting two fingers under Buck’s chin and pushing it up, forcing Eddie into Buck’s view but he still does not have any occupation or attention from Buck, only this vague look stares back at him. “Buck, look at me,” Eddie says soft and slow but all he receives is a blink. “Buck, baby. Buck, you need to take a shower,” Eddie tells him, trying but failing to keep the desperation out of his voice and like before all he gets is a blank blink. “Buck, can you answer?” He questions but he doesn’t even need to wait for an answer as he feels Buck looking through him, through everything into his own empty world of his own. “Ok. You’re not going to... You’re not here enough to,” Eddie says to no one in particular as he knows Buck isn’t able to say anything.

Using his hands, Eddie pulls Buck’s clothes off then he picks Buck up again and transfers him to the shower chair. With his cold fingers, Eddie lifts Buck’s chin to him. “Buck you need to take off your boxers,” Eddie tells him, using the same tone he does when Chris needs help and slowly, fumbling with every twitch Buck starts to shimmy them off. Once they pass his hips, Eddie pulls them off taking his sock off too.

It takes Eddie a short amount of time to get the water to the right temperature and pressure, he has to take a few breaths before he is able to turn his head and face Buck. As he sees Buck’s face, he doesn’t know what he fears more; the overtaking of a flashback or this warm lifelessness. Slowly, moving inch by inch, he stands before Buck hoping to see the light or even just some actual awareness of where he is.

“Buck you just need to wash, ok. Can you do that?” Eddie asks but he isn’t sure that he was ever really asking Buck but looking into his eyes, hurting himself by witnessing that, the real Buck isn’t here. “No, you can’t. I’ll help,” Eddie tells the air and then steps out of the shower. 

Not taking even a fraction of a second longer then he needs to, Eddie strips out of his clothes and joins Buck in the shower. Soft pellets of water hit his back as he manoeuvers Buck onto one side of the shower chair, he remembers when he was buying it thinking that it would be a waste of money to get the biggest one but it was the only one left in the store but now being able to help Buck he cannot be more grateful for the space. With Buck ‘away’ his body moves under Eddie’s will like a ragdoll. Having space, Eddie slots onto the plastic chair, just a slight creaking coming from it as it has to accommodate the new weight.

Like what he’s been since he woke up, Buck keeps a soft rigidity, his mind untouchable, even to him, he remains locked into his body and out of his mind. Eddie pulls Buck into his side, with Buck’s head lulling onto his shoulder. As skin on skin increases, Eddie’s want to let go gets stronger, he’s been wanting this for so long for Buck to let him touch him again, the burn in the back of his eyes stings more than he thought possible as he has to make peace with the fact that Buck won’t even have the vaguest idea this has happened when he comes back to consciousness.

Starting slowly, Eddie nudges Buck forward so his leg and chest are under the stream of the shower, then gathers up the washcloth then moves it to Buck’s arms, coating them with soap. As he moves around Buck’s body, Eddie can remember the showers they have taken together: the ones that made them late, the one where they have stayed in the water so long that every single stretch of skin is wrinkly, the ones where they left shower drunk of satisfaction and even more drunk in love. Eddie wishes that it was one of those showers instead of but also the idea of anyone else but him looking after Buck like this, as intimate as this makes him feel physically sick. He knows that it, as he’s been taught to look after his family, is his job to be the one that can be relied on but for Buck and Chris it is more than a job or an obligation to help, to heal them, it is a need for Eddie.

Buck hears himself blink.

It is deafeningly loud.

Awareness comes to him with a jerk. He can feel the cold if the glass on his forehead, the fabric of the seat against his fingers, the warmth of his foot in the shoe. He can feel all of this but at the same time, he can not grasp these sensations. He knows what he’s feeling and that is feeling it but they don’t feel like his.

Next to him, Chris is in the same position, head leaning against the car window but asleep, snoring loudly through his mouth and not his blocked nose. In front of him, in the passenger and driver's seat, Maddie and Eddie chat as they do so Buck can see the lines around their lips, at the corner of their eyes and the expanse of their foreheads.

As the journey continues, Buck is absurdly comforted and naturally troubled by the numbness he feels about everything at the moment. The world moving by outside of the window seems like he’s watching TV. Inside of the car, the fabric under his fingers, the noise or talking, Chris snoring feels like he’s in a box, that he can see and hear through but move through it to actually make an impact in his life. Inside of him is the reserve of Pandora’s box, all his bad feelings gone but all his good feelings gone too. Now there is an emptiness, a numbness, a hollowness. If he could, if he wasn't completely disconnected from the world, the two entities being separate things in the same world, Buck would cry even more so unused to being devoid of feeling.

Eventually, with time passing by for Buck instantly and all too slowly with the world away from his fingertips, they are at Bobby’s and Athena’s house. Bobby comes out of the house dishevelled standing next to Athena who is standing tall and neatly manicured. As they get closer to the car, Eddie looks through the gap back at Chris and Buck, the two of them lock eyes and just for a beat, while Bobby and Athena reach the car making wrench himself away. Greeting them with a too wide, too-bright smile, Eddie opens his door and steps out. Eddie closes the door behind him then a whispered conversation passes between the three of them and then it stops all of them turning to Buck. Purpose running through him, Eddie opens the door making Chris blink away for a few seconds then falling back asleep.

“Hey, kid. C’mon wake up, you’re at Bobby’s” Eddie says, pulling Chris into his arms and stretching to undo his seatbelt.

“Eddie, you don’t have to wake him, all the kids are still asleep too,” Bobby tells him as he places a firm hand on Eddie’s shoulder.

Pulling back slightly while making a tight smile. “He has to say goodbye. If he doesn’t with both of us gone…” Eddie whispers, trying to keep his voice empty, “you won’t be able to get him settled if I don’t. Trust me, sick and unsettled Chris is not something you want to deal with.” Bobby gives Eddie a small nod while he lets go of his shoulder.

Rubbing encouraging circles on his back, Eddie wakes Chris up slowly. “Good morning, again, sleepyhead. We’re at Bobby’s. We’ve got to get Buck to the doctors. So you need to say goodbye.”

It takes a few moments of rapid breathing for Chris to wake and even when he does it is easy to see the lethargy from the sickness and the tiredness creeping back in.

With sleep still clouding him, Chris turns towards Buck and lazily buries his head into Buck’s neck. “ I don’t like the doctors either but you still haven’t beaten me at surgeries,” Chris tells Buck, making a soft pout. “Bye, Buck,” Chris finishes, turning out from where he is resting.

“Bye Chris,” Buck tells him and he knows he should feel something. He should feel something. He should feel anything. But he doesn’t at all, he just feels numb. Just numb. All he feels is behind a wall of glass like an exhibit on display in a museum. He can hear the voice in his head drilling into him that he’s ‘just like his parents. Not there, never there.’

In a flurry, Eddie takes Chris into the house while Maddie, Athena and Buck have a conversation but even as the words leave his mouth he doesn’t actually know what he is saying.

All too quickly with his focus so far away from Buck, all four; Eddie, Maddie, Athena and Back arrive at the hospital. A few whispers pass between them, then Athena and Maddie leave the car.

As soon as the doors are closed, Eddie turns to Buck breathing out a sigh when Buck actually looks at him but it is cut short when Buck’s eyes drop just below his.

“When did you come back?” Eddie asks, wanting to reach out and smooth the wrinkles in Buck’s brows.

Buck flicks his head to Eddie for just a second then moves back down and makes a half-hearted nod.

“You were gone, weren’t you? When did you come back?” Eddie repeats a little harsher, seeking out an answer.

Buck has a few forced swallows and the clenching, unclenching of his jaw before he is even able to deal with the concept of speaking. “Uh… the car before we got to their house but we left ours,” Buck says, with a voice sounding withered, far older, exhausted and not in the same plane of existence as everyone else.

“That’s a long time,” Eddie says, trying to keep his voice plain but Buck hears the vacuum beneath the surface and knows it is disappointment.

“How did you know I was… gone,” Buck asks, his voice having quickly lost its again, the sound becoming far younger than even Chris.

“You weren’t…”  _ you.  _ “I just knew,” Eddie says as her voice gets more desperate.

The desperation breaking through the emotion he is trying to hide, crawls at Buck breaking through the numbness now he has something to prove, everything to prove. “ Eddie, I promise it didn’t happen when I was looking after Chris. I promise. I promise,” Buck reels off, in almost chant.

Eddie wants to reach out and take him by the hand and grab his face, forcing him to calm down. He can feel the itching but Eddie doesn’t answer the call.

“It’s ok. I know you didn't. It’s ok. I know Chris…”  _ is safe with you.  _ Eddie never gets to say those words because Athena and Maddie return to the car, opening the door in a way that is so energetic that just seeing them Buck wants to go back to bed and sleep for a thousand year then maybe a few more.

They’re early, like always, Eddie with all programming it is hard for him to not be punctual, so they wait in the hospital cafeteria. Eddie sets Buck down and then sits opposite him, waiting for Maddie and Athena to return with styrofoam cups of coffee. When they do, Buck has a cup placed in front of him and he takes short, shallow sips letting his skin warm as he holds it, while remarking at how  _ he  _ doesn’t feel cold or warm. Around him, Maddie, Athena and Eddie politely ignore their burnt coffee as they talk about Buck, going over their war plan for his body and mind.

Knowing if he really tried Buck could head and understand what they are saying but he doesn’t care enough to try. He even purposefully ignores the ears as he doesn’t have care, not even for him to be miffed let alone angry.

It could have been a short or long time but the attention of all three of them is on him. “Buck… Buck… Evan…” Maddie reticent ending with Buck actually looking up from the pool in his cup. “Do you want to know what we’re going to say?” Maddie asks but it doesn’t really sound like a question.

All Buck does is shrug and make a barely audible hum then turns back his cup of hot coffee. The more he stares into the coffee, the numbness swirls around him, in him, like he is in the coffee and the sugar is his emptiness. As more of it dissolves into him, Buck wonders if the hot coffee fell into his lap would he actually feel it or would he just sit there letting his skin blister as it bones into his skin until Maddie it Rdir it even Athena noticed and pulls him up, shouting at him for not doing anything. That all moving in his mind makes him grip the cup just a little tighter. Across the room, high on the wall a clock sits and Buck wishes the hand would freeze instead of reminding him that his appointments are getting ever closer. He watches the tick… tick… tick… make a full minute and the numbness both increase and decreases.

Time waits for no man, so the time for the appointment and Athena leaves for the physical therapist so they can have a _casual conversation_ and Maddie and Eddie make the move to the check-up. Unable to do anything but Buck follows him as they lead from the back herding him into the waiting room.

Doctor Richards greets them with a wave and a smile, then leans against the door welcoming them into the room.

“Hello,” he smiles at all of them, settling into his chair. “Hello, Buck,” he says at the man who hasn’t even given him a cursory glance.

“Blood pressure first, then weight,” he states even though Buck knows the routine. Buck shrugs off the look he didn’t know he was wearing then holds out his arm. He tries to hide his flinch as hands touch his skin but all of them notice. Doctor Richards carries putting the blood pressure cuff on and placing the flat of the stethoscope just under the cuff, no one dares speak while it is happening. The doctor pulls away looking at the dial, Maddie copies him letting out a small sigh as she sees only half of the information.

He makes a quick note, then places the file on his desk the signals to the scales. Without any kind of infusion life, Buck gets onto the scales, Richards rolls over and waits for numbers to make a decision, when they do he can’t his loud exhale. He taps on Buck’s arm and tells him, “sit down.”

Then he picks up the file and silence befalls the room, only the scratching of the pen making noise as they wait for him to talk again. When he finishes he rests on his arms and leans towards them. “So, Buck, you've lost weight again,” he says, leaving a purposeful pause at the end.

Eddie uses the pause, “we’ve been doing everything to stop it but the painkillers and the sleeping tablets…” he says, feeling his walls starting to rise.

Eddie can see the cogs turning in the doctor's mind. “So we’re at the point where he’s not considered unweight but I’m concerned as you probably are. As you may know below eighteen point five on the BMI scale but under twenty is when we start to get concerned, Buck is at nineteen point five. So we need to maintain this weight, ok? Right now, I think that gaining weight will be too much. So we’ll maintain for now but revisit in a month. It will be helpful for Buck to gain weight but we don’t want to actively try.”

Again the doctor scribbles on Buck’s file, then turns to Buck again. “Eddie called me yesterday and told me what happened with the leg. If Roland…” Doctor Richards stops himself and adjusts what he’s about to say, “if Doctor Marks, your physical therapist, and I had an open dialogue this wouldn’t have happened.” Doctor Richards shakes his head just slightly then speaks once more, “anyway, let me check the residual limb.”

As his pants leg is rolled back, Buck looks away, feeling that gag rise in his throat as his eyes and his stump cross paths. And the numbness ebbs just enough to allow him to actually feel the gag rising in his throat. As he stares at the corner of the room, the poking and prodding on the stump not only from the doctor's fingers but from Eddie's and Maddie’s eyes. Carrying on, Buck knows the doctor's investigation is still happening but his hollowness returns to full effect, not really feeling the touches against his skin. Like a statue, frozen in a position, his head turned away from his body that faced forward.

Eventually, in an instant, the doctor rolls backwards to his desk to note down even more information. Swinging back to them, he gives a professional smile before he speaks, ”ok, so the asking in the residual limb needs debridement but it can wait, I'll schedule it for tomorrow. It'll be in outpatients surgery. We’ll also do blood at the same time, ” Doctor Richards takes a pause and reinforces his professional stance. ”Not because I think anything is wrong. I just want to be informed on what is happening in Buck's body.”

This appointment continues on in a similar fashion; Buck staring off into the void with even his breathing feeling out of place in his body. Eddie and Maddie continue engaging with the Doctor using jargon that if Buck was listening to he wouldn't understand. The topic of medication comes up and both of them raise their concerns but they are provided with the information they already know that ’recovery doesn't have a timeline to adhere to, it happens when it happens’. Then it ends with polite smiles, handshakes and Buck remaining as stoic as he has been most of the day. As they are herded out of the room and start to make the journey to the physical therapist's office, Buck wants to bolt, the voice of the man already pounding in his head and this time when the numbness falls away, he knows it won't come back.

The posters on the wall are almost all old people with their thumbs up and sickly positive slogans like ’old age doesn't mean any fun.’ Buck remembers the first time he sat here and had the posters boring into his eyes as he waited for all to be revealed as a joke. He never found them comforting and now having to see them; it doesn’t stop from rolling his eyes as it just highlights that no one knows what to say and leaves him feeling insulted by the wrinkly faces and motivational quotes.

Buck doesn't know when Athena joined them but there is a sour expression on her face. Without speaking she takes his hand in hers making Buck only a few steps away from crying, no one but Eddie and Maddie had ever really been there for him but Athena is different from her it feels like something he never had before, not properly but Maddie always did her best. Athena squeezes his hand a light stronger, ” I'm sorry, that you can't change who you're seeing, ” she says with a sombre smile on her face. As she finishes talking, her touch begins to feel suffocating, like he's too big in a too small room. So Buck lets go, the old air holding him again and he nods with the little energy he can muster.

Without a second to settle, a woman with a clipboard appears and calls out, ”Evan Buckley for Doctor Marks in room twenty-five.”

Eddie stands in front of him and without so much as a squeak he helps Buck to his crutches then with waiting hands he follows behind for any kind of stumble. Maddie walks Eddie still going over every word spoken at the previous appointment.

There is something about these ancient chairs that everyone hates but the loud creaking with every movement that heightens the stress that Buck’s heart is under. Marks hadn’t even entered the room but Buck can already feel the itching all over his skin. The four eyes are all over Buck, only seek to increase it. He just waits, all with them, tapping his finger on the arm of the chair as he tries to build up the numbness again.

Tap.

Tap. Eddie looks at him this time.

Tap. Maddie rolls her eyes and resists the urge to stop him from doing it again.

Just before he can do another tap, the doctor enters the room without a word.

“So, I've had a conversation with Doctor Richards and… Athena,” he says with a smile that you can almost taste the bitterness in. “and I know what is going, now but… I really should have been your first point of contact about prosthesis.” 

Eddie matches the flavour in his tone. “We understand that  _ Doctor  _ but Doctor Richards was told because we had the appointment with him first and Athena’s family.”

The Doctor gives him a pleasant, bitter smile then turns away from them uncovering a few prosthetic legs. The artificial limbs performing for the three of them, makes Buck look anywhere but the space they inhabit.

“So you have a selection to choose from as your everyday leg, I’ll just need to make a few adjustments. Then it will be good to go,” he huffs out not even moving his head slightly towards Buck. “Which will it be?”

Buck hears the words but doesn’t turn his head or thinks about answering. He doesn’t want this. He wants his own leg. There is no anger in him, right now but he is missing what he should be doing today; fixing Abeula’s door and being fed way too much food or just having a day out with his boys or a date night with Eddie. Feeling as fragile as a mirror, Buck looks off into the distance, maybe he’ll find himself in there. 

Swallowing the lump in his throat and just managing to squash the harsh exhale that wants to come out of him, Eddie sends a look to Maddie over Buck’s head. Maddie reaches out, tapping his hand with her knuckles.

“Buck…” she calls out and painstakingly slowly Buck turns his head.

“You chose, you’re the one who has to look at it,” Buck tells Eddie, looking directly at him but avoiding eye contact.

Taking another swallow, trying to hide his well of feelings Eddie can only get out, “Buck…”

“Right, I’ll give you another intermediary prosthetic. It’s swollen again, anyway,” he states with professional courtesy but his face looks like he’s been sucking on a lemon. “Next time, maybe, you’ll be a bit more involved, Buck.” 

For a few seconds, he disappears out of the room then returning with a leg in hand that actually looks worse than the one he had before. Without a word, he pulls up Buck’s pants leg and pushes the leg onto his residual limb. As he does his usual check, Buck feels the pinching again and decides that he's doing this for Maddie and Eddie to keep the appearance of making sure it fits. Again, without asking he reaches out and touches Buck’s stump, making a shiver run through his body, to let him know he’s done.

“I’ll see you for our next scheduled appointment in a month,” he says with the same soured expression.

Buck takes off the leg and hands it to Maddie, then gets his crutches under him, clinging to the little relief he gets when they let him get up and walk to the door on his own.

All in all, the whole appointment takes no longer than ten minutes. Just as Eddie is about to leave the room Doctor Marks stops him.

“Eddie, next time, don’t book an emergency appointment if he’s not going to participate,” he smiles at Eddie who fights the overwhelming urge to punch him. So he just nods and walks away back to Buck.

When he does Buck walks a bit closer to him but they still don’t touch and that only makes their gap more obvious. “I don’t want to go to therapy, I’m really tired,” Buck says and Eddie can see the weariness in Buck, he wants to take him to bed and hold him while he sleeps.

“That’s ok,” Eddie says lightly because it is the most obvious thing in the world.

“But Maddie,” Buck almost whines.

“She’ll be fine with it, Buck, If it’s going to make you sick. She won’t want it,” Eddie says.

With a quick conversation and a quick call to the therapist’s office, all of them get into the car.

With all his numbness falling away as they pull into the parking lot of the supermarket, all Buck wants to do is make up for not being able to feel his love for his boys. As Eddie moves the gear stick into park, Buck wants to pull both of his arms around him, surrounding him and he wants to let go to tell Eddie how sorry he is for not being there for most of the day.

Buck watches as Eddie, Maddie and Athena talk, Eddie tells them he needs to pick up some medication for Buck and Chris and Athena says she needs to get Bobby some ingredients for dinner. Feeling this draining pool of guilt from earlier today, Buck wants to cling to Eddie. As they begin to get out of the car, Buck cuts in with a voice, a little louder than it needs to be, “Can I come with you?”

Popping his head back into the car with raised eyebrows, he asks “are you sure?”

The only thing, Buck has only ever been more sure of saying yes to Eddie when he asked the question. Right now all he wants with every single fibre of his being is to be close to Eddie, even if they won’t cross the bridge of touch. “Yeah, I’m sure. Need some air,” Buck says slowly, in turn, Eddie's jaw softens just so that only Buck can see it, his fingers also soften the action.

When he steps you out of the car, he is using his crutches and new leg and shiny leg. Buck is sent a look by both Maddie and Eddie, he can hear their voices; Maddie sounds like when they were kids and she would be telling him off, Eddie sounds like how he talks to Chris when he’s not putting in enough effort into his PT exercises, but before a peek out of their mouths he speaks first. “I’ll try it at home first. I’ll be unbalanced in the beginning,” he tells them, moving away with no sound, he makes his routine of walking making sure he has the last word.

Eddie catches up with Buck at the entrance of the store. Both of them don’t say anything to each other, Buck lets Eddie lead the way to the pharmacy as he follows behind with their physical gap smaller than the other one between them. Buck can see Eddie, looking back to him every few seconds to check to see if he is still there and Buck doesn’t know it is because he is worried that he is going to disappear at any second or he that the day is going to catch up with him and he’ll slow to an unavoidable stop.

As they move further into the store they begin to get closer to the clothing aisles. First, they pass the women’s aisle and see the back of Maddie’s head then they pass the men’s section and then they get to the children’s aisle. Just as they are about to pass it, a flash of blue and red catches Buck’s eye. “Eddie!” he calls out as he turns to the clothing set that caught his eyes. Eddie looks to Buck’s voice and sees the same thing Buck did. “We have to get that for Chris,” he tells Eddie while pointing to it.

“But he has enough pyjamas,” smiling at how his partner is always thinking of their kid.

“Yeah, but he’s sick and he loves Superman,” Buck says, his face doing the same thing both he and Chris do to Eddie when they want to get their way.

“Ok, fine. He’ll enjoy it, you’re right,” he agrees, smiling at Buck while picking it off the rail. Doing the same back Buck relishes in the praise Eddie gives him.

As Eddie turns back into the centre aisle, he and Buck come face to face, staring at each other. Heavy breathing as they both don’t know what to do next, they could do anything. On one of their intakes of synchronized breathing, Eddie drops the clothes and Buck like a wild animal, all instinct, he backs off, putting a safe distance between them. When Eddie returns to standing the two of them act like nothing has happened and continue on to the pharmacy.

* * *

Eddie picks up the medication and everyone returns to the car to make the journey back to Athena’s house. 

When they arrive at the house, the only person in the house is May, who is laid on the couch with the blanket half on her and one leg thrown on the back of it. In front of her the TV is playing a movie that Buck knows is Twilight.

Maddie and Eddie walk into the house, helping Athena with the bags to bring them all in at once. As they gather round the counter, striking up conversation and Athena making up drinks for all of them as Buck sits down near them, they day gets to him and he feels exhausted. Stretching out his arms and shaking his head to relieve some of the tiredness in him. Within a few seconds the door opens and Chris, Harry and Bobby come through it.

“They were getting a bit restless, so I took them out for a drive,” Bobby announces as he joins Athena at her side and gives her a quick kiss on the cheek.

Harry says “hi,” to his mother as he joins his sister on the couch while Chris tackles his father’s legs with a hug, who returns the action by ruffling his hand through his hair and smiling. Then gives the same hug to Buck.

As soon as Buck saw Chris walk through the door, his body reacts reminding him of his feeling of nothing earlier when he said goodbye with this violent, bubbling fire in his stomach. He needs to prove, to wet that fire in his stomach, that that didn’t mean anything, it was just his mind not engaging with him. Not needing to think he returns the hug, making sure his arms are tight and secure trying to pot what he can feel now in it.

Once Buck has let go of Chris he turns to Eddie, waiting for a break in the conversation. “Ugh… Eddie. Do you have the clothes we got at the store?” he asks, only looking away from Chris for just a few seconds.

Eddie looks back at them, breaking away from the bubble to answer and walking over to his boys with the clothes in hand. “Yeah, I do,” he says, joining them standing on the other side of Buck opposite Chris.

When he is being shown it, Chris makes a little gasp that ends in a cough when the air hits a sore spot in his throat. “Can I put them on now ?” he asks, with his voice sounding even sorer after his cough. At the question, Eddie looks back at the group in the kitchen.

“It’s ok. I’ll take him,” Buck says beginning to stand up, pushing up from his crutches.

“Are you sure?” Eddie asks with an expression that Buck can’t read, all tight lips and softened eyebrows.

“Yeah, it’s not like I’m going to talk,” Buck answers, now fully standing up, hands on his crutches.

Buck and Chris get to the spare bedroom and he helps Chris get into his clothes, holding them out for him to wriggle into.

When they are done, Chris joins Buck on the bed sitting beside him. Still under the power of remembering the emptiness from earlier Buck pulls Chris into another hug and rests his head on top of Chris’. “Chris, you know that I love you, right. You know I love no matter what,” Buck tells Chris, bedding him to know and believe it.

“Yeah, I do,” Chris says, a yawn cutting his speech in half, “I love you too, Buck.”

Aware of the yawn he has just made, Buck sets Chris down to lie on the bed. Under the spell of sickness, Chris almost immediately falls asleep. As he watches Chris sleep the bed becomes inviting the tiredness in muscles aching to be released. Buck lays down, telling himself it is only to rest but as he finishes doing so his eyes close and he sleeps:

A little while later, Maddie comes into the room to check on them. She smiles at the threshold of the room, when she sees both Buck and Chris fast asleep, she couldn’t help but remember that she never thought it was possible for either one of them to have something like this. From the doorway, she thinks on the day, she was convinced that Eddie and Buck were in for the long haul and the guilt she hadn’t been able to escape ever since she’d had married Doug, slowly leaving Buck, bit by bit not being able to realise he only was left himself.

Unable to keep her instincts, she walks into the room and makes her way to the foot of the bed. Being as gentle as she can she pulls the blanket over the two of them and tucks them under their sides, the same way she used for Buck when he was little. Even though all of this she is so grateful that Buck has found his family, not just her to stick around when things got tough. Just before she is about to leave the room; she strokes Buck’s face wishing the fullness in his cheeks would be back and seeing the young child that had to sneak into bed with her because he couldn’t sleep alone.

As she is leaving the room, she takes one last look at the two of them and finds the happiness of her brother being alive, for now, that is enough. She walks back into the kitchen to tell Eddie to stay for dinner as Buck and Chris aren’t going to be up soon.

* * *

**So much of what is best in us is bound up in our love of family, that it remains the measure of our stability because it measures our sense of loyalty.**

_ **\- Haniel Long** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always comments and Kudos are appreciated.
> 
> Thank you for taking time out of your day to read this.
> 
> I also hope that it being a big chapter will make for it be a little late.


	16. That's my last duchess painted on the wall, Looking as if she were alive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another flashback chapter.

**Thou know’st ‘tis common. All that lives must die,**   
**Passing through nature to eternity.**

_**-** **Shakespeare** _

* * *

He’s seen that look before. Buck knows; what the dimming light in her eyes, the quickening hollowing of her cheeks, the greying of her bright skin means. Standing by the other car holding the jaws of life, he gulps down not only his saliva but all that he is feeling too. He knows what is happening to her. He knows what it looks like. And it means that… he can’t deny that Shannon is dying.

While crunching the metal of the car that belongs to the people he’s helping, he feels the sensation deep within his gut that is loud and terrifying. Making another cut through the metal, Buck’s muscles and mind join in with his gut and it’s feeling. Only going on instinct and using half his mind, Buck carries on doing his job under Bobby’s keen eye. With all his body pulled tight, his mind can’t help but cry to any higher power that he doesn’t believe in, ‘don’t do this. You don’t get to do this to us.’

As the people in the car get free, Buck finds himself quickly pulled away from the scene, to near the ambulance and by just seeing Shannon’s body, his thoughts quickly turn to her, ‘this is not how you wanted to leave.’

Buck has to turn to anywhere but the ambulance as Chimney does another compression looking only at Bobby and Hen while avoiding looking at the two parts of the couple as he pulls away from Shannon’s body. A flatline tone runs through him, forcing Buck to realise what this means, what it means for Chris. What it means for Eddie. Even what it means… for him. How when this really becomes a reality, what they are going to feel. Without a doubt Buck knows that he will do anything they need, he has to do everything they need.

Only allowing a handful of seconds to himself to deal with the fact that his friend is dead. In that little gap he covers his mouth, swallowing the sobs that echo Eddie’s small single one but then he steels himself, Eddie needs Buck and he can deal with himself later. Putting on a face, he walks over to the ambulance, knowing that he’ll have to be there for both Eddie and Chris. What else is he a part of their lives for?

* * *

From the moment he pulled onto the scene, Eddie knew that something was dirty. He could almost taste the pollution in the air, When he stepped out of the truck and saw the colour of the first car then he saw long brown hair and then the unmistakable numbers of the plate making it so that he couldn’t deny what he knew. He knew that it was Shannon’s car and she was the woman in it.

In a blur Eddie ends up in the ambulance, watching Chimney working over her body- hoping, begging for her to take a big reviving breath. She needs to come back. Eddie watches as Chimney does another compression, gritting his jaw as his fingers twitch to join in. Eddie’s body takes on a life on its' own as he shakes while remembering that he had just begrudgingly told her that he was going to allow her to take out one last time before she left him again. He had done it for Chris, he can still feel the clenched fist he had while giving her permission on the phone. Then the flatline tone begins. With the flatline continuing on, it sounds almost exactly like the wedding march that she walked into.

Then Chimney and Hen share a look, a look that they’ve all given to each other at one point and he knows it is the end. A single sob escapes him before he buries all that he is right now behind his walls. Taking his time, being as gentle as possible, he picks up her hand in his and as he moves it he becomes aware of how lax her muscles are. Then a few seconds later, he feels edging around his walls, giving him little pieces of peace and demands he take it but he doesn’t even need to look up from where his eyes are fixed to know that that presence is Buck, his Buck.

After just staring at the hand he is holding, unable to believe that she is really dead, Eddie looks to Buck. The couple just stares at each other, letting each other take what they need all while taking heaving breaths as the realisation of what is happening comes hurtling towards them. Buck gives Eddie a slow, unsure barely-there nod and a beat of time passes then Eddie lets go of her hand then replies to Buck with a small, only available to Buck, nod.

Then Buck feels an arm around his wrist, pulling him back from the ambulance before he is able to step onto it. “There’s not enough space, Buck,” Bobby tells him, still not letting go of his wrist. Rounding on Bobby, he shrugs out of his grip. Buck moves towards Eddie again but this time stays outside of the vehicle.

With the mobility of an ageing machine, Eddie moves his head forward just popping out of the door. Moving out of Bobby’s gravity, Buck goes to Eddie with the pavement under him like a seesaw. Their separate spaces become one again. Knowing Eddie, Buck takes his hand, running his thumbs over his knuckles. Buck feels the vice-like grip on him gets tighter on him as though he is buoyancy aid to Eddie. Even in their break from time, Shannon is still the focal point, her quickly cooling corpse within their field of vision. There’s a pricking sensation on the back of Buck’s neck, he doesn’t know whose eyes are boring into him but they’re telling him he has to let go. Both of them take as long they can to let go; dragging skin away from skin, while wanting to crawl back, to hold one another. As the last of their fingers graze one another, Eddie looks at Buck with wide eyes and tight lips, making Buck not want to let him go. For the last few seconds, they stare at each too stuck together, finally as the last ridge of their fingerprints leave the other, Eddie fills his gaze with Buck's body trailing up from his hands to his face, locking eyes with him again. In Buck’s eyes, Eddie sees the bright light of Buck’s and breathing out a sigh he gives a look to Buck. Seeing his eyes widen, his mouth forms more lines but he also finds a toughened resolve, Buck gives Eddie a watery smile and a nod, stepping back he closes the door of the ambulance then gives a tap of its back two times, leaving him with only Bobby.

The flashing lights of the ambulance fade down the road, leaving Bobby and Buck sharing the empty air. When it is completely out of view, Bobby puts an arm around his shoulders, leading him back to the truck. Inside the metal walls, Buck can’t calm himself down, his leg keeps bobbing up and down and is resting his head on his arms in his lap running his hands through his hair. The deadly silence inside only seeks to add to what he’s feeling, causing his mind to turn Chris only ten miles and how right this second he is out for recess having fun with his friends, probably not even thinking about his parents, then he turns to his fiancé and how he had to watch his ex, the mother of his child, their friend, the very person who got them together, die. Rounding the corner into the hospital, Buck pulls on all his reserves and brings all that Eddie will need to the surface, quieting the parts of him that want to cry out for the loss of one of his friends.

With their boots scraping across the floor as they walk into the waiting room, that only contains Hen and Chimney. The welcome they receive when they walk into the hospital is one that is empty, cold and sterile and Buck can’t help but remember the vibrant quality and outspokenness of Shannon. 

Eddie had known Shannon had died but seeing her laid out pale and lifelessness forces him to believe this as a truth. Turning to Shannon, not her but her body, Chris crosses his mind noting how they share the same eyes and all his mind gives him is that he should have been able to stop this if he was a good enough _man_ she would have never got hurt and that his son doesn’t deserve this, he’s always had so much going on but this. But this… is too much. Chris doesn’t deserve this.

Having seen too much, Eddie turns away from the corpse. In the room is a small bag of Shannon’s personal effects, all of what Shanon is reduced down to just a bag is too much for Eddie. With the bag making noise, he picks up the packet a solid burn rising in his chest. Unable to withstand the calling anymore, Eddie brings the bag to his chest hugging it, all while trying to force down the tears pooling in his eyes. While holding it, a flash of colour catches his eyes then he moves the bag to one hand and walks over to the sweater. With his spare hand, he picks it up and brings it up to his nose, realising this is the last and fleeting imprint of Shannon’s existence. That all it takes for the tears to have a life of their own, rolling down his cheeks; his friend, the mother of his child, his first love, his first nearly everything is gone. He still can’t really, even though he can see her and knows and believes she is dead, understand how this person that had such a big role in making his adult life is dead. Still holding the sweater to his face, taking short, shallow breaths and tears streaming down his cheeks, Eddie wishes it was last week when they were happy, celebrating his engagement to Buck, when they didn’t know Shannon was leaving when she wasn’t dead.

Minute by minute, the room is getting more suffocating but Shannon always hated being left alone, he did that to her when they were together, he can’t do that again now. The walls are now only the width of Eddie’s wingspan, through a gap in the blinds he can see that Buck and Bobby and the rest of the one-one-eight have arrived. Just seeing Buck pushes the burn back in his throat, a little while a sigh of relief rip through him. Now with the wall pushing at his hands, Eddie gives into it, wanting Buck and all he brings with him Eddie leaves the pit full of decay, coldness and overbearing cleanliness.

Stepping out of the room, Eddie doesn’t go to Buck like he thought he would but instead, he goes to Bobby. There is no hesitation or denial of any kind from him, Eddie just walks into them both of them caught in a connection that is based on what no one should ever have to deal with. Bobby lets him take a few breaths in his arms and he would have given even more but Eddie comes to himself and pulls away completely out of Bobby’s grip. Looking around Eddie searches for Buck, wanting as much reassurance as possible. The two of them lock eyes, Buck knowing that Eddie’s feet are rooted to the ground walks over to him. Eddie latches onto Buck like he’s oxygen. Using Buck’s tallness to his advantage, Eddie rests his head against the expanse of Buck’s chest, feeling and joylessly delighting in his repetitive heartbeat and moves to hold Buck’s back while digging his nails into the top of his shoulders.

Buck holds Eddie with the same veracity, wrapping his arms tight against Eddie’s waist. As much as he can Buck pulls Eddie against him flush, becoming one being. Trying to, by moving his fingers up and down Eddie’s spine like he likes when he’s too caught in the world that existed when he was in the army, pour his love into Eddie, understanding and whatever Eddie needs into the embrace. Moving his head to rest on top of Eddie’s head, Buck tries to avoid meeting Bobby’s watchful gaze but they do meet each other. Bobby looks to Buck, giving him a questioning incline of his head, Buck replies with a nod and a smile but it doesn't reach his eyes. Quickly, he looks away from Bobby, burying his face into Eddie’s hair.

After a little time, the two of them detach but remain holding hands and standing close to each other. Everyone has come up and told them how sorry they are, Eddie hears them but they could have been talking about anything and he would still hate them.

Athena had turned up quickly as soon as she heard what happened over the radio. She had greeted both of them with a small squeeze of their shoulders. All of them are now sitting waiting for Eddie and Buck’s next decision, unsure of what to do. Everyone, now that some time has passed, is looking to Athena and Bobby for what they are meant to do next. 

Athena and Bobby have a silent conversation, then she walks over to them and sits them a little bit away from everyone else. As to not scare both of them, every bit of them like wild animals ready to bolt at the slightest movement. Athena takes her time, crouching down in front of Eddie and takes his hands in hers. “Eddie, you can’t do any more here. You can’t do anything more for her… except be with her son,” Athena tells him, looking up to his face and eyes while Eddie holds onto her hands, the same way she can imagine he would have when going to school was the worst thing in the world.

Eddie then looks up from her to Bobby, he gives him a softened expression stored in his eyebrows. Making a pinched mouth, Bobby says, “She’s right, Eddie. You’ve done all that you can. Go home, be with your son.”

“I can’t,” Eddie tells them, taking his hands away from Athena and giving them to Buck. “If I go home, I’ll have to tell him. Besides, I still need to…”

“We’ll do the rest. Go to Chris. And deal… with it,” Bobby says to Eddie, knowing all too well what this feels like. “It’s going to get worse than this, it feels like it won’t but it. There's only a few things that can be done here and we can do them. Get your son, he’ll need you. Go home, Eddie.”

Taking a big swallow, Eddie turns to look at Buck, who gives a reassuring squeeze on his hands. Eddie feels empty, it could easily be mistaken for numbness but he knows if he wasn't so tired he would have to feel the hurt. Clinging onto Buck for any kind of sustenance, Eddie draws on all of what Buck is giving him, it fills him with decisiveness and makes him worry what he would be without Buck. Looking at each other, he and Buck come to know what they are doing next. Giving Bobby a slow, jerky nod of confirmation, Eddie lets Bobby walk away to the desk, while Athena gets up. Standing up, Athena looks up at them with surveying eyes as they huddled into each other, she like everyone that they know is used to them being affectionate but this isn’t meaningless affection for the sake of being close together this is, ‘I’m alive, you’re alive,” while holding onto each other for the substance of existence.

Bobby comes back to them, nodding while telling them, “Maddie heard. She’s here and she’s going to take you, both of you, home. I’ll drop by later with your car.”

“Thank you, Bobby,” Eddie whispers, even his talking being too loud, Buck says the same thing too, keeping his voice so even-tempered that you know it is manufactured.

They get up in tandem, Buck holding on Eddie for all that he is, not wanting for Eddie to not have what he needs so Buck provides all that he can. Eddie allows Buck to tangle their hands together and leading him back to the main atrium of the hospital. At this moment, Eddie is sure the only reason he is still standing is because of Buck. They meet Maddie and she gives both of them a look, that she only reserves for Buck, one that you can feel the overwhelming protectiveness in it.

Wading through treacle, Buck and Eddie get to Maddie’s car, getting into the back as both of them can’t stand to separate.

Through her mirror, Maddie watches the two of them entwined. Eddie is clamped onto Buck like he was the edge and Eddie was hanging off it. Buck has wedged Eddie side behind him and the chair and is resting his head on top of Eddie’s while looking back at Maddie. In the magnifying effect of the mirror, she can see the unshed tears making a well in his eyes.

As she is pulling out of the hospital, Eddie turns out of Buck just enough so that his word can be heard. “Don’t go home, go to Abuela’s.”

“Are you sure?” Maddie asks, looking at them for a second then back at the road.

“I can’t go home. Not right, now,” Eddie answers, choking out each word like it doesn’t belong in his body.

“Ok,” Maddie says, looking at Buck, who gives a small nod, then proceeds to begin the journey to Eddie’s family home.

Still, hand in hand, Buck and Eddie get out of the car with Maddie and walk up to the steps. Isabel opens the door just as they reach the porch and her face is wearing that all knowledgeable expression on his face. Not saying anything, she sits all three of them down in her living room, makes a tray of tea and returns to them bringing a bottle of tequila with it. 

She still doesn’t say anything until the three of them have taken a few steadying sips of their drinks. “Who and how bad?” she asks, keeping her voice as even as she can seeing the frozen look on Eddie’s and Buck’s face.

“Shannon is… gone,” Eddie whispers, untangling himself from Buck and moves to a proper posture. He can't believe that he has let anyone but his Abuela and Buck have seen him like this. As he tightens his jaw, he reasons with himself that Chris is going to be home in just a few hours and he needs to be a rock for him, all that he is feeling can be dealt with later when everyone else is okay.

“Oh, Edmundo,” Abuela whispers, getting up walking over to him and pulling him into her arms. She begins to whisper calming Spanish platitudes to him.

Waiting, letting her have a minute of two, Eddie lets her words wash over him but doesn’t take them in. He then gets up and Maddie palms her keys again.

“Do you want to get Chris now?” she asks.

Eddie looks at her deep in thought then shakes his head. “No. Not right, now,” Eddie says turning to look at Buck trying to get him to understand what he needs to do. “I need to be alone. I’m going to the backyard.” Eddie then gives a nod to Buck and leaves out the back door.

Buck follows behind at a distance to the kitchen where he can see the backyard better. So he just stands with his hot cup in hand watching Eddie.

His watchful daze is interrupted when Abuela comes into the room and places food in front of him. “How are you?” She asks, staring at Buck until he picks at the food.

“I’m fine, she was Eddie’s… “ Buck says, eating his food and wavering at the end of the sentence.

“Your Eddie’s partner, you’ve been together longer than a year, you’re going to be his husband. While Shannon and you had your differences but she was still family to you,” she tells him in Spanish, trying to emphasise her point by looking only at Buck.

“I…” Buck replies in Spanish but stops when he receives another look from Abuela. “Ok.”

Maddie joins them in the kitchen. “Why are you in here?” She asks, sliding up to her brother.

“He’s going to… want me in a few minutes… and he won’t want to ask,” Buck tells her, switching out of Spanish to English for her. Eddie doesn’t look back into the house for a little bit but Buck just stays, waiting for him. Buck rests against the counter and carries one eating under Isabel's undeniable command.

Like Buck had known he would, Eddie turns to look through the glass for Buck. Eddie’s face is contorted with such tightness that makes Buck wince, just seeing a flicker of his face. His hands are laid in his lap and he is fidgeting with them, wringing to the point of rawness.

Eventually, Buck and Eddie meet the other’s eyes. Unable to take his eyes off of Buck, Eddie gives him a twitch of his head. Placing the plate down, Buck on unsteady feet, making every step harsh and decisive as his body wants to call out and grieve for his friend, walks out of the kitchen and the door, so he can get to his Eddie that needs him now. Eddie watches Buck every moment that he takes to get to him, he sees every step he takes, wishing he would get here quicker.

He needs Buck. Right now, he can’t think of anything beyond Buck and the comfort, just what a more brush of skin will provide. When Buck gets to Eddie, Buck sits down next to Eddie, they achieve skin on skin contact by making their shoulders press against each other. Needing more of Buck, Eddie laces his hands with him. Leaning into Eddie’s touch and gripping all of what he can of Eddie’s with all his strength. Buck rests his head on his shoulder, replying Eddie places his head on Buck’s.

The two of them stay like that sitting in silence, just proving that it is only Shannon being gone and not their half having disappeared along with her, taken out of existence along with her.

Burying his nose into Buck’s hair, Eddie breathes in Buck’s smell, wanting it to surround him and just focus on that and not… what he’s just happened. Between the time he had sat down and now, Buck had migrated almost onto Eddie’s lap, resting his head against his shoulder and chest to listen to Eddie’s heartbeat.

Not able to be quiet for long, Buck moves his head to look up at Eddie then says, “are you… I know you’re not ok. But are you?”

Eddie remains with his head on Buck’s and wraps his arms around him. “I just need you and… silence, ok,” Eddie tells Buck, trying to swallow the bite in his voice unsuccessfully.

“I know what silence does to your mind, Eddie. You’re not to blame, it was an accident,” Buck says, trying to get Eddie’s eye contact but it remains elusive.

“Sure,” Eddie breathes out, looking away from Buck and out to the grass. From where his cheek is resting on Buck’s hair while holding on to him so tightly that he can feel every single breath that he takes in and the ones that leave him, he can count every single rib of Buck’s

Just on the other side of the door, Maddie and Isabel can just see the back of Buck and Eddie. Abuela gives Maddie a glass of straight tequila then joins her at the kitchen table. As they sit and watch the exchanges between their two boys, Maddie keeps sneaking looks to her.

Isabel reaches out and takes Maddie’s hand in her, “they’ll get through it, we just need to be there when they ask for it,” she says, the same way she talks to Eddie when she gives advice he needs but hasn’t asked for.

“But Buck…” Maddie says.

“I know your brother will put too much on himself to help Eddie. But he will ask for help, if we give it before they ask for it. It won’t go well,” Abuela tells Maddie, still holding her hand.

Maddie looks back to Isabel then out the door then back to her, finally, she huffs out a breath. “If you’re sure,” Maddie says, making their discussion face to face.

“I am, Mija,” Abuela says, giving her a press to her hands when she takes them away, she gives her a small, colourless smile. We’ll be there for them, like we always are.”

* * *

A couple of hours later, Buck and Eddie have made their way inside but they still stay separate from Maddie and Abuela in one of the spare bedrooms of the old family home. They were just meant to stay in there and talk but the bed was comfortable and Eddie was so goddamn tired.

Eddie falls asleep with his head on Buck’s chest, his arms wound against his body just like Buck’s are around him. A little while later Eddie had woken up unable to stay asleep with his mind racing and too slow with everything today has been about, Buck had moved in their sleep to lying on top of him; limbs thrown across his body. Just watching Buck sleeping like he always had is reassuring, making his face smile just slightly. Not ready to wake Buck yet, Eddie rests his lips on Buck’s forehead and uses one hand to hold the back of Buck’s head while using the other one to run his fingers across Buck’s back. Eddie continues on doing that for a few minutes but then he catches a more sensitive spot that makes Buck wake up with a shiver. He is greeted by blinking eyes, looking up to him in fading confusion as Buck becomes more aware of where he is.

Buck moves up to Eddie’s mouth and gives him a light kiss. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to fall asleep,” Buck whispers, moving his head back to Eddie’s chest.

Giving a tilt of his lips, Eddie digs his fingers into Buck’s neck pushing out any tension he can. “It’s ok. I like you this anyway,” Eddie says with a convicted and reassuring tone that could swallow Buck whole if he would let it.

“In your bed?” Buck says with a jovial lilt that quickly stops when he realises that it isn’t the time to make jokes. “Sorry, I just…” Buck shakes his head with the words.

Eddie knows Buck can see the pursed corners of his lips and to stop Buck from pulling away, as he has before when Eddie had made some reservations about how much Buck gives away, holds him against him and Eddie can’t deal with Buck doing that right now, under the guise of what he wants. Eddie couldn’t deal with not having all of Buck after….

“It’s three hours until we have to get Chris but we should pick him up earlier. We should go talk to Maddie and Abuela, you know them. They’re probably already got a forty step plan,” Buck says trying to move out of Eddie’s hold but Eddie just makes it stronger.

“Fifteen minutes, then we’ll go out and talk to them,” Eddie says as Buck gives into Eddie’s insistence. “Go back to sleep, I’ll be fine.” Now Eddie has moved his head to rest on top of Buck’s. All it takes for Buck to fall back asleep, his mouth hanging open with drool coming out of it.

As he watches Buck and the rise and fall of his chest, he can't escape the dirty feeling burning deep in his chest that is paired with this easiness to breathe that Buck is here and Shannon is not. Eddie doesn’t know what would happen to him if he had lost Buck.

That only makes him hold on tighter to his sleeping Buck.

When their time is up, Eddie wakes Buck up slowly and gently, if today hadn’t have happened it would have been serene. Finally awake, Buck rolls over and rubs his face then gets out of bed, joining Eddie who is waiting but the doorframe.

In the kitchen they are greeted by the food they knew Isabel would have made. The both of them, sit at the table and look to her awaiting her instructions.

She looks at Eddie with a raised eyebrow and just says, “no.”

Eddie looks up with a clenched jaw and a softened brow. “What?” he asks, his brow crinkling with the question.

“You want me to tell you what to do but you don’t actually want that,” Abuela says, pushing a plate in front of him.

“I…” Eddie stutters.

“Your father has put so much of him in you. I know how to deal with that, I did raise him,” Abuela tells him, stroking his hair once as she leaves the table again.

“Yeah, he did,” Eddie agrees, completely worn out.

Isabel gives one plate to Maddie and takes one in her and two in hers then they put them on the table. Eddie doesn’t eat, just picks at his food between looking at Buck to make sure he’s still there and at Abuela, the words he wants to stay on the tip of his tongue.

“Do you want to know what I said to your Papi when your Abuelo died?” Abuela asks, putting down her silverware.

“Papi was sixteen when Abuelo died,” Eddie says back, not really answering the question.

“Losing a parent is hard at any age, Eddie,” Abuela tells him, looking at him trying to make sure of eye contact and holding it until Eddie stops looking away from her.

Across the table, Maddie and Buck look at each as they both know that Shannon has hit them harder than parents will.

“I… just don’t know how to tell him,” Eddie says, slightly bowing his head and looking up at her.

Abuela reaches out and holds Eddie’s face, stroking his cheeks. “I know, Mijo,” she says, giving his face one last stroke.

“Can you tell me how to do it then?” he asks.

“I can’t. I can tell you how I did it,” Abuela says, her mind flashing back to those many years ago

Eddie’s Adam’s apple bobs before he nods to her.

“I can tell you this though, it’s going to be hard, but you’ll need to tell Shannon that she has died, you can’t say she is gone. Your Papi knew that Abeulo was dying but before I told him, I took some time for myself to let it settle. Then I told him,” She says to him over the table as she remembers how torn his father was. “You don’t need to worry about this but I told Peppa and Ramon separately. And I didn’t leave them, if I didn’t have too but if I did I always made sure that it was only short.”

After she has finished speaking, Eddie lets silence hang in the air, swinging side to side by his neck. He takes a few more bites, then looks to Buck and Abuela. Eddie clears his throat, waiting for them all to look at him. “Thank you, Abuela,” Eddie says, putting down his fork and knife then pushing his plate away.

* * *

On the way to Chris’ school in the back of Maddie’s car, Buck makes a phone call to Carla, choking out the news. Just before they left, Eddie had made a call to the school, using that taught fortitude, to tell them that he is picking Chris up early due to a recent bereavement and also not to announce that to his son.

Being brought out of class to leave school early had already given Chris so much confusion. Dad and Buck were at work and he knew even though he wasn’t meant to that Mom isn’t allowed to pick him up from school. Chris has been waiting for a few minutes, swinging his legs for some kind of entertainment, knowing his father is going to tell him off for scuffing his shoes.

Then Maddie comes in and Chris just feels more confused, Maddie has picked him up before but it would always be because Dad and Buck got called into an incident near the end of the shift when Carla was not going to pick him up. But Carla is staying with him tonight as Buck and Dad are on shift until tomorrow. Maddie gives the admin worker the Diaz family password.

Maddie walks over to him, picking up his bag then holds out his crutches for Chris to stand. Looking at Maddie, Chris holds his tongue between his teeth for a few seconds, as he can see that Maddie is looking anywhere but him. As they walk into the parking lot, Chris is about to call out to her but before he does so he sees Buck getting out of the back of Maddie’s car.

Forgetting what he is thinking about earlier, Chris calls out to Buck, who turns to his shouting. Buck gives him a smile as he faces but the energy behind it taints the smile, making it so unrecognisable that it could be a frown. Getting closer to the car, Chris starts to see his Dad too.

With it only being just them for so long, Chris finds it easy to read his father. Chris decides that maybe Dad is having one of those times when all he can think about is his time in the army. When these happen, Chris is used to his Dad watching him more closely and ever since he and Buck had got together, Buck got some of it too, so maybe that’s the reason why this is all happening.

Sitting in the car, his Dad has an arm around him like he’s holding onto a figurement of his imagination that he needs to be true with the other hand stretching to reach Buck’s shoulder. Even not knowing what is going on, something within Chris wants to cling to his father like fire to oxygen.

Maddie gets into the driver’s side then she looks through the gap to Chris and Eddie then to her brother next to her. “Everyone strapped in?” she asks but only receives a few half-hearted, affirming mumbles. That makes her start the drive to Buck and Eddie’s home.

* * *

Eddie hates that he has to let go of both of them to walk into the house. Keeping them in his eyeline, Eddie lets them go before him- he doesn’t want to feel what is brewing within him about not seeing them alive for even a millisecond.

All of them; Buck, Eddie and Chris sit in the living room while Maddie with some convincing goes home. Gently, realising how small Chris’ hands are compared to his, Eddie takes Chris’ hand in and then does the same to Buck.

“We can watch that movie that you’ve been wanting to watch while we get a pizza,” Eddie tells Chris as he knows that Chris knows something is wrong and he is not ready to accept the fact that he going to tell his child son that his mother is dead, so the only option is to divert his attention until bedtime.

“But…” Chris objects as his hands feel too enclosed by his father’s.

“I know, it’s not the weekend but we can have a treat, right?” Eddie forces himself to smile, to seem normal for Chris. His other hand is raised to Buck’s lips and drawn across them with that, Eddie looks to Buck caught in two reactions and neither one wins out, Eddie presses down with his finger against Buck’s hand.

Holding onto Eddie for a good few minutes, rubbing his fingers over his knuckles so many times, Buck gets up untangling himself from Eddie. Standing on fatigued muscles, Buck turns and walks to the kitchen. Buck finally lets go, gripping onto the counter and lets out one deep, racking breath then comes to himself again, swallowing everything to make a foundation for Eddie.

Buck sits back down, right next to Edur between them a little silent argument between the two of them. He knows that Eddie needs some grounding touch but he doesn’t want or can’t let himself have that. Not having enough energy to carry on against Buck’s insistence, Eddie gives into him and sets his head to rest against Buck’s shoulder pulling Chris to lean against his side.

Seeing his father’s behaviour, Chris feels the rumbling in his stomach getting stronger. As the movie starts Chris grips Eddie’s hand more, while noticing how Buck’s eyes keep straying over him and Dad; not in the usual way he does like when Buck had brought him a games console out of the blue, not he’s looking at them with the same disbelief when Maddie had been taken by Doug. His features and body are tight in the same way they were when Maddie was gone and all he could do was worry and not sleep. With the movie now playing, Chris stops thinking about Buck and Dad, he settles against the warmth of his father’s flesh feeling anything but cold.

Just as the credits roll, Buck calls and orders their pizza, waiting until it arrives to put on the next one. Within thirty minutes, they arrive hot and smelling good, Buck gets up and places them on the coffee table. As he wolfs down his pizza Chris can’t help but see that neither Dad or Buck are touching their food. It is not like them to eat. Only able to make through three slices of pizza before he is full he then settles back against Eddie. Feeling warm, satiated and stable, and having what his father is driving into him, Chris falls asleep. When Eddie notices he doesn’t move Chris just brushes his hair from his forehead with a shake of his hand.

* * *

They had gone to bed hours ago but neither could sleep. Eddie is lying in between Buck’s legs with his back against his chest and his head resting just below his chin. Not one of them has said anything, Buck is just letting Eddie hold his hand and breath.

Eddie turns his head to the side resting his ear against Buck’s chest. “How do I tell him?” Eddie whispers so quietly like he is frightened of the words. “How do I tell my son his mother is dead?”

“I dunno,” Buck says, moving his head just slightly off Eddie’s. “Tell him the truth.”

“What truth? that she’s dead? Or that she was leaving again?” Eddie asks with tears in his eyes and bitterness in his voice.

“Yes...no. Yes, to the fact that she is dead but not about the leaving. Not right now but he needs to know everything about his mother,” Buck says as Eddie runs his fingertips against Buck’s. “Maybe not for years. But he does need to know everything about Shannon.”

“Why?” Eddie asks, moving his face so that his lips are on the sensitive spot of Buck’s neck.

“Because all he’ll hear from anyone, any more is only the good stuff about his mother. He’ll spend the rest of his life trying to live up to the dead too young version of his mother and not her the human,” Buck says, his breath getting caught in his throat as Eddie pushes more into his sweet spot.

Eddie pulls away to look at Buck then moves his head back to where it was resting. “When we tell him tomorrow?” Eddie asks, not really have listened to what Buck had to say

“No, not now. But he needs to know and besides, we don’t want him finding out from anyone else. Can you imagine if he found not from us? The right time might be when he’s twelve or fifteen or twenty-five but you’ll know,” Buck tells Eddie as they remain as joined as possible.

“Why are you so sure that I should tell him ?” Eddie says, battling against the void in his mind that reminds him, he has to be there for his family and not the other way around.

“When Maddie stopped… When she was made to stop talking to me, I felt like I had to prove that all the time she had spent raising me wasn’t wasted. I can’t imagine what it would be like if she were dead,” Buck says as a wobble comes through his voice.

“I’ll think about it, baby,” Eddie says, already smiling at Buck’s reaction.

“Don’t call me baby,” Buck says.

“Don’t call me baby,” Eddie copies, moving so he is face to face with Buck.

“You’re only getting away with that today,” Buck smiles at Eddie, who is moving closer to his lips. The two of them stare at each other for a second, savouring the other, then they kiss.

Creeping down Buck’s body, Eddie gets to the waistband of his pants and cups his hand around Buck.

Pulling out of the kiss, Buck takes Eddie's hand and moves the hand away from his crotch. “I don’t do grief sex,” Buck states.

Eddie gives Buck a little distance, his face now has harsh lines across his forehead. “You don’t do grief sex? We, you have sex for everything. What about the time you stubbed your toe and you wouldn’t leave the house until I blew you,” Eddie says, his face incredulous.

“You’re doing this to make yourself feel better. It won’t do that,” Buck tells Eddie as he huffs while settling back against him.

“It does for you,” Eddie says, matter of factly.

“Yeah, but I’m fucked up. Sex is my coping thing…” Buck tells Eddie

“I guess…” Eddie says, giving into Buck again.

Buck crosses his arms across Eddie’s chest. For a few moments, they stay like that, Buck holding Eddie telling him what he wants and Eddie leaning into Buck trying to drown himself in him, wanting it to overpower all of his feelings in his gut.

Buck runs his hand up and down Eddie’s chest. “You know, you can talk about it, Eddie,” Buck tells him, trying to coax all he can out of him.

“I know but…” Eddie says then looks up to the ceiling, but he can’t keep his feelings from gushing out. “Can we do the thing?” Eddie asks, knowing he won’t be able to do without it.

“Yeah. Yeah. Of course,” Buck says a bit too energetically, rolling out from under Eddie. As fast as he can, Buck strips his t-shirt and pants off then walks to the other side of the bed, Eddie does the same then lies down on the bed, head against the pillow, with as much eagerness as he can muster he awaits Buck and his reassuring weight and heartbeat.

Buck moves over Eddie, resting his legs either side of Eddie’s hips. Like he can’t imagine he is allowed to touch this work of art, Eddie reaches out slowly to Buck, placing his hand where his heart is. Buck moves to hold Eddie’s hand where it is and mirrors Eddie’s action on his chest. They hold that position as long as they can.

With his free hand, Eddie grabs onto Buck’s hips, so hard that Buck knows he’s going to have bruises tomorrow. Getting even firmer, even though Eddie knows that Buck is trying to move away from his grip but he needs to know that Buck is here, just as he knows Chris is in the other room.

Taking his time, moving every finger individually Buck moves his hands to hold Eddie’s hands. Hand in hand, Buck shuffles to lie on top of Eddie. Tangling their arms together as their skin meets, chest against chest, legs wrapped around legs, fingers twirled around fingers. Under his weight and the way he has buried himself into his neck, Eddie can’t help but draw himself into Buck. Resting his head on top of his head, he feels all that heavy grief fade into the background for a few minutes making it so that all he can feel is the calm that comes with this action. Eddie feels like a tide that has gone back to sea but is just waiting to come right back out.

Without saying anything, Eddie can feel his puppy-like qualities begging him to talk. Eddie has never really been able to say no to anything Buck wants. “She was still leaving, Buck, After everything, she was still leaving him,” Eddie whispers somewhere into Eddie’s hair.

Buck doesn’t move from where he is as when it comes to actually talking about what’s going on in his mind beyond surface-level Eddie is ready to bolt, so his speech comes out all muffled. “Eddie, you know that we did everything we could to make her stay.”

“When she came back she promised that she’d stay…” Eddie says, then stops to take a breath. “Then she said she was leaving. Then you… But she was going to. And now she’s dead.

“And you’re upset and angry,” Buck fills in Eddie’s feelings for him.

“No, I’m sad that she died. I was angry at her for leaving for Chris, not for me. You’re my partner, not her, not anymore,” Eddie tells Buck, letting go of one his hands to hold his face.

“You were angry that she was leaving you and Chris. I get it, Eddie. I wasn’t jealous,” Buck says leaning into Eddie’s touch while feeling that watered-down sense of calm that comes with being the one giving the weight.

“What do you mean?” Eddie asks remembering that feeling in his gut the past couple of days.

“You have...had…a kid together. You weren’t in love with her anymore but you did love her. Not just ‘cause of Chris but she was always going to be a part of your life because of him. You guys were like Micheal and Athena,” Buck says, pushing even more of his weight into Eddie as he feels an uptick in the tension in his body.

“Why are you so understanding? I don’t think I would if it was the other way around,” Eddie tells Buck, moving his head back to his neck, the feeling of jealousy bitter in his mouth.

“You wouldn’t be,” Buck says into Eddie, closing his eyes but not feeling tired.

A little while later, still under Buck, a living comfort blanket, Eddie turns to Buck wanting to voice the question stuck in his mind and on his tongue. “You know that she took off her wedding ring when we talked about me proposing to you. It was in her pocket, I have it now. What the hell do I do with it?” Eddie says, curling his head into Buck so that their breath mingles.

Eddie can feel the heat from Buck’s mind working overtime. “You still have yours, don’t you?” Buck says, having decided what he thinks Eddie should do.

“Yeah…” Eddie answers, unsure of where this is going.

“You should save them for Chris. Like needing to know his Mom was a person, he needs to know that there was a time when you loved her and she loved you, like we do, like couples are meant to,” Buck tells him, pulling out of their strange entanglement that is making a crick in his neck. Stretching out, he moves back to sitting, shifting his weight to Eddie’s lap. “Have you had enough?”

Eddie gives him a tepid smile and Buck rolls off. They are only not touching for a second then Buck takes Eddie into his arms. If it was any other day, Buck being the big spoon would be a joke between the two. The warmth of Buck is so inviting compared to the coldness of Shannon’s body now and Eddie falls asleep before he can even ask if he needs anything. 

Keeping Eddie right in his arms, Buck wonders how Eddie is still talking, if he even feels a fraction worse than he does, the only person that he’s really known that has died was his grandmother. The more he watches Eddie, he can’t help but think that Eddie deserves someone stronger than him. They, Chris and Eddie, need someone who can help and Buck is still learning to be part of a family.

With thoughts clouding his mind, Buck falls asleep pressed against Eddie and holding him tight in his arms.

* * *

He is used to waking up early and letting Buck sleep in but can’t today. It only takes one poke to his arm to wake Buck up, the fast blinking surprises Eddie, making him know that he has only been sleeping lightly because of him. Awareness comes to Buck quickly, throwing his head to Eddie as he sits up.

Moving into Buck’s space, curling an arm around his back. “I’m going to tell him after breakfast,” Eddie says, looking ahead into the hallway.

“That’s... He knows something is up…” Buck says, pressing his lips onto Eddie’s cheeks.

Just a beat passes between the two, silence hanging in the air. Slowly, inch by inch, Eddie moves so that he and Buck are face to face, just waiting for all Buck can give him. But it is Buck that bridges the gap bringing their foreheads to rest against each other. Staring into one another’s eyes and breathing the same air, Eddie, given permission by Buck, searches for the strength he needs. This act of intimacy carries on, heads touching as they delve into each other, both of them needing the other, then ending it with a kiss.

With his will barely-there, Eddie gets out of the bed, pulling away from Buck. Every cell in his body cries out to return to Buck, to get his son and find a way to block his feelings. He won’t have to tell Chris, he wouldn’t have to shatter in his world, he could keep it this happy, stable bubble that it has been this past year.

As his feet hit the ground, Eddie can’t help but feel that he deserves some kind of punishment for failing his job of protecting his family. He’s a trained medic that could keep people alive in the middle of gunfire but he couldn’t keep the mother of his child alive after an everyday car accident that hundreds of people walk away from every single day. As he notices the air hitting his legs, the same way Shannon will never feel again, he knows that he deserves to hurt the same way his son will be in just a few moments.

Shaking away his thoughts to focus on Chris, Eddie finally gets off the bed. Following suit, Buck gets up and follows behind Eddie wishing that he would talk about what’s on his mind instead of keeping it all in.

Only a gap of maybe mere millimetres is between them, the distance is one thing that they can’t deal with right now. Eventually, they get to the kitchen together, Eddie would usually make coffee but even that seems too much with the daunting experience coming up; Buck doesn’t even mention food, aware that Eddie has to feel more nauseous than he does.

Placing the mug as softly as he can Buck joins Eddie sitting on the chair next to him. Like a heat-seeking missile, Eddie grabs onto Buck linking their arms together, trying to find the courage he doesn’t have at the moment.

Stopping from giving in to the want to make Eddie talk about what’s going on in his mind, Buck binds them even further, inviting Eddie to rest on his shoulder. Wavering, Eddie looks at the shoulder with a blank glaze on his face then up at Buck’s eyes then huffs out a sigh and does what he wants.

As he forces down the urge to make Eddie talk, knowing right now with all his defences up it will only result in even more pushing away to keep him from feeling what is going in his mind, Chris walks into the room looking at both of them a furrowed brow.

The sight before him is a strange one, first Buck is awake not sleeping like he always is in the morning and then there is no laughter coming from either of them. There are always sounds of happiness from his Dad when he and Buck are together.

Continuing with his watch of Buck and Dad, Chris sits down. Wondering what’s happening, Chris throws down his crutches to try and get a reaction out of Eddie but he doesn’t get one and that rumbling feeling in his gut from yesterday returns but stronger.

Chris almost shivers at the smile, his father swallows at him. Straining as Eddie whispers into Buck’s ear, he hears what his father has to say. “I’ll let him eat first.” Eddie then turns to Chris, “you can have whatever you want for breakfast. Pizza or…”

“Can I have the cake Abuela made?” Chris asks, testing how serious his dad is about that.

“Ok,” Eddie answers, getting up trying to hide the shakes that are rippling through his body. That one word, worries Chris more than anything else.

Every bite Chris takes he watches Buck and Dad, seeing them hold on to each other for dear life and not like there are two sides of the same coin, unable to exist without the other.

Eddie sees that and holds his eyes closed for a second then looks at Chris, his Adam's apple bobbing with a swallow. “I’m going to tell what’s up, ok,” Eddie says squeezing Buck’s hand.

All Chris does is stop and look at his father, giving him a slow nod as his eyes get cloudy.

“Finish what you’re eating and I’ll tell you,” Eddie says, willing all he can for his son.

Managing only two more bites, Chris puts down his fork and looks at his Dads. Buck sees the waiting for his dad to open up. “Go to the living room, we’ll be in a bit.”

Chris looks to his dad who nods, so Chris picks up his crutches and walks to the living room.

Watching until Chris is totally out of the room, Buck then turns to Eddie resting their foreheads together, looking into his eyes. “You can do this, Eddie. I know you can do this,” Buck says, touching their noses.

Eddie looks at Buk for seconds, holding his tongue in his teeth then he closes his eyes and presses a kiss on Buck’s lips. Grabbing onto the only thing keeping afloat, Eddie laces his hands with Buck and together they walk to their awaiting child.

Before he steps into the room, Eddie takes a deep breath while Buck holds his hand with all his strength.

Eddie walks into the room with heavy precision, sitting by Chris taking his hands in his. Buck sits in the arm of the sofa behind Eddie ready to be there if he’s needed.

Looking at the tiny hands in his ones, Eddie feels a burn behind his eyes. But doesn’t give in to it looking up to Chris’ eyes.

“Yesterday, the reason why we were like that is because…” Eddie says, unable to find the next words, he squeezes Chris’ hand. Buck rubs Eddie’s back, coaxing out the news Chris has to hear. “Mom was in a car accident,” he eventually whispers out.

“But she’s going to be ok. You and Buck recuse people every day,” Chris says with all that youthful optimism that Eddie didn't have as a child and wishes he didn’t have to destroy.

With another exhale rippling through him, Eddie looks at Chris' hands again, remembering when he was born and all he and Shannon went through. “No, she’s not,” Eddie says, what he should be saying getting stuck in his throat. “She… died.”

“No...she’s not,” Chris says, repeating while shaking his head.

“Yes, she is. Chris, your Mom is dead,” Eddie says, his voice wobbling as he chokes down his tears. Buck increases his ministrations trying to calm Eddie as he looks ahead, trying to bury his own tears while looking at Chris wishing he was anywhere but here.

“No...she’s not,” Chris says, repeating while shaking his head.

“Yes, she is. Chris, your Mom is dead,” Eddie says, his voice wobbling as he chokes down his tears. Buck increases his ministrations trying to calm Eddie as he looks ahead, trying to bury his own tears while looking at Chris wishing he was anywhere but here.

“Why didn’t you save her?” Chris asks, “you save everyone else.” Eddie feels that in his heart, knowing he’s failed his family yet again, like he always has.

With his blood ice in his veins, Chris freezes just staring at his Dad. Then a break in a dam happens, he flings forward clinging onto the back of Eddie’s shirt, burying his head into his shoulder as racking, enormous sobs tear through him.

Eddie pulls Chris onto his lap, shuffling forward just slightly to let Buck sit on the sofa. Matching Chris, Eddie can’t win the battle within him anymore, his body gives way his tears and his breathing comes out in short gasps between the hiding cries.

Moving onto the sofa, Buck takes both them into his arms, wrapping them as tight as he can. Knowing that his strength is needed, Buck forces down all that wants to erupt from him. Holding onto them for what seems like forever, feeling the heavy sobs and overwhelming grief. With his chest tight and constricting, Buck rests his head against Eddie’s back, Eddie takes all that he is offering, a source of comfort and security but Buck doesn’t know how much more he has.

As their heightened state begins to ebb, Buck gets up trying to disappear out of the room without either one of them knowing.

As soon as one finger leaves Chris’ back, he looks up from Eddie’s shoulder. “Where are you going?” he asks, tears forming again.

Eddie then copies Chris, looking at Buck. “What are you doing?” Eddie asks.

Shaking his head, Buck says “I just thought, you’d want some alone time.”

“No, we don’t. I need you here,” Eddie states.

“I’m not leaving the house,” Buck says, resting his head back where it was.

“I need you in the same room as me,” Eddie says, pushing back against Buck.

“You have to stay, Buck. You have too,” Chris tells Buck, moving one of his hands to Buck’s shirt.

So as one entity they settle into the sofa, a sea of limbs, like pack animals using one another to heal.

* * *

The next day, Eddie wakes up ready with a plan in mind that helps hide his feelings away.

Buck wakes to a half-empty space of Eddie’s occupied by Chris. Trying not to wake him, Buck gets out of bed measuring every movement until he leaves the room.

Stepping into the kitchen, Buck is confused by Eddie sitting at the table acting as nothing has happened.

“You’re up early,” Eddie states, sidling a mug over to Buck.

“Yeah… Eddie are you…” Buck says, not getting to finish.

Eddie smiles, all teeth and shakes his head. “Can’t dwell, things to do,” Eddie says, knowing that’s what his father would say.

Opening his mouth to say something, Buck is stopped by a ring at the door.

“You drink your coffee, I’ll get it,” Eddie says, walking out the room before Buck can get a word.

At the door, three women stand there; Abuela, Carla and Maddie.

“Carla, it’s your day off. You didn’t need to come,” Eddie says, letting them into the house.

“Technically, it’s not until eleven o’clock. But did you think I wouldn’t help you,” she says giving the look. “You don’t need to be worrying about cleaning or anything else like that, not that you do anyway.” After she finishes, she goes into the house knowing what needs to be done.

“I can’t do much, but we’re family,” Maddie says, holding Eddie’s shoulder for a few seconds then pulls stuff out from her bag making Eddie know that the money that the Buckley parents give to their kids has come in again, “I brought some stuff from Chris, I hope that’s ok.”

“Of course, he’ll love it,” Eddie says, starting to feel like he’s buried under the sand. “Buck’s in the kitchen.” with that she goes off in search of her brother.

“Mijo, I’ll help you with the planning,” Abuela says in Spanish, knowing that in times of distress he reverts back to her son’s lessons while taking his hand in hers remembering the prayers she has been saying since they visited her. “But eat first, you’ll need your strength. I started making barbacoa last night, it just needs to be heated up.”

Knowing that he won’t win, Eddie follows her into the kitchen carrying the pot she came with. He places it down on the stove as she turns on the heat, walking past Maddie and Buck at the table. Eddie leans against the counter, just watching Buck talking, in awe of his liveliness and not knowing what he would have done without him.

Just as he is about to sit down his phone rings.  
  
“Yeah, this is him,” Eddie says, running his teeth over his lips. “Are you sure? Right, ok. Thank you for telling me.” Letting whatever is going on settle, no one says anything but when Eddie’s face gets more severe, Buck feels his chest narrowing.

“Who… what…” Buck tries to ask but everything gets stuck.

Looking down at his phone like it’s a figment of his own making for a full minute before he looks up at Buck. Eddie’s face is a painting of wide eyes, a twisted mouth and a slumped posture.

“That was a fertility clinic, Shannon had donated some of her eggs. ‘Cause we’re still married, I get custody over them,” Eddie says, looking to the open door of his bedroom where Chris is sleeping and stopping to take a breath. “She’s got one confirmed pregnancy but when they got the news they stopped using them. They haven’t given her the money yet, now they are giving it to us, ten thousand now and five at the birth. I think she was using it to get some money together,” Eddie breathes out, hands shaking.

Quickly, Buck pulls out a chair and ushers Eddie into it. He looks to Eddie, “I don’t have anything to say,” Buck whispers, being unable fathom this beyond him.

Buck is visibly able to see Eddie, force himself into numbness. “At least this way she can have the funeral she deserves. I’ll call the funeral home,” Eddie says, washing everything away.

“Mijo…”, “Eddie…” Both Buck and Isabel warn.

But Eddie carries on, putting the dialling tone on loudspeaker. “Hello, this is Mayview funeral home.”

“Uh, hi… My wife… has just died,” Eddie says, not wanting to get into the intricacies of his relationship with his to be ex-wife.

“Ok, just to give me an idea to give a quote, what kind of funeral do you want?” Eddie just freezes everything crashing into him at the same time.

“Actually, can we do this later?” Eddie asks, hanging up before the man on the other end can say anything. Without a sound, Eddie gets up and walks back to his room to go be with his son.

Like a buffering video, Buck just stays there staring at the empty space Eddie had left. When he comes around, Maddie is staring at him, “are you going to go after him?” she asks, trying to remain neutral.

“In a minute, sometimes… I’m too much,” Buck tells her, even though it is a rarity and Buck needs time to himself more than Eddie.

Digging around, Buck is finally able to scour up some courage and endurance, letting him go to Eddie. Gently, he opens the door to a sleeping Chris and Eddie with his eyes closed but Buck knows he’s not asleep.

Getting in next to Eddie, resting cheek against cheek telling Eddie, “don’t worry, I’ll plan it, just…”

Buck is cut off from saying any more. “Are you sure?”

“Yes,” is all Buck can out.

“Thank you. I really don’t know what I’d do without you,” Eddie says, giving him a peck on the cheek as he takes up residence on Buck’s shoulder.

When Eddie is asleep, Buck steps out of the room and sits back at the table. Abuela is still heating up the food when he tells her in Spanish, “Abuela, I’m organising it now.”

“You're a good boy. I’ll help you,” she says to him in Spanish, turning down the heat and sitting next to him. “Thank you for letting me help, my grandson is too stubborn to let me.”

With her by his side, Buck makes a series of phone calls; the police to know when they are releasing Shannon’s body but he has to call Athena after receiving a bureaucratic runaround, his mouth getting dry as he remembers the night that changed his life and Shannon’s part to play in that, then the funeral home- telling them they haven’t decided on the service but when to pick Shannon… her body up, he can’t help but think about how Shannon hates… hated being alone.

Buck has never lost a friend before, never settling in a place long enough and he knows that if it weren’t for everyone else he would have been ready to bolt the second that the flatline happened, not even sticking around to see if she was resuscitated.

Before he can punch in the numbers for the florist. A hand stops him, pulling, dragging him away between the organising he had not realised that all three women are at the table and in agreement. Maddie voices what all of them are thinking, “You’ve done enough, go to them. We’ll sort out the rest.”

Not needing to be told twice, Buck gets up and returns to his bedroom filled with emotionally wrought Diazes. Tiptoeing into the room, making each movement smooth and gentle, Buck gets into bed the other side of Eddie resting his hands on his welcoming chest and throwing his arm over his person. His brain reignited with army hardware, Eddie wakes up at Buck’s light touch. Realising it is just Buck against him, Eddie turns his arm around Buck so that they’re embracing.

“Sorry for waking you,” Buck says, closing his eyes, relishing in the warmth of being against Eddie and under the duvet.

“It’s nothing, I would have woken up for anything,” Eddie says, trailing patterns on Buck’s skin where his t-shirt has ridden up. “I called Georgia, Shannon’s cousin, you met her once on the anniversary of Shannon’s mother’s death. Anyway, I called her about the...eggs. She and Shannon are… were close. She said that we should keep them, that Shannon always wanted Chris to have siblings and that if Shannon didn’t want us, she said us, to have them, she would have changed her next of kin. She said that she loved us and would have wanted to help us to have more kids if we chose to.”

“Ok…” Buck says in amazement.

“Yeah...” Eddie says in a state of disbelief.

* * *

Seventy-two hours later, Buck and Abuela are picking out outfits for Eddie and Chris to wear to the funeral, neither of them having brought suits with them from Texas.

Not one thing catches his eyes as wishing he could be anywhere else. Finally, he settles on some, picking them and paying for them and walks out of the store. Then they go to the supermarket getting all of the essentials.

Inside he walks past the game that Chris has been asking for months and with his parents money burning a hole in his wallet and with everything going on it is an easy decision to pick it up and pay for it.

In the car, Abuela huffs as she talks over the phone, telling the person of Shannon’s death that has happened so many times over the past days that it quickly becomes background noise for Buck. When she finishes, Buck can feel her eyes on him, “that was Ramon.”

“Eddie’s…” Buck hesitates, knowing what this means.

“Papi. Sì.”

“Oh,” Buck says, swallowing the layer of saliva in his mouth.

“I’m sorry, Evan,” she says to him in spanish, knowing her son all too well.

As they pull up to the house, Buck sees Eddie waiting for them at the window. Buck makes sure it is only a journey, taking all the bags into the house at once.

“You know…” Eddie falters.

“Yeah…” Buck whispers out. “Eddie… it’s ok… honestly.”

“It shouldn’t be you were her friend, her family. You should be there too,” Eddie counters, getting angry at everything.

Buck drags Eddie away from Chris. “I can’t come between you and your family, Eddie. I can my goodbyes another time,” Buck states, needing to make all this easier on Eddie.

“You’ll be gone two weeks,” Eddie says, gripping onto Buck’s wrists.

“Eddie, I can’t be him,” Buck says, keeping his voice as low as possible.

“You’re not him,” Eddie reassures taking Buck into his arms and hoping that look he has will leave his face, “You’d never be him.”

“Eddie…” Buck cautions into Eddie’s neck.

“Ok. Fine. I’ll miss you,” Eddie tells him.

“We’ll say a proper goodbye,” Buck says, stressing his point.

“They’re flying in the day after tomorrow,” Eddie says, cradling Buck’s head.

“Tonight then, yeah,” Buck says, not moving his head from where it is, knowing this will be last time smelling Eddie for at least a couple of days.

Around six, when Chris is engrossed in his game, Buck pulls Maddie aside. “Can you keep him out of our room for an hour.”

Maddie nods and takes up a teasing tone, “just an hour?” 

As soon as the door is close Buck and Eddie are kissing like they are the only source of oxygen to exist. Then the rolling of hips happens making shivers and gasps run wild through them. Feeling a swell against his thigh, Eddie begins to strip Buck, who is seeking any source of contact and yanking at his clothes, wanting Eddie to be naked now. In a haze, they dissolve into clothes flying everywhere and skin touching skin while the room fills with moans, pants and whining. They fall on the bed, their hands lost in each other with Buck's babbling and Eddie melting into the sensations coming from Buck.

Entwined naked, covered with a sheen of musky sweat and worn out, Buck burrows into Eddie trying to commit every inch of him to memory while Eddie does the same thing, running over the top of Buck’s hip, seeing the bloom of bruises he had put there. 

Eddie looks down at Buck, resting on his chest with his damp from the sweat that he had made, feeling his guilt curl in his stomach, why was Buck leaving because his family is coming, his faincé should at least be known. “No round two tonight. We need a shower and Chris will be getting in with us again, so new sheets too.”

“Yeah..” Buck huffs out, pulling away from Eddie. “Join me in the shower?”

“Of course.” 

* * *

Only hours later, Buck is getting into Maddie’s car with a duffle bag.

As Eddie and Chris are on the driveway, waving them off, Chris asks his Dad, “why does Buck have to leave?”

Closing his eyes and forcing a dry swallow, Eddie knows he can’t tell his son the real reason. “Now isn’t the right time to tell them about Buck,” he tells Chris, wishing that his fiancé, his Buck, his… everything would be in his bed just a little longer.

* * *

**Thou hast cleft my heart in twain**

**_-Shakespeare_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry.
> 
> Back to the present day, next chapter.
> 
> Any way it is my birthday next month, (I'm turning 20, I'll no longer be a teenager, queue existential crisis.) I have a chapter (it's a big one) planned to upload for it but I don't think I'm going to hit it.
> 
> Kudos and comments are always appreciated.


	17. There is something at work in my soul, which I do not understand.

**She who loves roses must be patient and not cry when she is pierced by thorns.**

**_-Sappho_ **

* * *

Having Buck’s breathing cemented in her mind, the weight in Maddie’s stomach lifts a little, she knows it will return but for now not wanting to cry for her hurt brother feels like a win. Maddie tiptoes out of the room, back to the kitchen with Bobby, Athena and Eddie, who is hunched over the counter gripping onto his mug with all his strength making his knuckles go white. It’s not until she is next to him, making Eddie jump back a little like a startled cat, that any of them realise that she is here now.

Turning to her with a well worn furrowed brow, “where are they?” Eddie asks, clenching his jaw, sore at the fact that he will have to be a participant in their ever-present distance.

“I think that today was a bit much for Buck, both of them fell asleep,” Maddie says, reaching out to steal some chips from the bowl in the middle of the counter. Across the kitchen, she catches Athena’s eyes, looking at her while keeping the true extent of her feelings away, making both of their gazes go to Eddie for just a second.

“Eddie, there’s no point to wake them, stay for dinner,” Athena says, half-smiling at Eddie, not trying to scare him away from her snare.

“But…” Eddie tries to say but is quickly cut off.

“Stay,” Bobby tells him with an unusual force that Athena mostly gives off.

Eddie has his Adam's apple bob and now there is well-placed hesitation on his face. All he wants to do is take them back home, Chris will be safe at home and he can have Buck asleep in his bed, touching him the way he wants to that he can’t do when he’s awake.

“They’re not waking up anytime soon, trust me,” Maddie says, putting a hard on his forearm and knowing that when she goes home, Eddie still has to deal with Buck being the way he is.

Looking up from the hand on his arm, Eddie catches his tongue in his teeth and gives a nod to his audience. “Fine…” he tells them, short and curt. “What are we eating?”

“Uh…” Bobby stumbles then looks through the cupboards then settles on something. “Quesadillas.”

Dousing the flames in his mind, Eddie raises his eyebrows and asks, “really?”

Bobby picks up a ladle and points it at Eddie, “listen…”

Athena leaves Bobby to cook, leading Maddie and Eddie to sit down at the table, pouring them cups of ice-cold water. Over the kitchen, all four of them start up a conversation: jokes created under the power of weariness that echoes with each sound. Even spending time with all of them, he should be happy or enjoying it but all Eddie can think about is how much has gone on with him, Buck and Chris. Inside of him is this surface-level numbness that Eddie wants to cling to, instead of hearing his father’s voice telling him every way he isn’t doing enough of the right thing by them. On the sofa, May turns over and kicks Harry in the back of the head which he returns with a poke on her side. 

May bolts up but before she can get her next action in, Athena gets up and stops her, holding her wrist to stop her from moving an inch. “Bed…” Athena tells them, the two of them look at her. “Yes, both of you. Go on.” Knowing better than to argue with her, Harry and May shuffle off to their bedrooms.

Making quick work, Bobby finishes the quesadillas and places the high stacked plate onto the middle of the table. Weaving around each other, Athena and Bobby go around the kitchen picking out condiments and side dishes, placing them on the table.

As the heat warms its way into fingers, Eddie places a few triangles on his plate and scoops a few of the dishes on too. Setting his arms on his lap, Eddie has to scrunch his eyes closed, he notices the emptiness of space next to him; Buck should be here, he would usually be next to him, leaning into him, his hand should be on Buck’s thigh, it would be comfortable and not him clinging to any sign of life from Buck. All Eddie wants is Buck, his Buck, here and now.

With everyone’s plates full, Bobby turns his attention to what the other adults have done today, his mind just a little vegged out on entertaining sick children all day and wanting, having, to know how Buck is doing. “So... how did the appointments go?” Bobby asks, looking out to Maddie and Eddie.

Not wanting to think back on the appointment, a catalogue highlighting each and every single of his failures to do the right thing by Buck, what he should be able to do. Providing for his family, Buck and Chris, should be an easy thing to do and yet he can’t do- Buck isn’t getting any better, Chris isn’t either. They were happy and a family, Eddie had felt like he’d found his place in the world after the army.

Opening his eyes back to the light, Eddie grits his teeth and swallows. “They went ok, well as ok as it can for… Buck, now,” Eddie says, wanting to change from the subject.

Bobby doesn’t say anymore, giving a soft sympathetic smile, all of the expression delicately and clearly written in eyebrows and cheeks. Turning away from Eddie, Bobby feels this fiery burn in his stomach, only a little water downed from when he saw Buck stuffed with tubes and wonders if the two youngest members of his squad would be here if he hadn’t been on suspension, if he hadn’t goaded that boy. No one would be put through this.

“But he’s not really had any improvements,” Maddie says, slightly shaking her head to move the thoughts away. At her words, Eddie stops eating and turns his head to look at Maddie, the other part of Buck’s defunct support system. “He… The more… I know,” Maddie forces out, looks at Athena, who takes Maddie’s hands for a second, locking eyes for just a second then stops herself from sniffling.

Picking at his food like it is a science experiment, Eddie looks at Bobby and gives a little cough. Bobby only takes a moment to send his eyes to the noise. “How was Chris, today?” Eddie asks, purposely even, it is more of an obligation as he knows better than anyone the answer to the question he is really asking. Eddie doesn’t want to add another bullet point to his list of deficiencies as father and as a partner. He also knows what it would look like if he didn’t ask, they would all know how bad he really is.

Swallowing his bite, Bobby looks up to Eddie with that sympathetic smile. “He was good, as always. He and Harry played off one another a bit but then we went out,” Bobby says trying to be as light as he can for Eddie. He can see the holes in Eddie’s armour and thinks that Marcy dying was merciful, he isn’t sure he could go through what Eddie is.

Maddie begins to talk, striking up an actual conversation between Athena, her and Bobby. Every time she tries to engage Eddie, he remains at arm’s length- he hums, nods and gives short, one-sentence answers.

The words around him seem to be another part of the world that his mind has deemed unimportant, all Eddie can remember is how calm and at peace with the world, ever since leaving the army he’s felt tense waiting for the next thing but when he began to fall for Buck that fell into the background and all he could focus on was him and Chris, he feels when Buck is sat next to him. Eddie wants to be sure that his person is there, wants him and needs him, he needs Buck to him. Not wanting to be seen as rude, Eddie looks at them, pulsing his jaw and putting his elbows on the table.

On the other side of the house and a handful of moments later, Buck has returned to the world of living somewhat, caught in half sleep and half wakefulness. Staying lying down with his back flat against the mattress, Buck can hear the sounds of crockery clacking and glass clinking together but he doesn’t feel the need to get up and go to them. Just as they were earlier Buck’s feelings don’t feel like he owns them, he wants to feel the need to go to them but his little cocoon feels safer than anything or anyone else could.

Next to him, Chris shuffles in his sleep closer to Buck. Letting Chris rest his head on his shoulder, Buck feels guilty Chris doesn’t have the expectations everyone else does with it he can feel pinpricks behind his eyes. All anyone wants is for him to be the old Buck again. Why is it so hard for him to be him?

Stretching out his lower body, Buck hits the tucked in edges of the cover and knows that Maddie has come in and worked her magic. The more he does so, his stump hits his leg and Buck’s body surges forward: Buck doesn’t want this, he wants his own, his real body back, the one he is so sure of. He doesn’t want to have to turn away in the mirror or get stuck in it wishing for normalcy. He doesn’t want to turn away from Eddie or worry what Eddie thinks of him or what Eddie sees when he looks at him. He wants to feel like him again, confident enough to reach out for Eddie in every single way possible.

Buck always had himself to rely on, Maddie had chosen Doug and his parents were his parents so they were probably abroad expanding their business portfolio, but Buck always had Buck. He hadn’t just lost a leg, that would be easier, so much easier, but along with him, he had lost his ability; the ability to walk to another room, the ability to be the one that helps his new family. With his loss, he had gained so much fear. Fear; of the world, running free in his mind, of what Eddie wants from him, being unable to give him that while wanting to give him everything and how much more Eddie can take, of how long it will be before he lost everything because he can’t stop his anger from bubbling over and he can’t force himself to cross the distance.

As Chris burrows into his shoulder, sniffling and snoring, Buck can’t help but feel grateful that he is allowed in this kid’s life, he feels a little guilty that he gets to be this kid’s parent and no one else but Eddie will know the gift that it is. Circling an arm around the top of his back, Buck hears the muffled voices and noise, all he wants is Eddie here. He could be on the other side of Chris, Buck can almost feel the way Eddie would stroke his hair and smile at the both of them. They would have a whispered conversation and Eddie would make him promise that they would talk about in the morning when Chris wasn’t between them. Everything would be okay and normal, he wouldn’t have this burn in his stomach, he would be happy like they had been most of the time before the incident, now every argument that they had had seems trivial. 

The warmth is too strong for Buck, sleep begins to claim him again. Buck lets Chris sleep against him as he holds him, just a little tighter than usual, wanting every fibre of Chris to know that the numbness of earlier isn’t real and he loves him with all that he is. When sleep worms into his bones, Buck knows all he will be able to do for the next few hours is sleep deep in the abyss, feeling the way his exhaustion has seeped into each of his cells.

The next thirty minutes, Eddie is given leftovers to store in his freezer. Bobby with one last glance then goes off to check on Harry and May, Maddie goes off to the bathroom. That leaves Eddie alone with Athena, she looks at him with expectant eyes, waiting for … until Eddie is ready to speak. In front of him, Eddie looks down at his hands, stretching them out and pulling them back a few times, at last, he takes a shaky inhale and moves his head to actually look at Athena

“‘thena, I’m doing ok, really. All I need is some sleep,” Eddie says, matching her eyes.

“If it ever does get too much, you know where we are,” Athena tells him, trying not to put so much emphasis on it that it seems like a command, that he is forced to obey.

Eddie swallows so hard that he can feel through every bone in his head. “I’m coping, Athena,” Eddie says, his head returning to the past months; how the voice in his head warns him off even touching his fiancé when he would be aware of it, how he hasn’t been able to soothe any hurt his son is going through, how he hadn’t been able to make Buck better, how he hasn’t been able to take care of his family.

Stopping from shaking her head, Athena holds Eddie gaze for a few seconds before she speaks. “If you’re sure. But we are here, all of us are here for all of you.”

Giving her a nod, Eddie says, “I’m sure…” He says that because he has swallowed all his feelings to deal with what he needs to, now. All of what he feels about what’s going on, can be dealt with later when Chris is okay and Buck is back, he will hold his hand and whisper all that is going on his mind. All that has gone has proved what kind of man he is. The only person he can tell about this is Buck. Transforming his hand into a fist, Eddie forces numbness on him; he needs to provide, he needs to be the man he needs to be for his family, his feelings aren’t important ( Buck had lost a leg and Chris had lost a mother but what has Eddie really lost.)

“Ok, go wake your boys up,” Athena says, pulling back, giving a hesitant smile. Eddie is about to turn but Athena stops him. “Don’t forget your food, if you do Bobby will turn up at yours at five in the morning with more food.”

Eddie walks back and picks up the leftovers and puts them in the car. When he comes back into the house, he gives Maddie and Athena a nod then walks over to the Nash-Grant spare bedroom.

As they come into view, Eddie stops and leans against the doorframe. Standing, his muscles tight and tense the same way his mind feels, he watches Buck with a protective arm around Chris and the realisation of luck runs through him, why is he allowed this man in his life is beyond him. Moving closer, Eddie gets to Chris’ side and ghosts a finger over the bridge of his nose. Eddie wishes that it was a few months ago when they would have woken up with nothing but smiles. He wishes that Buck wouldn’t wake with a brutal distance from where he is stationed and Buck is stuck on the other end. Chris would wake up clinging to him or Buck, as though he didn’t hold on tight enough they would disappear.

Pulling away, removing his fingers from Chris’ face, Eddie decides to wake Buck first, Chris with his movement and natural loudness will wake Buck up with a startle and Eddie can’t risk him disappearing into himself again. Making sure the placement of his feet is light and gentle, Eddie walks over to Buck’s side. Waiting, watching Buck for a second, Eddie then reaches out, shaking his shoulder slowly. As soon as Buck blinks with awareness, pulls away not wanting to force Buck into something that is too much.

“We’re going home,” Eddie says, looping his arm around Buck before he is even fully awake to a sitting up position. And just like before Eddie pulls away. Like always they stare at each other but it is shorter than usual, the sense of not being at home, bringing some urgency. Then Eddie walks to Chris and tries to shake him awake but all Chris does is roll over and search for Buck’s warmth. “Chris, Chris. Christopher, c’mon buddy you need to wake up,” Eddie whispers, trying to rouse him.

“Eddie,” Buck whispers out, making the man he’s calling out to look up at him. “Let him sleep, carry him to the car.” 

“But you might need help,” Eddie counters, caught between gritting his teeth and closing his eyes.

“I’ve got my crutches,” Buck says, stopping the bite in his voice. “And Maddie is here. He’s still sick, let him sleep.” Eddie looks to Buck for a second then into the hallway and back at Buck, nodding with a jerk.

Easily, Eddie picks up Chris, his head lulling onto his shoulder. In all the movement, Chris doesn’t wake up and Eddie places a supporting arm in his back and the other doing the same to his head. As Buck rolls out of bed getting one foot on the floor, Eddie’s hand twitches. He wants to be there to help Buck but also he wants to keep a hold of his son.

Waiting a second to feel ground, to be sure of it, Buck picks up his crutches and places them under his arms. As he pushes up off the bed, Buck’s grip loosens for just a second but catches himself, when he is fully stood up he looks back at Eddie. He can see the gritted teeth and the curled fingers, making him know that if his hands were free he would have jolted into action, catching him before he can even catch himself. Making sure the grip is tight, then looking back at Eddie, he should be the one waking in front of Buck but he knows that Eddie won’t allow him out of his sight if he isn’t made too. Giving him a glance, Buck sets off in his routine of waking.

As soon as Buck is in the kitchen, Maddie puts down her cup and reaches out to Athena who puts her hand on top of hers, then pulls away and turns to her brother, joint his side.

The walk back to the car is short and even, Eddie puts Chris in the back and without needing to be asked he helps Buck in next to Chris, making Buck feel a scalding heat in his stomach. Then Buck pulls his door close, yanking it out of Eddie’s hands, letting him join Maddie in the front. Gripping the steering wheel so tight that his knuckles go white, Eddie brings the car to life, pulling out of the driveway into the road home. Wearily, Buck rests his head on the window, letting the vibrations run through him, he doesn’t even feel tired. Buck just feels heavy, he knows that one more instance of Maddie’s and Eddie’s unhelpful helpfulness would make him explode, but doesn’t have the energy to even think about it for more than a few minutes. Still not having woken up, Chris deep in sleep fails against the seat and window. If a Buck was looking he would have seen Maddie’s trained eyes on him.

Pulling up at home, Eddie and Maddie starts a back and forth. It's the kind that doesn’t need to happen but is like letting steam through a valve, so the pot doesn’t explode.

“Maddie, really you should go home. You have work tomorrow and no clothes,” Eddie says, finishing off his parking, pulling up the gear stick.

Looking at Eddie with a humourless but hospitable expression. “Everyone else isn’t available, Eddie. It’ll help you if I’m here before work.”

“You can visit us after work,” Eddie tells her, trying to help her and knowing he should be the one to help Buck most of all.

Maddie huffs out a sigh. “Fine, you win, but… I’ll definitely come over and we get Buck to try the prosthesis.” Buck wants to react but he doesn’t, the actual weight of the day pressing into him.

“I don’t have any doubts that you won’t be here. You’ll probably magically appear as you clock off,” Eddie says.

Then Maddie is giving her goodbyes, a hug from both Buck and Eddie. Waiting until Maddie has driven away, Eddie gets out of the car walking around to Chris’ side. Taking Chris up in his arms, Eddie tells Buck to wait here, the both of them knowing that Buck would be fine following. But Buck knows and loves Eddie, he both wants to fight and give in to the feeling that makes his face flush. Unsure whether he’s too done or because it is Eddie, Buck gives up and settles against the chair waiting for Eddie to come back for him.

Turning on the lights with his elbow, Eddie makes his way to Chris’ bedroom. Like he was before, Chris is tucked in safely and remains soundly asleep. Eddie waits a few seconds, making sure he won’t wake, strokes his face in awe of his son and the way that he shines brighter than any other kid then leaves the bedroom to go back for Buck.

Eddie helps Buck out of the car, then they both end up in the kitchen. “Do you want anything to eat?” Eddie asks, going over what he has in the cupboard, his voice forcibly light as though their lives aren’t any different from months ago. 

Holding out his hands out in front of him, Buck holds a heavy breath, all he can feel is an overpowering fullness in his stomach. He wonders if he proves himself this time that after Eddie might just hug him or even just hold his hand and Buck would grip onto it because just his touch would be more sustaining than food.

“I’m not but I can try some toast,” Buck says, looking up at Eddie through his bowed head.

Placing his hand just next to Buck, Eddie gives him a little smile. Their hands are close together but the glass wall stays, Buck doesn’t, can’t- all his feelings bubbling in him, as he remembers how he used to look in the mirror, how different he is and how Eddie might see the same thing he does now. Eddie doesn’t, can’t- bridge that gap, not wanting to put an expectation on Buck that he can’t meet, remembering the ways Buck gets angry and how he feels about that and wanting to wait until he is ready to lead the way like he always has, to be ready for him again. Seeing fingertips, only for a second, Buck raises his head to look more at Eddie.

Pulling back with a smile still on his face. “Thank you,” Eddie whispers, then goes off to the toaster. “Stay sitting down, do you want some water too?”

Looking at Eddie, Buck gives a gentle nod. They look at each other for a few moments then Eddie sits down at the table sidling over the plate and a glass. As he eats Buck looks at Eddie with something just sitting in his stomach, reminding him of all the things Eddie has done, what’s made him grit his teeth and what’s made him feel safe and made his heart beat faster. Eddie watches Buck and feels his fingers itching to hold Buck’s face and whisper ‘that he’s ok, they’re ok’ until he believes it but Eddie doesn’t answer the call. Sitting separately silently, the two of them lock eyes, every cell in their body calling out for its other half but they remain stuck in the quick.

A little while later, Eddie has helped Buck to the bedroom, keeping his hands only on Buck’s stomach, not venturing near his hips. When he has sat Buck down on his side, Eddie gets two fingers under Buck’s chin, jerking his head up gently to look at him. Leaning into the touch, like the only thing to exist, Buck stares at Eddie breathing hard and wishing that he would do something more. They can feel each other's hot breath on their faces, It would be so easy for them to kiss, one of them would only have to move half an inch. Buck would even settle on just Eddie trace his lips with his fingers. Giving Buck a few more seconds, Eddie stares back at Buck trying to give him everything without it being too much. As though he is ripping off a layer of skin, Eddie pulls away and walks over to his side of the bed. The same as every night before, Buck and Eddie let the distance between them remain but Eddie feels Buck move into his space.

With sleep clouding his mind, Eddie forgets his sensibilities and stretches his arm behind Buck’s head, still not touching but feeling the new sensation he starts to wake up.

Buck is still looking at him, his brow twisted but Eddie doesn’t feel the need to move. “Is this, ok?” he asks, ready to jump into movement.

“Yeah…” Buck whispers, barely audible but sure.

* * *

After breakfast, while Eddie is in the shower and Chris is asleep in his bed, Buck finds himself texting Karen. It started out as him asking about Denny but it had turned into a jovial check in with Buck returning it.

Twisting his ring, Buck juggles between asking what he wants or settling on it being too much, Swallowing a little savila, Buck decides that it can’t hurt to ask.

_when hen comes over_  
_can you come 2_

Buck only has to wait a couple seconds for a reply.

_Yh. Denny should be better then_

A few seconds later, Buck's phone rings. He stares at the phone, confused that it isn’t Maddie who is calling. His fingers hover over the answer button for a few seconds as debates letting it ring off, but he does pick it up.

“What’s wrong?” Karen asks, and Buck can hear Denny shouting in the background.

Buck turns his head away from the phone, it takes a few days for what’s in his mind to leave his body in an organised manner. “It’s… not important. It can wait,” Buck says, not wanting to be on the phone much longer.

“I… don’t feel like I’m doing enough for them,” Buck says breath after grappling with the words caught in his throat.

On the other side of the line, Karen takes the phone off her shoulder and transfers it to the other. “I get that,” Karen sighs. “Hen and Eddie are more alike than you would think.”

“What do you mean?” Buck asks, crinkling his brow.

“They're the kind of people that we climb into their minds and put everything in the right boxes but when we can’t do that… they don’t cope and do stupid stuff, like cheating on you with their crazy bitch ex and nearly make you lose your child,” Karen says, forcing the dirty humour into it. “And even though they are the ones who’ve messed up, you can’t help but feel if you were around it wouldn’t of happened” 

“Yeah..” Buck agrees, he can’t do anything but.

“Guilt would feel better, wouldn’t it? But Buck I know where you are on the list of importance but you’re not helping anyone, I do the same thing, if you can’t…” Karen tries to pick her words to stop herself from sounding mean. “If you’re not looking after yourself.”

“They need me,” Buck tells her, his voice rigid, being there for Eddie and Chris alongside being a firefighter is the only things he’s good at.

“But do they have you, Buck? Look I do the same thing. Let me guess, it’s Chris, then Eddie, then your relationship then you,” Karen says as she closes her eyes for the next sentences. “And just sometimes, they come before the kid. It’s a whirlwind being at the centre of their world because of the quiet intensity, I don’t mean how you were before the one-one-eight, it's the keeping the every day normal and you just being around them makes you feel better, you’d do anything to stay there and helping them is the best part of it. You need to take time for you. Look, Den’s calling me, I’ve gotta go but just think about what I said.”

The next few days pass in a blur, Eddie has two shifts that he has to drag himself to, worrying about Chris and Buck and how he is going to make enough money for rent next week being two hundred short with bills still to pay. Chris gets better, Buck and him, still spend most of their time together but Carla has to increase her herding of Chris as he gets more energetic and boisterous, some of it grating against Buck’s frayed nerves. After being goaded into testing his new leg, Buck decides he hates it as much as the old one and only wears it when he feels like he has too. As he has been getting used to it for Maddie and Eddie, Buck cycles through emotions, his feelings having more control over his body than he does.

Then Eddie finishes a shift, leaving him only to his family for the next forty-eight hours.

The day starts slowly, Eddie has to wake Buck up. He wakes up heavy and in a daze , making Eddie wonder if it is one of those days again. But Buck does come to himself without a hazy look that is looking beyond him. Chris is a little easier to rouse, Eddie helps him get dressed then sits him at the table with some food. Before Eddie can return to Buck, he comes into the room giving both Eddie and Chris a painfully pleasant smile that is pulled across his face. Buck doesn’t ask for what he wants and Eddie just places food in front of him.

When they are all ready, they make their journey to the hospital again. Passing trees and houses, Buck wishes for LA traffic to kick in, he doesn’t want to go and have someone try and put every little thing that isn’t right with him on display. Chris is pleasantly waiting, no dred or happiness in him, he just wants to go home and do what Buck and Dad had promised him.

The papers in the lap of the man across from him are shuffled again. He makes a loud clearing of his throat, looks down at his papers then back at Buck. “So we’ve got through that,” he says, shaking his hand with the topic, “but how have you been?”

Now, Buck has been sitting with a pillow holding it in front of him, he has pulled up his leg and residual limb in front of him, his arms are now across his legs holding all of it in place. With a fire in his belly, Buck remembers the past few weeks, his outbursts but mostly his blackouts and being unable to feel his own feelings. Buck looks out of the window, making a sigh then back at his therapist.

Buck has to grit his teeth before he speaks. “I lost time again… you said it would stop.”

“And it will, Buck. But things have happened to you, trauma and that takes time to deal with,” the man says, as though he couldn’t be more sure.

“I have a kid…I can’t lose time. All we do is talk, how is that going to help Chris or Eddie. I need to get better,” Buck spits out.

“Buck…” the man tries to warn.

“Whatever…” Buck says, shaking his head and looking back out the window. “Do wanna talk about my meds again?”

Across the hall, Chris is sitting at a table filled with toys and the man is sitting with him joining in too, both of them colouring a picture.

“So, Chris your Dad told me about your nightmare,” the doctor asks, making him seem inquisitive and not clinical. “How do you feel about them?”

Chris stops drawing for a second, then starts again. “They make me miss Mom and feel kind of sad but not really, it’s a kind of sad... but Buck and Dad make me feel better,” Chris says, perfecting his rainbow.

“How do they make you feel better?” Aaron asks.

“They stay near me and give me hugs when I wake up from the nightmare and they’re still there and not gone like Mom. I feel safe,” Chris says, changing the colour of the pen he is using.

In the hallway, Eddie is sitting with his head in hands, wondering what is going on in the two rooms just a little away from him. He wishes that we’re home instead of being here; if he had saved Shannon somehow, if he had stopped Buck getting hurt or even if he was the one who got hurt, they would not be here now.

Chris comes out first brandishing a picture which he shoves in Eddie’s hands. Eddie ruffles his hair, pushing him off to the play area.

“How is he?” Eddie asks, his gut turning awaiting the answer.

“He’s getting better but you are right about him not being ready for school,” Doctor Morgan says.

Five minutes later, Buck comes out, he walks close to Eddie as though he wants to reach out, Eddie waits for it but it never comes. Eddie calls Chris over and they make their way back to the car.

At home Chris goes off in search of something he lost in the mess of his room. When he’s completely out of earshot, Eddie turns to Buck who is still standing next to him, moving ever closer.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” Eddie asks, hoping this will be the string that will unravel everything.

But Buck pulls back. “No, I don't. I'm tired, I’m going to bed,” Buck says, disappearing immediately.

Buck lays in bed completely awake, going over every word he had spoken in therapy today. The noise of Chris walking starts out by his door and Buck rolls his head towards it. The shadow of Chris erupts under the doorway before he walks in and sits down next to Buck.

As he rests his head on Buck’s shoulder, he looks up at him. “Why don’t you spend time with us anymore?” Christopher whispers.

Buck looks at Chris, titling his head and furrowing his brow, they spend almost every day together. “I….”

“You spend time with me and Dad but not us together. But always sad too and you’re Buck and always happy,” Chris says as he moves his hand to Buck’s face and pouting.

“Me being sad is nothing to do with you… or Dad but I’m sorry. I’ll try to be happier and spend time with both of you,” Buck says, resting his head on Chris’, closing his eyes and shaking his head. He knows that he doesn’t have the energy to be happy but it’s Chris and Eddie, what use is he really if not to make them happy.

Maddie comes over the next day, And like an animal performing a trick, Buck is told to try his new leg again and he does, unable to argue but his stomach feels sore with the burning that wants to erupt out of it. Every time he moves with the leg on, Buck knows it’s there, making him remember that his leg is missing and what’s on him isn’t a part of him. Buck can feel the plastic of prosthetic rubbing against his skin, taking with all it’s smoothness. It hurts not only physically but it tears up his mind providing memories of how what he used be made him feel.

* * *

A few hours later Eddie drops off Chris at CCF, hoping that a new bug isn’t going around and Maddie is off at work. Buck is left alone in silence feeling able to breathe with no eyes watching, anticipating his next move and when to intercept. Alone, and knowing it wouldn’t be for much longer, Buck gets into the shower.

Eddie comes back and looks a little dazed that Buck has changed clothes, and is now wearing his. The part of Buck that wants him to hide away is easily quelled for Eddie and Buck wants to be next to him but he can’t find the power within himself to do so. Allowing Eddie to sit next to him, Buck turns on their show that they always watch together and Eddie sitting next to him, doesn’t manhandle Buck to lean against, like he should but he just sets his hands near his neck.

A couple of episodes later, Hen, Karen, Denny and Chris turn up to the house. Chris and Denny disappear off to Chris’ room. Eddie leads Karen and Hen to the kitchen, leaving Buck alone after they say their ‘hellos’.

Hen places the paper on the table as Eddie makes the coffees.

“It‘s so complicated. I had to get another form for you,” Hen says, pointing to the stack of papers.

“Isn’t all paperwork?” Eddie says, turning around giving out the mugs.

“I'll leave you to it,” Karen says. “I’m gonna go talk to Buck.”

“But…” Eddie tries to voice concern.

“I won’t… I’ve got something he asked for,” Karen says, walking off to Buck.

Eddie watches her leave gritting his teeth and shaking his head. What can she give to Buck that he can’t?

“Hey kid,” Karen says, setting down next to him, seeing the way he has closed into himself, scrunched up like a child sulking.

Buck has to swallow what he’s feeling and forces up hard-pressed humour. “I’m not that much younger than you.”

Karen gives a little laugh, “you’re closer in age to May than you are to me, so you’re kid.”

“Fine,” Buck huffs out.

“That was easy,” Karen giggles.

“I’m little brother, I know when to give up,” Buck smiles, with infusions of sadness behind it.

“Middle child, only sister. It is an art, what can I say? Karen jokes.  
“Yeah… Anyway, how have you been?” Buck asks, actually holding her gaze.

Just as she is about to answer, Buck drops his eyes. “Good. Better, now that Den’s well again. You?”

“Fine. Well…” Buck looks away and shakes his head., then looks at the hallway to the kitchen “Chris wants more family time… but do you ever get annoyed at Hen? For like no reason and you know it's wrong but you can’t…”

“Yes, I do. Ever since… It’s gotten worse since being on the hormones but it started a while ago, after… It happened the other day when she and Denny were playing. They were both laughing, I should have been too but all I could think was ‘this fucking bitch cheated on me.’”

“How do you deal with it?” Buck says, just wanting to go back to normal.

“I accepted that she can’t change what happened and I can’t either. But that doesn’t stop the feelings or needing to be away from her,” Karen tells him.

“Oh… At the same time, I’m so angry at him, I want him to… I don’t know… I want him to do something,” Buck says.

In the other room, Hen and Eddie are talking but to get him to say anything of substance is pulling teeth.

“How are you?” Hen asks, filling out the papers.

“Fine,” Eddie replies short and curt.

“You always say that,” Hen says, putting down the pen.

“What do you want me to say, Hen? That Buck isn’t coping and Chris is hurting and nothing I do is helping. Just proving what kind of man, who is that going to help?” Eddie bites out.

* * *

After Hen, Karen and Denny leave, the hours pass heavy, full of implication; Eddie comes into the living room after psyching himself up to sit next to Buck and Chris. Buck melts into Eddie’s presence but they still don’t touch but Buck moves as close to Eddie as he can. Chris finds his way between Buck and Eddie, wanting to be close to them after being away from them for a couple of hours. Eddie forces himself to not just hold Buck’s face, knowing that it could be too far but the way Buck’s body has laxed and inched closer to him gives him hope.

Chris after a few minutes gets antsy with the silence. So Eddie turns on the games console and joins in playing with Chris.

Like any game, shouting and more loud noises start. Around the edges of his mind, Buck can feel something he dreads crawling into him, not wanting to leave so that Chris can have that quality time, he raises his fingers to his temple, rubbing trying to get some relief. Slowly and all at once, the sounds in his mind starts to muddle with now and the night of the incident.

Noticing, Eddie takes Chris to get a drink. When they come back, Eddie changes it over to the TV and looks at Buck. Seeing the tenseness of Buck’s face, Eddie’s throat feels sore, ‘why hadn’t he thought this would happen?’ If he had actually thought about what he was doing Buck wouldn’t be hurting again.

When Buck and Chris had gone to sleep huddled on the sofa, in sleep Buck had landed his head on Eddie’s shoulder. Eddie watches his face wondering if he’s in enough sleep that he can touch him but he can do so his phone rings.

“Hey, Carla,” Eddie says, barely in hearing range.

“Hi…” Carla says, pausing. “I’ve got a vacation booked next week. Are sure that’s ok, still?”

Eddie shakes his head, swallowing then answers, “of course. You’ve had this booked since last year. Besides, it’s only two weeks and we’ve got; Maddie, Peppa and Abuela and the rest of the one-one-eight. We’ll be fine.”

“Ok. But you’ll call if you need to,” She tells him and Eddie knows the expression she’s making.

“Yeah, I will,” Eddie says, more focused on stroking Chris’ hair.

“I mean it, Eddie. Day or night.” Carla tells him.  
Eddie and Carla give their goodbyes and he hops on the phone with Abuela.

“Abuela,” Eddie says, welling the tears in his eyes, he really doesn’t know how he’s going to cope.

“Yes...” she says, making her voice soft at Eddie's show of emotion.

“I’ve… When Carla’s away can you look after them,” Eddie says, the words stumbling out of him

“Yes, Mijo but I can’t stay over yours every night, you’re away,” Abuela offers, easily trying to prove Eddie that he doesn’t only have him.

“That’s ok, they can stay at yours,” Eddie utters, wanting them to be looked after but something inside of him from the army says that only his home base is safe

A little while later, Buck and Chris wake up. The TV is put on while Eddie and Chris joke around and Buck wants to buy the mud in his veins keeps him apart from them.

Buck watches Eddie laugh, how his face makes lines with it and those make him feel safe. Eddie’s arm around the back of his neck, makes him feel cared for. The way Eddie’s eyes stray over to him, every few seconds makes him know that he prefers feeling observed to no Eddie. Buck doesn’t know how he would cope without his Eddie.

* * *

**He is life’s liberating force**

**_-Euripides_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it's looking like I might hit the big chapter for my birthday but also me and schedules, so...
> 
> I feel like I miss all the milestones of this fic because my turnover is slow but I for everyone I hit I feel overjoyed. 
> 
> As always comments and kudos are appreciated.  
> Don't forget to comment 'cause it's my birth month.


	18. And this is my lover, I said

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An emergency is the absence of choice, the randomness of the world, the crazy chaos of life, robbing us of our safety. So, when the storms rage, we call out to the light up ahead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You're going to hate me at the end of the chapter.

**Union gives strength.**

**_-Aesop_ **

* * *

With the glass of the shower fogged, Eddie rests his heavy head against it, taking deep breaths, in only a few minutes, he would be leaving Buck and Chris to go to work, when he should be with them. The firmness of the glass against his skin and the cold against warmth in his heart and head wants him to stay there and look after them, but it also sets to remind him that going out to work will keep them safe in their home. Taking another deep breath, Eddie closes his eyes and places his arm above his head on the glass as hot water dribbles down his back, all he can think about is wanting to stay here and take care of them like he should and provide for them so they can have a comfortable life here. But in this silent solitude, he can let his brain admit that work isn’t the worst thing in the world, he can actually make a difference, unlike him at home, and working under instruction means that he knows what to do to help.

Shaking his head, Eddie realises he doesn’t have time to stand in the shower doing nothing. Speed inflating and itching all across his body sets Eddie into motion, picking up some soap and a washcloth rubs himself and throws his body under the water. Setting down the soap and washcloth, a cracked title enters his eye line, unable to believe the memories it provides, Eddie reaches out with a shaky water wrinkled hand to trace it. As the cut catches on his fingers, he remembers that Buck was the one to cause it, kicking out, when he was reaching the end of his fit of ecstasy that Eddie had been drawn out of him. Only able to stand it for a second, Eddie stands up fully and has to look away from it as his eyes begin to burn. With his body surging with remembrances and just wanting, needing, things to be back to normal; when all he had to worry about was keeping Buck and Chris as happy as they already were. Incapable of denying himself, with his vision blurred with the past and his want of his Buck circling his mind, Eddie lowers his hand, making only his body gasp and his breath hitch, when the hand settles on his sensitive skin. Eddie begins to finish his shower with the other hand in his mouth, muffling the moan exploding out of him.

Exiting the shower, Eddie a little peaced out, tiptoes into his bedroom, stopping for just an instance to look at Buck to make sure he hasn’t woken him up, how can Buck know that Eddie is thinking of them being intertwined in a passionate embrace when he still needs to get better. This would only make Buck think he has more expectations than he does, Eddie’s only expectation, his only true want is for Buck to get better and hold him again, nothing more than that. As quick as he can, Eddie puts on his clothes, then looks at Buck, who only last night had a bout of nightmares that Eddie had to give him more tablets for, then at the time on his phone then back at Buck frowning as his feet carry them out of their bedroom to Chris. 

Time seems to be going by at two times speed as he enters Chris’ room. With time not on his side, to stand and watch his son sleep like, letting his son being well remind him of how big and good his world is, he had so many times before, Eddie takes two steps at a time to get to his bedside. Making extra sure to be gentle, Eddie forms a light grip around Chris’ shoulders and gives him a little shake to wake him. At the intrusion, all Chris does is grunt and try to move away from it.

Eddie’s hand remains steadfast, if not getting a little tighter. “Chris, c’mon. I’ve got to go work,” Eddie huffs, looking at the time again. when he looks up from his phone, Chris’ eyes are still closed but he is holding out his arms. “Fine,” Eddie huffs out again as he bends down, letting Chris wrap his arms around his neck and wind his legs around his back. 

In all the movement, Chris doesn’t open his eyes once but just rests his head on his Dad’s shoulder. With his head on Eddie’s shoulder, Chris lets his breathing even out and gives most of his weight to his father.

At Chris’ antics, Eddie lets out a buried sigh. “Wake up, Chris. This… is not… what I meant. You…. wake up, please,” Eddie tries to say, holding Chris tight while closing his eyes, wishing that he could just let Chris sleep. Instead of doing what he’s told, Christopher just buries further into the junction between Eddie’s shoulder and neck. Opening his eyes then closing and opening them again, Eddie nods his head. “Fine, you can go back to bed, I’ll leave your clothes on your dresser,” Eddie tells him, as he tries to untangle Chris as he holds on tighter. “You want Buck? Fine.”

Moving Chris to the side of his body, Eddie walks down the hallway to his bedroom. As quiet as he can, Eddie transfers Chris onto his bed, placing the covers over him. Chris was already in a light doze but as soon his head hits the pillow that changes to a heavy sleep, that makes him stretch over Eddie’s old place.

Unable to lose time to contemplate, Eddie goes over to Buck’s side. Eddie only has to place a finger on Buck to make him startle out of sleep, looking at Eddie with wide eyes and breathing hard. The ice in his veins, clots immediately making Eddie pull away, he’s already hurt Buck, so badly that he can’t heal, and he just keeps on doing it, but this morning he just can’t do it anymore.

Backing off, giving Buck his personal space back, Eddie just looks at Buck with the voice in his head screaming ‘coward’ as he ignores the call that is written across Buck's face that he should be the one to take the fear away. Even though it seems like eons, it is only a few seconds until Buck comes to himself, looking at Eddie with a softened brow and a deep yearning in his heart that puts tears in his eyes. Buck wants to crawl and scream at the wall in his mind, keeping him stuck to his mattress.

The two of them stare at each other, all it would take is one twitch of movement and Buck would be a crying heap in Eddie’s arms. Letting out a breath, Eddie remembers Buck’s anger and lifts his head standing up a little straighter. putting a bit of bravado into his muscles, taking one step closer to the bed.

“I’m going to work...in… in a few minutes but Chris didn’t want to wake up and he wanted to get in with you,” Eddie tells Buck, looking over, feeling both parts of wanting to reach out and stuck in the loop of forcing down how he really feels when Buck’s outbursts get verbal.

Looking up at Eddie, Buck whispers, “are you sure that’s okay? You don’t like it when I have nightmares.”

“It wasn’t too bad, last night and you slept more this week. Besides, he wanted you… so…” Eddie says, still looking ahead, then out of impulse he looks down at his phone and surges forward, placing a kiss on Buck’s forehead.

Just at the contact, Buck’s eyes start to water and his breathing gets hard. The touch seems to make everything click into place, he is ready to move forward and not let Eddie go until everything that is buried in him is out. 

Noticing the reaction, Eddie’s shoulder slump, he’s already caused Buck so much pain and he just keeps adding to it, so he pulls away. In Buck’s head, he can see his naked mirror image staring back at him crackling at how empty his heart feels without Eddie’s touch.

“I’m sorry, I’ve really got to go. Abuela’s coming at ten, Chris’ clothes and crutches will be on the edge of the bed. Make sure you eat,” Eddie tells him, walking to the door frame but stopping before he steps out, Eddie looks over his shoulder. “It’s ok. You can sleep, I know you're tired.”

Buck lies back down as Chris flops over and through half-lidded eyes look at Eddie. “ Thank, you, I…” Buck tries to smile but it misses the mark and comes out pained.

“I do too,” Eddie with his arms feeling more empty than ever tells him, the sound cracking out of his throat the same he imagines his heart is, as he walks out the room.

* * *

Pulling into a space, Eddie parks his car, letting the sunlight stream through his windscreen warming up his painfully cold skin. Moving his chair backwards, Eddie opens his window and bows his head just below his shoulders, letting fresh air into his lungs. Eddie just needs a minute, a second, to take his mind off what he has left at home, he needs to be a hundred per cent here, working is something he can do, something he needs to do for his family. He needs to make the money to keep their home, and he hopes that this need to keep a home will keep all of his feelings at bay, even if it’s just for the shift.

Not having another second, Eddie with his already exhausted muscles making every movement more difficult than it needs to be, he gets out of the car. Letting the cement take him to the front of the station, with Bobby checking everybody off who enters the station. The two of them nod at each other and with a haziness in his head, Eddie goes off to change into his complete uniform.

Eddie comes out of the changing room, a few minutes later joining Hen, Chimney and the others on the mezzanine waiting for Bobby to hand the chores. All of the eyes in the station feel like they are boring into him, judging what his next move is going to be.

Chimney looks at him first and Hen and Bobby’s ear prick at the question. “How is Buck after dinner with us the other day?”

Eddie closes his eyes and shakes his head, while Hen holding her tongue in between her teeth looks at Chimney. “He’s… how he’s been since he got home from the hospital,” Eddie says, gritting his teeth wanting to change the topic as he knows what thinking of home will do to him. “Not any better, not any worse.”

Bobby quickly finishes putting out cereals. With a sure authoritative energy, Bobby looks up, “Edwards and Watson, truck duty. Timothy and…” Bobby says but Eddie lets the sound float away from him until his name is spoken. His ears never get to hear the noise he's waiting for, as his mind offers how sad he had made Buck before he left. As everyone is leaving, Bobby walks in front of Eddie. “Diaz, a word in my office, “ Bobby whispers, gesturing to his room

Following Bobby, Eddie’s skin ripples with tingles, telling him to run, to flee. The short journey from the mezzanine to Bobby’s office seems too long, every step is pouring dread into him. Just as he’s about to cross the threshold, Eddie realises what this is, he’s a naughty boy that has been called to the principal’s office.

Walking to his side of the desk, Bobby with an outstretched arm points Eddie to sit down.

Standing up a little straighter, tensing his jaw and his chin jutting out, Eddie crosses his arms in front of him and spits out, “I’m fine standing.”

“Eddie, sit down!” Bobby commands, sitting down himself, waiting for Eddie to do the same. 

Looking at Bobby, for a few seconds full of defiance that is usually reserved for someone younger, Eddie sits down never taking his eyes off of him. As he sits down, Eddie rests his hand on his bouncing leg, digging his fingers into the meat of his thigh.

Clasping his hands together, Bobby takes a deep breath. “I tried fighting this off as much as I can. But… um… after what happened at the conference, I’m going to have to dock your wages this month,” Bobby says, trying to keep himself in check to soften the blow.

Dropping his jaw and widening his eyes, moving his head like he is waiting for the punchline, still looking at Bobby, Eddie covers his mouth. “Bobby… we’re already… I was barely going to make enough for rent this month and without full pay,” Eddie says, looking down while running his hands across his face. “You can’t do this to us. You can’t do this.”

“Eddie, his captain wanted you suspended without any pay for a full month. This was the best I could do, I am sorry,” Bobby says, letting his fatherly side of him take over as he reaches for Eddie’s wrist.

Eddie lets Bobby take his wrist for a second then he pulls away. “I’ve got to call Abuela and ask for money,” Eddie says, getting up and walking out of the room in stiff robotic-like movements.

With the world working against him, the bell rings and everyone hops into action, Eddie is about to do the same but his body makes his muscles unwilling then Bobby appears at his side.

“You’re not… stay here and talk to your grandmother and get your head into the right space and you can come out with us next call,” Bobby says, patting Eddie on the shoulder with a wrinkled smile then walking away.

In a hurry of a few seconds of movement, the station is left empty all apart from Eddie. The bareness of the firehouse leaves Eddie alone with his thoughts, he needs to make sure that he can be the man that both Buck and Chris deserve and need him to be, the man his father taught him to be for his family, the man he is just proving time and again that he isn’t.

* * *

Back at home, Buck wakes with a dry mouth and Chris’ arm thrown over his neck. Awareness comes to him slowly, Buck closes his eyes while licking the inside of his mouth, with cloudiness disappearing, Buck takes a deep breath and opens his eyes millimetre by millimetre. He takes another deep breath as Chris moves his hand, dragging it across Buck’s neck and to the mattress and his faculties begin to restore and with it, the usual weight in his stomach makes its existence known and all he wants to do is roll over and go back to sleep. Making a loud snore as he turns his head, Chris captures Buck’s attention and he knows what he has to do for Chris.

So against all compulsion, Buck rolls into a sitting position. Resting his elbows in his lap, Buck moves his head into his hands and takes a forcible swallow, pushing down the memories and feelings that want to keep him strapped to the bed. Looking up and out of the window, Buck grits his teeth and gets his crutches under his arms. Sitting, just holding the crutches Buck feels Chris roll over and take up his space. With thoughts of what Eddie did earlier, Buck ghosts his fingers across the burning mark he left then moves forward, getting up and beginning his routine of walking.

When he gets into the bathroom, Buck looks anywhere but the mirror. Taking care but using speed in equal measure he sits down on his shower chair, letting the too hot hot water fall across his skin. The all too there pricking sensation on his skin gives him everything he deserves; for getting angry at Maddie and Eddie, for being unable to feel when his consciousness disappears into the deep recess of his mind, leaving him a husk, and how the heat that reddens his skin is something real that he can feel and put a name to.

Letting all of his skin get wet, Buck picks up a washcloth and lathers his body. All too quickly, Buck ends up at his stump which he gives a fast casual stroke not wanting to look at the thing that stops Eddie from being them, then he moves onto the rest of his body, speeding up at wondering what will happen if he leaves Chris alone for too long.

Turning away, all done with the shower, Buck leans forward with his ribs digging into his thighs, he fiddles with the knobs to turn the shower off. Buck returns to his seat, his back against the glass and lays his hands in his lap, ceasing all function but taking a deep breath. Sucking in another deep breath, Buck reaches out of the shower and grabs for his crutches.

Finally, Buck feels the cold metal of his crutches against the warmth of his hands. Making a firm grip that won’t let anything spilt out of it, Buck manoeuvers himself out of the shower. As he adjusts himself to a more comfortable position, Buck feels the unheated air hit his warm, wet skin that makes him realise that there is no towel in this room.

Taking his tongue across his teeth, at the thought of being uncovered more than he needs to be, he feels a film sticking to them. Buck can’t remember the last time he had brushed his teeth. How can expect Eddie to accept him when he can’t even do the basics?

As he turns away from the sink, Buck catches his being in the mirror. His twin stares back at him, every rib visible, veins brightly blue contrasting against the ghostly colour of his skin. Beyond his understanding, Buck’s eyes travel downwards, the images that are being produced are flickering between what he knows to be real and what it could be and what he can feel. There are so many sensations running through his non-existent leg; cold, heat, the texture of the shower mat but most of all he can feel the pain that is always there but looking in the mirror it is always a little stronger. Pain that tells him his leg is still a part of him, that they are still under the truck and Buck wants to scream.

Quelling the sound in his throat, Buck looks up to the… stump, that alone makes his body react, feeling this burn in his stomach. Unable to help it, Buck reaches down and cups the end of it with one hand. Feeling the puckered skin and staring at his reflection, Buck can’t help but see the way that he is sure that Eddie sees him. How can he want Eddie to come anywhere near him when he looks like this, feels like this when he’s unable to add anything to their relationship?

Not wanting to stay in this wave of thought, sacred of where he might end up, Buck lets go of his residual limb. Buck feels his stomach beginning to drop, he can’t lose Eddie. As though he is being called to it, Buck twitches his fingers to his ring, he catches it between his forefinger and thumb. Holding it for a second at first, Buck twiddles his ring wanting, needing proof of Eddie used to, maybe can feel for him again, what he needs Eddie to feel for him again. The ring sends an emissary right to his heart, that gives him the peace that comes with letting Eddie love him, he always felt loved without question by Eddie unlike everyone else in his life, even Maddie.

Until he can’t stand it, Buck stares at himself then backs away. With his skin dry, Buck puts on his clothes, tucking the empty pants’ leg into the pants.

Doing his routine of walking, Buck goes back to the bedroom. Even with his whole body resisting, a small watery grin crosses Buck’s face as he sees Chris sprawled out like a starfish on his and Eddie’s queen-sized bed. Looking at the time, Buck shakes his head and carries on to stand by the bed.

Buck wakes Chris by stroking his hair, letting him wake slowly to the new feeling. Before he opens them, Chris scrunches his eyes closed for half a minute then opens his eyes to look at Buck. Watching as Chris bites his lip and tears make a well in his eyes. Buck reaches to cradle one side of Chris’ face. “What’s wrong?”

Chris looks at Buck for a second, then closes his again and this time he opens them with even more tears. “I miss Mom,” he whispers, so quiet that Buck has to strain to hear it, as a lone tear trails down his face.

Letting out a breath, Buck finds Chris’ eyes and holds them as much as it pains him. “That’s ok. Dad and me miss her sometimes too,” Buck says, nodding and reaching out to rub Chris’ face. “But you have me and Dad. I can call him if you want.”

“I want him here, “ Chris whines, pulling away from Buck and crawling at his wrist.

“Yeah, me too,” Buck says, a smile appearing and disappearing for a second. “But… he’s at work… for us. When he’s finished we’ll have him for two whole days, other people go to work every day but when Dad comes home, we get to have him twice as much.”

Chris gives Buck a jerk of a nod then flings himself into Buck’s arms. There is a place where he feels safe, the only place apart from Eddie’s arms since that day his mother had died.

“We’ll do something fun today and time will go so quickly that it’ll be bedtime without realising,” Buck tells Chris, pulling him off the bed and onto his crutches and the floor. “Your clothes are in the bathroom. Go on, get ready,” Buck says, patting him on the back, sending him on the way.

As soon as Chris has turned into the bathroom, the glint of plastic in the sun, shining through the window, Buck prosthesis catches his eye. Moving his jaw from side to side, he knows that when Eddie comes back home, he’s going to have to wear it; for so long and because of that Buck makes a decision, he’s going to wear it today during in the time it takes to do all of Isabel’s chores leaving him able to take it off once he’s in the house.

Not even getting out of his pants, Buck slides one of his hands in the leg of his pants and uses the other to guide the prosthesis to his residual limb. Once it is secure, Buck removes his hand and switches, using the other one to attach the straps to his hips.

Only a minute later, Chris calls out, “Buck, I need help.”

Shaking his head with a stretched smile, Buck uses his hands to push him off the bed. “I’m coming, Chris,” he says as he tests putting his weight on the new attachment to his body. Without the normal fluidity that comes with walking, that exists when heavy ‘sickness’ doesn’t exist in a body, Buck makes his way to his shouting child.

In a few minutes, Buck and Chris are in the kitchen, Chris is sitting at the table and Buck is at the counter, pouring a bowl of cereal for Chris. As he shuffles his weight, Buck has to stop pouring and dig one hand into the box and the other makes a fist, his nails digging into the palm of his hand. Slowly, unravelling the fist while gritting his jaw and wincing his eyes, Buck’s hand travels down to rub where his residual limb and prosthesis meet, sucking in a hidden gasp.

Moving his weight to his still intact leg, Buck returns to pouring the cereal. When he is finished he moves to pour the milk into the bowl. Placing the bowl in front of Chris, he begins to dig but stops and looks at Buck before he can sit down. “You need to eat, too,” Chris tells Buck, putting down his spoon.

Looking at Chris, Buck lets out a huff. “You Diazes are all the same. But you’re right,” Buck says, trying to smile but it doesn’t reach his eyes.

As quickly as he can, Buck makes his own cereal, the milk only bearing only a few sparse grains, then sits next to Chris. Each bit feels like a mouth full of sand and Buck wants to spit it out but for Chris, he tenses his jaw and forces a swallow.

Just getting through the bowl is enough for Buck to consider hiding in his room until Abuela comes but Chris needs an adult and since he had told him a few days ago, Buck hadn’t been able to keep Chris asking for more of his time out of his mind. Licking his bottom lip and dragging his teeth across the flesh, Buck lifts his head to watch Chris as he finishes eating.

A few parcels are left floating in the milk when Chris pushes the bowl away. With his hands free, Chris finds his way to cling to Buck, who returns the action by stroking his hair.

“It’s you, me and Dad, us against the world,” Buck whispers.

“Yeah… but…” Chris tries to say but the rest of the sentence gets stuck in his mouth.

“Do you want Dad’s dog tags?” Buck asks, resting his cheek on Chris’ head.

“Please,” Chris sniffles, laying all of his head against Buck’s chest.

“You need to let go, then,” Buck says goodnaturedly.

Slowly, while pouting Chris lets go and Buck stumbles his way to Chris’ room. The dog tags are easy to find, neatly placed on Chris’ bedside.

Walking behind Chris, Buck waits until Chris moves his backwards to see him then he places the chain over his head and on his neck.

“We’ve got a couple of hours until Abuela comes, let’s go play your game,” Buck says, gently pushing him off the chair.

Following behind, Buck lets him lead the way to the front room. The two of them flop down on the sofa and the console and the TV are turned on, letting Chris entertain himself while Buck finds a window to stare out of.

Tracking a bird that is flying past the window until he can’t anymore, Buck’s gut rumbles all the way up his oesophagus, edging around the back of his tongue, all he wants to do is have someone, Eddie, to hold him in the way he can’t remember being held since he had come home. All he feels now is the way he’d felt as a child, lonely and just wanting someone, anyone to reach out and give him what he wants. Knowing he can’t break down in front of Chris, Buck keeps staring out of the window and rubbing where the socket of the prosthesis meets his skin. With more of how he used to feel as a child encroaches on his mind, Buck runs his fingers along Chris’ ear, just above where his glasses rest.

In a couple of hours, Isabel walks into the house, unlocking the door. The sight that greets her is one she had quickly got used to when Eddie, after months of already knowing, had finally told her about him and Buck but this time, Eddie is missing. Chris is resting his head on Buck’s shoulder with Buck laying his head on top of Chris’, staring out of the window. Aware of how he’s been since the surgery, Isabel knows that he’s probably been doing this since he’s been in this room.

With a gulp, Buck notices Abuela standing just at the entrance of the room. “Hm…” Buck says, moving his head to look at her.

“Abuela!” Chris shouts, making Buck wince with the sound.

“Hello, mijos,” she says, smiling at him then Buck. “We’re going soon, so go to the toilet.” Doing as he’s told, Chris disappears into the bathroom. “Have you got your bags?” she asks, looking at Buck. 

“Yeah, Eddie packed them last night. I just need to go get my crutches,” Buck tells her, going off into the bedroom, returning with his crutches before Chris comes out of the bathroom.

When Chris is back with them, Buck places a backpack on Chris and uses the strap of his bag to put it on his shoulder, holding his crutches with one hand. As he walks the strap grates against his ever-growing prominent collarbone, making him take more deep breaths as he feels more uncomfortable in his own body.

It is only a short walk to her car, Buck opens the truck and places both his and Chris’ bag in. Then he helps Chris in the car, gritting his teeth as the prosthesis digs in and he has to push past the wall in his muscles.

As he starts to stand up, Chris grabs onto Buck’s sleeve. “Can you sit with me?” Chris asks, getting a silent nod as an answer.

Abuela locks the house then gets into the car, making it roar to life. As she pulls out of the driveway, Chris is in the back resting on Buck’s shoulder while he plays with the dog tags around his neck while Buck leans against the window with half-closed eyes.

* * *

Eddie has found himself sitting at the table, looking at his phone while his face makes a grin at a picture he had taken of Buck and Chris while they were making Christmas decorations. Taking his time, Eddie lowers his thumb over Chris’ face then Buck’s. Feeling so much of need to be the man that he is sure his family needs, Eddie tenses his jaw making the muscle pop out, and he knows that he has to be here no matter how much he wants to be home with Buck and Chris.

With his jaw locked, Eddie is still staring at the screen, when the ambulance and truck return to the station, pulling in with all of their loudness. Still just staring at the screen with his thumb hovering, Eddie doesn’t turn around to look at them. Eddie is still left alone for a few minutes with everyone restocking what they have used. Bobby comes up the stairs first giving Eddie a nod before he walks into his office, then Hen comes up, pouring herself a drink then taking off to somewhere else in the station, last Chimney comes up the stairs, taking a seat across from Eddie.

“Hey, man,” Chim says, wanting Eddie’s attention to do what Maddie asked him.

Eddie closes his phone, looking up at Chimney. “How was it?” Eddie asks, lifting his head and brow towards Chim.

“Nothing big,” Chim says, shrugging. “What about you?”

“I was just sitting here,” Eddie tells Chimney, playing nonchalantly.

“You know that’s not what I meant. C’mon this is for Maddie,” Chim says, wanting to get a real answer out of Eddie. “So how are you doing, ok?”

 _No._ “Yes, I’m ok,” Eddie says, moving his shoulders to his ear and giving Chimney a painful smile. “It’s only money stuff that’s all.”

“Ok. You know you can ask any of us, right?” Chim says.

Eddie laughs in a way that it hurts Chim's ears, “I’ve got to look after my family. That has to be on me, not anyone else.”

* * *

The vibrations work through Buck’s skull as the car continues on driving. On his shoulder, Chris is resting his head tucked into his neck. They have been like that ever since they got in the car, waiting for Abuela to get where she needs to be for her chores.

All of a sudden, Chris jumps forward to point out the window. “Buck, Buck. look,” Chris shouts, drawing Buck’s attention to the Ferris wheel with a Pacific Park sign.

Seeing just pure excitement from Chris that hasn’t really existed since his world got so much darker, Buck only takes barely a second to come to a decision that makes his stomach burn at the choice.

“Abuela, what do you have to do today? Is it a lot?” Buck asks in Spanish, leaning through the gap between the passenger and drives’ seats.

Taking a second, Isabel then answers, “yeah, it will be a bit. We won’t be home until three at the earliest.”

“Can you drop us near the pier, then?” Buck asks.

“Are you sure?” Isabel asks, she can see the hard-pressed lines on Buck’s face already.

Ignoring the way his chest feels tight and heavy, Buck looks to Chris then back to Abuela. “Yeah, I’m sure. He deserves to have some fun,” he tells her, wanting to keep a smile on Chris’ face for long as he can.

“Then, I’ll pull over here. I’ll be back around two, ok?” Isabel confirms as she pulls over to a stop.

Buck then helps Chris out of the car, walking stiffly as his prosthesis pinches his skin.

Leaning in through the window of the car, “goodbye, two right?” Buck says.

Abuela nods but as Buck begins to move out of the window, something she’s only felt a handful times before. “Buck, wait! Come here.”

Buck already knows the tone of voice she is using, humouring her he pokes his head through the window again, allowing her to make the sign of the cross on him. “See you later, Buck,” Abuela says, then waits until both of them have crossed the road before she drives off.

Chris’ face is decorated with a bright smile as he makes a beeline for the Ferris wheel. Powering through the tearing sensation on his residual limb, the black dog that follows him seems like it is a further distance with everything erupting from Chris warding it away.

In one of the pods of the Ferris wheel, Chris leans right up against the grates, even though the chance of anything happening is minuscule, Buck grabs the neck of his t-shirt. The sun is high and bright in the sky, the sea is a deep blue and the sky is a contrasting light blue, but any of the idyllic like quality is lost on Buck with all his mind able to appreciate is the many ways Chris could get hurt and how it would be all his fault and how Eddie will rightly put all of the blame on him.

Far too long for Buck and all too short for Chris, their pod reaches the ground and they get out. As his feet, one real and the other not, hit the ground the sea of nausea in his stomach makes another wave, all Buck wants to do is sit alone in a dark room with complete silence. As a gag tries to move up his mouth, Buck grits his teeth and follows Chris back to the pier.

“Can we go on that one? Chris asks, his eyes lighting up as he points to a rollercoaster.

“Of course,” Buck says, ruffling Chris’ hair then letting go. “C’mon then.”

As they reach the attendant, he directs them to the measuring guide. Chris’ head just barely reaches when he needs to, Chris makes a grin but then the attendant directs Buck to the tall limit line. As he walks up to the line, Buck wonders if he will be too tall like he usually is but this time he isn’t and the two of them get in the car.

Through the turns and loops, Buck doesn’t know how he manages the feat of not being sick. Eventually, the ride is over and still a bit dizzy, Buck and Chris stumble their way to a bench, the both of them are loudly laughing but Buck no matter how hard he tries he still feels hollow.

When the dizziness dissipates, Buck can hear Chris’ stomach rumble. “You hungry, then bud?” he asks, shifting from side to side trying to relieve some of the chafing. “What do you want to eat”

Chris looks ahead and points a blue stall.

“That’s not very healthy,” Buck says, starting to get up, already knowing that they’re going there.

“But Buck…” Chris whines, like any child.

“Fine. But you have to eat all your vegetables, Abuela gives you tonight,” Buck says, helping Chris off the bench and onto his crutches.

Feeling as though the ground is uneven under the foot of his, that doesn’t belong to him, Buck walks over to the seating area, walking at the same speed in step with Chris. Finding a table that is isolated from everyone, Buck sits Chris down with his phone.

“What do you want?” Buck asks, leaning on the table, moving his weight away from the lower half of his body, transferring all of his bearing onto the object.

“Cotton candy and popcorn,” Chris tells Buck, looking up from the phone.

“Anything to drink?” Buck asks, looking to the booth, making sure Chris will be in his eye line when he goes there.

“Yeah, chocolate milkshake,” Chris says, choosing a game to play. “What are you going to have?”

Buck stops to take a breath and then arranges his muscles to smile. “The same as you but a strawberry milkshake.”

“Ok,” Chris says, looking at Buck then back at Buck’s phone.

“Stay here. I’ll be as quick as I can,” Buck tells Chris, then leaves him to get their food.

Balancing the food and drink, Buck walks back to the table. As soon as Chris notices Buck is back, he puts down the phone and smiles at him, wide and toothy, his hands stretch out to the food, shaking with delight.

Feeling like an empty shell, Buck sits down beside Chris as he tucks into his food, Buck knows what he should feel like and around the edges of his mind; there is some sense of it but the black dog keeps barking it away. In front of him, Buck leaves his food as Chris ends up with some of his milkshake on his top lip and the end of his nose.

The sight of Chris almost makes Buck laugh, Eddie wouldn’t like missing this. “Let me take a photo for Dad,” Buck tells Chris, picking up his phone.

“You have to be in it, too,” Chris demands out of Buck.

“Um…” Buck doesn’t want to have to look at himself, to see the change for another time today. Why would the man, who won’t even hold his hand, want him on the phone? But Chris has always had Buck and Eddie wrapped around his little finger. “Sure,” he says, posing with Chris at his side.

The photo is sent off with a ping and Chris returns to his food, filing his stomach while Buck picks at his food, barely past the first layer of the popcorn or just having a testing bite of his cotton candy or reaching halfway through the milkshake.

Once Chris stops eating, Buck turns to him with a couple of hours left and asks him, “what do you want to do next?”

“The photo booth,” Chris shouts, the sugar already working.

“Ok, let's go,” Buck says, through clenched teeth.

Chris is sitting on Buck’s lap as the both of them pull faces for each photo. Copying each other, Buck is giving a normal smile while making Chris do the same as Buck wants to give Eddie at least one respectable picture. With the last one done, Buck helps Chris out of the booth and walks out, picking up the strip of photos.

Looking around, Chris’ head gets stuck on the next attraction he wants to go to, then he takes Buck’s hand and squeezes. At the new pressure, Buck looks down, running his teeth over his bottom lip.

“We’ve got another hour, so pick wisely. Where to next?” Buck asks, feeling all kinds of exhaustion running through his muscles.

“The water guns,” Chris tells Buck, running off to the booth.

As Chris chooses which gun he wants, Buck hands over the money. Able to, because of his prosthesis that digs into the crevice of his thigh with the strap rubbing against his hip, Buck couches down so that his head is flush above Chris’ shoulders.

“This for all the marbles,” Buck says, covering his hands over Chris’ while making sure that his voice is light and airy.

Turning to Buck, Chris furrows his eyebrows, looking like the spit of Eddie. “Buck…” Chris whispers, haziness in his voice.

“Yeah…?” Buck says, his head on Chris’ shoulder, into his ear.

“I don’t want the marbles. I want the bear,” Chris tells Buck like it’s the most important thing in the world.

A laugh comes out of Buck, but it hurts not belonging to his body. “No… um… It’s a figure of speech,” Buck says, as he helps Chris aim the gun.

Making it so that both he and Chris have control over the gun, Buck rests his chin on Chris’ shoulder looking where to go next, joining in looking around, Chris settles against Buck, letting him hold his weights he moves his motor control to the handles.

As the targets begin to pop up, Buck tells Chris, “aim over here. Shoot. Shoot.”  
  
Chris follows every instruction, flailing happily with every shot. As soon as it started this round is over. With the vendor turning around to get their reward, Chris gives Buck a high five, watching to make sure that the happiness he is feeling is reflected, like it always was before, in his forehead and eyebrows.

Wanting to get his reward as quick as he can, Chris turns to the stall again. All of a sudden, as he is looking out to sea, Buck sees a thundering stampede of navy blue move down the pier. Getting ever closer to the person that needs help, Buck can’t tear his eyes away. As the captain directs his subordinates what to do, the only thing passing Buck’s mind, is wanting to feel that rush of helping someone, wanting to be a part of something and even though the people only meters away from him are his brothers and sisters, why did what happened to him happened to him, when it could have been any one of them. With everything fading into the background, Buck can only hear and already knows what they are going to do next.

“..uk? Buck?” Chris calls out, Buck goes to turn towards Chris but stops halfway through the action to look back at the squad. “Buck!” This time Buck is taken out of his trance and looks down at Chris. “Are you ok?”

Giving a nod that with pain that can be seen in his squinted eyes and a stretched smile that quickly turns to grimace, Buck gives all his attention to Chris. “Yeah. The universe is playing tricks on me,” Buck says, smiling bitterly as he gets the bear for Chris. Looking back down at Chris, with the firefighters in his peripheral Buck makes a decision. “Let’s go feed the fish.”

As he walks with Chris, with the bear in hand to the stall that sells fish food, his prosthesis chafes deeper into the flesh of his stump. When he pays for the food, he has to close his eyes as the skin burns, so that Chris isn’t aware Buck tenses his jaw to hide his violent deep breaths, Taking one last deep breath, Buck opens his eyes, taking the paper bag and stuffing it into his pockets.

As quick as the both of them can manage, Chris and Buck find a bench. As though it is alive, the bear that been dubbed EJ for Eddie junior is sitting next to Buck holding onto Chris’ crutches, Buck is sat on the bench facing the pier, watching the world go by while holding onto Chris’ t-shirt like he had done earlier as he stands up, leaning over the railings to drop food in the sea.

With too many thoughts circling his mind, Buck looks to Chris squinting his eyes to hide them from the sun. “Do you ever think about what you wanna do with your life? What you wanna be when you grow up?” Buck asks, his brow crinkling as he tries to figure out what kind of person Chris will be in twelve years.

Taking a moment, Chris hums looking out to the sea then back to Buck, “Astronaut or pirate,” he says, with a true child-like happiness that Buck can’t imagine he ever felt.

“Good choices. Cool outfits too,” Buck says, wishing he could smile at the delight on Chris’ face.

“No, wait… firefighter” Chris beams at Buck with so much excitement that all his surroundings seem happier.

“Hm…” Buck says, nodding wishing that the world was less cruel, taking so much away from the only person who deserves it and much more. “Yeah, me too. But Chris… if those career paths don’t work out…” Buck whispers, not knowing how to have the next conversation.

“I know, Buck…” Chris whispers, just as low as Buck, heavy with the implication of already knowing his reality and an air that makes him seem so much older than Denny and Harry, more like he is only a few years younger than May,

“I wish you didn’t. I hope you find a job that you love, something you're good at, what makes you feel like you matter, that something you could do forever. ‘Cause when you do, it’s going to tell you who you are and show the rest of your life and that… is the best feeling. I’ll, we’ll, me and your Dad, will make sure that you get that but I hope you get to keep it,” Buck says, his jaw tight and his gut burning, wanting to keep his child away from all of the injustices that; having cerebral palsy, having the name Diaz, having a dead mother and two fathers will bring.

Chris turns all the way to Buck. cupping the left side of his face, “us against the world, kid,” he says.

On the other side of his words, Buck rests his head against Chris’ as the burn starts to temper and he knows that it won’t go away but it will drop below the surface for some time. 

Then out of the corner of his eye, Buck can see just sand where the sea was only a second ago. With a completely wrinkled brow, Buck pulls Chris’ hand off of him and gets up wincing at the rubbing on his residual limb, As he stands, he keeps a steady hand on Chris’ back. More people join, watching the disappearing of the sea and Buck’s face gains even more confusion.

Out of nowhere, a giant wall of blue appears and Buck drops his jaw, he remembers that day of training when he’d learnt about natural disasters. A few seconds of realisation makes Buck freeze and then his brow lifts and his nose flares. 

As calm as the water should be, Chris turns to Buck and asks, “where did all the water go?”

Not answering, Buck feels his heartbeat racing and hears pounding in his ears. In twitchy sudden movements, Buck looks at Chris then his stuff, back at Chris and then his eyes are stuck on Chris. In another series of sudden movements, ignoring the soreness in his residual limb, Buck throws Chris over his shoulder and begins to run, shouting, “get off the pier?”

The more he runs the more unstable the ground feels, he can’t carry on much longer but he needs to keep Chris safe, almost tripping Buck heard the eater crash into the pier. Breathing heavy and harsh, Buck can see a stall in the near distance and as his leg starts to give way under him, he tells himself he only needs to get there.

When he gets to the destination, Buck places Chris in the stall, tucking him under the counter while Chris begins to cry. Standing on the other side, Buck, with his mouth hanging open, looks to the top of the wave, his vision blurry with tears. As Chris’ whines get louder, Buck gives his attention back to Chris, needing to keep him safe and get into where Chris is, tucking him into his body, using what he has left of his bulk to surround the small child.

As he can hear the wave getting closer, Buck closes his eyes and rests his head on top of Chris’ burying his nose in his hair. As the crashing of the wave and the screaming gets louder, Buck pulls Chris into him even more, covering his ears and hiding his eyes. Buck braces himself for the inevitable...

* * *

**When sorrows come, they come not single spies**

**But in battalions.**

**_-Shakespeare_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you hate me yet?
> 
> It's my birthday! How was I allowed to get to twenty?
> 
> As always any Kudos and comments are appreciated.


	19. Time was his servant too; it would trap me, here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I nearly cried writing the ending of this chapter, so... have fun...

_Let me be your dreamboat_

_when you wanna sail away_

** _-John Cooper Clarke_ **

* * *

Crowding his arms around Chris, Buck can hear the blue giant march ever closer, slamming into structures, destroying everything stuck in its wake. The sheer mass makes a shadow overcast Buck, just outside of where they are hiding, all the bright sunlight is gone plunging them into darkness, holding a silence Buck grits his jaw, scrunching his eyes closed to keep the tears that would fall out of his body like a waterfall while holding onto Chris so hard; that it was like his child was encased in stone.

The second before the wave reaches them, Buck runs his tongue over his bottom lip as he knows the wave is there ready to swallow them whole. Then... it hits, pushing the wood of the stall in, throwing both Buck and Chris around like they weigh the same as a grain of rice. As above him and so below him, his left and his right become only water, Buck tries to hold onto Chris; battling against nature that is putting hands on Chris and pulling away.

Like any unstoppable force, the tide advances on, pushing back against Buck’s fingers trying to overextend them. Then one by one, each of his fingers pop off from Chris’ flesh. As the gap between creeps wider, he can feel Chris twitch trying with all of his might to claw on to any part of him.

With the water crashing against him, the only thing Buck feels is that his arms are empty, so unfull, barren and devoid of Chris. As the water assaulting his muscles, contorting his limbs into unnatural shapes, Buck can feel his prosthetic leg bending even more awkwardly, letting the plastic of the leg dig into his raw flesh, making his ability to swim even harder while he fights against the water as all is going round in his head is the need to keep Chris safe. Still under the strength of the tide, unable to fight against it, Buck has to take a breath but his lungs fill with water, making him cough and spit and transform the water as it begins to sound like Chris.

“Where did all the water go?”

“Where did all the water go?”

“Where did all the water go?”

* * *

Only forty minutes earlier, back at the station, the others are laying around after having to reach hysteria after one of the visiting cadets mentioned it being a ‘quiet day’. Bobby is office going over paperwork, Hen and Chim are sitting on the same sofa watching TV along with Eddie who is lounging on an armchair with his eyes half-closed, his body wanting to catch up on all the sleep he isn’t able to get at home.. Then in a flash of a second, they are thrown into action and wakefulness as the alarm blares through the station. 

This time everyone is in the firetruck, outside of their doors; Eddie, Bobby, Hen and Chimney put on their turnout gear.

Just before Eddie is about to hop in, Bobby looks to him with his mouth set in a firm line that has the corners turned up and the skin around his eyes are crinkled. “Do you want to drive?” he asks as he puts a foot on the foothold.

“I’m not… Buck. Driving isn’t going to make me feel better,” Eddie tells Bobby, stumbling over his lover’s name. All Eddie does afterwards is shake his head and get into the engine, following his lead Bobby gets into the truck too. As the driver pulls off, Bobby looks to Eddie through the rearview mirror and sees a steely resolve on his face that if Bobby lets himself have thoughts that scares him, how is he so self-contained? Bobby has only ever been allowed to see blimps of struggling to deal from Eddie and don’t have to be a genius to know that it would be god-like to be able to cope. Quickly, turning and twisting through the streets, the squad arrive at the scene and default to their training. Being the smallest of all of them, Chimney finds himself crawling inside the car and holding the passenger’s head, Hen is helping the others directing the bystanders and walking wounded away from the incident behind the cordon and applying first aid. Eddie and the more robust firefighters are now deconstructing the car to allow the passenger to get out, Bobby, like a wolf watching his pack, presides over all of them, keeping track of the situation.

* * *

When Athena woke up this morning, it was nice and calm as it is her first day off in the past month that hasn’t included a sick, whining and weirdly sticky child. Since she had got better, May has had open textbooks strewn across every flat surface, it had taken every effort that Athena had to convince May to leave her books to attend their standing nail appointment after Micheal had come to pick up Harry.

After she has finished her coffee and May has come out of the shower, the two had set off in her car to the nail salon.

Across town, Maddie is just beginning to wake, rubbing her eyes trying to remove any sleep in them. Turning over to her phone, she texts Buck, Chimney, Eddie and Josh. As the light streaming through the window hits her face, Maddie debates pulling the cover over her head but before she can do so, her phone shouts her late wake-up alarm. Groaning, Maddie rolls over and pads her way to the shower and gets out of it in a little under ten minutes, still racking through her day, Maddie decides that looking at her fridge is enough for breakfast.

A little over the speed limit, Maddie gets to work on time, greeting Josh as the two of them take the elevator up to their floor.

* * *

Back at the pier, the surge is no longer a giant but its heart is still beating the water, pushing with each contraction of the muscle.

High in the sky, the sun looks like a newborn baby watching its parents with awe. The only thing standing is the white metal of the Ferris wheel reflects the light against the rushing water.

Tossing and turning so much, Buck cannot tell what is up or down, his vision getting ever darker and the well known deep-seated weight in his muscles is making itself known as he tries to fight against the sheer force of the water. With each new hit, Buck’s prosthesis wacks against his stump, sending shockwaves through his entire body.

Another hit and Buck is flipped over.

And then another one.

And then another one.

Now, the only vision he has is little pinpricks, his lungs are burning and all he wants to do is breath. Stopping one more breath from being taken, Buck’s body explodes flailing in any way possible. As his mind fights against the calm starting to set in, he thinks of Chris. Then like a meerkat peeking up through the tunnels, Buck sees the shy sunlight dancing amongst the water.

Going to war with his body, Buck moves his hands, his leg and prosthetic leg to claw at the water. With his real leg, the one that he can trust to tell him the right sensations, Buck gains a little momentum to get his body to the air.

Finally, breaking through the waters, Buck takes a massive, gulping breath as his eyes begin to fill with tears.

He’s alive but where in this eldritch world is Chris?

* * *

It was a rather short scene that looked worse than it actually was. With delightfully sore muscles, Eddie walks back to the truck with the jaws of life to put it back.

Joining him, Chimney and Hen end up at his sides. The both of them sigh with their falling adrenaline. Then against his thigh, Eddie feels a buzz inside of his turnout gear. Fishing his phone out, Eddie sees a message from Buck, he’s still not used to them not talking every day, since they got together they had hardly spent more than a handful of hours apart (he still remembers the time when they were still a secret that Buck had jumped out of his window half-naked because their overslept and Chris was at the bedroom door, only for Buck to knock on the front door fifteen minutes later) and now in his while twenty-four hour shift Eddie is lucky to receive a few texts from Buck and even then it doesn’t feel like he’s actually talking to his Buck. As he unlocks his phone, a happy Chris and a listless but smiling Buck enters his vision, making Eddie unable to anything but smile and have his eyes burn, Chris had probably demanded some candy while Abuela is shopping.

Noticing his smile, Hen turns to Eddie and gives him a little nod. “How are they? Is Buck bucking up?” she asks, turning to face him.

Eddie looks up from his phone and with a firm hand, shows his phone to Chim and Hen. “I… don't know. But by now, Chris is coming down from a serious sugar high and Buck is regretting his life choices,” Eddie tells them, still with the bright enjoyment on his face that comes with showing his boys off.

The two of them look back at the phone then at Eddie and then wear the same kind of agreeable but disappointed smile when they realise that Buck’s smile doesn’t reach his eyes. His sadness is so foreign to them, Buck had always been the happy one.

Just a ways away, Bobby is looking at his feet wondering why the water hasn’t stopped yet. “Hey did someone leave a fire hydrant open?” Bobby asks, squinting his eyes against the sun, trying to look at every fire hydrant that is in the vicinity. All three of them look up at him, they hadn’t even taken any of the cadets with them and everybody else is too trained knowing Bobby’s standards too well, to leave a fire hydrant open that doesn’t to be.

As he is shaking his head, Eddie's phone buzzes but it is a weird pattern that demands his attention, so as Bobby looks away from them to the others, he looks down at his phone. Splayed across the screen is a warning and for the firefighters around him, a call to action and in him, a wave of calm makes waves in his stomach, both Buck, Chris and Abuela are safe far away from any water.

Taking a deep breath, Eddie looks back up with slightly wide eyes and calls out, “uh, Cap… Don’t think it’s a fire hydrant.” Flipping around his phone, so that Bobby can see it.

* * *

As soon as Maddie’s backside had met the fabric of the chair, she had got a call involving a snake and a badly timed sneeze. Most of her day so far, carries on like that, an average amount of calls until the time for her break appears.

Pulling off her headset, Maddie looks around the room trying to find Josh. When she does find him, he is on the left side as far away as he can be from her, Maddie carries on staring at him until he notices and looks up at her. Giving him a slight nod of her head and a smile, Maddie tries to get him to go to the staff room but few a seconds later Josh stares at her with a furrowed brow but eventually, Josh’s brow untightens and he smiles and nods back at her then takes himself off shift and his headset too.

Getting to the breakroom quicker, Josh puts the coffee machine on and leans against the counter, looking out to the rest of the centre. Somewhere between a stroll and a speed walk, Maddie makes her way to the breakroom to join Josh. As she steps into the room, Josh slides a mug over the counter to her, Maddie quickly picks it up needing a caffeine fix after skipping breakfast.

Josh allows her to take a sip. “You look a little better than you usually do… is Buck…” Josh says, letting all that comes with Buck’s name hang in the air.

“Thanks… I think,” Maddie says, arching an eyebrow and giving a little laugh that tails off into something bittersweet. “No, he’s not better. He’s Buck but he’s not Buck. Chim and me had dinner with them and he wasn’t blank… but sometimes that’s worse. We, me and Chim, after we ate with them went away, so that's why I look...nice. One of the others at the station had booked it but their wife got food poisoning.”

“Sounds nice,” Josh says, giving a humorous fake smile. “Where did you go?”

“Catalina Island and we stayed in this little villa that opened out onto a beach,” Maddie says, smiling into her mug. “It’s what I needed. I love my brother and I’d do anything for him but… yeah.” As she finishes she shakes her head and looks towards Josh.

Frowning for a second, Josh then brings back his smile. “C’mon then, show me the pictures. We’ve only got five minutes left,” Josh teases him, his smile getting wider.

Maddie whips out her phone, she then finds the album of pictures from the two days but swipes a few photos in before she shows them to Josh. Taking her phone off of her, Josh swipes through the rest of the album. 

“Did you even leave the villa?” At last, Josh stops on one and looks up at Maddie. “Jesus Christ, I need a boyfriend,” Josh says, like a petulant child.

Before Maddie can reply, a flurry of calls bombard the centre, they are so many that they cascade into each other never once stopping. Almost throwing down their mugs, Josh and Maddie return to their station, seeing splayed across the TV; news stories flooding in about a tsunami on the pier.

All that can enter Maddie’s head is trying not to be so very thankful that her brother is so turned inwards to make an adventure to the pier any time soon.

Only a few miles away and a couple of minutes earlier, Athena and May are sitting on cushioned chairs in a nail salon. Their feet are just resting in the bubbly slightly heated water, May is sitting leaning to one side ready to run out of the door as soon as she’s able, Athena is resting into her chair with her head tilted back and letting the technician do her job.

Slowly while taking a deep breath, Athena moves her head to look at Tammy. “I’mma not gonna lie, Tammy. I live for this, me and my baby girl being treated like the queens we are,” Athena says, enjoyment running wild through her voice.

Still May does not look back at her mother and continues in staring out the window. Sucking her teeth while she listens to Tammy too now, “ I don’t lie either. I like having two standing appointments every month.” Then the two of them have a little laugh that only mothers can share that leaves everyone else confused. When she finishes, Tammy turns to May, making her look at her. “I’m going to miss this one, when she goes off to college.”

Athena tries to get May out of her head but that only sends her further on, leading to a rant that doesn’t even let breaths be taken in between syllables.

Athena lets her have it then speaks to her, “don’t worry, baby. We’ll figure it out.”

The appointment ends a few minutes later, then the two women are driving in the car. The roads are rather quiet, leaving them room to focus on the words spoken earlier than the actual drive.

Taking her hand off the gear stick, Athena grabs for May’s hand and turns to look at her for just a second. But before she can look at May, all she can see is the moving hulk of grey- that should have stopped at the lights- coming towards the car with her and her daughter trapped inside. All Athena has time for is to take a deep breath.

The screeching of the two cars hitting one another sounds like war widow’s screaming, the grinding sounds like when the firefighters destroy metal in hope to save someone. But the impact takes the air out of them and the control from their bodies, throwing their heads around and limbs like an out of control toddler. As the fit carries on they are thrown in the opposite direction.

* * *

As the burn in his lungs begins to float away, Buck can feel his body moving with the little tremors rippling through the water but he doesn’t let the movement deter him from looking around. To his left all he can see is suspended trash, stuck in the strength of the wave, making the muscles pop out in his jaw he just continues on staring hoping to see that head of hair, those bright red glasses of the loud yellow, black and white striped t-shirt. With his head still stuck to the left, he sees a limp body that is a finger widths taller than Chris, he waits, watching but not even a twitch comes from the… corpse.

So against every instinct that comes from being a firefighter but completely in line with the ones that appeared in him one day, Buck isn’t sure when he had decided that Chris was his but he does remember that day he was out with just Eddie and Chris and as all of them were laughing in the sun he couldn’t imagine his life being any different and so needing it to always be like that, Buck looks to the right. All he can see on the right is the same as the left, but rows of trees decorated with lost clothing and the absence of Chris, so he takes another breath. It feels like just a second ago, Chris was in his arms and tightly wound with nothing but the sheer force of the surge would have been able to take Chris away from him.

Fighting against the wave, Buck swims to a tree and clings onto it, so hard that he can feel his fingertips starting to bleed. Now that Buck is still, his body lets him know that his face is burning, just above his eye and under it as the saltwater begins to dry on his face and that the chafing on his leg has gotten worse sending violent shockwaves through his body. But with Chris missing, his body doesn’t focus too long on the pain, sending it to the background as he starts to search again.

Then without any kind of warning, another giant of a wave takes over, ripping him away from the home he's just made around this tree as the water takes whatever is stuck in it. The water throws him about like he weighs nothing, his prosthetic is pulled the opposite way from him making him seize in pain, as quickly as it started the wave dies down and with every single twitch of movement a struggle Buck finds his way to the light. A second before his head pops out, Buck’s arms come out of the water first, grasping the air for something, anything that he can hold onto. Eventually, after just holding air Buck’s hand comes into contact with something it can hold, it is a long thick wire that Buck should be scared of electrocuting him but all his mind can do is hope that in a second he’ll see Chris again.

No idea where he is and knowing his body no longer has enough energy to keep on swimming, he lets all that feeling take over of having lost Chris, not knowing if Chris is still alive and what Eddie will do when he finds out what he has done. “Christopher! Chris,” Buck screams, wanting, needing to get an answer back. But Buck doesn’t get one, so he carries on, “ Chris! Christopher! Chris.” The only reply he gets back is the noises that the water produces.

Then only twenty-five meters away, Buck sees a flash of colour against the grey of the lamp post that it is attached to. It looks so much like Chris but Buck wonders if it is a mirage, he has convinced himself off. “Chris,” he screams again, knowing that it is futile. 

“Buck…” Buck hears a voice that sounds so like Chris and like a bat out of hell, he moves his head to the sound while his breathing becomes so thick and heavy and his eyes begin to fill with unshed tears.

When he sees Chris, the little boy, is clinging to the pole like a barnacle on the hull of a ship.

With the new information, Buck’s arms shake with every second of effort. “Christopher…” he shouts in an almost whisper-like quality. Buck doesn’t know who to thank that Chris is still alive.

“Buck! Buck!” Chris screams, his voice so loud and high that Buck can hear the redness in his throat.

No matter how much he doesn’t want to, Buck has to take his eyes away from Chris to survey the area and how he can get to him. Looking from each side and only seeing floating debris that will sink as soon as any weight is put on it, Buck makes a decision that every exhausted cell in his body rebels against. Letting a short sigh of relief over him for a few seconds, Buck then shouts over to Chris, “Chris! Just stay there. Wait for me!” Pushing off from where he is, Buck is unaided in the water again, all around in the water is destroyed buildings but all his mind can centre on is how he can see the force of tiredness running through Chris, raring to take over and let the water take him. Still swimming, with his leg digging into the meat of his thigh so much that he can feel his skin sloughing off as the plastic, with the same texture as sandpaper, rubs against his already tender and now wet skin and with each kick the joint is just a little stiffer than before.

A stray piece of wood knocks into Chris and for a second Chris’ hands let go but he does quickly clamp them back on. Chris’ muscles are so tired and all he wants to do is let go, everything hurts holding on for so long but he does hold on, resting his head against the pole watching, waiting for his Buck to come and get him.

The closer he gets to Chris, the more Buck’s tiredness disappears being replaced by pure, conquering energy, running through his veins wiping away anything that would hinder any iota of his ability to make sure that his and Eddie’s Chris is safe. Unable to beat the current, Buck ends up having to swim underwater just to gain some sort of semblance of leverage then with a little power Buck pops his head out of the water and has to orientate himself to find Chris again. Fighting against the current that won’t give up, Buck swims as close as he can to Chris. “Christopher! Grab my hand. Reach out. Grab my hand. Grab my hand,” Buck pleads, his voice cracking with effort as he holds his hands out.  
  
Their hands almost touch, only a hair’s breadth away making the two of them, a copy Michelangelo's painting on the Sistine chapel, father and son, The Creation of Adam. Just like a merciless god, the current pick up and cuts through any connection they could have made, taking Buck away from Chris. The water drags Buck’s left side into a floating surfboard, the thud of flesh and bone is lost in the water.

“I can’t hold on,” Chris screams, looking around for Buck.

Buck already knows how much effort this has been on Chris but there is a gap of more than a few meters between them and an angry sea that will do anything to separate them even further. “Please. Chris, hold on. Hold on,” Buck begs, he needs to keep Chris safe but how in the world is he going to get the safety of his arms around Chris again.

But all Chris does is scream, “Buck! Buck!” He just wants to feel the warmth of Buck’s arms around him again. Drained and hurting, Chris takes a heavy breath and an itchiness runs through his nerves and his body can’t help but concentrate on the feeling and he has to let go of the pole.

From the surfboard, Buck sees every terrifying moment pass in still frames and without being able to allow his mind to have any higher function he pushes off and like trying to tackle the opposite team Buck captures Chris in his arms like a basketball.

Using the gentleness, he couldn’t use until now Buck rests his and Chris’ foreheads together for a little while. With each inhale Buck’s body shakes and he closes his eyes, needing his brain to make space to think.

Crossing his arms around Chris’ back and directs Chris to make a hold over his neck then with the strength as a vice, Buck tries to look around for somewhere safe for the both of them. Seeking any kind warmth and look of the world being all too much, Chris follows his arms and buries his head into Buck’s neck.

Taking a sigh of relief, Buck lets the pure emotion take over and that sigh turns into a mixture of breathy, hyper sobbing as every single neuron his brain dances in delight, he has his very much alive child in arms. “I got you. I got you,” Buck whispers into Chris’ ear in between the fits of tears, taking a moment to rest his face next to Chris’. Now that he has Chris his mind has changed its focus to getting him somewhere safe.

The sound of the sea is deafening, it’s whole existence is destruction and consumption, feasting on everything in its path. If it wasn’t so very loud then maybe either one of them would have seen the drones flying high above them live-streaming back to a news channel. To the drone all they are but little coloured dots, barely visible against the vast, overwhelming blue that has dwarfed them to the size of ants. With the kind of humanity that can be expected from a machine, the drone moves on collecting more images of different ants underneath a magnifying glass and sunlight.

* * *

Taking as little time as possible, everyone returns to the station; replenishing the truck and Chimney and Hen break off from Eddie and Bobby to their ambulance. Before they pull out of the station, Bobby looks everyone over, committing to memory every single one of them, if the unthinkable happens and he has to go to their doorstep instead of them.  
When Bobby’s eyes fall on Eddie, he stays there for a couple of moments longer and it isn’t until Eddie gains even more of a military facade. Bobby wasn’t looking for calm and controlled, just an ability to deal with the impending tasks but he can’t deny that kind of demeanour is what he most needs from his people. Knowing a kind of family devastation, Bobby wonders whether it’ll be this job that’ll break the brittle dam, Eddie keeps to stop the stress getting to him.

Giving him a nod, Eddie follows Bobby’s instruction and gets into the cab of the truck. As he looks across from his seat, all Eddie can see is a green-faced kid where Buck should be and he is stuck between being so grateful that Buck is safe inland at his Abuela’s home, the house that had reared his father, with Chris and the both of them probably sat around the coffee table do a puzzle while Abuela cooks up a storm, Chris and Buck close together after being out for most of the day and wanting Buck to be across from him; the two of them a pair beginning the venture into the carnage that nature is waging, even before they were a them, he and Buck worked like a well-oiled machine.

Even with running on full lights, the experienced firefighters let the blaring siren fade into the background. Resting his head back against the headrest, Eddie watches the world go by, the further they go towards the tsunami the more dreary the world seems, the palms and sunlight becoming marred with things that make him feel that Eddie is looking at the mess in his son’s room. A few seconds later, the truck hits a bump making both Bobby and Eddie wince, they had driven on these roads so many times before that they know this bump hadn’t existed before today.

Without anyone being prepared enough, how can yourself prepare for this? They dismount after parking behind and next to so many fire engines that they cover the street in red, their bright colour almost painfully bright against, not for one moment letting them think of their jobs.

Getting out of the truck, Eddie follows Bobby on his look for the incident commander. When Chimney and Hen get out they await their orders and needing to have an idea of what it is actually like out there, the two climb to the top of the truck.

The sight that sets before them is one they knew would be absolute destruction but seeing it is different; Hen’s jaw is wide open as she crosses her arm over her body, Chimney's eyes and brows are raised into his forehead while his pupils are as wide as saucers.

Returning with a new addition, Bobby and Eddie too look out at the aftermath before them. Quickly. Chim and Heb getting off their perch, standing behind Bobby, Eddie and the incident commander. Getting all the gear that they need, all of them carry on walking, moving closer to hoards of boats and things that are buoyant waiting for occupants.

Watching their faces the commander speaks, “we’re commandeering anything that’ll float.”

All four of them nod and Bobby looks out to where the sea meets the grey shore then at the fire trucks. “I heard that there were four firehouses in the path of this thing,” Bobby says, clenching his jaw as he wonders just who won’t make it out of the other side of this thing.

“They’ve all checked in, apart from the one-thirty-six. So if you see any blue out there…” he tells Bobby as stop in front of a dinghy.

“We’ll holler,” Bobby confirms to him looking back to his squad, still after all this time noticing the missing face that towers above the rest of them. “One-one-eight, get in our boat.”

It only takes going a few meters into the sea when it becomes littered with all of the devastation that nature had deemed fit to initiate.

* * *

With a flick that hurts her neck, Athena worms her way out of unconsciousness and takes deep breaths that seem to not reach her lungs. Beside her, her baby girl is laid with her eyes closed and from the angle, she is at, she cannot see even a minute intake of breath.

“May! May, May!” She shouts, needing an answer from her firstborn.

Between a few seconds and an eternity, Athena sees May’s eyes blink and her chest move accommodating the massive breath she needs to take.

“Baby, you ok?” Athena asks, looking around to see their situation.

With a shaky hand, May touches a gash on her forehead and when her hands come away, looking at her hand she sees her fingers covered with sticky blood. Looking at her Mom she says with her voice cracking, “Yeah, I think so.”

The more she blinks out of unconsciousness, May feels how close the walls of the car are, so with all the might she can muster May tries to open the door but it won’t even budge a millimetre. “It won’t open. It won’t open. It’s stuck,” May tells her Mom, trying, again and again, to get the door open.

Reaching over, Athena puts her hand on May’s shoulder making a firm hold on her. Following the instruction, May stops and looks at her mother with her bottom lip jutting out. With the rest of her body, Athena reaches into the glove compartment and an object that Bobby gave her months ago.

“Where did you get that?” May asks as Athena holds onto it.

Looking back with a small smile, Athena then answers, “your step-father.” Then she turns to her window, using the sharp end she smashes the window open. As she is doing so she turns her hands back to May, telling her “shield your eyes.” May listens and covers her eyes with the crook of her elbow.

In an instant, the glass shatters with a loud crack. Not taking a minute of hesitation, Athena covers her forearm and wipes the remnant glass away. Next, she gets out of the car, someone around notices her and helps her out of the car as her way out is blocked by the other car that crashed into her.

Trailing behind, May gets out of the car too. Barely a second has passed before Athena assesses the damage, “LAPD,” Athena asserts, “is everyone ok?”

Now with an authority to look to, all of the other look and not wanting to get the blame for causing this devastation, they all clamour over each other. 

“He ran the light.” 

“No, she did.”

“Mine was green.”

But they only get a few brief moments of Athena’s attention then she notices the sound of crackling draws it away to the dented car that has a pole, throwing sparks into the air, strewn across it. With a calm but purposeful manner, Athena walks to get a better view. “Everyone, move to the side.”

Just as everyone has done what Athena has commanded, the sewer starts to burp, regurgitating all the water in their pipes. All of the crowd whispers of ‘what is happening?’

Now standing at her mother’s side, May pulls out her. “Mom, look,” May tells Athena, shoving her phone under her nose.

Ever since the wave had hit the pier, Maddie has received call after call, when one stopped another one would be in her ears. Just now, she is on call but the only thing that can be heard is silence, the woman on the other side is trying to find her way out of her flooding house. Taking her eyes off of her screen for a bit, Maddie looks at her TV screens watching the devastation take place, she knows that are people in the sheet of blue only because she can pick out a yellow dot contrasting against the water.

The more she thinks on it, Maddie can’t help but let her heart settle at the fact that her baby brother is probably in a dark room, alone stuck in his own brain. Even though he’s a strong swimmer now, Maddie can remember how difficult it was to teach him how to..

When crackles come through her headset, Maddie looks back at her screen while hearing “I did it. I’m safe.”

* * *

  
There is water in every single one of Buck and Chris’ orifices; their eyes are burning with the salt in the water, their mouths are dried out after they took in all that salt from being underwater, every sound is muffled because of the water stuck in their ears. All those negative sensations can’t even be noticed now that Buck and Chris are back together, a closeness between them that both of them need.

Now with only one free hand to swim and his prosthetic leg gouging into his flesh, so much that the salt from the sea is sending flashes through all of his body. Burying his nose into Chris’ hair, Buck just lets the water bob them up and down but slowly like the start of a fire, the current picks up just a little making Buck wince in thought and thrown into the need to act.

Rippy away, Buck pulls his nose away from Chris while holding him tighter against him. Looking up, Buck jerks his head around to look for something, anything that can take them to keep Chris out of the building wave, every second they’re still in the water he can feel the pushing against his body getting stronger.

Left all he can see are things floating in the water that will sink the second that any weight is placed on them. With a huff and tightening of his jaw Buck looks away.

Right, all he can see is buildings that are too tall for even him to reach the roof. Just as he’s about to look away, one wall collapses sending ripples across the water that quickly get lost among the current. Blinking away tears forming in his eyes, what is Eddie going to think? Holding onto Chris so hard that it hurts both of them a little, he tries to work out the tension in his jaw.

As his shoulders start to slump, Buck looks forward and his eyes are assaulted by the very thing that caused him and Chris to be here. Buck had always felt more at home in the truck than he ever had done before he was Eddie’s, but after the incident, he couldn’t believe how naive he was that he could have both a family, people that love him and a job that he loves. So against every single fibre in his body, Buck with an arm holding Chris in place just above the water he swims to the fire engine. With each stroke, Buck has to battle against the current with one arm doing all the work and a prosthetic leg that every push gets a little harder to contract and pull out. When he’s halfway there all Buck wants to do is give up to the water, the fire truck is so far away and he’s so sore and so exhausted but those feelings are quickly drowned out when Chris’ fingers dig into his neck.

Driving forward Buck swims again.

Arm up.

Arm down. 

Arm up.

Arm down.

Arm up.

Arm down.

All the effort Chris powers out of Buck gets himself and Chris to the firm metal of the firetruck. As his fingers move out of the water, Buck can’t help but want to laugh, the very thing that destroyed him is now going to save him and Chris, so at the end of the day, they’ll be back with Eddie. Taking as much care as he can Buck braces himself against the metal.

Letting a second pass, Buck checks the water that a surge isn’t coming to drag them away from each other. Hefting Chris off of him and up so he can climb, grip onto something with a push, that his body reflects with sending shockwaves from his stump through the rest of his body, Chris is on top of the truck, safe on the tonnes of its weight.

As his hands are about to pull his body up, Buck’s muscles have to maintain a more tense disposition as the water hits him over and over. Turning his head to the right, Buck sees so much stuff coming his way, not having enough time, he looks to Chris. “I’ll be up in a second,” Buck tells Chris as his heart tries to beat itself out of his chest with each word. 

Quickly, as the debris is moving ever closer, Buck drops himself underwater. Looking up, Buck tracks its movement by the shadow it casts. It is pain-staking every single millisecond Chris is out of his sight, allowing anything to happen to him.

Emerging into the world; wet and cold, Buck grabs onto the truck and pushes himself on it, so he is no longer in the water but as he does so only his torso gets onto the flat of the truck while his feet are resting on the handles of the cabinets. As he’s about to step up, his prosthetic leg locks, making him jerk and bang his stomach against the railing. Shaking out his leg, Buck then tries it again and finally, he ends up sitting next to Chris. 

His arms find their way around Chris, pulling him into his side and resting his head on his as his face contorts into a mixture of his first real smile in months and his eyes doused with tears. Now the gashes on Buck’s face burn, the middle of his forehead does as well with him remembering the brandish Eddie had left on his forehead. 

What Buck wouldn’t do to be back home in bed, waiting for Eddie to leave and come home from work. 

As he thinks back to that lesson and how the room smelt so strongly of bleach, so much that his nose felt like it was on fire, Buck is forced to remember that they are definitely more waves coming. Keeping one arm over Chris’ lap, Buck turns over onto his stomach laying down he puts his hand through the open window, fishing around as he remembers when Eddie used to talk about when it got really bad during his deployment.

“Aha!” Buck says, when he’s finally got his hands on the thing he is looking for. Then he moves back to sitting up. Gently, Buck moves Chris so that they are sitting across from one another then he rolls up his sleeve and with a shaky hand, he uncaps the permanent marker. It takes him seconds for the pen to meet Chris’ skin but when he does, Buck writes Eddie’s shield number and his phone number on Chris’ arm then on his other arm he writes the one-one-eight and Maddie’s phone number. After he has finished with Chris, Buck copies what he did on Chris’ arms on his own.

As he does it, all Buck wishes he and Chris were at home, he knows how Eddie gets when he is alone, right now he could lose both of them. He could never do that to Eddie, to Maddie, to any of his family. But Buck knows he can’t control the tsunami and if they do… die, he needs Eddie to know what happened to them. Stopping himself from letting his tears, Buck knows that Eddie will need to have their bodies.

Throwing the pen into the water, Buck returns to holding Chris and resting his head atop of Chris. As he settles into the hug, Chris reaches out to trace the scratches along Buck’s face.

“You good, Chris?” Buck asks, trying to make his voice as carefree as he can and cupping his hand over Chris then putting his hand down in his lap.

A giant smile that always looks right at home on Chris’ face, passes across it. “Yep, I took surfing lessons,” Chris shouts, still smiling,

Resting his forehead and smiling with Chris. “Yeah, well maybe you can teach me,” Buck says, closing his eyes and moving his cheek to rest on Chris’ and laugh. Everything is running through Buck, his chest is so tight that might burst, he doesn’t know where it’s from: is it from having Chris alive is his arms, that he might lose him any second or what is going to happen when Eddie finds out?

A few moments later, Buck kisses Chris’ head then looks up. “Alright, let me take a look,” Buck says with a slight tremor in his voice that he tries to hide as he leans over Chris and the side of the truck. “I’ll see what I’ll see.” For a couple of seconds, Buck looks around his jaw gets tighter with each passing fit of time, while he’s moving back Buck’s body shakes just a little, so it can’t be seen by Chris. “Looks like we’re stuck here, a little longer,” Buck tells Chris, pulling him back against him.

Looking up at him, Chris gives Buck another smile that could power all of the lights in Las Vegas. “We have a firetruck,” Chris babbles, moving more into Buck, as he settles into his warmth then being unable to fight anymore, Chris closes his eyes but his head falls a certain way that makes him immediately open his eyes and jerk with a snort.

“Yeah, we do,” Buck says, with inside of him feeling itchy he notices the way Chris had slurred his speech the same way he does when he sneaks into bed with Buck and Eddie in the middle of the night. As he pulls Chris into him even more, trying to shield him from any of the impending weather, Buck looks around for anything dry that could cover the both of them or just Chris. The two of Eddie’s boys are now puckered with goosebumps all over their skin as now the sun is starting to disappear and they are sitting in their soaking clothes.

Now sitting with Chris, all the energy he needed is starting to evaporate and Buck is starting to feel like he usually does and he is having a battle with himself to keep his eyes open. Out of nowhere, a scream pulls him out of the battle and something buried deep within him, that won’t ever let him, makes him bolt up and look around from where he is to find the source of the distress. Chris has joined Buck in his looking around, then spots a pink waving arm, so he grabs onto Buck’s arm and points out to the gesturing woman.

Unable to ignore instinct, Buck moves so that he is sat either side of Chris and rests their foreheads together, as he does so Buck wants to wince the prosthetic leg is burning his skin that is broken. Holding Chris’ head, Buck makes Chris look up at him, so that the two of them are sharing eye contact. “Chris, I need you to sit right here. You promise me,” Buck tells Chris, slowly letting go of him and looking over his head to try to find the woman again. “This is serious, Chris. No tricks, ok,” Buck tells him, well aware that Chris does some underhanded things if given a little leeway.

“Ok,” Chris says to Buck, removing his hands and nodding.

Looking back at Chris, Buck gives him a nod too. Using too much of his little time, Buck shuffles to the edge of the truck and with one last look at Chris, Buck is about to throw his trembling body in the water when he sees the white ladder of the firetruck. Like a horse, he kicks down the ladder and with hose twirled around his arm he stumbles his way over to the car. While walking over the ladder, Buck has to drop lower as the knee joint of his prosthetic leg buckles under him as quick as he can Buck pull himself together and marches across to the car.

As he manoeuvres himself into the water, the woman carries on crying for help and she has now been joined in chorus by a man crying out for help. As he starts to swim past, he looks at the man, “I know. I’ll come back for, I promise,” he says, giving the man as much eye contact as he can while trying to hide the discomfort ripping through him starting from where his stump and prosthetic meet.

The current battles against every muscle in Buck, especially with his prosthetic needing extra effort to make the hinge joint work. Swimming out to as far as the hose will allow him, for a second Buck thinks about swimming out to the woman but another wave of pain wiggles through every crook and crevice of his body. As he is tying the hose to the tree, Buck calls out, “you need to let go. Swim to me. Ok?” Stopping to look straight at her, Buck remembers his training of how to coax a person into helping themselves and squaring his jaw, putting a confident glaze on himself that isn’t coming from inside of him. “You can do this,” Buck tells her, stretching out one arm and with the other anchoring himself to the tree.

As the woman starts to swim towards him in a panicked mix of a doggy paddle and a breaststroke, BUck looks back at Chris, who is still clinging onto the railing but the tips of his fingers are starting to earn the colour blue to them. Just a second later, Buck looks out to the woman. “You’re doing great,” Buck says, reaching to capture her hands in his, “I got you. I’m right here, ok. You’re doing so good,” Buck says, using the same voice that he does for Chris when his world seems a little darker, as his hands finally hold her. Taking her hand, Buck gives a firm authoritative nod as that rush he hasn’t had in months fuels him and then he puts her hand on the hose, “ stick to it. Follow it back to the engine then get on it, ok.” Buck looks at her, waiting for the blank expression to be replaced by some kind of understanding, eventually, she does as she’s told, getting closer to the truck.

Squinting his eyes, Buck forces down what his prosthetic leg is creating, he then moves to the man doing the same thing for him as he did for the woman. Following behind, Buck makes his way back to the truck, as he is getting back on his right arm shakes with the effort of lifting his weight, the new weight that makes him look like a skeleton with skin stretched across but as fast as he can Buck forces his body to get on the truck.

Buck quickly finds himself holding Chris against him, trying to warm him up as much as he can by rubbing his hands up and down his sides. With even more water in his clothes, Buck feels his wet clothes against him, every second Buck tries to hide the shivers running through him. All of Buck’s mind is occupied half by the primal instinct of wanting to keep his child safe and the other half wanting him to allow the pain to take over, not only from his leg but each contraction of his muscles from the cold hurts but Buck is almost used to this part of his existence.

Needing to take his mind off his own body, Buck picks up Chris’ fingers and looks at them, their edges are still tinged with blue and Buck can feel Chris sleeping and trying to wake up again, as all of his training kick into even higher gear, Buck pulls Chris’ head out of his side and tells him, ”let’s play I, spy, ” hoping it is enough to keep the cold out of Chris’ mind.

* * *

Even after all this time, Eddie still feels suffocated in his full gear but today he feels so hot that he can feel the sweat dripping down his back.

The squad only spends a few minutes touring the water to see the destruction that nature had left behind before they are called to a woman that needs help. A little inhale is shared between all four of them, they had already seen so many floating chunks of flesh that were only living breathing humans with full lives just this morning. 

“Please. Please, quick they need you,” she shouts as they pull in to dock next to her boat.  
As fast as they can they board her boat, Chimney goes to check the bleeding officiant while Hen, Eddie and Bobby are given viewing to the woman’s husband and son. Without thinking all of them flitter into action, Hen tries to assess the injuries, Eddie awaits for her lead and Bobby’s instruction while Bobby goes to check on all of his people.

As he helps, Eddie can’t help turn his thoughts back to Buck as with the woman right next to him cries and coos for her family. He can remember the absolute pure paralysing despair that comes with watching the very essence of life start to darken out of your lover’s eyes. A little still pool of water settles in Eddie’s stomach, right now Buck and Chris are probably asleep on the sofa in front of the TV after being stuffed with food from Abuela.

* * *

Just as Buck is about to announce his first letter, Chris grabs his wrist and makes it point. “Buck, look,” Chris tells him.

When Buck does look, he sees a family that is too big for their raft coming towards the firetruck. Allowing himself to be won over by blue training, “watch him,” Buck says to the woman he had just rescued. Burying all that wants to rebel, Buck leans over the edge of the truck, letting it dig into his ribs. With every effort in the world, Buck helps all the people that are there to get on the flat of the truck.

Gently, with all his muscles tender and his whole body aching the same way it did when he woke up from the surgery, he sinks next to Chris letting him take up space on his body. Not wanting Chris to get anywhere close to closing his eyes, Buck leans his head on Chris and says, “I spy, with my little eye, something that moves people around.”

Before he looks out to the sea, Chris watches Buck’s face then he sees just things floating in the water but then he squints. “Ok, um… I know a scooter,” Chris says, smiling at winning like he always does with Buck and Eddie.

“Yeah, nice one. Ok, genius, your turn,” Buck tells Chris, as he chooses what he’s going to make Buck spy, Buck closes his eyes and tightens his jaw as the pain in his leg is slowly transforming into a crushing sensation.

“I spy with my little eye, a shopping cart,” Chris shouts, his voice dripping with uncontainable and uncomfortable excitement while looking up to Buck with wide eyes.

“No, c’mon man, that’s not how the game works. You can’t just yell stuff out,” Buck tells Chris, starting to feel a little spot of laughter ripple out of him.

“But yelling stuff out is the best part,” Chris shouts again, smiling all the while Buck starts to do the same thing, he hadn’t been able to manage in months.

The two of them continue on laughing for a little. Eventually, Buck rests his cheek on Chris’ forehead for a beat of time then he pulls away so that they are looking at each other. “You amaze me, buddy,” Buck says with a watery smile and his eyes a little glazed.

“Why?” Chris asks, his eyes a little closed as blinks a couple more times than usual.

“You’re just you,” Buck says cupping Chris’ face, “the best kid out there. I’m lucky to have you. Here you are with the best smile and busting a gut. You never gave up. When that water was rushing over you, you just kept swimming,” he says, running his thumbs over Chris’ cheekbones; realising, relishing in how lucky he is that he gets to call Christopher Diaz his son.

“Like Dory?” Chris asks, his blinks starting to get slower.

Letting go of his face, Buck ruffles his hand through Chris’ hair. “Yeah, like Dory,” Buck agrees, the grin on his face getting wider. “Not just today but every day. You’ve never once complained.” 

Chris cuts off Buck, “I complained once but Abuelo says that Diazes don’t complain, so I just kept swimming,” Chris says, moving back to rest his head on Buck’s shoulder.

Buck is about to speak again when he sees the bodies of a man and a little boy, all that crosses Buck’s mind is that Chris has already known too much death for his age. In an instant, not listening to his body’s complaints, Buck picks up Chris and moves him so his back is facing the water while smiling at him and resting their foreheads together. As he tracks the bodies, Buck holds Chris’ head to stop it from turning around. Even with his face itching from the water in his cuts all he can think about is Chris, making sure his face is the centre of Chris’ view, “I spy something up there,” Buck tells Chris, trying to keep the soreness out of his voice.

When the bodies are out of their eye line, Buck moves Chris back into his arms and tries to keep the shudders out of his body. As his arms get tighter around Chris, Buck rests his head on Chris. “I don't know what I’m going to tell your father. We go out for a few hours and look what happens,” Buck whispers, his voice becoming bittersweet.

“You saved me. And you saved them. And… and Dad won’t care, ‘cause he loves you,” Chris tells Buck, clinging to him as the words get lost in Buck’s chest.

“He loves you, too. We did this together, me and you make a great team. High five, I’m proud of you,” Buck says, kissing the top of his head and following through on the high five.

The second their hands pull back from each other, the current picks up rocking the firetruck. Then a scream echoes around the truck after that the sound of a pebble falling into water follows.

Again running on trained impulse, Buck leans against the truck, throwing his arms around in the water to get the person back. With his heart beating so hard in his ears and wanting to hold Buck, the way he can’t hold on to his Mom anymore, Chris grabs on Buck’s real foot.

As Buck makes contact with the person, just as he’s about to pull him up, the surge makes it known through full force throwing the truck like it’s a toy, that is on Chris' bedroom floor. And then as a pair, Buck and Chris fall into the freezing water.

When Buck tries to take a breath, all that enters his mouth is water. In his head, he can see his twin stuck in the mirror with his eyes softened with a hidden glint in them and his mouth is turned into a gentle smile that is curled around the edges and Buck can hear ‘if you gave in, you wouldn’t have to see me anymore, you wouldn’t have to feel the way you do anymore’’ and no matter how much he knows that he shouldn’t listen to this doppelganger Buck doesn’t make him go away then slowly the smile stretches into a grin and that glint in his eyes gets bigger and darker ‘And if you’re gone, Eddie can find someone...better, someone who can give him what he wants, what he deserves. Some he can touch.’ The more he gives in to the feeling, Buck is grateful for how much he got from Eddie. With his arms empty, Buck is alone again the same way he was as a child and with his vision starting to blackout, all his mind can provide is how much better Eddie and Chris would be remembering him like this before he ruins them, how they’ll no longer have to deal with all his hurt that he can’t contain. As more of his vision starts to disappear, Buck remembers their valentine’s date, Christmas, the proposal and just the way Eddie smells. Buck knows this is better to leave them with his love, all the love he can give, so he doesn’t hurt them anymore.

The more he becomes okay with being a ghost, not taking arms against the invaders in his lungs, the water pushes Buck, lifeless and greying, to rest atop of the wave. With his head and hands just poking out of the water, Buck breaths shallow out his chest barely moves and his eyes start to earn a glazed lifeless look to them, stronger than when he is trapped in his own mind. 

The surge had caused a florist to have the flowers stolen from it, the current powered by mother nature had taken some flowers to gather around Buck. At his hips are bouquets of gerberas and gladioli, Buck’s thoughts starting to provide fertile soil for them and what they intend to do, following the wave they’re beginning to move up his sides getting closer to his ribs and the organ they encase. 

On the right side of his head, Daisies have bloomed taken root Buck’s mind using his family as sustenance; Maddie, Bobby, Athena, Hen, Chimney, Eddie, Chris and so many others cross his mind and he can’t help but thank them every while hoping that they won’t be too sad.

The left side had given bloom to lavender the roots tangling around his feelings for Eddie and Chris, he hopes that they know this is for them. Giving into nothingness is an act of love, allowing himself to be convinced by the creature in the mirror, to save Eddie from Eddie, his dutifulness and Buck.

* * *

_ I love thee with the breath, _

_ Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose, _

_ I shall but love thee better after death. _

_ - **Elizabeth Barrett Browning** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [For the full effect of the last couple of paragraphs view the picture on this link](https://www.tate.org.uk/art/artworks/millais-ophelia-n01506)
> 
> Flower meanings:  
> Daisies are for family.  
> Lavender are for devotion but they are also the flower that sounds most like Evan.  
> Gladioli are funeral flowers and mean strength of character  
> Gerberas are for joy but I mean joy in the same way as this Hamlet quote: With mirth in funeral and with dirge in marriage
> 
> So about the timeline being little fucked but I watched the episode for this and next chapter and timelines are a little fucked too.
> 
> Sorry about this being late, a girl got watchdogs legion and she got real bad time management skills.
> 
> Fun notes from my planning:  
> Firefighter lizard brain kicks in
> 
> [ Me turning up to you guys comments](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rnw-TRbTng8&ab_channel=yvestheestallion)


	20. Life, although it may only be an accumulation of anguish, is dear to me, and I will defend it.

**Out of the night that covers me,**

**Black as the pit from pole to pole,**

**I thank whatever gods may be**

**For my unconquerable soul.**

**- _William Ernest Henley_**

* * *

Letting her brain switch to on the job, Athena shouts a little louder and makes sweeping gestures to direct the crowd to safety. No matter how much her brain has gone into work mode May is still here and that just makes her hand clammy.

When they are on the sidewalk, Athena with May trailing behind walks closer to the crowd. The second she gets within hearing distance of them and she is no longer giving any instruction they erupt again.

“Miss, you said you were a cop. So why can’t you take a report,” one man says, his voice starting to simmer as he juts his chin forward in Athena direction.

Just the sound of his voice makes Athena tense her jaw and her eyes roll so far back into her head that she can see her brain. “Sir, do I look like I’m duty,” Athena says, trying to keep the curtness out of her voice, so he doesn’t grow to an even bigger state. When she finishes speaking Athena presses his lips together and waits for his reaction.

Allowing annoyance to colour every sound of his speech the man speaks again, “Can you get someone who is?”

Shaking her head, Athena reaches out to a man next to her struggling walking. She grabs around his waist pulling him up and lets him put his weight on her. “You’re nearly there, c’mon. You’re ok,” Athena whispers, turning her head away from the man who keeps vying for her attention and sighing under her breath.

Eventually, he shouts loud and booming like someone has just struck a symbol, “Her insurance needs to pay for this.” Pointing to the woman next to him with an unyielding long accusing finger that won’t back down.

Instead of turning around, Athena keeps looking towards the man clinging onto her arms and his body shaking like a leaf. “That’s it, just a couple of steps now,” She whispers in a placating tone while her nose has crinkled up as the loud man makes deliberate heavy breaths for attention.

The woman that the man had just accused makes an aghast noise with creases deeping on her brow. “What are you talking about?” she asks, finding herself after his imposed confusion.

“You rear-ended me,” the man shouts at her, like she’s an idiot, baring his teeth looking like the big, bad wolf.

“It was a pile-up,” the woman tries to shout back with the same tone but the sound that comes from her is more red riding hood.

Finally, after taking it slowly one tortoise speed step at a time, Athena and the other man get to the sidewalk then she places him down so he can sit. Moving back to a posture that is firm, commanding and demands deference, “People! People! There’s some real trouble at the beach. Y’all waiting for help to come, it’s already here- and _it’s us!_ ” Athena tells them, needing to restore some kind of order. While everyone is listening to her, none of them notice that the water spewing out of the drains is getting bigger, the water overtaking the cement.

* * *

The water never stops lapping at all of Buck’s exposed flesh. 

The salt in it stripping him of all that needs to stay alive.

All pink and puckered, Buck almost looks like a newborn, brimming with life and potential, but his eyes are open cloudier than just before a store and where air should be in his body is water conquering all land that it can, putting the last kind of sleep in his veins.

* * *

“They’re skewered together through the shoulder to the abdomen to the bottom of the boat,” Hen tells Bobby and Eddie with her brow furrowing as much as it can and her voice gaining a faraway quality as she wonders how this is even possible. With wide eyes and a creased brow still on her face, Hen looks to her Captain for any inkling of what to do next.

“And this boat is taking on water,” Bobby says matter of factly straightening his posture, lifting his head and getting his thoughts in order.

“We need a plan, Captain and we need it fast,” Eddie says, hunching over the two men knowing the time frame to act on extensive impalement injuries.

Just a beat of time passes, while Bobby’s head moves with a stream of thought, jumping from one to the other as each plan falls through at the crucial step. Beaming through the windows, light hits every surface on the boat, highlighting in all it’s bloody glory the injuries sustained by the two men laid before them.

With his fingers and no sound, Bobby summons Hen outside of the boat. As the life jacket restricts their movement, Hen bounces up the stairs while rolling with the boat.

“Normally, we’d travel them both with object intact and let the ER sort it out,” Hen tells Bobby crossing her arms from her perch on the stairs to the interior of the boat.

“Except, with a radio station antenna and a boat we need to separate them. Can we do that?” Bobby asks but with the strong eye contact and the tone in his voice makes it sound like it’s not a question.

Hen takes a deep breath and closes her eyes, needing the oxygen to reach out every part of her body. “It seems to have missed the kids’ heart and lungs, I’m not sure about the stepdad. He’s got about half a dozen organs it could have hit. So as long as both pieces stay in him, maybe?” Hen says wringing her hand with uncertainty free range in her voice

“Well, that’s not a no,” Bobby says, nodding.

Following Bobby’s new outlook, Hen walks back into the boat.

Without any of his squad, Eddie is sitting listening to the couple while he does everything he can to keep the two men alive.

“Adele, please,” the newly married man begs.

With a wobble in her voice she answers back, “No, I’m not leaving you. Either of you.”

“Whatever happened to love, honour and obey?” he asks as his breaths get shallower with his adrenaline wearing off. The more Eddie hears them he is reminded of his Buck, who would do anything in the world for him and Chris even if it destroyed him.

As Eddie is opening the gauze packet, it takes everything in him not to be back all those months ago on the cold, hard ground, holding Buck’s hand as he cried out in pain. Holding Buck’s hand; wishing it was him under the truck, he’s the one out of them who could take it and he’s the man that should be looking out for his family, the barrier between them and the world. No matter how much he fights against it when he’s on the job he needs to be here, that easily recognisable weight settles in his stomach and he can’t help but be grateful that his boys are miles away from all of this. Miles away from this safe from all this mess.

Taking the tape between his teeth, her boy begins to speak. “It’s ok, Mom. Just go.”

Stepping into the boat again, Bobby realises that there is barely enough room for him and all the equipment they need.. “He’s right, Ma’am. Best thing to do now is just let us work,” Bobby says, making his tone soft but firm pairing it eye contact.

Pausing for a second she looks up to Bobby then back down at her husband and her son. “I love you both so much,” she says, the wobble in her voice taking up more space.

As he helps the woman to stand up, Eddie can’t imagine being away from his son and his fiance if they were both in danger. Even if it was better for them, Eddie knows he would be still sitting with them, barking orders and shouting at his friends to get them out and save them. He would do all he can, like he had been taught, to make sure they’ll come out of this. After learning about how Buck felt as a child, every single cell within him wants to double down on being the kind of man his family needs him to be, who he was taught to be.

Looking to Bobby for his next instruction, Eddie, with his brain numb and his heart in his stomach, watches him kneel down; on his face are hard-pressed lines that seem to get deeper while he takes a deep breath. Pulling at the knees of his pants, Bobby looks to the two men, “Ok, we have a plan,” he says, making his voice full of certainty until he is cut off.

“Only one plan,” the man says, his speech punctuated with coughing. “You save this kid.”

Quickly, while making a startled noise the son speaks up, “What? No, Chuck. You’re already insufferable. Don’t be insufferable and magnanimous. I can’t take it.”

“She is the love of my life,” the man says with a pleasant expression looking past his new stepson to Bobby, Hen and Eddie, “but he is the love of hers.”

Like they are trained to, they all work in quick succession getting the top of the antenna away from the two men, giving all of them some space to work.

As Chimney is pulling the antenna out from the top of the boat, Bobby turns to Eddie and Hen. “Hen, Eddie. I need you to lift him up. And Jason, if you can get on your knees at all, I need you to try,” Bobby says, tensing his jaw and letting his authority run wild in his voice. “Turn your head away,” he commands as he sets to work, using the saw to take the two apart.

Eddie keeps his eyes stuck on both of them, not letting the way the younger man screams in pain transform into Buck doing the same thing. He can still remember; the smell of Buck’s blood hanging in the air, how quick Buck got ghostly pale, the way that Buck’s screams started off loud and unignorable to barely existing that Eddie had to strain to hear.

Then unlike that night, the night that changed everything, the man is quickly freed, moaning and grunting as he is taken away and put on a backboard, still very much aware of the world.

Now with more space, Hen gets in beside the man and checks him. “Abodmen’s distended and warm. I’m pretty sure his spleen is ruptured. He’ll probably lose too much blood, if we pull him off this,” Hen says, looking to Eddie and Bobby for a little less than a second then back to the man.

Clenching his jaw, Bobby racks his head for how to free the man without him ending up just another corpse. Looking out the window for a second, seeing a little boat sail past the window his eyes light up, “I’ll have to cut from underneath,” Bobby says, even his voice sounds a bit mystified at what he just said.

Scrunching up his face, Eddie looks at Bobby thinking that this is why he and Buck get along so well because this is exactly the kind stunt he would think up, like it’s a good idea. “Underneath what?” he asks.

“The boat,” he answers before getting on his feet and walking above deck. Having overhead Bobby the others on the dinghy quickly begin to prepare the diving equipment. Out in front of him is each individual piece of equipment, starting from the bottom he puts on the gear. After shimmying into the gear, Bobby jumps off the boat into the water then holds onto the back end. Then Bobby is half in the water with an oxygen tank on his back, waiting for the others on the boat to do what they need to their end.

Looking down at Bobby then out the water, Chim tries to lighten the atmosphere. “I always did love Jacques Cousteau as a kid,” he says, smiling at Bobby.

“You and me, both,” Bobby says with a smile that makes his eyes bright and then puts on his diving mask. When he’s finished securing it, Bobby looks up to Chimney who makes an ok sign then gives him a thumbs up and falls back into the water, making a splash that is gone a moment later.

Jumping from their boat to the other one, Chimney pokes his head through the doorway announcing, “Cap’s in the water.”

Using the hull of the ship for guidance, Bobby swims around the boat but as he’s doing so the resistance in the water picks up.

Turning on his radio, Bobby speaks into it, “Chim, are you seeing this?”

That question makes Chim look out to sea, witnessing rushing water coming and rising among the buildings. Looking back into the doorway, Chimney shouts, “We got another surge.”

As the water begins to enter the boat, it quickly comes up to the man’s ears. “This is a problem,” Hen says after Eddie has to lift up the man’s head to stop from being encased by the water.

* * *

“Check on your neighbour. See if anyone needs help. We all we got right now,” Athena says, gritting her jaw while looking straight at the man who keeps demanding her attention.

Letting him not get a word in, Athena runs from car to car, peering in through the windows to check if everyone is out of their cars.

Moving to the next car, an alarm wails in the distance, dirtying the air with loud noise that makes any kind of thinking all that much more harder. Passing a few more cars, Athena finally looks into a window and she sees a woman sitting in the car. The woman could be sitting in her car waiting for this to end but her neck, face and hands are stained with blood. Following up from her hands she’s that the sleeves have shifted up and the blood is up to her elbows.

As fast as she can, Athena runs to the driver's side. ”Hey, ” she says, taking the shakiness out of her voice and replacing it with a kind of comfort blanket. ”What’s your name?”

”Vicky, ” she answers, looking like a frightened cat, jumping a bit at what seems like Athena’s sudden appearance.

”Alright, Alright. Let's get you out of here. Can you move?” Athena says furrowing her brow, preparing to help Vicky walk back to safety.

”Yeah, just not out of here, ” she answers, her lips shaking and her mouth making a bittersweet laugh that she can't commit to. ”My leg is pinned. I don't know how much longer I can keep pressure on this, ” Vicky says as pulls the covering away so that Athena can see the wound, her hand shakes with the effort.

”Ok. Ok. Ok. The blood’s not pumping out of the wound, ” Athena says, vaguely remembering Bobby and his kids talking about how much arterial injuries bleed. Gently, she puts her hand around Vicky’s and places it back on the gash on her neck. ”I think that's a good thing. Just hold it there, another second.”

Popping out from the interior of the car, Athena straightens up to look over the top of it. At first, she is looking for someone, who could do the job of helping this woman but looking amongst the crowd she wouldn’t trust them to organise a meal in a restaurant. Moving so she can look a little more into the crowd, she sees her daughter standing up high, holding her phone above her head. “May!” she shouts, making May look up at her. “Come on, I need your help!”

Following her command, May jumps down from the ledge and runs over to her mother.

Going back into the window, Athena places her hand back onto the wad of cotton to give more pressure to the wound.

Appearing next to her mother, May gives her a question, “Yeah?”

“Come here,” Athena says, pulling at her wrist to get her more into the car. “I need you to put pressure on this, while I go get the first aid kit.”

“Mom, I… I…” May says, realising what her mother has told her to do.

“Just for a minute,” Athena reassures May, she knows that her daughter has the ability to see this through.

Waiting until she can feel May’s hand on top of hers, Athena looks at her daughter. “May. May! Look at me,” Athena tells her, trying to strike a balance between reassurance and instruction. “Now is not the time for you to be frightened. So put your hand here and hold it. Come on.”

Quickly, Athena lets go and watches May climb in the back of the car then with her hand shaking like an earthquake May puts her hand there properly, looking up at her Mom, her eyes full of her five-year-old tears. As her hand makes contact with the wet cloth, May hears her mother say, “Good. All right. Not too much pressure. Yeah, good. Good. I’ll be right back.”

Watching her mother leave, May realises she could still be at home in her pyjamas studying than trying to keep this woman alive. Fidgeting in her seat behind the woman, May isn’t able to see the water fill the streets as she can’t move hands.

Outside in the world, Athena finds a red car and looks through the back window, at first all she is the empty black of the truck but just in the corner of the truck is a bright green first aid kit. Pressing the button lock and the door not opening, Athena realises that the door is locked and exhales through her nose. Going through her pockets, she finds the tool she used to get out of her car, following her need she smashes the glass. Cracking the glass, then with her sleeve wipes the glass away to put her hand in the trunk. Flinging things away, Athena picks up the first aid kit and begins to run back to May and Vicky.

“Your name’s May?” Vicky asks, moving her eyes to May as her breathing becomes more laboured. “I’m Vicky.”

“Hi,” May whispers automatically while looking out the windscreen, hoping to see her mother appear in front of the car.

“Did I hear someone say there was a tsunami,” Vicky asks, confusion dripping in her voice. “Or… am I dreaming?”

“There was,” May answers, short and curt, holding her jaw so tight that her head is starting to hurt.

“Wow,” Vicky says, even more, breathless this time.

While running back to May, water comes underfoot for Athena, soaking shoes so that her feet are wet. Along the way, she hears a blurry man say, “The sewer’s backing up.”

“It’s just spillover,” Athena tells the man, making small shakes with her head. Getting to the sidewalk and hearing more outcries of concern, Athena steps onto the bed of a truck to look over where they are stuck.

Athena’s higher vantage point allows her to see all of the street. The long fingers of the water reach under the car, twisting in the cracks of the sidewalk. Becoming one being again the water crawls along the road further wrapping electrical wire of the downed pylon.

Only able to be calm for a second, the man becomes irate again. “I want that report!” he shouts, beginning to step out into the water. “Officer!”

His shouting pulls Athena’s attention away from the pylon to him. “Sir!” she shouts while holding out her hands.

“Officer!” he shouts again. Stomping across the sidewalk with loud reverberating steps. Then one of his feet hit the water. Volts run free in his body making the muscles seize as though there are bugs creeping under his skin and his mouth froths, like a rabid dog, while everyone is screaming his body hits the ground, still contracting.

Utterly unaware, May and Vicky are still waiting for Athena to return. On May’s hand, she can feel every beat of Vicky’s heart as blood pumps out with it.

“Unusual, right?” Vicky asks, her voice sticky as her breath getting caught in her throat as her eyes close.

“Oh, god,” May whispers, looking out the window again. Now that Vicky has her eyes closed, the beat in her neck has gotten slower and after being around the one eight eight for so long May knows what this could mean. “Oh my god. Mom!” May shouts again as Vicky falls away from her, rolling her head and landing with a dull thud onto the window sill. Wiggling from side to side, May with her blood-soaked hands sticking to the leather of the seat goes to the open door of the car. “Mom,” she shouts balancing on the step of the car and about to step out into the water.

Before May can put a foot out of the car, her life flashes before Athena’s eyes; she can’t have another child be so close to death. “May! May! Don’t! Don’t!” Athena wails struggling to get it out between her rapid breathing, directing her hands as though she’s pushing out a force that will keep May safe inside the car. “Get back into the van until I tell you to come out! Do you hear me?”

Athena has never talked to May like that before and now her hands are shaking so much that they hurt. Looking down to the water and following the crowd, she sees the frozen body and with an open mouth May gives a barely-there nod and sits down inside the car.

When May gets back inside the car, Athena lets out a breath that she wasn’t aware that she was holding and the knots in her muscles loosen just a little.

With her whole throat decorated with blood like a macabre painting, May takes Vicky’s neck in her hand and lightly puts her jerky hand to the laceration. “Oh, God. Vicky, come on.” 

At May’s voice, Vicky opens her eyes a creek and whispers, “I’m really sorry about this.”

“You’re fine. You’re gonna be fine,” May repeats, her voice quivering while she makes sure the pressure on Vicky’s neck is making a tight seal.

Back at the call centre, it has never stopped, more calls keep flooding in, filling the station with noise and light.

“Jonas, how we doing?” Maddie asks, looking up at her screen while she forces measured calm through her voice. “No luck with the window,” she says after he babbles nonsense for a few seconds.

”Went a different direction. Up, ” he huffs out info Maddie’s ear.

In understanding, Maddie’s eyebrows raise. ”You’re in the attic,” she says, sucking her bottom lip while watching more news fly in.

”Yeah. Wow, there's a lot of crap in here.” Maddie hears him say through her headset. ”I thought maybe I could burst open a skylight but it turns out from the inside that attic, it's just a wall.”

”Ok. Well, let's work with what we got. Do you see anything we can use to break through the roof?” Maddie asks, shaking her head a little.

Through the headset, she can hear the rustling of stuff being thrown around. ”Not so much, ” Jonas says after a few seconds he speaks again. ”No, wait a minute. I got a pack here.” 

”A pack?” Maddie asks, tilting her head slightly, unsure how this is going to help him.

”My climbing gear. My ex said I was a gear hoarder. They were right, ” he tells Maddie, she can hear the half-smile in his voice. That smile turns to laughing glory, ”I’m glad they were. I found an axe.”

A deep sigh tears through Maddie’s ears as she hears, ”Looking like I'm chopping through the roof. I kinda wish I had a bigger axe.”

Feeling the same kind of headache that she gets, used to get, with her brother when he got hare-brained ideas stuck in his head; now she gets them with Chimney. ”Or… Better idea take a look for a roof vent. Attic’s need ventilation and the structure will be weaker there, ” she says, reeling off the information.

”How do you know that?”

”Believe it or not, we have protocols for this- talking through someone how to break through the roof. Didn’t know I’d be needing it today but I’m glad I have it.” Maddie does a series of clicks to get up the information she needs.

“Me too,” Jonas agrees. “Oh, boy. Found a vent.”

“Ok, focus on the edges where the ven is attached to the sheathing. Don’t try to muscle your way through the middle of it,” Maddie tells Jonas while making sure she is in control of her breathing.

In Maddie’s ears, she can hear water rushing over itself and smacking sounds of metal hitting against wood. Seconds roll pass like dripping honey, then Jonas’ voice enters her ears again, “It broke. I’m not getting out of here.”

As one of the screens above her- gives breaking news of another surge hit, something horrid like being burnt alive, like having her nails ripped one by one, worse than being stabbed by Doug, settles within her. “No. No. No.” she hears.

“We are going to keep fighting, me and you,” Maddie tells Jonas but her brain knows that it is the same kind of help- feeble, futile and fruitless- that she gives to Buck. As she thinks about her brother, Maddie’s hand trails down from her neck to rest on the bottom of her stomach; as she watches move coverage of the tsunami and the disquiet in her gets louder all she wants to is call her brother.

Just like Buck only does now, Jonas gives a lifeless, breathless, joyless laugh. “I summited six of the world’s highest peaks. And I can’t make it through the roof of my own house!” he laughs still but it is the same bitter laugh that Buck has that makes your skin crawl. “I’m gonna die in this stupid attic.”

“You must have some crazy adventures. You survived them,” Maddie says, keeping her voice measured while trying to infuse hope but biting her lip.

“Almost didn’t once. K2, this savage beats. Horrible, unpredictable weather,” With each pause Maddie can hear that Jonas’ breathing is getting harder. “We were near the summit when the avalanche hit. I got separated from the others. I thought I was gonna die alone.”

“Well, you’re not alone,” Maddie tells him, still her hand on stomach and all she can think about is how she wasn’t there for Buck, any time he needed someone. She feels that same kind of sitting dread that she had when Buck was under the firetruck and then when he was under sedation. “I’m here, Jonas. I’m with you.” The same way she wasn’t with Buck.

”It was so cold but bright. The way the sun was bouncing off the snow, it didn't make any sense. I was dying surrounded by all that sunshine.”

Madrid can remember that feeling of dying in the cold of the snow, fading among nature is so surreal everything around so alive while you're barely clinging on. ”But you didn't die that day, ” Maddie tells the both of them, she got out alive and so did most of Buck.

”They found my line. They pulled me out, ” Maddie hears him say a little more breathless this time.

”You ever make it to the summit?” she asks, finding it to swallow with her dry mouth, to keep him talking.

”Oh, yeah…” He manages out, barely making a sound in Maddie’s ear. ”It was like…looking down on the sky. So beautiful.”

That is the last thing she hears out of Jonas. Then all she hears is silence. The absolute absence of his life. ”Jonas?” Maddie calls out, only to be met with silence than after a breath, ’call failed’ dances on screen. Allowed to be freed from forced professionalism, tears run out of Maddie’s eyes and takes silent gulping sobs. Stopping herself from exclaiming out loud, Maddie covers her mouth as she forces down another round of sobs.

With a day like today, another call rolls in flashing on the screen. Biting her lip and swallowing her sobs Maddie answers. ”Nine-one-one. What's your emergency?” 

* * *

As a welcoming warmth, that is the same as the get better blanket, digs into Buck’s muscles there is a pull around his temporal bone.

There is a foggy sound in his ear, that could sound like Chris screaming.

It is a war, the warmth and the pull.

* * *

Bobby has tensed every one of his muscles as the wave hits him again over and over. Just as he’s about to tame the saw to the antenna, Bobby wonders if what happened to Buck hadn’t happened he’d be the one in the water, having all the fun in the world.

”I’m here, ” Bobby says through his radio, wanting to laugh a little

In the boat, water won't stop coming in, all of the boat has water residing in it. Up to Hen and Eddie hips is water, soaking them and making their movement all that much harder.

”Water’s coming faster, Cap!” Eddie announces while he and Hen try to keep the man from being fully submerged in the water. They take turns supporting his head out of the water.

”Copy that, Eddie, ” Bobby says, coming closer to cutting that antenna. ”I’ll bang three times on the hull when it's done.”

Supporting Chuck’s head, Eddie rakes on a serious instructive tone, the same one that used to make Buck drag him into the bunk room where the two of them would do anything but sleep under the covers. ”Chuck, can you hear me?” 

No answer comes from Chuck and Eddie can't feel the moral expansion and depression that comes with breathing. Doing as he is trained, Eddie moves his ear so that it is just above his mouth. He and Hen wait a few crucial seconds. “He’s not breathing,” Eddie tells her as he puts two fingers to the artery in Chuck’s neck, again he looks to Hen, “Lost his pulse.”

Without taking a pause, Hen with still hands says, “We gotta do CPR underwater.”

“CPR underwater?” Eddie asks with wide eyes and some astonishment at how being a firefighter in LA is still as adventurous when he was in the service. 

“We can’t do compressions unless he’s flat,” Hen says, her voice betraying with a wobble and gripping on tight to the gauze in her hands. The water is now up to their torsos, giving them even less space.

“How’s he gonna get air?” Eddie asks with his eyes just as wide as before.

“He’s not breathing, anyway!” Hen exclaims, moving her palms to her forehead for a second. “It’s just to keep him from drowning. At least for a minute. There’s a scuba mask,” Hen gestures with one hand. “Grab it. Put it on him.”

Eddie does as he’s told, picking up the scuba mask then securing it on Chuck’s face, all of the water makes every movement hard as it owns more space in the boat then any of the humans. Once it’s on, Eddie places Chuck underwater and then follows him. With his eyes burning, Eddie begins his compressions. Behind him, Eddie can feel that Hen has joined them too.

On the other side of the hull, Bobby has grabbed onto the antenna, taking as many deep breaths as he can.

Moving, Hen throws herself out of the water, having lost her glasses along the way.

“I got him,” Eddie says, with his bottom lip turning inward as he lifts Chuck out of the water.

As fast as he can, Eddie lays Chuck back in the water for another round of compression. “Nothing,” Eddie says to Hen, wiping his face after he has pulled his head out of the water.

“Ok,” Hen says.

Finally, with a good hold around the pole, he fired up his saw cutting the metal in half. At the same time, Hen and Eddie repeat trying everything to keep Chuck alive.

This time when Eddie lifts his head out of the water, with it still dripping off his face, he says, “Nothing.”

As the water begins to cool the heat, what should take a couple of seconds takes a cup full of seconds. How long it takes is almost painful, he can see fibre break in real time.

“Nothing,” Eddie says again, bouncing out of the water. Then putting himself back under. Then Hen. Then Eddie. Then Hen. Then Eddie.

After so long, Hen and Eddie feel three knocks on the hull then they hear, “Eddie, antenna is clear.”

“I got a pulse!” Eddie says with water dripping off his brow. “Bring him up!”

As he does so, Eddie feels a little burn within him, Cuck will probably recover with nothing but a scar.

Chuck comes out of the water gasping for air like a newborn.

“Welcome back, Chuck,” Eddie laughs as he feels that rush that comes with this type of job. Looking to Hen, he puts a hand on her shoulder and gives her a nod, “Hell of a save, Hen!”

“I can’t believe it worked,” Hen says, joining in on the laughing. “I can’t believe that…”

Eddie shifts his head past Hen to look through the doorway. “Bring in that backboard!” Eddie shouts as the arm Chuck is resting on starts to go dead.

In a flurry, they get off the boat and through all of their radios echoing, Hen, Eddie and Chimney hear the shout, “if you read, one-one-eight, we need back up at the Santa Monica pier.”

Appearing out of the water, Bobby tells his squad, “good job down there, guys.”

“Thanks.” 

“Copy that.”

“Cap,” Chimney calls for Bobby’s attention. “Command is asking for available hands down at the pier.”

“Ok. Chim, Hen. You transport the patients,” Bobby directs his squad, still noticing the hole in the fabric of their group.

“Copy that,” Eddie says looking down at his phone, Buck should have texted his check-in text by now but Eddie just shakes his head Buck is probably still asleep.

“Eddie, you’re with me,” Bobby tells him.

In return, he hears a chorus of ‘copy that’s.

“Regroup at the staging area.”

Watching the woman until her husband and son sail away, Eddie can’t imagine what it feels like to have the two most important people in the world hurting.

* * *

“Buck! Buck!” Chris screams as his head is thrown in and out of the water as he fights against the strength of the tide.

As he is thrown again, he catches the colour that Buck is wearing.  
The waves move in front of his vision but he can still see that Buck isn’t moving.

Buck isn’t moving. Buck isn’t moving. Buck isn’t moving. Just like his Mom isn’t moving.

* * *

Athena has a gaggle of people around her calling nine-one-one. This has been going for a few minutes even some of them have had their calls rejected.

To the side of her, a woman comes closer. “I got… got nine-one-one! Finally!” she says, holding out her phone to Athena.

Plucking the phone out of her hand, Athena puts it to her ear and reels off, “This is Athena Grant. LAPD. I’m at the intersection of Brockton and Wilshere. There’s a pileup with serious injuries. We got water in the street and a drowned transformer and two people trapped in a car.”

At the first word Maddie already knew who it was, she both sighs and tenses her jaw as she writes down all the information Athena has told her. “Athena, it’s Maddie,” she tells her, looking out for any close crews.

“Maddie, thank god,” Athena exclaims. “I need a DWP crew, right now.”

Looking at the screen again, Maddie sighs. “Athena, all DWP crews are engaged. I can’t do anything about the power,” Maddie says, typing away to try and find some help.

“May’s the one trapped in the car, Maddie,” Athena says then changes to a whisper, “that’s the damn problem.”

Just a few meters away, the pylon cackles again making the sparks even bigger this time.

“I got folks dying in the streets,” She whispers, harshly into the phone.

Pushing her eyes back into her head then looking down at her screen. Quickly, Maddie does a series of clicks then tells Athena, “the nearest DWP crew is at Rose and Granville. It’s going to take an hour.”

“That’s not gonna work,” Athena says, shaking her head.

“It’s all I can do Athena,” Maddie tells her, watching another surge roll in.

“May’s there stopping a woman from bleeding out,” Athena says, looking to the car that her daughter is stuck in.

Giving the phone back to the woman, she pulls out her own. “Stay on hold,” She says to the woman.

“Who are you calling?” She asks with her voice shaking.

Athena doesn’t answer, instead speaking into her phone. “Jacobs, this is Athena. I need you to find me a black and white the closet thing you got to Rose and Granville,” she says as she finishes, Athena makes shaky eye contact with her daughter.

When May looks back, she sees that the woman’s eyes are half-closed. “Hey, hey. Don’t do that, help is coming. My Mom is out there, she’ll figure something out,” May whimpers out as she tries to push her head up. “Just keep your head up, come on.”

“Yeah, keep my head up,” the woman coughs out as her eyes close even more.

“Keep your head up. Come on, Vicky, you can’t… ok? You’re gonna stay awake and you’re gonna stay alive,” May tells her, her voice sounding the same it did when she was six and scared of the dark.

Athena hears the sirens, turn up and begins to run to them. “You got someone trapped in a car?” the engineer asks, matching Athena’s run.

“Yeah. Two. I’ve got two someones,” Athena tells him as she points to the transformer.   
Carrying on running to the transformer they get there in a couple of seconds. Quickly, he fiddles with the controls for a few seconds then turns to Athena as more sirens begin to fill the distance. “We’re clear,” he tells Athena, turning around to her.

With that message, Athena nods and begins to run to the car May and Vicky are in. “May,” she shouts through the open door, “I’m here.” When she comes into view of May, she sees Vicky’s head in May’s lap while up to her elbows are covered in blood.

May’s eyes have a faraway look as she looks down at Vicky then to Athena. With a jump, May looks up to her mother. “I tried to keep her awake. I really tried, Mom,” May tells her mother while barely shaking her hand.

All Athena wants to do is take away any hurt May has. “Come on!”

As May gets out of the car, in the corner of her eyes, May sees a woman clothed in blue reach the car.

Grabbing onto her arm, Athena steers May away from the scene taking her to safety. Still following her mother, May hears the firefighters in the background, it all seems a little fuzzy until she hears, “I’ve got a pulse.”

At that May turns back round, only to be met with the empty space of where they were. Then she sees her Mom walk by and as fast as her legs will take her, May sprints to her mother.

“She’s alive?” May asks as the whole world freezes.

“Yes, Baby. She’s alive,” Athena tells, hoping to make her world melt a little. “Because you kept her alive.”

With that May, turns back to Athena and falls into her arms, starting to sob.

“Oh, hey, hey, hey,” Athena says as May’s sobs get bigger.

“I was so scared,” May cries out from where her head is buried in her Mom’s chest.

“But you did good. Just like I knew you would,” Athena tells her, rubbing the back of May’s head.

“I’m not you, Mom,” May says, starting to pull out of the hug.

Athen grabs the back of May’s head, “well… I wasn’t always me either. It took me a minute to get there. You’ll get there.”

When Athena has finished, May dives back into the hug.

* * *

“Buck!” Chris screams again.

“Buck.” Buck hears his name called, Chris almost sounds scared. And Buck wonders why Chris doesn’t feel as light as he does. Buck feels warm and safe, safer than he has done in months.

“Buck!” Chris screams again, this time it is even high pitched and louder.

Then Buck remembers why Chris is sacred and all that warmth instantly disappears. It has been replaced by this utter burning dread, he was going to leave Chris… in this.

Opening his eyes, Buck tilts his head back and coughs. Each cough bounces around in his body, every bone hurts with it. It would be so easy for Buck to give into the calling to feel at peace again but the calling to keep Chris safe is stronger.

Another cough comes from Buck then a little water is brought up from his lungs. Now he feels a little light and the fight in his body is a little easier. And finally, Buck can open his eyes and actually see the light. Huffing out through the burning in his throat, it takes everything within Buck just to move to his front.

Like a creaking clock, Buck takes one arm over the front of him and begins to push the water away from him. Then he does the same with the other arm, with all the effort he can drag up to push the water away. Stretching his neck, Buck looks over the wave, only to see that Chris is still some distance away, floating in the rough water.

“Chris,” Buck shouts, letting water fill his mouth. “Strong legs. Ok. Don’t let the water take you.”

In return, Chris makes a grabbing motion with his hands and screams, so high that it could make Buck’s ears bleed if they weren’t full of water. “It hurts, Buck,” Chris tells him.

Spitting out the water in his mouth, Buck tries to charge forward, battling the insurgents forces of the wave. “I know… I’m… coming… just... hold on,” Buck says, in between coughs that cawl at the rawness in his throat.

Kicking his feet, only gaining some headway with his real leg, and raising his arms, Buck propels himself forward ignoring the muscles in every part of his body telling him to stop. With each stroke getting close to Chris, he has to wage war against the lactic acid begging him to stop.

Stroke, paddle.

Stroke, paddle.

Stroke, paddle.

Every single movement brings another wince of pain from Buck, he’s so cold and everything hurts a little more than usually does, After some more paddling, Buck comes with centimeters of Chris. Nothing could stop Buck from reaching out and taking Chris in his arms like he’s just mined gold.

Patting in between Chris’ shoulder blades, “it’s oke. I’ve got you,” Buck says to Chris with his chest tight and occupied by Chris’ weeping head.

Without being able to take another breath, the wave picks up again, pulling them back into the sea. With it’s hooks in Buck, it drags him and Chris, so tired he can’t find it within himself to do anything but hold onto Chris.  
Still in the grasp of the water, Buck’s breath is thrown out of him as a building comes in between him and the water. Even Chris can feel and hear the cracking in Buck’s ribs, as his arms are in Buck’s armpits his left arm follows Buck’s ribs, hitting the building with such a force that it racks through both of their bodies. Using the interval, Buck cradles Chris’ head. The building still hasn’t moved and the leash that the water has on Buck pulls again, slamming the back of his head against the concrete wall.

For a second, Buck’s eyes roll back into his head and like nothing happened Buck is back in the world, able to see that the sun is edging down. He has to gasp a few times for any air to reach his lungs but even with every expansion hurting he is able to fill his lungs again.

Crossing his hand over Chris’ back, Buck uses his other arm to feel around for something to hold onto. At first all he meets is brick, nothing he can form a grip on. Then his fingers find an alcove under him where the windows but his wrinkled, waterlogged fingers slip away, making Buck and Chris float further down the stream.

As they move further down, Buck tries to grasp at anything to keep Chris… Eddie’s boys out the ever wide sea, When he can’t find anything, Buck breaths get quicker making his chest, as though someone is drilling screws into his ribs, so much that his eyes white for a second. Still moving with the water, Buck fumbles around looking for something to hold onto, finally he feels a pylon broken in half.

Grabbing onto it, Buck takes another deep breath that makes his body shake along with his residual limb burning, Turning to Chris, Buck pull his head out of his neck only to see his lip turning blue and his eyes darting around like a runner sprinting around while being half-closed.

“Chris… Chris,” Buck says, rubbing his back with his knuckles along his spine.

Chris gives a grunt that comes from low in his throat as tries to move into Buck’s warmth.

“I know. I know. But I need you to wake up,” Buck whispers, making the pressure his knuckles are giving stronger.

Eventually, after more grunting Chris’ eyes blink open to look at Buck wide and watery. For a few seconds, he stares at Buck then digs back into him, feeling the rapid, uneven beats of Buck’s chest against his own.

Left just bobbing in the water, Buck clings onto Chris like a koala on a eucalyptus tree. Every so often a wince rocks through Buck alternating between shockwaves from his ribs, that catch with his breathing, and that sore aching, burning pain in his stump. Lost in time, whispering reassurances he doesn’t believe in Chris’ ear and wondering how Eddie will survive this, Buck doesn’t notice the water slowly receding until his fingers and upper thighs feel the wet cold of his clothes.

Turning out to the sky, Buck can finally see the ground again, the water clearer and only up to his knees.

Shivering Chris looks up to Buck with more blue painted across his lips. “Buck…” Chris pants out. “My arm hurts.” Lifting up his arm that is coloured blue and red.

“Ok,” Buck says, looking around for somewhere level that the both of them can stand on.

It takes him while moving from left to right. Only seeing the things that won’t do what they need it to. Then the water goes down a little more, leaving a walkway to the ground free. Switching Chris to his hip, “I’ll just get us down here and then I’ll have a look at it,” Buck tells Chris.

Every step Buck takes us shaky, his real leg having to do most of the work as the joint in his prosthetic one moves between locking too much and not enough. Fully in the water up to his hips, Buck wades in the water to a bench. Swallowing the surge of pain running through him, Buck shifts Chris to sit on the bench that is just poking out of the water.

Taking his time, trying to ignore the beats of pain running free inside of him, Buck pulls at Chris’ arm to hold it out straight in front of him. “Chris…” Buck whispers, taking a pause “I’m going to check your arm but… it might hurt.”  
  
At his words, Chris tries to take his arm back but has to stop as a wave of pain makes him take a heavy, racking breath. Using two fingers, Buck pushes along Chris’ arm, only touching sore skin. Moving further up, Buck feels a ridge in the bone. Just touching the area makes Chris fail.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” Buck whispers, shifting from leg to leg, trying to relive the pressure that is coming from his prosthetic. “It’s broken. Ok. You just need to keep it straight.”

Looking back up at Buck, Chris gives a whiny noise while tears fill his eyes.

“I know. I know, it hurts. We just have to get to help and they’ll give something for it,” Buck says, looking around for something to help them. Buck knows that they can’t stop moving with the water going out, it is as dangerous as before but Chris can’t walk anywhere but a short distance without his crutches. “I’m gonna go look for something to help us. Hold on tight. If the water changes even a little bit, shout for me,” Buck tells Chris, slowly taking his arm away from Chris.

“Buck…” Chris begins to shout, flinging himself back into Buck’s arms. That action makes Buck clench his jaw as Chris hit his already bruised ribs.

When Buck goes to speak, all that happens is that he makes a wheezy inhales of breath that sounds like he’s underwater. After a few tries, Buck finds he can make words again. “Three minutes. If I don’t find anything I’ll be back,” Buck says, pulling himself away again. “Count them for me.”

“One. Two. Three.” As Chris’ counting slowly fades, Buck feels a hot, burning pool in his stomach with every step he gets further away from him. Maybe Buck should go back and pick up Chris and deal with the weight it would put on his ribs and leg, dragging the both of them to a safe point.

At the halfway point of three minutes, after all of his thoughts, Buck stops and turns on his foot and prosthetic foot, back to Chris. The walk back is a harsh one, his whole body ablaze, the walking making him breath harder thus making his ribs hurt more with each breath, his prosthetic leg adding more chafing to the skin and the phantomness feeling on his gone leg digging into his skin. As the next step sends a pain through him, Buck sees a woman hanging from fabric wrapped around her torso.

Stepping through the broken window, Buck looks from side to side to check if there’s any danger of the building falling down. Assured that it’s not, Buck walks to the woman. For a second, Buck just watches the woman. Then with a shaky head and breathing that gets stuck on his ribs, he reaches to her wrist searching for a pulse. Buck waits and waits but he only feels nothing, Taking his head away, Buck look up into the woman’s eyes but only sees a glassy white film over them. And Buck knows he’s too later again. Not enough, again.

With sudden realisation of what she’s hanging from means, Buck peers in the baby carrier but it’s empty. Buck doesn’t know whether to breathe a sigh of relief or run to Chris and hold him as tight as he can. Looking back at the woman again, Buck sees how big the fabric of the baby carrier is.

Without thinking, Buck takes a deep breath that makes him want to cry. Buck realises that the baby carrier could be the thing to help Chris. Gently, Buck takes the carrier off the woman, moving her down to the counter just under her.

“I’m sorry,” Buck whispers, closing her eyes. Then he bundles the carrier under his armpit.”

When Chris sees Buck again, he lets out a high whining sound. “Buck… you were gone for longer,” Chris shouts between crying.

Buck tries to do a little jog but can’t commit to it, eventually, he gets to Chris and pulls him into a hug. “I’m sorry. I know,” Buck whispers, trying to hold back the tears. Still stroking his hair, Buck waits for Chris to calm down. “Get on my back,” Buck tells Chris, trying to be firm.

“What?” Chris asks, moving out of Buck.

Pulling out the baby carrier, “get on my back and I’ll put this on.”

“Can I sleep?” Buck nods. “Ok,” Chris says, starting to climb onto Buck’s hip.

Putting the wide fabric of the baby carrier over Chris, so that each end is within reach of his hands, Then putting one arm to his back, Buck pushes the seat of the fabric up so it is between his back and Chris. “Hold on to my neck and keep your hurt arm by your side,” Buck tells Chris as he sucks in another heavy breath that hurts.

Chris does as he’s told, starting to shiver again as the wind picks up. “Are you ok? You’re breathing is weird,” Chris says, as he pushes into Buck’s neck.

Freezing for a second, Buck then gives a little laugh that can not be paired with the expression he is hiding from Chris. “I haven’t worked out in a while. I’m just tired.”

Then he takes the two edges of the fabric over his shoulders. Taking one length he places it between his legs, and the other he takes under his armpit and follows it through placing it over Chris’ back and tucking it under his left leg and Buck finishes by holding the extra fabric between his legs. Taking out the other one, he does the same, tucking it under Chris’ right leg. Just as he’s about to tie a knot around his waist, Buck moves Chris’ arm so that it is supported by the fabric, then ties the knot.

“Chris. Chris,” Buck calls out but he doesn’t get an answer only snoring. With a cold hand, Buck reaches to Chris’ ankle looking for a pulse there he finds a strong, steady beat. So Buck lets Chris sleep and begins to walk to the distant sound.

* * *

Zooming down the water, Bobby and Eddie arrive to more open water to see in the far distance a half submerged ferris wheel, that Eddie couldn’t have known that Buck and Chris were on only a couple of hours earlier. Raising two fingers, Bobby signals for the diver to get closer to the wheel.

As they pass under a sign, Eddie turns to Bobby. “Seeing this, Cap?” he asks, squinting his eyes against the sun.

“Kind of hard not to, Eddie,” Bobby says, trying to see if just them is enough help.

Getting closer all they hear is screams, cries and pleading for help. As quick as the speed-boat can take them, Bobby and Eddie are at the foot of the ferris wheel. Pulling up beside a family, Eddie begins a conversation in spanish.  
  
Picking up a few cues, Bobby turns to Eddie. “Wait, who helped them?”

“La bombera,” Eddie tells Bobby, painly as though he can’t believe that Bobby doesn’t know this.

Before Eddie can translate a head pops out of the ferris wheel pods. “Hey. We could use some help up here.”

“Fire lady,” Eddie finishes, then looks at Bobby.

“Alright, you go up. Harnessed,” Bobby tells Eddie, following through he begins to stand up and put the harness on. As he is about to step on the ferris wheel, Bobby looks at Eddie with all the eye contact he can. “Be safe. You’ve a family to get home to.”

“Sounds like a plan, Cap,” Eddie says, starting to climb the metal.

Getting to the other firefighter, Eddie throws his bag in one of the pods, When he finds a place to stand, the metal under him starts to sway vigorously side to side. Him and everyone around have to catch their balance.

“That’s not part of the ride,” he says, hooking his arms over the side and giving them a shaky giggle.

“No. The spokes are coming off the hub. The thing been thrashed,” the firefighter states, holding onto a pole.

“What about you?” Eddie asks, securing himself to the wheel. “Are you hurt?”

“No, neither is he,” she says, looking at the man wrapped around the pole like a scared stripper. 

“I’m not going anywhere. Not until the water’s gone,” the man manages out between panicked breaths.

“Sir, if you don’t come with us, this whole thing will be gone,” she seethes out, looking down at him.

“Don’t worry, buddy,” Eddie says, feeling like he’s trying to get Chris… or Buck to the dentist. “I’m gonna get you down safely. I’mma first gonna put this harness around you.” As he puts the harness around the man, Eddie looks over him to the other firefighter. “Eddie Diaz, one-eigthteen.”

“Lena Bosko, one-thirty-six.”

“You were on the pier when it hit?”

“Yeah.”

“Where’s your crew?”

“Got separated. Hell of a spin cycle.”

Both Eddie and Lena get arms around the man and help him to stand up.

Through his radio he tells Bobby, who is watching and calculating, “one coming to you, Cap.”

All Bobby can hear as the man is lowered down is “Don’t drop me. Don’t drop me.”

“You’re ok. We got you. Just try to relax,” Bobby shouts, holding his arms out. As soon as Bobby comes near the man, the water starts to move shaking the ferris wheel throwing everyone around.

As Eddie and Lena secure themselves again, he tries to find anything to think about but how just a couple of days ago Chris had been asked to come here with some of his friends. The more Lena shifts into her geat, the more he becomes aware that Buck isn’t by his side. “When the wave hit, how’d you get back here?”

“I swam,” Lena tells Eddie, noticing how looking anywhere but at her.

“You sure did and then climbed,” Eddie says, badly hiding the impression running through his voice.

Standing up, Lena looks down at him trying to receive any eye contact. “I free climb on the weekends, soldier.”

Joining her standing up, Eddie looks with a little smile that doesn’t reach his eyes, Buck loves… loved playing on Eddie’s rank, and shakes his head a little. “How’d you know I was in the service?”

Attaching her harness to the anchor, she does the same but for her you can see that the emotion is every fibre of her being. “You all carry yourselves the same way. All that spit and polish. My Captain served. Army.”

Pulling the anchor link to him, Eddie replies, “must be a good man.”

Lena doesn’t say anything but gets out of the pod and starts to ascend the ferris wheel.

Doing his job, Eddie does the same, all the while trying to ignore the voice in the back of his head telling him it has been too long since he’s heard from any of his family. Maybe Buck and Chris were still asleep but he at least should have gotten a text or voicemail from Abuela.

Pulling himself up, Eddie hooks his arms up to his armpits in the very top pod. Still hanging half in the pod, Eddie sees and hears a woman reach towards him. “Oh, thank god, you’re here!” She screeches.

Trying to get all the way in, Eddie and Lend lift their bodies over the glass. “What happened here ma’am?” Eddie asks, pulling his other leg over.

“He hit his neck when the wave came, and he can’t feel his fingers.” As she’s speaking Lena bends down, joining Eddie around the man.

“My arms went numb. A couple minutes later, my legs gave out.” Quickly, Eddie goes over everything he learnt in the army. “Am I paralysed?”

“That’s too soon to tell,” Eddie says, looking through his pockets. “You lost sensation in your arms and then your legs? Ok. That might be a sign of swelling, which means you bruised your neck instead of breaking it.”

Then out of nowhere, the ferris wheel shakes trying to dislodge its inhabitants. Everyone feeling their bodies shake like they're in a blender, begin to scream, filling the air with the sound.

Finally, when it’s stopped, Eddie leans over the side and shouts to Bobby. “Hey, Cap, we can get one down to you but the other one’s a possible spinal. We’re gonna need a Hail Mary.”

“I’ll order one up for you,” Bobby tells Eddie, then turns to his radio. “Coast Guard. Coast Guard. This is Captain Nash, LAFD. We need a miracle at the pier. We need one quick.”

Up at the pod, Eddie begins to placate the people. “Everything’s gonna be fine. Help’s on the way.”

Loud and buzzing, the helicopter lets itself be known. The woman points to it. “See that? How’s that for a sign?” she asks. “There’s hope, so fight.”

Looking out, Eddie signals to the pilot that they are the ones who need help.  
As he turns back, Eddie hears the man tell his wife, “we were always a disaster, baby.” Hearing it, he can’t help but reminded of him and Shannon; the not talking, the arguing, the make up sex, the fun times and then one of them would misstep and instead of talking about it they would go back to not talking about it.

Using one hand to block the sun, Eddie uses the other to guide the stretcher to him. With as little time as possible Lena and Eddie strp the man in. Once he is in, Eddie gives them the thumbs up to take the man up.

Under him, Bobby feels a change in the water that makes him stand up. The blue ripples work across water, sending warning messages to Bobby. “Incoming! Debris!” he shouts, turning to look up at Eddie and Lena.

Again the ferris wheel begins to shake but this time the rumbles underfoot feel stronger like the earth is coming apart under him.

“This thing is gonna go down. Let’s go, go, go,” Bobby shouts, attempting to remain even tempered while hoping he doesn’t have to go to Buck tonight and tell the worst news in the world.

Stepping out of the pod, Eddie looks to Lena. “Free climb, how about free fall?” Both Eddie and Lena unhook their harnesses and balance on the edge of the ferris wheel. 

Lena goes first, jumping off swinging her arms widely. Following, Eddie does the same, jumping himself into the water. Battling against the current, Eddie and Lena swim to Bobby’s outstretched hand.

Getting to Bobby’s hand first, Eddie grabs while hearing, “here, here, here!” Then Bobby helps Lena on and Bobby gives the signal to speed up. As the boat makes some distance, the ferris wheel falls in the water, making a splash that can be heard for miles.

Able to walk with the water only up to their knees, they get out of the boat.

“There’s a truck on it’s way, Captain.” The radio spits out.

“Copy that. Nash, out,” Bobby tells radio then turns it off and turns around on the balls of his feet to Eddie and Lena. “Our team is still stuck on the other side. Our trucks can’t get through just yet. Earth movers are still clearing the roads.”

“One-eighteen is hoofing it for a while,” Eddie says.

“It looks that way,” Bobby confirms. “Hen and Chimney are readying some turnout backpacks until we’re mobile again. Bosko, the crew from your house are all alive and accounted for… except for Captain Cooper. He’s still MIA. I’m sorry.”

“If it’s all the same to you, Captain, I’m gonna stick around and look for him,” She says as she swallows the breath that wants to catch in her throat and shifts to her right side.

“Why are you standing like that?” Bobby asks, after seeing her unnatural actions.

“It’s nothing,” she answers too quickly and corrects herself “bruised rib.”

“Let me take a look,” Eddie says.

“I said it's nothing,” Lena tells him just below shouting, moving backwards.

“Clearly, it’s not,” Eddie states, shaking his head.

“You gonna drop this?” Lena bites out.

“Hey!” Bobby shouts realising that is not just his squad that are overgrown children. “Bosko, let him have a look. I’m not asking.”

Rolling her eyes, Lena takes a step back and lifts her arm slightly. Putting his bag on the other shoulder, Eddie kneels down at her left side. Using just enough pressure, Eddie presses two fingers along Lena’s ribs. At the bottom one there is not a reaction but when he reaches the seventh rib, Lena doubles over in pain wincing out loud.

“Yeah… that’s not a bruise. It’s broken. Must be hurting like a bitch,” Eddie says, looking through his eyelash before standing up.

“Yeah, well breathing isn’t super fun,” she says reluctantly.

“I’m calling it. You’re off the field,” Bobby tells her.

“Sir, I said I’m fine,” Lena says, gritting her teeth needing to get back out there.

“USAR command is setting up the VA hospital on Sawtelle. I want you to stick with her in case her desire to track down her Captain, cause her to lose her way. I’m gonna meet up with the one-eighteen. Rendezvous with us when you can.”

“Copy that, Cap,” Eddie says then Bobby nods and walks away. Then Eddie pulls out his phone.

“Who are you calling?” Lena asks.

“My fiance and my son. He lost his leg a couple of months ago just after my son had lost his mother,” Eddie tells Lena, then turns his back on her as he’s putting the phone to his ear. “Hey, baby. It’s me. Still sleeping, huh? Good, you need the rest. I just wanted to tell you that I’m ok but we got our hands full here. I wouldn’t want you out in this. I just want you to know I love you guys. Tell Chris I love him, when he wakes up and.” Then Eddie is able to say the words he hadn’t been able to say in months, for worrying it would be too much. “... I love you, Buck.”

Once Eddie has jumped on the flatbed of the truck and is seated, Lena opens and closes it again a couple of times. “Is your Buck… the Evan Buckley?” Lena asks, looking anywhere but Eddie’s eyes.

With his wet clothes clinging to him and having seen too much today, all Eddie wants to do when he gets home to his boys and when Chris is asleep snoring loudly while he is touching distance and have Buck crawl on top of him making the day disappear. With Buck’s head curled into his neck and the solid weight on him, all he will be able to feel is that sheer calmness that his brain releases when they use the other as their own blanket. Hoping with every fibre in his being that Buck has heard the voicemail and something will happen that Buck is able to do.

Gritting his teeth, too aware that now another person knows he’s failed his family, knows the kind of man he is and the very intimate details of his Buck’s struggles.   
“Yeah, he is,” Eddie manages out, closing his eyes as his world feels both too small and too big.

* * *

With even more light quickly fading, Buck trudges on. Every step sends fire through his body, a twist between his raw skin and the feeling of his crushed leg is there. Each inhale of breath hurts, more than the one before, his ribs rattling freely against his lungs. As his heart beats harder, his head feels too small for his brain, and everything looks a little fuzzy. On his back he can feel, and hear, that Chris is fast asleep, so worn out from this day.

And with all that, Buck just keeps on walking. And walking. And walking.

As he walks all he can feel is Chris on his back, warm and starting to dry, his leg being crushed all over again and a jarring pain in his ribs, Buck is still happier than he was at home after Maddie left. Taking another deep breath that wants to make go cry, Buck realises that he and Chris are still alive; he can’t wait to get home and have his Eddie as his weighted blanket, that would wash all of his hurt away.

Then around him, it is dark. Everything around him is pitch black. Just in the distance, Buck sees a little light and if he could Buck would speed up. But his leg won’t allow him, the creaking and cracking from his prosthetic leg joint is getting louder and frequent.

Getting closer, Buck can hear the distressed whispers from all of the people. Stepping into the folly with the water only up to his ankles, Buck takes a deep breath making him bunch up in pain. The shifting weight is the end of his prosthesis, it snaps sending Buck to the ground. His whole body is jolted and for a second his world goes black and the exhale of his breath sounds wet like water is still in lungs. As soon as it started the new pain ends and Buck hears, “Sir, are you ok?”

* * *

**Doubt thou the stars are fire,**   
**Doubt that the sun doth move,**   
**Doubt truth to be a liar,**   
**But never doubt I love**

**-Shakespeare**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To all of you, thank you for taking time out of your day to read, kudos and comment.


	21. Necessity is the mother of invention

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about this being late, it was meant to be up yesterday but I binged Tiny Pretty Things.

**We don’t live alone. We are members of one body. We are responsible for each other.  
**

_ **\- J.B. Priestley** _

* * *

Seconds after Maddie had said goodbye to the woman on the phone at Athena’s accident, she watches Sue and Linda battle over a call.

As Sue is hovering next to Linda, Maddie hears Linda say through angry tears, “no. The line’s still open.”

Rolling her chair back slightly to look up at the TV screens. When the newscaster begins to drone on about the technicalities of a tsunami, her heart begins to ache the same way it did when Doug had decreed that Buck, at barely fifteen, was no longer going to be a part of their, her life, lives but this time a bubble of nausea, nudging against her uvula, sits at the back of her throat. Another part of her body is crying out; making the bubble grow bigger and bigger, trying to smother the hurt within her Maddie gently places her hand over her lower abdomen but it doesn’t do anything to stop the non-existent pain deep in her womb.

Reaching her hand across the desk, Maddie’s fingers touch the edge of her phone. Before she can make a hold on it, she hears Linda again.

“Protocol says we do not hang up,” Linda tells Sue, a little louder this time. “Not until help arrives. Not until they’re safe.”

Putting a hand on her shoulder, Sue takes a breath, closing her eyes and then looks down at Linda. “You said he was in a flooding car. It’s been twenty minutes since he’s said anything, Linda,” Sue says, holding her tongue between her teeth as she debates on reaching over and hanging up or letting it play out for Linda.

Taking her phone in hand, Maddie looks into the camera to unlock it. Going through the menus, she quickly brings up Buck’s contact page. Looking up from her phone, Maddie’s thumb hovers over his number as she watches Sue turn to Linda’s side.

“The line’s still open,” Linda pouts at Sue looking up at her while guarding her keyboard. Slowly, Linda turns her head away from Sue to look at her screens while bowing her head slightly. “I… I can’t.”

As Linda is not standing guard over her keyboard, Sue without even a hint of jerkiness in her hand presses the spacebar. The hollow tone cuts through all the sound in the centre as it rings through Maddie’s ears, the centre feels that much bigger, that much emptier and that much lonelier.

“It’s ok. Go take a break,” Sue says, after taking her hand away and Linda starts to cry.

After Linda walks off, Sue directs another person to take her place. With her thumb still hovering over Buck’s number, Maddie sees Sue nod to her and with every single part of her body screaming at her to call Buck, she puts her phone down giving Sue a smile that catches on her front teeth.

“I never thought I’d see you disconnect a call,” Maddie jests looking at Sue from the corner of her eyes, 

Taking a long sigh, that Maddie can feel too, Sue then speaks. “Water-resistant phones! They can keep working for thirty minutes after being submerged. Ain’t technology great?” Sue says then takes a big gasp of air. “How are you holding up?”

“I have both feet on dry land. I’ll be ok,” Maddie says, pairing it with a small nod.

“Good. This day’s not over,” Sue tells her, then gives her a small signal to get out of her chair.

Doing as she’s told. Maddie gets out of her chair and follows behind Sue. “Ok. What can I do?” Maddie asks, shoving her phone back into her pocket.

“You used to run an emergency room. Right?” Sue says, speeding walking to the head of the centre. “Well, that’s what this is. I need you on the floor with me, doing triage.”

“Ok, but we have a system in place to prioritise the calls,” Maddie says, standing next to Sue as they look over all of their colleagues.

“Not the call. I need you to triage them,” Sue says, making a wide sweeping gesture across the floor. “Make sure they’re doing ok. Identify where we can help, and be brutal about where we can’t. Be the bad guy, if you have to.”

“Like you did with Linda,” Maddie provides.

“Today is gonna take a toll,” Sue tells Maddie, watching all of them then looking to Maddie. “On all of us.”

Resting her hand on Maddie’s shoulder for a second Sue gives her a small, encouraging smile then walks away to the war room. Taking a deep breath, Maddie hopes to settle the rumblings within; telling her to check on her brother, the person she had spent most of her childhood raising, that she knows is safe, inland probably fast asleep, isolated from his life before the incident.

Making a forced exhale, Maddie starts her rounds. Walking down the middle, Maddie stops by each person listening to their calls for ten seconds while watching their brows for too much stress before moving onto the next one. About halfway down the line, she has to stop as the news has another breaking announcement that makes her heart jump into her mouth. Clenching her jaw, she turns to the nearest person that she had seen out of the corner of her eye struggling.

As he takes his head into his hands, Maddie taps on his shoulder and crouches down, so that both of them are eye to eye. “What is it?” She asks, gently rubbing his forearm.

“She’s just eight. Her mother is buried under a wall… and the firefighters are an hour away. She’s eight- years old and watching her mother die,” Winston whispers through his tears. Maddie can’t not think about Christopher, she was there the days after Shannon died-she had seen him sit in silence like he never had before, she had seen him cling to Buck and Eddie almost every minute of the day- she can’t imagine what seeing your mother die will do to a child.

Before Maddie can speak again, a shrinking violet of a voice comes out of Winston’s headset. “Winston! Winston, her eyes have gone weird and her breathing’s changed.” Through the phone, both Maddie and Winston hear a high pitched wet noise that all too well know is a death rattle.

“Stay with her as long as you need to then take a break,” Maddie tells him, gripping his forearm for a second then getting up and walking to the next person.

Walking back to the centre Maddies passes Linda. “Hey, you doing ok?”

“Yep. People need our help, so that’s what I’m gonna do,” Linda says, giving Maddie a strong nod.

“I think Ann needs a break,” Maddie tells her, pointing to the place.

As she is about to start walking again, she hears a call for her. “Code three. Tension pneumo.” Quick as her heels can carry her, Maddie walks to the side of the person who asked for her. “I sent the ambulance to St. Mary’s in Culver, but they’re tapped out.”

Going over all the information that she has, Maddie runs her tongue over her bottom lip. “Ok, and the three closet hospitals are flooded. What about UCLA?”

“They asked me to reroute three calls,” the trainee says, pulling up new tabs on his screens.

“Playa Vista’s gonna be your best bet,” She tells him as she feels her phone buzz against her thigh. She then gives the trainee a nod and starts to walk away while pulling her phone out of her pocket. “Hi. Chimney, you guys ok?”

“We’re fine but I’m hoping you can help me cut through some red tape. We have level ones but no place to send them.” Maddie hears Chimney say, feeling the same kind of giddy adrenaline running through him.

“We’re sending victims to every dry hospital we can find. We have a system in place,” Maddie says as she walks into the incident room.

She can hear the strain in Chimney’s voice. “Well, whoever’s in charge of that system is doing a terrible job,” Chimney says as Maddie can hear the sound of more ambulances.

Stopping in her tracks, Maddie gives a dirty look at the empty air. “That would be me,” Maddie tells him after a deep breath through her nose.

Through the phone, Maddie can hear the nervous giggle he makes. “A terribly good job under extremely difficult circumstances,” he quickly corrects and all Maddie wants to do is laugh. “The hospitals have recalled all their staff?”

“It's not about staff. They are flooded with staff. It’s about beds and space,” Maddie says in one breath then takes a big sigh. “What we need is a field hospital .”

“A triage closer to the water. Stabilize and move inland as beds open up,” Chimney agrees.

Looking up from the map Maddie is learnt over. “Wait. The VA hospital on Sawtelle,” Maddie says, connecting the dots in her mind as the speed in her voice picks up. “It’s not far from you and it’s out of the flood zone.”

“Why aren’t we sending patients now?” Chimney asks.

“Because it was decommissioned two months ago,” Maddie says biting her tongue.

“It’ll be totally empty,” Chimney says.

“Right,” Maddie says with a self-satisfied smile that Chimney can hear.

“Right,” Chimney says, understanding. “See? I told ya you were doing a great job.”

“Uh-huh. I’ll talk to Sue and see if we can make this happen,” She tells Chimney.

“Sounds good. Oh… one other thing. How are you?”

Hearing Chim’s question, Maddie moves to an alcove. “Honestly? Happy to hear your voice and weirdly grateful that my brother is missing a leg and he and his kid are nowhere near this nightmare. Is that wrong?” Maddie dumps out, still feeling like her whole body is engulfed by sheer dread.

“No. Not at all,” Chimney says. “After everything, anyone would feel that.”

Before Chimney can hang up Maddie speaks again. “There’s just…. Something… Is Eddie Ok?” Maddie asks after getting caught on her words.

“Yeah, he was fine when we left him and Bobby,” Chimney says then takes a breath. “Look Maddie, I gotta go.”

“Bye. Love you.”

“Love you, too, bye.”

Then Maddie walks out of the room to find Sue. She jogs past rows of her colleagues, taking a second to listen in to their calls. At the other end of the centre, Maddie finds Sue.

“I’ve had an idea,” Maddie tells her as she begins to walk in step with Sue. “What if we get the VA hospital on Sawtelle open and start sending people there, to get triaged. All the hospitals have enough staff.”

Stopping in her tracks, Sue looks at Maddie with her jaw slightly open then she closes it and gives Maddie a nod. “I’ll see what I can do,” Sue says then quickly walks away leaving Maddie with her shadow.

In Sue’s absence, Maddie resumes running triage across the room; stopping a couple of people on the left, she helps a woman who is stuck with a person who is having a panic attack in a car that won’t open. When she’s alone, Maddie carries on walking back up to the incident room.

As she is about to step into the room, Sue appears again. “I just got off the phone with the deputy mayor and State Emergency Services. They’re on board with the VA field hospital,” Sue says, very quickly that Maddie takes a few seconds to understand it.

“When will it be operational?” Maddie asks with logistics running in her mind.

“Well… Generators and cots are being sent over now. We can start routing patients they in an hour,” Sue tells Maddie as she walks off again.

“That’s great,” Maddie replies.

Turning back around Sue looks at Maddie. “Oh, can you call the ME corner and the Red Cross? Tell them body bags need to be sent to the VA. Five thousand to start,” Sue says almost flippantly as she walks away.

When she hears the number Maddie’s face falls, most of the people that were alive this morning will be in body bags, even if they were found at all. Just like her brother nearly was months ago.

Before that dread can sit in her anymore, Maddie feels her phone buzzing against her thigh. Shaking her head, as the number five thousand runs circles in her mind, Maddie takes out her phone seeing Isabel displayed across her screen. Knitting her brow and wetting her lips, Maddie presses the answer button.

“Maddie! Maddie!” Isabel howls. “Have you heard from Buck?”

“Aren’t they with you?” Maddie says, knitting more rows in her brow.

“No… Buck wanted Chris to have some fun. They… went to the pier this morning.”

It takes everything within Maddie to not drop her phone as every muscle in her body goes lax, the burning sensation on her skin begins to blister, the ache in her heart gets so strong that she can taste it.

“What?” Maddie says with her voice shaking as everything in her body cries out to protect him, her hand finds its way to her abdomen rubbing to soothe burning within her.

“I haven’t heard from them, Maddie,” Isabel tells her, every sound coming from her quivering.

All Maddie can do is close her eyes and try to swallow. Scrunching her eyes she digs deep within her and finds what she needs to get through today, Maddie then opens them again. “I’ll call someone, Athena. OK?”

After all, she can hear is silence and far away noises of the workings of the centre. With her hand shaking with all the power of an earthquake, Maddie scrolls through her contact list.

* * *

Athena is still holding onto May as she sobs into her neck, ten minutes later. Taking one hand off of May, Athena fishes around in her pocket for her phone. Stroking the back of May’s neck, Athena calls Micheal then places the phone on her shoulder, leaving her hands free.

“Micheal…. We were in a pile-up,” Athena says as May starts to sniffle.

“Are you ok?”

“Yeah. Yeah. We’re fine. Well, May’s got a cut on her forehead. I just need you to come pick us up,” she tells her ex-husband.

“Of course, where are you?” he asks.

Athena gives off the information and just fifteen minutes later, and Athena is sure of a couple of broken speed limits, Micheal there pulling up just to the side of them.

“What happened?” Micheal asks as he sees his daughter crying into her mother. 

“Not now,” Athena says, shaking her head.

“Does she need to go to the hospital?” Micheal asks Athena, staring at the stains of blood on her arms.

“The blood’s not hers. The paramedics checked her out. Mild concussion, nothing more,” Athena tells him, giving him a little eye contact.  
  
“She should still go to the hospital,” Micheal pleasantly argues.

“Micheal, the tsunami, she won’t be seen for hours. Let’s just get our girl home,” Athena says.

Micheal gives Athena a small nod then walks back to his car and opens the door. Slowly, Athena pulls May off her and together they shuffle forwards to the car. Without saying a word, May gets into the car and puts her seatbelt on, joining Athena gets in beside her holding her hand. Turning the key in the ignition, Micheal looks at the rearview mirror; seeing his daughter do nothing but have a neutral expression and rest her head on the window and Athena is doing the same but her face seems more pensive than May- next to him Harry looks to him with a small frown in silence. Not knowing what to do, Micheal looks away and starts the car.

Before May knows it they are back home, Micheal’s house as it was closer, only realising when Harry opens the door and walks through the front door. With her voice caught in a bear trap and her body as wooden as can be, May gets out of the car and follows Harry to walk inside the house.

Without their children, Micheal looks at Athena, too much written on his brow for anything to be legible. “‘Thena, what happened?”

Athena takes a giant breath, so big that it hurts before she looks back at Micheal over the car. “She stopped a woman from dying,” Athena states, taking another deep breath and then follows her kids in the house.

Both Harry and May are sitting on the sofa, May is curled on one corner and Harry is stretched across the cushions flicking through shows.

As her parents walk inside both of them take notice that May is shaking again. “May…” Micheal begins to say but May’s voice cuts him before he can say anymore.

“Dad, I’m fine,” May tells him but she doesn’t look at him, instead curls and uncurls her shaking hand.

Micheal goes to open his mouth again but Athena a hand on his bicep. As Micheal looks back to her she moves him into the kitchen. Taking his time looking at Athena, Micheal picks up a cloth and wets it under the tap and slowly he sits in front and begins to wipe the dried blood off May’s arm. When Micheal is done and returns to the kitchen with Athena, May quickly tucks her arms into her.

With the house being open plan, Athena dips to a whisper. “She’ll talk when she’s ready. For now, let’s get some sugar in her,”

Staring at her for a second, Micheal then nods and starts pulling a mug and some hot chocolate powder out. It takes about five minutes until Micheal has finished making the hot chocolate, taking longer as he and Athena are talking.

“She did all that herself?” Micheal asks after Athena has recounted all the details in mouse-like quiet.

“Yeah, she ours,” Athena says, a little proud and a little weary.

Jerking his head, Micheal gives a small smile and picks up the mug, placing it in front of cationic May. In automatic motion, May picks up the mug and starts sipping.

Moving back to Athena, Micheal realises that not once May has argued with Harry about what they are watching.

“Sorry, I haven’t asked how you are,” Micheal tells Athena, squeezing her hand.

“You know me. Don’t worry,” Athena, giving him a half-smile.

“That won’t stop me,” Micheal says, smiling back at her.

Together the two of them transition into a comfortable silence, sipping at their drinks. A couple of minutes later, they notice that May’s eyes are closed and her breathing has gotten a little shallower.

Looking at Athena, Micheal asks, “should we wake her?”

“No, she needs it,” Athena says after debating it in her mind.

“But what about… the concussion?” Micheal counters.

“Bobby said as long as it's mild and she’s got no pain. It’s ok to sleep as long as someone wakes her every few hours,” Athena tells him, running her over one another. “But lets get her into bed, hmm…”

Walking across the room, Micheal kneels down in front of May and taps on her knee. Blinking quickly, May comes out of fall sleep into a hazy half-sleep.

“What?” She shouts.

“Go to bed,” Micheal tells her.

Huffing May gets up and stumbles with her father following behind into her bedroom. As soon as her head hits the pillow, May is out like a light.

Micheal stops in the doorway watching May take even breaths, sleeping like she did when she was a little girl. Inhaling, Micheal pushes himself off the doorframe then as quiet as possible he shuts the door behind him. With sure steps, he walks back to Athena as she is leant against the counter watching Harry watching TV.

Stepping to Athena, her phone buzzes against the marble of the counter. He had been expecting her to get this call but he didn’t expect it would be so soon.

Slowly, Athena looks up from her phone to meet Micheal’s eyes and he gives a jerk of his head. In an instant, Athena has her phone pressed against her ear.

“Yes, this is she,” Athena says with her and Micheal’s eyes locked in a gaze. “An hour, yeah, I can be there.” Now looking away from Micheal, Athena puts her phone down.

“That quick, huh,” Micheal says, shaking his head and biting his tongue as he finishes speaking.

“Micheal…” Athena begins to whisper, trying to placate him.

Shrugging his shoulder and shaking his head, “sorry, I didn’t… mean it, like that. It’s just… that it’s dangerous and Bobby is already out there. I don’t want them to lose you two,” he whispers as the sound of Harry’s show dips.

“You really think the tsunami will get the better of me?” Athena asks, raising her eyebrows mirroring her tone.

“Hell no, you’re Athena Grant,” Micheal laughs, reaching out to hold her hand.

“You’re damn right,” She tells him.

A few seconds later, Athena’s phone buzzes again. Looking at the screen, her brow wrinkles and confusion rushes through her.

“Maddie, I’m not on duty yet,” Athena says, wrinkling her brow even further and all she hears is heavy breathing and sniffling. “Hey. Hey. What’s wrong?”

“Missing… Buck and Chris are missing,” Maddie manages to choke out.

“What?” Athena asks, stopping herself from shouting.

Hearing the distress in Athena’s voice, Micheal watches her with a keen interest. “Tell me,” he mouths at her but all she does is shake her head.

“Isabel took them. Chris wanted to go to the pier and Buck took him. But we haven’t heard from them since this morning,” Maddie says between her gulping breaths.

“Ok, Ok, um… I’m going in now and I’ll look for them, Ok,” Athena says, praying to everything she believes in that those boys are alive.

“I haven’t told… Eddie and Bobby. I just can’t,” Maddie tells her.

“Maddie, I get it. This isn’t...I get it,” Athena tells her, using the same tone she had with May earlier. “Keep your phone on you. Bye, Maddie.”

“Bye Athena,” Maddie says as Athena hears her sucking her sobs in.

Swallowing all the spit in her mouth, Athena just stares at Harry. If the worst has happened how is gonna with all the grief; Bobby’s, Eddie’s, Maddie’s, Hen’s, Chimney, Harry’s and her own. How is she gonna tell her youngest child that one of his friends is dead because all he wanted to do is have some fun?

“Who… What happened?” Micheal asks looking at Athena, who has never taken her eyes off their son.

“Buck and Chris were at the pier,” Athena says under her breath.

“Oh… “ That is all Micheal can say.

“Yeah,” Athena agrees and just stares at the back of Harry’s head. “Don’t tell him, they could be…”

“I won’t,” Micheal says.

“Or Bobby, if he calls don’t tell him,” Athena states. “I gotta go. I’ll call later.”

Athena moves around the kitchen in a settled silence- she looks to the screen when Harry changes what he’s watching and the news appears as she sees the face of the people rescued from the tsunami her fingers feel numb. Shaking her thoughts away, Athena is about to step out of the kitchen but Micheal grabs her arm.

“Of course. Can I borrow your car?” Athena asks, swallowing everything in her voice that wants to break for Buck and Chris. Looking away for a second, Micheal fishes around in her pocket and hands her the keys. “When May wakes up, tell her I love her,” Micheal gives her a nod and lets go of her arm.

Athena walks behind Harry and places a kiss in his hair. “Love you, Harry. I’ll see you tomorrow or the day after.”

“Love you too, Mom,” Harry says, looking at her then back to the TV again.

Quickly, Athena leaves Micheal and Harry in Micheal’s car. In the silence, driving to work, everything begins to hit her, her chest is so tight that the cage around her lungs is cutting into her heart. There’s a very good chance that the last time she saw Buck and Chris is the last time she is ever going to see them alive. The numbness in her fingers is starting to work it’s way up her arms, her heart is beating loud in her ears and taste grief in her mouth, it’s choking her and with its black tentacles in her throat is curling into her lungs, brain and heart.

* * *

Lena and Eddie are wading in the water, in a kind of silence that is known to them and usually comfortable for them but with their earlier argument influencing them, it is just a little uncomfortable.

Around them, the sky is starting to darken and the more they walk the more the water is beginning to recede. The silence moves with them, only punctured by the sounds of breathing.

After a couple more steps, Lena holds her side even more and takes a deep breath. Stopping in his tracks, Eddie watches Lena as she stares back at him, shifting her weight while holding her ribs again. Looking back at him, Lena gives him a small nod.

Lena takes another deep breath but this time it is weighted and Eddie raises his eyebrow. “You don’t seem like the type of person who’d be…” Lena says, trying to hide her breathing among the conversation.

“Gay…?” Eddie questions, beginning to laugh while wrinkling his brow.

“No…” Lena states, curling the corner of her mouth, hissing as another wave of pain hits her. “Out.”

“Oh,” Eddie says, scratching his neck as he remembers how his father’s face looked when his sister announced his relationship.

“What’s it like? Being out at work?” Lena asks, moving from side to side and hissing.

“Uhh… the same. Nothing really changed. It’s not like Bobby would allow that,” Eddie says, taking his tongue between his teeth as he remembers the light ribbing he and Buck got from the rest of the station.

“Coop, wouldn’t either….doesn’t,” Lena says, walking a little slower.

“Dating someone from your station is harder though. All the forms and meetings,” Eddie says as he runs his fingers over his bracelet.

“When did you tell them?” Lena asks, closing her eyes for a second as another wave courses through her.

“Didn’t have to. The whole station caught us making out in the cleaning cupboard,” Eddie laughs.

“Seriously? “ Lena laughs then stops, coughing instead as Eddie nods. “Don’t make me laugh, Diaz. What happened?”

“Nothing, apart from a few congratulations and pats on the back. Buck is everyone’s little brother and Bobby’s favourite, so he didn’t really care,” Eddie says, stepping over things built high in the way.

Hissing again, Lena moves around but doesn’t stop walking. “How’s he coping? Buck?” she asks, gritting her teeth. 

Tensing his jaw, Eddie looks out of the corner of his eyes straight ahead. “How any firefighter would,” Eddie states, shaking his head as he thinks about collapsing in his bed tonight where he would spend hours watching Buck and Chris sleep, he would be safe in the knowledge and the proof that his boys are alive.

“So. Not at all,” Lena states. At her words, Eddie looks away and the burn in his mouth. Shannon, Buck and Chris are all down to him, his inability to his job of protecting them, being the man he needs to be. “Sorry,” Lena says, seeing how much Eddie’s face has contorted.

“It’s fine. It’s just a lot with the news and every firefighter that recognises what station I belong to asks. And they want to hear a good story and I don’t have one,” Eddie says, shrugging his shoulders and biting his lip.

“I just wanted to focus on something other than my ribs. We can talk about something else,” Lena says, looking at how far in the distance is the hospital. 

“The weather, today, huh?” Eddie asks, look up at the sky, that looks like it’s bleeding with the red-painted against the increasing black.

“So good. Wish I had the day off, I could be sunbathing,” Lena says, forcing herself not to laugh.

Eventually, with darkness around them, they end up at the VA hospital. The lights from the makeshift building look like stars painted across the dark sky and Eddie can feel in his soul that the day is nearly over, in a couple of hours he’ll be in bed at Abuela’s house- lying next to Buck wishing he could touch him. Eddie knows that even just being near Buck will wash away this day.

As they get closer to the hospital, the sound is deafening, loud and chaotic, and Eddie feels like he’s back in the army. Next to him, Lena takes a deep breath making Eddie come out of his head and walk up to a woman standing at the table. The flashing lights from the ambulances colour the world in front of them. Putting an arm around Lena as she takes a misstep, he leads her into the folly of the outside hospital. 

“Hey. Hey! My friend‘s got at least one broken rib and showing signs…” Eddie takes another breath she hissed through.

Cutting him off the nurse says, “can I get your names for the list?”

At her words, Lena sucks in another hissing breath and surges forward taking the clipboard out of her hands. “You have a list?” she asks.

“Excuse me!” The nurse shouts while HIPPA runs through her head.

“Lena! Lena,” Eddie shouts, taking the clipboard away from her and giving back to the woman. “First we get you fixed up, then you spiral out. I’m Eddie Diaz. This is Lena Bosko,” he says as the woman writes down their names.

As soon as the woman looks up, Lena holds herself tighter and leans forward. “Have you seen a Ronnie Cooper on that list? Fire Captain, station one-thirty-six.”

The woman quickly flips through her stack of paper. “I haven’t. Head inside and someone will be with you,” she states then walks to where she’s being called.

With pain running up her side and that fact that Coop isn’t there yet, the fact that he has even more people waiting at home for him, Lena looks at Eddie with a frown across her face. Gently, Eddie puts his hand in the middle of her back and points to the entrance of the hospital. Driving Lena, by supporting her wincing frame, Eddie moves the both of them into the hospital passing so many people inside and out. As they get closer to the desk, they are greeted by loud sounds of coughing and a mother comforting her child.

At the desk, Lena moves herself out of Eddie’s grip to lean on the desk. “Ok, Diaz, you got your wish. I’m here. You don’t have to babysit me,” Lena says, giving him an incredulous look.

“I get it. If my Captain was out there…” Eddie tries to say.

“Coop’s not just my Captain, ok? He believed in me. He made me who I am,” Lena says.

And Eddie begins to think about Bobby and Buck but his train of thought is quickly derailed as the boy just across from them keeps coughing. At the sounds, Eddie stops paying attention to Lena and his mind races, as all the medical training he has comes back to him, giving him diagnoses and to hop into action.

When she doesn’t get a reply, Lena follows Eddie gaze then looks back at him. “He remind you of your son?” She asks.

“I guess a little,” Eddie replies, still watching the boy cough. “Not really.”

“Sorry about his Mom. Must be rough dealing with that and Buck,” Lena says, looking at Eddie watching the boy.

Now, the boy’s coughing is more violent but it sounds weaker. Immediately, it all falls into place for Eddie, he rushes forward.

“Kyle, what’s wrong?” The boy’s mother asks as Eddie crosses the walkway.

“He’s drowning,” Eddie shouts as he moves the boy to the floor.

“What?” The mother shouts confused.

Kyle continues to cough and all Lena can do is watch as Eddie does the dance of saving lives.

Taking his flashlight out of his pocket, Eddie pushes Kyle’s mouth open; using the flashlight to look down, his elbows are touching his thighs as he hunches over the boy’s body. As the light shows what he needs it to, Eddie pulls out a leaf as Kyle gurgles and spits out water.

Just above his shoulder, Eddie can hear the mother in his ear reciting, “oh, my god. Oh, my god.”

Pivoting, Eddie reaches behind and fumbles for the oxygen tank. As quick as he can manage, Eddie places the mask over his nose and mouths. “Short breaths. Kyle. Nice and easy. Nice and easy. All right, on three,” Eddie says as more people join him at Kyle’s sides. Looking at the people around him, Eddie counts down, “one, two, three.” Then Kyle is whisked away to X-ray.

Moving to his side, Lena watches the boy disappear behind the doors. “Delayed secondary drowning,” Lena states, clearly impressed. “I’ve never seen one of those. Good catch.”

A doctor comes in front of Eddie. “You a paramedic?” He asks.

“No, but I was a medic in the service,” Eddie answers.

“In case you couldn’t tell. We are severely short-staffed. Any chance you could-“

“Sure, just point me where to wash up,” Eddie says the doctor points behind him.

Eddie walks to walks to the sink and quickly washes up. The doctor that was talking to Eddie takes Lena into a cubicle. As he walks back into the reception area, Eddie sees the doctor pull the curtain across, he and Lena manage to have a little eye contact and nod at each other.

Stretching over the desk, Eddie picks up a list. Then with the information going round in his mind, he walks to the cots outside. As he begins to treat people, Eddie feels the cold hitting his skin and he can’t wait to get to the warmth of his Abuela’s house, the warmth of being in the same bed as Buck… and the cold of not being able to touch him, the warmth of hearing his son laugh. Moving to the next person; wrapping gauze around the cut, Eddie wants to tell Buck about his day. When he gets back to his boys, he is going to make sure Buck gets what he needs and that Chris wouldn’t ever need to worry again.

He is going to be the man his family needs.

* * *

“Ok, let’s hit it,” Bobby shouts from his seat in the mail truck, once he’s assured that everyone who needs to be is in one of the vehicles. As the engine turns over, Bobby is able to see that a trail has begun to light, speeding into a mountain of flammable things. Before he can pull the back of the truck down, it lights sending a massive fireball that caresses his skin with its heat, into the sky boiling like the sun is space.

Through his radio on his chest, Bobby hears Chimney’s voice. “Hey, Cap, you all ok back there?”

“Yeah, we got kissed a bit, but we’re fine,” Bobby says, looking across from him, almost startled that Buck isn’t opposite him.

There is something rumbling deep within his stomach, and Bobby knows that his mind should be wholly on the job but all he can think about is Buck. It was only a few days since he had seen Buck, the kid that he first met that needs as much looking after as he needed someone to take care of.

In the other mail truck, Chimney feels his phone buzz against his thigh, he knows that it’s something he should check as at work he only has notifications on for the Buckley siblings. Without looking away from the windscreen he drops his phone in Hen’s lap. “That was too close,” Chimney says, half huffing and half laughing, looking at Hen for just a second.

“Wait, watch out,” Hen shouts, seeing the crowd in front of her.

Reaching, Chimney slams on the breaks, making the tyre screech with the forced friction. With both of their mouths open, they see hoards of people walking towards them. Hen has to quickly bite her tongue as the dumb comment from Buck never comes.

“We’re gonna need a bigger truck,” Chimney says, filling the prolonged silence but it doesn’t hit the same way Buck’s would or even Eddie’s would if his head wasn’t stuck at home.

A silence falls again, leaving the air empty, filling it with the absence of their little brother. Sobs and coughs imprison the silence pulling them out of their reprieve. Quickly, Hen looks down at Chimney’s phone and her face falls. “Shit!” Is all Hen can say about the message.

“What?” Chimney asks, looking at her.

“Let’s get them sorted first,” Hen says, trying and failing to keep the wobble out of her voice while pointing at the people in front of them. “Then I’ll say, everyone needs to hear this.”

“Ok,” Chimney hesitates and looks at Hen out of the side of his eyes. Pressing on his radio, Chimney moves his head towards it. “Bobby, we got a crowd here. We need a plan,” Chimney tells his Captain, still side-eyeing Hen as she keeps reading the message over and over.

“Chim, Hen, come out,” Bobby says, his voice crackling through the radio.

Both of them get out of the mail truck and walk to Bobby. “People, people. We’re making a plan,” Bobby addresses the crowd, before turning into the circle his squad has formed. “Ideas anyone?”

“We take all the most serious injured that we can take and we’ll call for reinforcements,” Chimney tells Bobby, speaking up, then keeps the rest of the squad waiting for his next words as he looks to Hen expectantly.

“So… Chim got a text from Maddie, it’s about Buck,” Hen says, letting the implication hang in the air by its neck.

“Ok…” Bobby says letting the sentence end with a huff, a bit annoyed that Hen is distracting from the job even if it is about Buck.

Looking around to everyone’s eyes, feeling a bubble in her throat, Hen can feel in her soul how much she doesn’t want to do this. “This is serious. Um…” Hen says, blowing out through her nose. “Maddie said that Buck and Chris were at the pier. No-one has heard from them since this morning. And Eddie doesn’t know,” she tells everyone, looking down and grazing her lips with her teeth.

“Jesus… Kids can’t catch a break,” one of the other firefighters spits out.

Standing taller, holding his head high; Bobby looks every one of his crew in their eyes. “Look, I get what everyone is feeling, I do, but we have a job to do,” Bobby demands, just as much for himself as for his crew. “Besides they could be here, but we have a job to do.”

Nodding to his crew as they begin to flutter into action, Bobby turns to the crowd. “People, we have a plan. We just need your cooperation. We will be assessing you based on need, only the worst people will come with us and the rest of you will be picked up by back up. Or if you feel well enough, you can walk to the VA hospital.” As he is shouting Bobby looks out into the hoard, hoping to see Buck’s eyes staring back at him but he doesn’t.

_But he doesn’t._

* * *

It has been hours since Athena has gotten off her call with Maddie, She has been looking everywhere she has been assigned but she hasn’t seen hide nor hair of Buck and Chris. The same sickness she had felt when May was about to step in the shocking water is her stomach but now it is burning into her mouth. No matter how she tries to swallow that feeling, Athena knows that something is deeply wrong with Buck and Chris.

Her fingers tap on the steering wheel as she drives along the road, passing new structures of trash. Listening to her gut, Athena pulls into a street and gets out of the car with a flashlight patrolling the street. She quickly sends two people to safety and comes across a fire Captain trapped under a car, he directs to get tools from one of the houses on the street.

Walking back to the Captain, Athena looks high in the sky as she rolls her shoulders back and takes sure light steps to him. Standing beside his legs, Athena sets out the tools and the bottle of vodka she had collected from the house.

Seeing all of the things she had brought, the Captain lifts his head, looking at the collection then at Athena. Feeling his eyes on her, Athena looks back at him with squinted eyes.

“You weren’t specific,” Athena exasperates, shaking her at the MacGyverism of firefighters. “It’s bad enough that I looted somebody’s house. I wasn’t about to come back with the wrong thing.”

Assessing all tools, the Captain quickly comes to a decision. “Use the shears. Bone’s already broken, so you're just cutting soft tissue. Maybe a tendon or two,” the Captain says, with nothing but emotionless thought colouring his voice. 

“Don’t say just,” Athena tells him, the corner of her lips turning down and the skin around her nose wrinkling, as she still can’t get Buck off her mind and aware of much a few seconds of a bone saw and a scalpel had done to his life. “Take it from me. There’s nothing just about cutting off somebody’s limb.”

“I’d have thought somebody who reached the rank of Sargent would have seen worse than this,” the Captain says, a little dazed at how much disgust is on her face.

Rolling her eyes, Athena can see for a moment Buck’s outburst at her dining table. “Seen? Yeah, contributed? That’s more my husband’s domain,” Athena says as she pours the alcohol over the shears.

“What is he, a doctor?” he asks.

“Fire Captain like yourself, Bobby Nash, Station one-eighteen,” Athena tells him, looking up from the shears for a second.

“Uh… One-eighteen. The kid, right?” The Captain asks, it all clicking into place. “You know him?”

Athena doesn’t say anything in reply but gives a tight-lipped nod. “I have a kid that trained with him. Said he’s good people,” Coop tells her as he watches a whole array of emotions cross her face.

“One of the best. Last person that deserved it,” Athena tells him, shaking her head a little.

Seeing her expression, Coop gives a snort of agreement and tries to ignore the pluses of pain running through him. ”What’s your name?” he asks Athena.

“Athena. Athena Grant.”

“Ronnie Cooper, station one-thirty-six,” he says, huffing through pain and nausea building within him as he sees that Athena has finished sanitising the shears. “You may wanna get started. The arm’s not going to amputate itself,” he tells her.

“That’s not funny, Ronnie,” she tells him, using the strength of being an officer of the law to steady her voice. “Do you have somebody you wanna call before we do this?” Athena asks; remembering, knowing how much Buck’s amputation has changed Eddie’s and Buck’s relationship. “Your wife?”

“No, Ellen already knows I’m missing by now. If something went wrong, it’ll be like I died twice,” he tells her, shaking his head while taking struggling breaths that get caught at the back of his throat.

Athena crosses the space, getting as close as she can to the tourniquet on Ronnie’s arm. Seeing the blood painted on the silver of the car, Athena feels her stomach turn at the sight and smell; it is just like earlier today with May or just a couple of months ago when she had to get the stench of Buck’s blood out of Bobby’s uniform.

Anticipating what’s going to happen next, Ronnie reaches across to the car and with a strong grip he takes the vodka bottle to his mouth, gulping it down to mute his rocket-fueled brain and spilling it under him.

As he is putting back the bottle, Athena takes her notebook as she squishes herself into a corner. “Here. Bite down on this,” she tells him, holding out the leatherbound notebook then placing it inside his open mouth.

Ronnie quickly takes it, biting as hard down as he can, feeling the cutting before it’s even started.

Steadying her hand, Athena tightens her grip on their shears. Moving slowly, it is a couple of seconds before the blades are at the right place to begin their destruction. As even more of that feeling trails up her body, Athena turns her head upwards and starts to recite the same whispered prayer that she had done at Buck’s bedside in the hospital...

Then she begins to cut.

It makes a sickening wet sound, cutting sound that Athena’s gut recoils at. The sound is a type of sound that echoes in the humid night. With each compression of the handles, Athena feels the resistance of Ronnie’s flesh. It is a reminder that the meat she is cutting into belongs to a living person. The next cut makes Ronnie wince out loud and Athena looks down at him, only to see tears pooling in his eyes. With only one last cut to make, Athena looks to Ronnie and he gives a short confirmatory nod.

Squelching with violent effort, clenching her teeth, Athena cuts through the lone tendon.

No amount of alcohol dulls the pain and even through his gag, Ronnie makes a blood-curdling scream.

About twenty minutes later, an ambulance turns up, the paramedics sprint into action. Treating Ronnie, they quickly get around him, doing even more to stem the bleeding.

When they are loading Ronnie into the stretcher, one of the paramedics turns to Athena. “You coming with us, Sargent?”

“No, I’ll give you an escort to the hospital,” Athena tells them, rubbing her soaked hands on her pants.

* * *

With the moment passed, Buck with the strangers’ help manages to get up on his only leg. Unable to maintain it, Buck searches behind and finds the hood of a car to sit on.

Right now his breathing is big, deep breaths, his lungs pulled as wide as they can be and his brain is working at lightning speed trying to decide what to do next. While his mind flies from one thought to the next; Chris pushes his cold, shivering head into Buck’s neck. Only some of his blue hue has disappeared since he had been in the cocoon of Buck’s warmth and the wrap. Shaking his head, Buck puts his hand in his pocket as he does so his body registers an incessant poking in his side but all he finds is an empty pocket.

Now with no way to talk to Eddie or Maddie or Bobby, Buck’s eyes begin to burn, he needs someone, he needs them. Just before tears can run out of his eyes, Chris shuffles against him and the crowd begins to move.

Feeling the fire in his veins blocking everything else, Buck gets up and uses the stuff around him to limp with the crowd but he remains a few meters behind the majority. A woman was on the firetruck with Buck and Chris, keeps looking back to them.

“Sir, do you need any help? I can take your kid?” The woman asks, stopping in her tracks as Buck’s gap between him and the crowd gets wider.

Even the concept of being away from Chris makes the inside of Buck cold and his skin crawl. “No, I’m... We’re ok,” he tells her, holding onto the straps over his shoulders.

She looks at how far away all the others are then back to Buck and the head of hair that she can only see of Chris. Seeing the translucent skin stretched across his face and the way he doesn’t seem to notice his body tense with each breath and how the child’s skin is almost as blue as the sea was a couple of hours ago.

“Can I walk with you?” she asks, Buck gives a short, jerky nod as he crosses the gap of two things he’s using to support himself. “My name is Maria, yours?”

“Buck. Evan but everyone calls me Buck,” he tells her as Chris’ hand curls around his throat.

“Nice to meet you, Buck,” Maria smiles at him but stops when she hears another of his breaths catch.

“You too, Maria,” Buck tries to smile back but his mind quickly turns to how Eddie will look at him with even more scratches and scars, will Eddie pull away even more than he does now, how angry he’s going to be that he is the one that put Chris in harm’s way. The more he thinks the more crowded his head feels, it’s like a bomb on a countdown, readying to completely destroy him.

Up ahead headlights appear, bathing the even bigger crowd in sickly yellow light, that makes Buck want to rip open his skull that his brain is growing out of. The crowd stops moving but there is rumbling amongst them but that is quickly stopped by a loud, booming voice.

“People, we have a plan,” the disembodied voice days and something in Buck knows that he should recognise it but there is this throbbing in his head that makes Buck want to scream, so unable to stay on one train of thought for very long the words just wash over him.

Maria, however, hears the whole speech as she watches Buck hold his head and rock, sitting down with a thud and his breathing coming out in a wet wheeze. “Maybe we should get you to them. You look like you could use it,” Maria tells Buck as he takes another wet wheeze of breathing.

“No, no. I can wait,” Buck says, shifting in his seat, the throbbing in Buck’s head getting worse, spots in his vision starting to appear, and that poking sensation in his ribs, getting bigger, digging into every cell of his body, as the fire in his blood begins to die down. All of a sudden, he can feel his heartbeat all over his body, feel the struggle for every breath and he wants to wail at the stabbing pain in his side that enhances with every breath.

Next to him, he can feel Chris shifting in his sleep and that helps to settle his mind just a little, letting some of the tension in his jaw fall away.

Then just for a second, not any longer, Buck’s vision disappears.

With all the bending down and swimming and jumping, Eddie's knees are aching as he is treating the woman in front of him. Using a pair of tweezers, Eddie picks out as much gravel as he can out of her open wound on her leg. 

Once he is done treating her, Lena appears behind him in a towering shadow. On the balls of his feet, Eddie turns around to her then in a swift movement he stands up, so he now has the height advantage.

“You all fixed up?” he asks with a raised eyebrow gesturing to her side.

“All taped up, pain killed and raring to get back out,” She tells him, easily matching his tone.

For a second, Eddie looks to the side and shakes his head, “You gotta be kidding me,” he says, wanting to laugh.

“My Captain ‘s still out there,” Lena tells Eddie, her voice gaining a small edge.

“There are people looking for him,” he says, narrowing his eyes

“There’s one more,” she replies, pressing her lips together.

“You’re stubborn,” Eddie laughs, looking up at the sky.

“You can try to stop me, if you wanna know exactly what two broken ribs feel like,” Lena dares, arching her eyebrows.

“Fine, but you need to sign out,” Eddie tells her, raising his arms defensively. Nodding to the person he’s just treated, Eddie follows Lena to the table with the intake and outtake sheet.

Shifting from foot to foot as Lena waits in line, Eddie sees a phone in the lost and found box that has a case that he knows. He is sure he knows. Feeling his stomach drop, Eddie, constantly swallowing, walks forward on numb feet. With each step closer the more his gut stirs as the photos on the case get clearer. Now with his hand just hovering above the phone, he sees it staring back at him, a collage; of him, Buck and Chris, Maddie and the squad. His hand is shaking more than a leaf in a storm, Eddie picks up the phone and feels the heavy dead weight in his ice-cold hands. Already, Eddie can feel the ghost of his heart that he’ll have to live with if they’re gone.

As the screen flashes between the water damage, with more than a hundred missed calls, Eddie feels his mouth coat with vomit and his vision blur with tears. Every cell in his body is demanding he let go, fall to the floor, scream for anyone to find them, but all that training from his father and the army keeps him standing, telling him he has a job to do.

In the space the phone has left, there is a strip of photos- the face of the adult is completely gone as the water has smeared his colour across the photo- that he can see is Chris and the adult is wearing a t-shirt he can remember buying in Texas. Gently, even though he can’t feel his fingers and his eyes are burning, Eddie picks up the strip and from under it another picture unfolds and both Chris and Buck are staring at him smiling, looking more like they then they have done in months.

Stroking their faces, Eddie smiles but it is the same kind of smile that you give when your whole world is going belly up, all he wants to do is find them, that’s what he should do now, as someone coughs he looks up and sees the sea of body bags in front of him. Like a rabbit going into a burrow, Eddie’s mind quickly turns to, ‘they’re ok. They have to be ok.”

Then behind him, a siren blares and Lena turns to it in an instant. Abandoning her place in line, Lena follows Eddie to his place where they can both see the person exiting.

At first, a woman steps out of the police car in front of it, Eddie immediately knows it’s Athena, now that she’s here Eddie’s body wants to run to her and scream for help, he knows he’d been safe with her, she would make sure that they would be found but his minds holds strong keeping him contained as he walks closer.

As he gets nearer to her, Eddie sees her arms are covered in blood. “Hey! Athena!” he shouts as he begins to run with his arms out by his hips.

“It’s not my blood, It’s his,” Athena tells Eddie, holding out her hands to his chest. Still, with no news about Eddie’ boys, Athena has to struggle against the stiffness in her head knowing in a few seconds after everything this man has been through, he will have to hear that his partner and child are in mortal danger.

Staying back from the two people who obviously know each other, Lena watches on waiting for Eddie to finish. Then she sees the man come out of the ambulance, she only needs to see a foot to know that it’s Coop. “Coop? Ronnie, can you hear me?” She asks, seeing all the tubes connected to him, for a second she looks to Eddie with a nod then continues on with Ronnie through the doors.

Swallowing all the spit in her mouth, Athena looks to Eddie as her heart clamours against her ribcage. “Eddie, I need to…” But Athena never gets to finish.

Eddie knows what she is going to say, his whole body is fighting against all he wants to do is fall into her and cry until she brings them back alive and well to him if anyone could do that it would be Athena Grant, but no matter what he knows if he hears it’ll be real, Buck and Chris will actually be missing.

“Actually, Athena, I’ve got to go put an arm in a sling,” Eddie tells her, walking away quickly.

The silence is a solemn one that can be heard in both trucks. No one can find the words, to assure them, to lighten the atmosphere or even just to talk as they did before they knew.

Slowly, but as fast as they can safely, they are driving to the VA hospital. With more complex patients, Hen and Chimney are now in the back of the truck keeping an eye on pluses and readying to jump into the next emergency. Bobby is sitting driving, his knuckles are white around the steering wheel, what the hell is he going to tell Eddie? With his eyes burning, Bobby knows what it will do to him to attend another one of his children’s funerals, another funeral for a child that lights up the whole world.

Then all too quickly, spending most of the time in his mind, they arrive at the hospital. The one that Eddie is at, where he’s going to have to tell him that Buck and Chris are missing.

Expecting them, doctors and nurses crowd around their vehicles. One by one, each person goes off and his team goes with them. Alone, he is left with the duty of what he has to tell Eddie.

With ice in his veins making his whole body shiver, Bobby pushes his chair backwards stretching out his arms in front of him and with all the weight he has been carrying his head drops down between his shoulders. Bobby has to take a couple of breaths to try and quell the invading tears that come with imaging how Eddie will look, imaging the kind of flowers that will decorate Buck and Chris’ coffins, all while knowing all the feelings he will have to make Eddie have in moments. 

Squaring his jaw, Bobby gets out of the cab and begins to pad into the hospital with only one mission in mind. There are blinkers around his eyes and a pounding in his ears that narrows his view of the world that he doesn’t even register passing Athena.

Athena knows Bobby is there before she even sees him, the rhythmic placement of steps are well known to her. Waiting Athena watches Bobby walk past her, as he does so Athena sees the expression his face is wearing. Both his brow and lips are twisted, his dark brown eyes are flighty shifting from side to side. Speed walking to match Bobby, Athena dodges, like a quarterback with a tackle, the stretcher and the hordes of people in her way. Once she is in step with Bobby, Athena calls out and rests her hand on the small of his back. The second that he registers the existence of his wife, his whole back loses some of its tension.

“Athena…” Bobby breaths out, exhaustion rolling off him, so low that the sound gets lost in the black night air.

“Bobby…” she says back, reaching out to hold his face and to try to pull the blinkers away.

Putting his hands on her wrists, Bobby pulls Athena’s hands away from his face and brings his nose to rest against hers. Bobby can feel Athena’s hot breath on his face, that just makes the ice in his veins even colder. “I don’t… I can’t…” Bobby struggles to say, looking into Athena’s eyes.

“Bobby, we need to tell him, the rest can come after. There’s people looking for them,” Athena tells Bobby, running her fingers across the back of his head. Taking his hand in his, Athena backs out of their hold. “C’mon, he should be done by now.”

Walking hand in hand, Athena and Bobby move out of the night into the harsh fluorescent lighting of the hospital.

Eventually, after a couple of minutes, they find Eddie sitting in an empty bed, looking at a white blank wall with glassy, ghostly white eyes.

Bobby has to walk in front of Eddie for his eyes to glow in recognition. Rubbing his throat with his eyes fixed on Eddie, Bobby tries to find the right words to say that will tell Eddie the worst information of his life. Athena has her arms crossed in front of her as her mouth fills with so much saliva.

As Eddie really sees Bobby and Athena, then his face hardens then softens and settles back to the face he was wearing earlier.

Bobby crouches down so that he and Eddie are eye to eye. “Eddie, I need you to look at me.” Slowly, with every movement getting caught Eddie does so. “I need to tell you something…”

Bobby is quickly stopped when Eddie looks away and digs into his pocket. With a trembling hand and his eyes wells of tears, Eddie places the strips of photos and Buck’s phone in his lap. So that both Bobby and Athena can see them. “I already know. They were at the pier,” Eddie says as his voice bubbles and he battles against it.

“Eddie…” Athena looks at him, with her dripping in compassion.

To Eddie, it sounds as it did when people came round after Shannon died. Standing up as straight as possible the same posture he had in the army, he shakes his head and begins to walk away. “They’re fine. They’re fine,” Eddie repeats, walking back into the night.

“Eddie…” Athena warns as she and Bobby follow him outside.

Behind them, Chimney and Hen, see only Bobby and Athena. “Bobby, did you find…?” Chimney begins to ask but stops before he can finish when he sees Eddie with a clenched jaw and shaking. 

“Oh..” Hen whispers, “Eddie, I’m sorry.”

Eddie takes a breath, and for a blip his facade falls but he can hear his father’s voice in his head again. “They’re fine. It’s Buck and Chris, they’re fighters, they’re alive. They have to be. If they aren’t, I don't know what I'll do if they aren’t.”

Unable to walk any further with the thing in his side, his head ready to explode, no leg and his stump burning from the salt from the seawater has left behind, Buck sits on the ground, waiting for help to come to him now. On his back, Chris is still asleep, pressed into any skin to skin contact with Buck but Buck can still feel Chris’ cold breath on his neck and shivering of his muscles. Next to him, Maria is sitting, watching him with a surveying eye that looks into the distance then back at him.

Buck, looking at the night sky- so much more peaceful then the rest of the world- wonders how Eddie is. He knows how Eddie will be now and he’d be with the squad, they would do all they could for him, so he can keep both feet on the ground but they wouldn’t be able to get into the corners of his mind- the one where all the lessons of what he should be are stored- like he could, well, like he used to. Even with the pounding in his head, all Buck wants to do is get both he and Chris back into Eddie’s arms, let him know that they are safe, if Eddie would let him, all he wants to do is feel him again. If Eddie will have him.

With his heart echoing in his ears and the world becoming more and more dreamlike with every passing second, Buck looks up ahead for help, for something to get him home. But for a while there isn’t any and the pounding in his gets louder like he’s next to a speaker, and every time he breathes he feels like he’s underwater and pain flares out from his ribcage. Eventually, after too long, a couple of fire trucks, ambulances and one army truck bleed onto the scene.

As quick as they can, the new team assembles. They separate into groups and wade into the crows. Buck can feel the cloud and in every part of his body and feel all the pain in his body is experiencing, each individual one from; his head to his side to his stump to his leg that doesn’t even exist anymore, and in a second his eyes go white and bloodshot.

Seeing this Maria stand up. “Please, we need help, here.”

Hearing, two women clad in paramedic gear run to her, Buck and Chris. The first woman, black with short-cropped hair, bends down and shines a light in Buck’s eyes but just as fast as the white started Buck’s pupils look back at her. Still standing, the other woman tries to assess Chris from where he’s buried in Buck.

“I’m fine, just a headache,” Buck tells him, shaking his head as breath comes out of his nose in a sucking snort.

“What’s your kid’s name?” the standing woman asks.

Looking up at her, Buck squints as the words get lost en route between his memory and his mouth. “Uh… Um… Chris.”

The crouching woman shifts her eyes to the scratches on Buck’s head and the woman remains glued to Chris.

“He’s ok. I made sure,” Buck tells them, pushing away, scrabbling backwards as the voice in his head says, ‘no you didn’t. You gave and nearly left him. Left him to die.’

Buck’s eyes follow the light looking away from the standing woman, who is starting to see the blue hue on Chris’ skin. “That’s good, but can I see him?” she asks, starting to reach out.

“No!” Buck shouts, jumping away so violently that pain from his ribcage rips through him and his head is under so much pressure that he’s seeing stars. It is his job, his job as Chris’ parent to keep him safe, he’s the only one apart from Eddie that has to keep him safe. Maybe if he keeps Chris safe, Eddie won’t be as angry, maybe he’ll even let him touch him.

The standing woman steps back and holds her hands out. “Ok, ok...ok.”

The crouching woman puts her light away and looks to her colleague. The two have a quick silent conversation that ends with a jerky nod.

“He’s got a broken arm and…” Buck says but is cut off before he can finish.

“How do you know that?” one of the women asks.

“I’m…” Buck says, but the pounding his head gets stronger like a beat at a rave. If his head wasn’t so crowded, the words would still get caught on his tongue, he would still have to tell them what destroyed him. “I used to be a firefighter.”

“Ok.. that’s good. Can I check your pulse?” the woman says, keeping his eyes shut Buck nods his head and holds out his arm. Putting on the oximeter on his finger, the crouching woman watches the numbers on the screen then looks to the other woman. “Tachy and with his breathing…” the woman says, letting the implication swing in the air. “The kid, too.”

“Yeah, I agree. We’ll take all of them in the ambu.”

“I’m not… We only met today,” Maria tells the woman.

“It doesn’t matter, you’ll be going to the hospital, anyway,” the standing woman tells Maria.

“I’m an...amputee,” Buck struggles out. “I can’t stand. My leg broke ‘cause of the water.”

“I’ll bring the ambulance,” the standing woman says, then walks off.

Only a few seconds later, the ambulance pulls in front of them. In quick succession, the woman gets out of the can and runs over to Buck, both women get their arms under his armpits and lift his light body onto the stretcher, then he is pushed into the ambulance. Behind them Maria gets into the ambulance, sitting in one of the chairs.

Buck’s breathing has picked up, his breaths are quicker almost panting while wet sounds colour every single one of them.

Reaching over Buck, one of the women pulls out a bottle and a syringe. She fills the syringe to fifteen millimetres then directs Buck to open his mouth, he does so and she pushes the liquid into his mouth.

Barely noticing, Buck’s body moves with the sway of the ambulance as the vehicle drives to the hospital. 

After a few minutes, they are at the hospital and as the doors open a harried nurse is standing to attention. “He had fifteen mils of oral codeine, breathing is strained and altered consciousness,” the woman says.

The nurse directs Maria over to the sign-in table and the women and the nurse drive the stretcher over to the makeshift hospital. After getting Buck and Chris onto the flimsy camp bed, the two paramedics return to the vehicle, leaving to pick more people.

Next to Buck, the nurse begins to undo the straps attaching Buck to Chris. With his head cloudy, the throbbing almost making him cry and his big, deep breaths that hurt but don’t even touch his lungs, Buck just stares at the woman. The woman who is trying to take Chris away.

“Sir,” the woman says, letting go of the straps. “Sir, I need to look at both of you. I need you to let go.”

Then a loud shout, “code blue,” from a couple of beds down sends the nurse into another action.

“I’ll be back,” the nurse tells a dazed Buck, who doesn’t do anything but cling to Chris, then she runs off to help the doctor.

Against him, Buck can still feel Chris shivering as he buries his nose in Chris’ hair. He can’t let Chris go, he has to keep him safe- he already nearly gave up, leaving Chris alone. He can’t let Chris go, he has to keep him safe for Eddie. With the fire no longer in his blood, Buck can feel every wave of pain that comes with breathing but it doesn’t matter as long as he has Chris, that still doesn’t stop the tears from falling out of his eyes into Chris’ hair.

Eddie’s boys are tangled even more together. Buck’s arms are encircling Chris, as his body shakes with the effort of breathing and his tears, Chris’ body is still tinged with blue, shaking and pressing into Buck’s small warmth.

In the cold night, Eddie presses his tongue to his teeth and looks up at the stars that can only be seen because of the destruction that tsunami has created. With the stars staring back at him, Eddie has to close his eyes, they are mocking him with their existence because of the destruction.

All of them, their friends, are just looking at him, waiting for his next move but Eddie doesn’t know his next move, all he knows is that his heart is hammering in his chest ready to disappear like Buck and Chris.

With his head still turned upwards, Eddie lowers his eyes and meets Bobby’s. His eyes are softened so much that Eddie doesn’t know whether to scream or fall into his arms again, just like when Shannon died.

Being here for hours made Eddie quickly used to sirens, so when another arrives his mind doesn’t even register it.

Shaking his head, forcing himself to breathe, Eddie turns on the balls of his feet and begins to walk away.

“Eddie…” Bobby warns, following behind.

“Bobby, I can’t. Ok. I can’t. I just can’t,” Eddie tells Bobby, barely stopping himself from crying.

Bobby swallows all the words that want to come out of his mouth and nods at Eddie.

Then a loud shout of ‘code blue’ is made and a flurry of medics run past him. Carrying on his walk away from everyone, Eddie moves towards the beds in the far corner of the outside hospital. All Eddie can see is people crying from the sheer relief of being safe and Eddie wants to scream at him.

Then all of a sudden, there is another shout of ‘code blue’, a group of scrubs run to the shout. As one, the whole squad looks to the spot they just left.

And with his breathing still as harsh and venom in his blood, Eddie almost falls to his knees as he sees a head of hair he would recognise anywhere. His whole body trembles and tears well up in his eyes as he sees the board hand cradling the head.

Ripping his head away and taking steadying breaths, Eddie turns back to Bobby and Athena. “Is that real?” Eddie asks his voice wobbling, raising his hand to his face. “Are they real?”

Bobby is still utter disbelief, mouth agape and eyes wide, unable to hear Eddie. Athena with her body still crying out to comfort him, “yes. They’re real. They’re here,” she tells him, nodding with every beat.

Giving Athena a quick nod, Eddie breaks into a full sprint. He gets to Chris and Buck at breakneck speed, the others reach them just a second later. Not thinking for a moment, Eddie crouches down and he is about to reach up to hold Buck’s face and rub his thumb over the redraw scratches across his brow but he with the others notice; Buck’s bloodshot eyes, the unfocused gaze and the way his breathing is coming out in a wet wheeze, Chris blue tinge and his held out in front of him.

Looking to Hen, standing on the other side of the bed, Eddie gives her a small jerk of her head. With Chimney’s help, Hen starts to loosen the straps of the carrier.

At the touch, Buck just holds onto Chris tightening and repeats, “no, no, no.”

Reaching out, Eddie holds Buck’s face, feeling his cheekbones. “Hey. Hey. Hey. It’s me,” he whispers as he takes Buck’s unused hand and holds it to his chest. Buck just stares at Eddie for a few seconds then his eyes light up in recognition and desperate all-encompassing relief.

“Eddie? Buck whispers, his voice struggling as he pushes into Eddie’s hands.

“Yeah. It’s ok, you can let go. You did a good job,” Eddie tells Buck, rubbing his thumb over Buck’s cheeks. Buck just stares at Eddie for a beat.

“Yeah?” Buck asks with his lip wobbling and his eyes welling.

“Yeah, so good. But you need to let go,” Eddie tells Buck, softening all his features and Buck nods gently.

Quickly, Chimney and Hen take Chris off of Buck and Bobby and Athena provide a kind of privacy by standing guard at the foot of the camp bed. Still, in all the movement Chris hasn’t woken up. As Chris is lifted off in a heap, Eddie wants to cry again, he can see Buck’s handwriting in plain black ink, scrawled across his and Chris’ arms. Those little words he knows so well say so much, Eddie remembers telling Buck what he used them in the army for, Buck thought they were going to die.

Buck takes another breath that fills his eyes with tears and stares into Eddie’s eyes, blinking rapidly. Slowly, making sure Eddie doesn’t let go, Buck looks at Chimney who is holding Chris. “He… has… a… broken...arm… and...and,” Buck says, each word in the sentence fractured by a cough and he is struggling to say anymore and he is unable to find the words in the muddle of his mind. “And… and...and… hypo...thermia.”

Stroking his face harder, Eddie closes his eyes and just feels the settling within him by just being in the proximity of Chris and Buck. “You did so, so good.”

Buck opens his mouth to answer but he holds his head again and takes a heavier, wetter cough as though something is stuck in his throat.

“Buck?” Bobby asks as Buck’s face gets red with effort. Buck looks up at Bobby with wide eyes and breathing hard, he looks like a kid that’s seen a horror movie.

After the cough, Buck pulls out of Eddie’s hold. Then another coughs tears through him, and another and another and another and another, each one louder, more violent and wetter than the last one. Then with a potent cough, Buck takes his hand to his mouth as blood begins to fill and pour out of his mouth.

All that coldness from earlier resurfaces in Eddie.; this world loves to play tricks on him. Did he only get Buck and Chris back to watch Buck die?

Around him, Buck can see everyone race into action; Chimney is laying Chris down the nearest free bed, Hen is now crouching down on the other side of Buck’s bed, Bobby is at his feet and Athena is standing tall ever imposing but if you look close enough, her hands are shaking.

Out of nowhere, the coughing stops, and Eddie breathes a sigh of relief but then Buck’s whole body goes rigid and begins to shake.

“He’s fitting,” Bobby announces. “Put him on his side and clear the blood out of his mouth.”

Everyone does what they’re told, turning Buck towards Eddie. Opening Buck’s jaw and taking two fingers, Eddie removes the blood out of his mouth.

As the seizure continues, Eddie looks to Chris while stroking Buck’s hair. Eddie has to bear witness to all the unnatural contractions of Buck’s body, his hands curl inwards to his forearms, his legs are stiff as stone. The minute seems like hours as Buck rocks with the misfiring of his mind. 

Then as soon as it begins the fit stops but the blood doesn’t.

Swallowing, so hard that his Adam's apple bobs, Eddie lets his military medical training take over. Quickly but meticulous, Eddie presses along Buck’s chest. Stopping when he feels a depression where ribs through seven to ten should be. “I need a scalpel and a chest tube,” Eddie shouts at Bobby, Hen and Athena.

“Um…” Bobby hesitates, Eddie is the last person that should be doing this.

“If I don’t do this, he’ll die,” Eddie says, biting his tongue and stroking Buck’s hair.

Bobby looks to Athena then to Buck, nodding at Eddie, then he gets up and runs to the closest medical trolley. He quickly finds a clothes cutter, a chest tube and a scalpel. Running back, Bobby lowers onto his feet and hands the clothes cutter to Hen and gives the rest to Eddie.

Hen as fast as she can manage cuts Buck’s top. A gasp worms out of Hen, Bobby and Athena as they see how much weight Buck has lost, they can see every single rib and the broken ones hiding in his lung. Still, in action, Eddie doesn’t stop.

First, he presses along the ribs until he finds the right spot. Next, Eddie draws the scalpel across Buck’s bright pink skin, cutting through even his muscle. Blood pours out of the hold, dousing Eddie’s arms in Buck’s blood. Then, Eddie pushes the tube into the hole, blood quickly fills the tube and dumps onto the ground.

A silence befalls all of them as they wait for Buck to breathe normally again. Watching him, Eddie wants to cry and be sick and the little voice in his head teases, ‘if you were a better father and partner, you wouldn’t have to do this.” Ripping through the silence, Buck gives a shaky breath.

With his movement just as shaky, Eddie wipes his hand across his brows and turns to Athena. “He’s drawing in his blood. Get a doctor,” Eddie shouts and Athena runs off.

Even with these people crowded around, Eddie is sitting alone with Buck’s blood smeared across his face, waiting for help to come. All Eddie can notice is how open and exposed this is, Buck after all he does for everyone deserves to die with dignity.

Eddie rests his head next to Buck, as he takes high pitched wheezy inhales, waiting for help and stroking at his cheek, hoping Buck will lean in like he did earlier.

* * *

**It was no place for rest.  
** _ **\- Vernon Scannell** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, again (I know!)
> 
> Merry Christmas or any holiday that you celebrate.
> 
> Don't forget to comment, every one is loved and appreciated.
> 
> Thank you for leaving comments or kudos.


	22. This is the last time I am allowed to remember my childhood as it might have been

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another flashback chapter. I know, I know.

**with deep devotion**

**deep as the deep**

**atlantic ocean**

_ **\- John Cooper Clarke** _

* * *

Bright, almost glowing sunlight is streaming through the crack in the curtains highlighting the specs of dust floating in the air, the light is coating Buck’s bare back and is a painting across the skin of Eddie’s neck. With Buck’s arm thrown over Eddie’s chest, the differences in their skin tones are as clear as glass and yet no one would be able to tell where one of them ended and the other began. Soft snoring is filling the air, with the utter peace and comfort emanating from the couple.

Encircling Buck, Eddie’s arms are wrapped around his ribs and wall of muscles that surround them, just like they had last night when they were laying in the dark, safety of their soon to be marital bed, embracing and talking in pure awe of the other. The ghost of his smile is still on Eddie’s face, just listening to the working of his lover’s mind- of the world, of life, of them- never fails to warm his heart and push his mouth into a joyous smile. Tucked into Eddie’s shoulder, Buck is fast asleep at the smell of his Eddie surrounding him. The artery in Eddie’s neck, presses against Buck, thudding in a morse code that is only for him and Eddie, spelling home, telling Buck that he is safer than he ever has been and that he fits in this family that he has carved out for himself, more than he ever has apart from just him and Maddie.

Moving his head slightly so that his nose is pressed against the curve of his shoulder, Buck lets out a sigh full of sleep and absolute contentment. Turning away from the light pulls Buck back into a full restful sleep as the warmth of the light warms his bones; Eddie begins to stir as his internal clock strikes its alarm. Unwilling to wake up and be out of the sleepy bubble of him and Buck, Eddie shifts out of the light path and into the heat on top of him and on the side of his neck.

Slowly, on the losing side of a battle, Eddie’s eyes open to see the crown of Buck’s head and his face turned completely into his shoulder, hiding-the birthmark, his nose, his lips, his eyelashes - all that Eddie wants to see. Barely touching the skin, Eddie reaches over, drawing his index finger over Buck’s cheekbones, and just like he expected Buck leans into the touch, still fast asleep.

Eddie carries on trailing his fingers across Buck’s soft yet textured skin, even under his fingers he can’t believe that Buck being his is real, watching his back rise and fall with his breathing, he is pretty sure this is only beaten by watching Christopher breathe. He can’t even notice the ash clinging to their skin as Buck makes a soft mewling noise as he racks his fingers through his hair.

As Buck settles into silence, pushing all of his weight into him, Eddie picks up his phone making the screen light up. It’s half-seven, late for Eddie but still way too early for Buck and Chris- at least for non-school days. Chris won’t be up for at least another hour and Buck is asleep and obviously comfortable clung to him like a koala on a tree, Eddie pats the small of Buck’s back and uses one hand to unlock his phone.

_ hey shan just wanted to check if we still on for today  _

_ chris is excited but i know you might have work _

Eddie texts Shannon one-handed, it has been months since she had gotten her job but he still isn’t sure what it is.

As he waits for a reply, Eddie rests his hand on Buck’s ribs, feeling his heart and it's steady, sure beat pound against him. The beat is a song that Eddie didn’t know he knew, he didn’t know it would fill the silence in his mind or that his beats would fill the quiet parts of Eddie. The silent parts of Buck scare Eddie, you only know that they’re there if you listen and they make Eddie cling to him, Buck should have never had to deal with what he did. Swallowing the outrage building in him, Eddie gazes at Buck’s eyelashes resting on his cheek, and even though Buck is actually laid across him and every part of their bodies are connected, Eddie can’t quite believe that this man is his. With twitching fingers, Eddie reaches up to cup Buck’s face but then his phone buzzes.

_ yh today is on _

_ my work starts at 3 _

_ ill be there at 10 _

Eddie realises his eyebrows are in his forehead and begins to shake his head, his muscles tensing into rock-hard plains but Buck makes a grunt and he knows to stop. An early woken Buck isn’t a fun one.

_ Come over at 9 _

_ We can have breakfast _

Eddie texts back, just a few weeks ago getting Shannon to come over was like pulling teeth. Maybe it was because of the new job… or something else but either way Chris was starting to notice. Christopher was missing his mother.

An Ok is all Eddie gets back and he has to bite his tongue and stop his fingers flying across the screen, he doesn’t want to fight with Shannon. He just wants everyone to be happy, he doesn’t want to have to be one that sorts every out, that’s all he ever wanted.

Finally, Eddie carries on his journey and makes a hold around Buck’s head, wishing his mind could have the calm that he does. Staying like that, Eddie lets the sunlight dance over the both of them as time moves on, making them as they right now look like a renaissance painting.

Some time later, Eddie could spend an eternity watching Buck and never get bored, anywhere between for a handful of seconds and a couple of hours he hears the unmistakable tapping of Chris’ crutches against the floor. Following the sound, Eddie knows Chris is halfway down the hall, tap, tap, tap, Chris is about to be outside of their door.

He hears Chris’ crutches hit the bedroom floor before he sees him. Pulling himself and Buck with him, Eddie leans against the headboard with Buck on his chest.

“Dad. Daddy?” Chris asks, still blinking quickly from tiredness.

“Yeah, bud. I’m awake,” he tells Chris, nipping his lip, wondering why he’s Daddy today and there is such a giant bubble in his son’s voice. Eddie moves his head away from Buck to the doorway, where Chris is standing. “Com’ere”

Chris does as he’s told, taking small, shaky steps over to Eddie's side of the bed. When he is close enough, Eddie untangles from Buck’s upper half, letting flop onto the mattress, and reaches over, picking Chris up and placing him on his lap and over Buck’s cocked leg.

As Chris leans into Eddie, turning his head into his chest, Eddie crosses his arms over Chris’ neck and chest. “What’s wrong? Hm?” Eddie asks, keeping his voice even as he bends his head down, putting his nose in Chris’ hair.

Taking a big breath, Chris burrows further into Eddie's chest, hitting Buck’s arm making him grunt a little. “Is Mom still coming?” Chris asks, with his father’s heartbeat echoing in his ear.

“Yeah. She's with us until you have to go to CCF, ” Eddie tells Chris plainly, while his mind rolls over and over with the days Shannon would be there but distant, left early or when she watches Buck and Chris interact with each other in unrestrained exuberance through gritted teeth. Now, Eddie is thinking that all he thought he was hiding might be clearly written on his face.

“I know but…” Chris whispers, the words getting lost in Eddie’s flesh.

“Mom’s just…” Eddie begins to say but stops halfway through, looking out the window then down at the still peacefully sleeping Buck then at the mop of hair resting on his chest. “Being an adult is hard, ok? And when you were a baby I didn't make it any easier. Mom being the way she is has nothing to do with you. She loves you, you know.” Eddie tells Chris, with his mouth forming a grimace while forcing himself to keep it out of his voice as he moves his thumbs in small circles over Chris’ hands.

At that Chris just hums, letting go all the trained control in muscles, putting his whole body weight onto Eddie. For a couple of minutes, Eddie just holds his son rubbing his soft skin, as his mind plays all the lessons his father has locked in his brain, Chris should never feel this way, if he was any kind of father, he’d be able to fix this.

For a second, Chris moves his head upwards and stares at him. “Love you, Daddy,” he says as he moves his head back down to where it was resting.

Eddie expects Chris to do what he usually does when he wakes up early and stumbles into his and Buck’s room, falling asleep quickly after pushing himself in between him and Buck, soaking up their combined warmth. Instead of settling, Chris just spends seconds shuffling, stopping to look at Eddie then shuffling again. Taking a deep breath, Eddie peers down at Chris then stretches over to his table to pick up a cable for his phone.

With his father occupied, Chris looks at Buck; softly sleeping trying to move into Eddie again then a smile brightens across Chris’ face. Using an outstretched index finger, Chris starts poking at Buck’s cheek making the skin move as he grunts but doesn’t move away. Carrying on, Chris can’t stop himself from giggling and the quick in and out of his breathing makes Eddie move his attention to his son, letting out a huff he lightly slaps his hand.

“You’ll wake him up. Stop it!” Eddie says to Chris, starting to put him on the floor. “Let's go get ready.”

Even though Eddie has tried not to wake Buck up, one of his eyes is half-open, staring at him and Chris. “Hi, Chris,” he says in a low, sleep drowned voice. “Eddie. Love you.” 

“Love you, too. Go back to sleep. We’ll be in the living room,” Eddie whispers, wetting his bottom lip while watching roll and spread on the bed. Patting Chris on the shoulder, Eddie pushes him forward to the door then turns back to Buck. Bending at the waist, Eddie rubs his palm over the small of Buck’s back, in silent sleepy response Buck, pushes up into the touch and makes a small hum that comes from the back of his throat. A reply sits on the tip of Eddie’s tongue but before he says it, he looks up to the doorway and he sees that Chris is still within earshot, Eddie bites his lip and gives a hidden chuckle.

Catching up to Christopher, Eddie does a little jog to stand by his crutches. Together, making sure his steps match with Chris, Eddie and Chris walk into the living room.

Quickly, Chris makes himself comfortable getting on the sofa and finding the tv remote, letting him turn on the Tv.

As the sound blares out of the speakers, Eddie snaps into movement standing in front of Chris and quickly picks up the remote and turns the volume of the TV down. “Buck’s still asleep!” Eddie whisper-shouts, giving him a soft stare. Still, in front of the TV, Eddie makes sure he's blocking the screen as he carries on speaking. “We’re meant to be having breakfast with Mom, but if you're hungry you can eat now. You have to read two chapters of your book before you watch something if you wanna wait for Mom.”

“Half a chapter, ” Chris bargains, his eyes widening with the start of puppy dog eyes.

“One chapter, ” Eddie offers, feeling his reserve melt at the big eyes looking at him. Chris gives his father a self-satisfied nod then looks around him from side to side. “Where is it?” he asks.

Weaving so that Eddie is out of the way, Chris doesn't look up from the screen he says, “O-on the t-table, Buck was reading with me when you had to do the thing for work.”

Nodding, Eddie walks out of the room and rifles through the mess of Chris’ bag when he doesn't see it on the table. The stack of paper is not a book but a stack of drawings of their family, that is going on the fridge- when he finds the magnets. Putting them down on the table, Eddie lets out a small gift of a laugh, when he sees the book placed neatly on top of the paperwork he was doing last night.

Smiling, at Buck’s care of Christopher’s and his things, Eddie shakes his head and picks up the book, starting to walk back to Chris.

Picking up the remote, Eddie presses the off the button and settles on the sofa, pulling Chris into his side as he places the small book in his lap.

Shaking with some tiredness Chris fumbles with the book, opening it to the page he was reading last night. Chris begins to read the book out loud, stopping and starting, as his voice disappears in frustration as he fights with the words printed on the paper.

In the small silence between Chris’ words as he debates whether to tell him the word, Eddie listens to both Buck and Chris breathing; Buck is barely audible, soft, peaceful, and even, Chris’ is coming out in short puffs and Eddie can feel the tension in his muscles but every time he figures out how to get his brain and mouth to work together his breathing becomes calmer. And Eddie can't help but feel absolute contentment, he has got everything he’s ever wanted.

It takes about fifteen minutes for Chris to finish reading. Once he’s done, Eddie pulls Chris’ hand onto his shoulder and turns the tv back on, while they wait for Shannon to turn up for Buck to wake up and join them.

The minutes roll over them, Chris is gently laying across Eddie’s chest and Eddie has his phone in one hand texting Chimney and using the other to stroke Chris’ hair. Every so often, Eddie looks up from his phone to the doorway, hoping the Buck will appear.

After an episode and a half, a knock comes from the front door, with a deep sigh Eddie untangles Chris from him and places him on the couch then gets his feet on the floor. Taking two steps at a time, Eddie walks to the door, turning the knob Eddie unlocks the door and pulls it open.

Standing opposite each other, Eddie feels a little awkward, only wearing loose-fitting shorts and his head a mess of bed hit while she has her hit in a neat, low ponytail, wearing an oversized t-shirt and knee-length shorts, completely ready for their beach day.

“Hey, Shan, ” Eddie says, leaning against the door to let her in.

Shannon gives him a tiny smile and nod before she walks into Eddie’s and Buck’s house. Even though she knows that to them she is family, she can't help but feel like a guest, an outsider looking, so she waits for Eddie to start walking for first.

As they take the fifty steps between the front door and the living room, neither of them say anything, the silence between them sits heavy and stretches out for an age. That silence is cut through with a knife when Chris comes into view.

“Mom…” Chris breathes out, lifting his brow then he tries to scramble off the couch.

“Stay. I'll come to you, ” Shannon tells him, as she crosses the space between her and the sofa. As she sits down, Shannon pulls Chris into a hug. “I missed you. Sorry about last week, ” she whispers into his ear.

“I missed you, too. Why couldn't you come?” Chris asks, leaning into the hug for a second then pulling out to look at her face.

“Oh, I was sick,” Shannon says, narrowing her eyes, a little too quickly as the always there nausea that just started after the injections makes itself known.

Cutting in, Eddie runs his finger through Chris’ hair. “Go, get ready, ” Eddie tells him, patting his back.

“I can help, ” Shannon says eagerly, pushing herself up against the couch and onto the hardwood floor.

“I don't need help with these clothes, ” Chris says, quickly getting on his crutches and settling his feet on the floor.

“Strong legs, ” Eddie says in reflex, rubbing at his neck checking if he can get away with not shaving today.

As Chris walks out of the room with as much purpose as a child can have, Shannon looks to Eddie, with the room she has been so many times becoming a new enclosing, rolling her tongue between her teeth. “Doesn’t he…”

“Yeah…” Eddie says, tilting his head to one side and trying to hold her eyes as he hears the same anxious tone that she has when he said yes to another tour. “He needs help with most clothes but we’re just going to the beach. He was really excited last night, he chose them then. And Carla and Buck found a place that does clothes for kids like Chris, they have velcro instead of buttons and zips, ” Eddie tells her, his voice strong and proud as he shrugs his shoulders. “I think he wanted to show you what he can do now. He’s really proud of himself. There’s still so much that you… ”

_Missed_ , Eddie doesn’t say it but Shannon still hears it- she wants her face to heat up, she wants to want scream and shout, she wants to feel gut burn, she wants to argue with Eddie like they used to but instead, all body provides her is this deep, exhaustive heaviness that sits within reminding that she is a shell of the mother she used to be. Wrapping her arms around her waist, Shannon does anything she can, ripping at the whole parts that she has, to fill the hole and look up at Eddie through her eyelashes of her half-lidded eyes.

“So, how's work? I still don't know what you’re doing, ” Eddie asks, trying to keep his voice light and not accusatory but ever since she had told him that she has a job Eddie has been imaging what she is doing and he can’t decide if this means that he can give Shannon more responsibility with Chris or being concerned that she won’t tell him what she doing.

Looking up through her eyelashes, Shannon gives a small mocking smile, that has watery energy hidden behind it. “I’ll tell you at the right time. Eddie, we need to…” talk, is what Shannon was going to say but she doesn't get to as Chris stomps into the room.

“Mom! Look!” he shouts, walking into the room loudly as his crutches hit the floor heavily in excitement. "I did it by myself."

Without paying Eddie another second, she does; seeing him in a light blue t-shirt with cargo shorts and while everything is a bit messy and needs straightening and needs, Christopher did it all by himself. With her heart full and empty all at the same time, a giant smile crosses her face, “Yeah, you did ” she says, fingers itching to make him more presentable.

“Do you wanna show Mom your drawing? There on the table, ” Eddie says, rubbing his chest as his heart thud as his bed creaks with Buck flips onto his back, with no actual question in his voice.

“Yeah!” Chris shouts, wanting to give her the drawings he made for her, as he pulls on his mother’s hand then begins to walk into the next room.

Following behind, Eddie keeps his eyes on Shannon and Chris. There is a kind of loose tension of acceptance in Shannon's muscles, the only time he has seen anything like that was a couple of days before she left; when he had thought that they were going to fix them. With blood pulsing slowly in his body, Eddie doesn't stop at the table carrying onto the kitchen to scratch his caffeine itch.

Pulling out a chair, Shannon helps Chris onto it. As her backside meets the wood of the chair, Shannon sees the first drawing on the stack, it is four people: it is two men, one child and one woman. It doesn't take long for her to work out that it is Eddie, Buck, Chris and her. She can't help but get angry at her jaw tensing and gut burning when a high pitched voice in her head points out that Buck is even in the picture. A feud swells within her, she can feel the hand around her heart and it seeps into her skin, but she can deny all the points she doesn’t want to hear from her brain-Buck had been in Chris’ life for months before she had returned, maybe as only Eddie’s friend but he already looking out for her son like she should have been.

Chris, as fast as he can, shuffles through the papers, pulling out a brightly coloured drawing that she can make out is their home back in Texas. “That’s you and me, ” Chris tells his Mom, pointing to the figures he’s done.

“You did my hair pink. I remember the day we did that ” Shannon gushes as a smile pushes her cheeks up into her eyes, remembering the day they did it was full of laughter.

“You had pink hair?” Eddie asks with a puzzled tone and raises his eyebrows as he places a mug beside her.

“Just the ends, ” Shannon tells Eddie, eyes still stuck on the picture, her voice bubbling with bittersweet memories. “You were still on tour. We were having a difficult month. I promised him that I would if he did his PT without kicking off.”

Not sure what to say, Eddie gives Shannon a nod that gets stuck on a jerk and a quick smile that doesn't reach his eyes then walks back to the kitchen.

Even though they are on the other side of the house, they can hear Buck’s feet hit the ground. Sleepy stomps get closer to them, while waiting Chris looks to his mother's face and the two of them share a smile like they used to when it was just them. Then when the steps are just outside the room Chris’ head snaps away.

Buck walks through the doorway wearing only sweatpants, sitting in the middle of his hips. As he walks towards Buck rubs at his neck and gives Shannon a slow, smooth nod. Sleep still invading his body, Buck lets out a yawn then takes a deep breath that makes his rib cage stretch to a massive expansion, as it in one swift movement fills with the life-giving gas.

Standing behind Chris, Buck wraps his goose-pimpled arms around his neck giving a light squeeze. Taking his hands away, Buck runs his hands through Chris’ hair then presses a gentle kiss to the crown of his head. “Morning, kid, ” Buck whispers as he pulls away but still looking down at Chris with a wide, child-like smile that brightens his eyes and makes his birthmark glitter.

Matching him, Chris looks up at Buck with a heavy happiness and the absolute belief he is at the center of his world.

“Morning, Buck,” Chris replies, finally looking back at Shannon.

“What no poking this time? I’m gonna go see Dad, Ok?” Buck tells Chris as he belly laughs a sound that fills the whole room with feeling, screwing his eyes closed for a second then opening them again to see Chris nod.

With the same sleepy carelessness, Buck walks into the kitchen. As the steps get closer to him, Eddie moves his head to the sound and smiles, a smile that is as bright as the sun reflecting off the sea. As he was expecting, but still astounded by how easily Buck gives away touch, Buck wraps his cold arms around Eddie’s warm waist and he can’t help but shiver and lean into the touch.

Gentle but quick, Buck bows his head down and presses a small kiss to Eddie’s neck. “Morning,” Buck whispers, slowly and his voice rumbling with sleep, as he pulls out of the kiss and rests his heavy head on the firm shoulders that spark the belief that his world is now stable.

Stopping his hands from making his coffee, Eddie adjusts his head so that he can see Buck and entangled his fingers with his. “Morning, to you too. Do you want one?” Eddie asks, feeling everything in him melt under Buck’s touch like he always does, trying to untangle one hand from Buck and pick up another mug.

Not allowing it, Buck squeezes Eddie’s hand tighter and presses his nose in Eddie’s skin. “No, I just wanted to see you two before I got in the shower, ” Buck mumbles into Eddie’s skin.

As Eddie begins to laugh, Buck can feel the rumble through Eddie's back on his chest. Resting his head on top of Buck’s and feeling his skin pressed against the ring he gave him, Eddie lets laughter colour his voice, “Aw, baby. That’s so sweet, ” Eddie teases, trying to fight the smirk wanting to appear on his face.

“Shaddup. And don't call me…” Buck begins to say with no true malice and hardly any annoyance as he runs his fingers over Eddie's taut, muscular belly, wishing he could dip lower.

“Call me baby, ” Eddie copies Buck, his voice a little lighter this time. “I like calling you baby.”

“I know, it's just… I'm gonna get in the shower, ” Buck says, pulling out of the embrace. “Love you, babe.”

Then with his hands free, Eddie finishes making his coffee and turning on the balls of his feet, he watches his Buck walk away. “Love ya, baby, ” Eddie says, his voice burning with passionate challenge.

Hearing the words, Buck stops by Chris’ chair and lets out ribbons of laughter and rolls his tongue over his lips. Like he’s infused with warm water, his heart is aching to get back home to Eddie, Buck has to stop himself laughing at Eddie and starting a play fight he won't win, he never wins against Eddie, so all he does is look over his shoulder, raise his eyebrows at Eddie then he carries on back to their bedroom.

Staying just behind Buck, Eddie stops and leans against the door frame and just lets his eyes roam over Buck’s bare skin. Holding his thumb in between his teeth, Eddie stares at the way Buck’s muscles shift and flex as he moves, the further away Buck gets the lower Eddie’s eyes move. Quickly, Eddie takes in all of Buck’s body and then he turns to Shannon and Chris. “Did you see this one?” Eddie asks, pulling another drawing out of the pile.

“No, wow, Chris. Can I keep this one?” Shannon asks, giving Chris a hopeful smile and he gives her an easy nod. “Eddie, you can go to him, ” she tells him as his eyes linger at the empty doorway.

“You sure?” he asks, standing up straighter and feeling the haze in his brain getting stronger.

“Yeah, ” she says, waving her hand and running her fingers over the drawing that is only her and Chris again. “You need to get ready, just don't take too long.”

“Thank you, ” Eddie says, giving her a slow, unsure blink; they're not exactly shy about how physical they are around their friends but Shannon is his ex-wife and legally still his wife, then he turns his attention to Chris. “Me and Buck, are gonna get ready and then we’ll go.”

“Ok, ” Chris answers, still stuck on finding another picture for Shannon, as Eddie smiles at him and cards his fingers through his hair. Then Chris turns back to Shannon, “Mom, Mom. I forgot to tell you me and Denny got a new badge…” 

Most of Chris’ speech disappears as Eddie walks down the hall and it is replaced by the sound of water hitting against glass and tile. The thought of Buck alone, all pink, warm and wet makes Eddie speed up into an almost jog.

All too long and before knows it, Eddie is just outside of his bathroom. With all the fog and the steam Eddie’s fall a little as he has to wait longer to see Buck in all his glory.

In one swift movement, Eddie’s shorts and briefs are on the floor. Stepping out of the puddle of his clothes, Eddie carries on across to the little opening of the shower. At the glass, Eddie just stops and watches Buck rub suds over himself, feeling the blood pool and swell his lower half.

Taking care to make sure not to scare Buck, Eddie forms a grip on the handle and braces the glass then he pushes it to the side. In anticipating silence, Buck stops waiting for the explosion of touch to happen and Eddie feels his hands float among the water every second feeling like an age without skin under it.

And then flesh meets flesh.

This time Eddie wraps his hands around Buck’s waist, pulling him closer so there isn’t even a millimetre gap between them. Resting cheek against cheek, Eddie makes sure that Buck hears his groan as his rounded flesh rests against his swollen lower half.

“We have time?” Buck asks but the words get lost in a moan as Eddie trails his hand lower, grasping him tenderly but firmly.

Unable to help it with Eddie stroking him and his body making his blood move to the hand enclosed organ, Buck throws his head back resting it on Eddie’s shoulder as he trembles and sputters. Gently, Eddie presses a kiss to Buck’s neck and quickens his ministrations. “Yes,” Eddie says, moving his lips to Buck’s neck, sucking the skin into his teeth.

Under Eddie’s touch, Buck arches his hips backwards and Eddie surges forward as both of them loudly appreciate the other.

They clash together like an explosion that creates a galaxy. As the both of them see stars; Eddie’s eyes roll back and Buck’s brain stops functioning. Letting out a deep moan, Buck pushes against Eddie and in turn his breath catches in his throat.

“Jesus Christ. You’re so loud,” Eddie says as he clamps a hand over Buck’s mouth and bites his ear.

Eventually, Buck quietens down again and slowly, dragging his fingers over Buck’s lips, Eddie takes his hand off Buck’s mouth.

“Ya know, I was nearly finished before you distracted me,” Buck tells Eddie, pulling away so that both of them are under the shower stream and handing him a washcloth and some soap. Hastily, the two of them clean the resolve that their coupling has left on their bodies.

Stepping out of the shower, Buck wraps a towel around his waist and under the blue towel on the silver rack is a pink one that he hands to Eddie as he emerges from the steam.

Taking the towel from Buck, Eddie is given a smile from his man that is asking for more just beneath the surface. “We can’t,” Eddie says, smiling and tilting his head to the side looking Buck in the eyes. “And… it’s been like three minutes. How can you go again?”

Buck just shakes his head, gives Eddie a leering smile and looks through his head then turns to walk into the bedroom. 

They dress rapidly as they battle against their hands wanting to feel the other again, Eddie ends up wearing Buck’s red t-shirt and loose cotton grey shorts, Buck wears another pair of Eddie’s cotton shorts but a black t-shirt to go along with his white t-shirt.

When both of them are dressed, Buck pulls Eddie into a hug and pushes a kiss to his forehead then pats him on the head and then begins to walk away. As Buck’s actions begin to hit him, Eddie stares into the middle distance and he starts to laugh and sets off into a jog to catch up with Buck.

Before they get to Shannon and Chris, Eddie says, “You’re too tall for your own good.”

Walking across the wooden floor, Buck and Eddie get back to Christopher and Shannon. Taking Buck’s hand in his own, Eddie from the doorway looks at the two of them. “You guys ready to go?”

* * *

The drive is a short one, even with the windows down, the air inside the car is moving with the heat of the sun, boring down on the black metal and glass of Eddie’s car.

Buck has his arm resting outside the window, Eddie has one hand wrapped tightly on the steering wheel and the other his other is just resting next to the open window. Shannon is sitting in the backseat next to Chris, the two of them are trying to be as comfortable as they can be; Chris is lounging on the seat, talking animatedly to all of the people in the car.

Buck matches Chris’ energy by replying with as much excitement and as many failing limbs as possible. Eddie can’t but let a smile beam across his face, and for a second his eyes dart up to the wing mirror.

In the mirror he sees Shannon, and not for one second does she take her eyes off their sons, deliberately ignoring her phone flashing with incoming texts. There is a boiling quality in her stare and with time passing it only gets stronger and more volatile, it makes Eddie wonder when it’s going to boil over.

The more they drive the more the scent of salty sea wafts into the car. Dropping into a stop with the traffic, Eddie lets his teeth push into his tongue stuck on Shannon’s intensity but he can’t dwell on her too long because Buck sees the shift in his jaw and rests his broad hand on his thigh.

Turning his head so that Eddie can catch him out of the corner of his eyes, Buck squeezes his thigh. With his shorts having ridden up a bit, Eddie can feel all of Buck’s hand on him, like it was earlier; every ridge, every divert, everything that is individual to Buck’s hand. And under those hands, Eddie can help but be sure that everything is going to work out, he’ll be safe in the only way he has been since he let Buck in. That warmth clamped around his welcoming thigh makes all his teeth ease off his tongue, letting him have the ability to concentrate on just relaxing before he has to return to be the man of his little family. 

The traffic starts again and with a firm foot and the sun beating down onto his uncovered leg, Eddie pulls off and starts to drive down a road that is getting more sandy. After a few minutes on the road, Eddie pulls off into a side road that is just sand with tire tracks in, As they get into the parking lot, the sand is mixed in with the cement and at the end of it, a couple of meters away on the grass is a small beachside hut that has a couple of table and chair neatly placed in two rows in front of it.

Pushing the gear into park, Eddie stops the car like and Buck did earlier Eddie reaches over and rests his hand on Buck’s spread thigh as he pokes his head through the chairs.

“We’ll eat and then we go to the beach,” Eddie tells Chris while he searches Shannon’s face for what was there earlier, hoping to work out what it was.

But Eddie is quickly cut off by Chris. “Yeah! I’m hungry, Daddy,” Chris says.

“Let’s go, then,” he smiles at Chris, going against every fibre in his body he pulls his hand away from Buck and gets out of the car.

Shannon is quick to follow him out of the and walks around to Chris’ door. Buck is still blinking away sleep and is slow to get out of the vehicle as Shannon helps Chris out of the car and onto his legs.

Unable to help himself, Eddie finds his voice coming out of his mouth. “Strong legs, Christopher,” he says, as a dangerously annoyed look comes from Shannon that is quickly hidden in a smile as Chris searches her face while Buck yawns loudly and begins to walk ahead.

Moving in between Eddie and Shannon, Chris starts walking nearer to Buck with each shuffle. Feeling Chris closer to him, Buck stops in his tracks and waits for Chris to catch up.

As Chris gets beside Buck, he tries to step forward but Buck holds onto his shoulder stopping him then he turns his head behind him. “Are you guys coming or what?” Buck teases, raising his eyebrows as much as he can.

Following Buck’s gaze, Chris smiles with his eyes glinting as shouts, “Yeah slowpokes.” Turning back to Buck he gives him an even bigger smile.

Seeing the rows of teeth and bright eyes, Buck knows what Chris wants to do. “Oh, are we doing this?” Buck asks, his mouth becoming an open smile as he already knows the answer.

“Yeah,” Chris shouts, holding out his arms high. Buck bundles up Chris and takes his crutches in one hand while throwing him over his shoulder. “Come and get us, slowpokes,” Chris shouts as Buck begins to take off.

Eddie looks at Shannon and she gives a half-hearted shrug and he breaks out into a full out run. For a second, Shannon thinks about joining but the way all three of them are laughing and smiling stops her in her tracks and makes her stay a couple of feet behind, observing all that she is missing with a devoted and fond regard.

As they begin to get closer to the hut, Eddie slows down letting his boys win, even if it is by a hair. With their trained physiques, beyond what is required for firefighters, that are at the doors of the hut in a matter of seconds. Taking deep breaths to inflate his lungs, Buck moves Chris off his body onto the ground.

Caught up in everything, Eddie and Buck press their lips together for a moment as they wait for Shannon to catch up. In a few seconds, Shannon is beside them giving all three the best expression she can muster.

“Do you want to eat in or out?” She asks them but only looks at Chris, she knows what’s coming and she doesn’t want to waste a second that she can have committing every single thing about her baby to her mind.

“Out, ” Chris answers, looking at all of the tables outside he had spent all week stuck inside at school.

“Yeah, it's a nice day, ” Eddie agrees, reaching out to meet Buck’s hand that is holding out for him to take. As a pair, Eddie and Buck follow Chris and Shannon to the table.

Eddie gets to help Chris onto the Chair first as Shannon sits down next to Chris opposite Buck. Looking at Buck, she can't help but see Eddie whispers in Buck’s ear and then presses a soft kiss to his hairline.

A bubble rushes in her throat at the display, even when she came back and they were trying, Shannon never got to have this side of Eddie. That was one of the things that convinced her that Eddie and Shannon were over, even when they were just friends Eddie always gave Buck that side and it didn’t take very long to see that Buck needed it.

Swallowing the bubble, Shannon forces a neutral expression as she takes a menu out of the holder and sets it out in the space between her and Chris.

It takes Buck and Eddie a full minute to even see that there are menus in front of them, they spend their time locked in the other’s heavy gaze and under the table, Buck picks up Eddie’s hand running his fingers across his knuckles and rubbing his thumb over Eddie’s pulse point. At the same time, they manage to drag themselves away from each other, Shannon gives a forced cough and directs her eyes to the other menu standing in the middle of the table.

“Sorry,” Buck says, smiling and licking his lips, he looks at Shannon for a second and then picks up the menu.

As Buck looks down at the array of food, Eddie looks to Chris. “Do you know what you want?” he asks, fighting the urge to lean over the table and sort out his hair.

“Uh… chocolate pancakes,” Chris decides, looking up at his father and watching his face, happily.

“Same as Chris but banana and chocolate?” Eddie says, looking at Buck with soft, expectant eyes. Buck gives Eddie an easy nod then puts the menu back to where it was and slowly, one by one, Eddie untangles his fingers away from Buck. “You?” Eddie asks, looking at Shannon while wrinkling his nose as Buck rests his arm around his shoulders.

“The special,” she says, her eyes lighting up at Eddie’s happiness and her jaw tenses at the same time, they all have to make space for her.

Searching for any contact, Buck catches Eddie’s wrist and stares at him; enraptured, breathing slowly and not wanting him to let go. There is a gentle lightness in Buck’s eyes that Eddie is the centre of and that sticks Eddie where he is until Buck lets him out of his hold. “What are you having?” Buck asks, his gaze just as heavy and light as it can be.

“An omelette. I’ll be back, Ok,” Eddie tells Buck, not even noticing that his hand has moved to stroke his face with the wrist Buck is holding.

“Ok,” Buck says, nodding as he lets go of Eddie’s wrist and feeling uncomfortable with Eddie no longer around.

In a steady stride, Eddie walks into the hut and leans over the counter. About thirty seconds later, Eddie comes back taking his place beside Buck. With Eddie next to him again, Buck tangles their arms together and rests his head on Eddie’s shoulder. Just the touch of his skin against his makes Eddie smile and put his head on top of him for a moment.

As Eddie picks his head back up, Shannon looks to him as Chris steals Buck’s phone. “How was work?” Shannon asks, both Eddie and Buck.

“Good, yeah, no. Good. It was…” Eddie says, shrugging his shoulders as intertwines their fingers tightly together. “Slow.”

“He means boring,” Buck points out, still not moving his head while forcing not to turn all the way inwards to Eddie’s neck.

“Yeah… but there was that one callout,” Eddie says, running his nails up and down Buck’s arms leaving behind goosebumps.

“Oh, yeah. That was fun,” Eddie agrees, watching Buck’s face as his face mirrors the same humour on his. Then he looks back at Shannon, “We got called to an aquarium this kid, must have been about thirteen, jumped into a tank. Then the mom freaked out instead of calling for help, she jumped straight in. And...and neither of them could swim. We got to go in the tank with the stingrays. It was cool.”

As Eddie finishes speaking a waitress walks up to their table, arms laden with plates of food. Everyone gets their food placed in front of them, between bites conversation flows. The closer they get to finishing their food, the more Chris bounces in his chair, every bit of him is bubbling in excitement as all the feel him wanting them to hurry up.

Finishing first, Buck fishes around in Eddie’s pocket- it only takes a couple of seconds for him to find his phone. Unlocking it, Buck pulls up a game and sets up a coop mode and invites his phone that Chris has to play. When Chris’ bouncing slows down, Shannon stops eating and pauses her talking to give Buck an appreciative smile and he, in turn, gives her a short nod before turning back to the phone.

Knowing that they only have until the match is over Shannon and Eddie speed up their eating, taking bigger bites and chewing less, as Buck and Chris shout their winnings.

Eventually, but very much quicker than they would have been, Eddie and Shannon finish their food just as Buck and Chris finish their match.

“Who won?” Shannon asks as Eddie looks at the doors.

“It was a draw, ” Buck says, the corners of his mouth turning up.

“Only because you cheated, ” Chris says, with big bouts of laughter emerging from his gut.

Buck pulls an exaggerated look, a stare and his mouth hanging wide open. “I… didn't cheat, ” Buck says but he can't manage the words without matching Chris’ laughter.

His whole body warming at his boys, Eddie’s eyes light up, his heart beats a little faster and his mouth stretches into a smile that pushes into his eyes. Using two fingers, Eddie runs them up and down Buck’s neck making him have a delightful shiver. Taking a second, Eddie catches Buck’s eyes and lets himself be captured by the colour of them.

Pulling himself out of Buck’s eyes, Eddie looks to Chris and Shannon. “I’ve ordered a picnic basket that they do, for lunch. I just need to get it, then we can go, ” Eddie tells all of them, reluctantly pulling away from Buck, then looking to Chris as he stands.

Returning a minute later, Eddie comes back holding a basket. As he gets to the table, Eddie stands behind Buck. “You, ready to go?” Eddie asks, resting a hand on Buck’s shoulder.

“Yeah!” Chris answers, trying to get out of the chair but getting stuck as limbs don’t listen to directions he’s giving.

Shannon helps Chris out of the chair and onto his crutches before Eddie can make the words Shannon does. “Strong legs, Chris.”

With everyone standing, Buck stretches out the cricks in his back and neck and announces, “I need to go to the restroom.”

“Me too,” Chris says, walking next to Buck.

“C’mon, then,” Buck says, looking between Shannon and Eddie. “Do any of you need to go?”

“No,” both Eddie and Shannon, as Shannon goes through her and Eddie stretches his neck into the sun.

And like that Shannon and Eddie are left alone together. Knowing this might be the only time she has, Shannon takes a hefty inhale and squares her jaw.

Licking her lips, that had been chapped ever since she made this choice, and watching the door, Shannon inches her head to Eddie. “Eddie, later, I need to talk. I need to… We just need to talk.”

It is only seconds later, that Buck and Chris loudly arrive back to them. With the boys back, Eddie just looks at her through squinted eyes and the bottom half of his jaw inching to the side. Shaking his head slightly, Eddie moves his face to a neutral happy expression then he looks to Buck and Chris. “Ready to go?” Eddie asks, shoving his hands in his pockets and shifting from foot to foot.

“Yeah,” Buck answers, walking to Eddie’s side as his body burns with the need to be near him after a shift without having to be on alert all the time.

Shannon walks next to Chris and standing behind she turns to Eddie and Buck. “We’ll go pick a spot,” she tells them and follows next to Chris as he begins walking to the beach. The plains of yellow-white sands and jade water are weirdly empty, the footprint of Shannon, Chris, Eddie and Buck are the only ones that mar the sand.

Buck picks up the bag and Eddie shifts the basket and bag to the other hand. It doesn’t take Buck any time to think, he takes Eddie’s hand in his, clinging tightly, giving him no way to wriggle out of it. Pressing his fingers against Buck’s hand, with the root of his finger, Eddie runs along the ring he gave Buck as they begin to walk to the spot that Shannon and Chris are at. 

They take their time getting there, reaching them after a minute or two. Watching them, Shannon can’t believe that was her and Eddie only a few years, it feels like another lifetime that she and Eddie were a couple.

Just as they get close enough, Chris looks up at all three of the adults, “Can we go to the sea?”

“Yeah, but let me put this stuff down first,” Eddie tells him, putting the basket down and taking the bag from Buck, putting that down too. Kneeling down, Eddie shifts around in his bag and starts speaking. “... And everyone needs sunblock.”

“I’ll do Chris,” Shannon says, holding out her hand.

Eddie gives a bottle to Shannon and pulls another one out, while pulling Buck down in front of him. “Take it off, then,” Eddie says, pulling at the hem of Buck’s t-shirt. “It’s not like you’re gonna keep it on.

Buck gives a heavy, deep laugh, his head tilting backwards as Eddie rubs the cream into his throat. As he lifts his arms to let Eddie take the t-shirt, Shannon can see the widespread black, blue and purple mural of Eddie’s lips and teeth all over his fiance’s neck, collarbone, ribcage, midriff and poking out of the waistband of his shorts.

“You know, you don’t have to be shirtless all the time,” Eddie says, the words getting caught on the edge of laughter as he moves down to Buck’s shoulder.

Buck’s giggling gets even bigger as he turns his head around to Eddie. “You’d hate it, if I wasn’t,” Buck says, leaning his head on Eddie’s shoulder. “You done?” Eddie gives a small nod then Buck lifts his head. “C’mon lets swap.”

Doing as he’s told, Eddie sits in front of Buck as he covers him in lotion. It never gets out for Eddie to have Buck’s skin against his, it is the blood heating in his veins, it is that these hands don’t have the ability to form a fist, only the ability to stroke and soothe. Buck has never had the ability to sow destruction.

All done, Eddie stands up helping Chris to do the same as Shannon and Buck follow them.

“The sea will ruin your crutches, leave them here we’ll just go slowly,” Eddie tells Chris, holding his hand and giving as much support as he can.

They walk together slowly, Eddie picking Chris back up when he falters on a step. Only a couple of steps behind, Buck being who he is, strikes up an easy but banal conversation with Shannon.

It takes them a few minutes to reach the shoreline and Chris' excitement ramps up again. As his screeching laughter reaches Buck’s and Shannon’s ears, they speed up reaching them in a few seconds.

Standing beside Chris, Shannon takes a hold of his wrists and as the wave rolls closer to their feet, she with Eddie’s help lifts Chris up and over the wave while making a cheer. Every time they do it, Chris gives the loud shrieking laughter that warms all of their souls.

While they are playing with Chris, Buck wades further into the water. As the waves come in they hit just under his ribs. A bit bored, Chris steps out of his mother and father’s grip digging his toes into the sand.

“Buck,” Christopher shouts and with any hesitation he turns around, giving Chris the biggest grin he can. “Come here.”

And Buck does, Eddie has never been able to make a thought about Buck not being there.

Standing in front of Chris, Buck bends down and with his hands forms a cup in the water then he throws his cup of water at Chris’ torso with some of it landing on Shannon and Eddie’s legs.

As fast he can, while giving a loud shout, Chris does the same thing but he gets Buck’s face.

Just after Chris, Shannon and Eddie join in, soaking all of Buck. They quickly devolve into shared laughter with many awkward throws of water. Even with laughter in every cell of her being, Shannon still feels the weight in her soul that has been building for months- a weight that she didn’t even know was there until she was struggling to think, to breathe, to even exist under it’s crushing strength.  
  
With all they did at work clawing into their muscles, hanging around in their minds, Eddie and Buck tire out and Chris matches them, with his muscles working overtime it was only a matter of time until his arms got too heavy to lift, Shannon matches them too with body doused in hormones she couldn’t do this much work for very long.

They manage to get to the sand and all of them sit on it. Chris finds his place in between Buck’s legs and Buck rests his chin on Chris’ head. “Can we build a sandcastle?” Chris asks softly, pressing his head against Buck’s chest.

“I’ll go get the bucket,” Eddie says, before Buck can give an answer that everyone already knows is yes.

As Eddie gets up, Shannon follows him. When they at the bags, Shannon looks out and stares at the way a Buck is curled around Chris, she has no idea how it is so easy for him to be so open, that the closeness she and Chris had had once is no longer there and a guilty accusing burn in her stomach reminds her that it was her leaving that made it fade away.

As she watches the two of them talk, their passion a perfect fit for each other, Chris’ eyes have the light of assurance and of being well-cherished. Chris’ eyes never do the skipping around the room with Buck as he does for Shannon, you can’t taste the fear in the air when he’s focused on Buck and not her...or even Eddie.

“After you give them the bucket,” Shannon says, looking down and then up at Eddie’s eyes for a fleeting second. “Then we’ll talk.”

“Ok,” Eddie says, slowly and hesitantly, furrowing his eyebrows and neglecting the shakiness in his blood. With a little speed, Eddie walks to Buck and Chris, carrying the bucket and a bottle of sunblock.

When he gets to his boys, Eddie places the bucket on the sand next to them, then he dumps more of the lotion onto Buck’s back.

Bending his head backwards, Buck looks up at the standing Eddie, his gaze is laced with fondness. “Eddie, I want a tan,” Buck says, sticking out his bottom lip.

“Yeah, and you burn in seconds. I don’t want to spend my days off listening to you whine about being sunburnt,” Eddie says, his voice deepening as he begins to chuckle. Finishing by his neck, Eddie pulls away slowly feeling the beat make music in Buck’s neck.

Wanting to get back to them as soon as possible, Eddie makes a quick stride to Shannon. He rests on his elbows next to Shannon on the blanket.

Shannon doesn’t even react, she just continues staring at Buck and Christopher laughing and slowly building their castle. There is both a lightness and heaviness in her brow.

Reluctantly, Eddie turns his head from them to look at Shannon. There is a look on her face that he can’t quite place, he has seen parts of it before but the others are a mystery to him.

Eddie opens his mouth about to speak but Shannon takes a deep, shaky breath and turns to him. “Do you think it hurts being like them?” Shannon asks, breathlessly as her mind gets clouded in thought.

“What do you mean?” Eddie asks, crinkling his nose and brow, finding it harder to ignore the vibrations in his blood.

Shaking her head, Shannon gives her face a small grin and turns back to Buck and Chris. “Being so open to the world. Letting everything in, feeling everything. Do you think it hurts more?”

“Um…” Eddie says, blinking a few times, confusion settling behind his eyes as he’s sure this isn’t what she wanted to talk about. “No… No. It lets them see the good easier than the bad. I think people like us hurt more, we expect it to go bad and being proved right is..”

“Is painful. ‘Cause for once you’d like it to be good,” Shannon finishes for him as her heart pounds against the bones of her ribcage.

As she opens her mouth to speak, Eddie doesn’t notice as he watches Buck and Chris laugh together. “What did you wanna talk about?” Eddie asks, rubbing his nose as the warmth of the sun hits his skin.

“I…” Shannon looks up as tears begin to fill her eyes and shakes her head while biting his lip, eventually, she looks back at Eddie. In the sunlight glowing on his face and a smile making his eyes crinkle, she sees the boy that at barely seventeen that she knew she was going to marry and wonders if what she is doing is the right decision. “I… feel like I’m sitting outside looking in through a window,” she says, forcing herself to hide the stress in her voice.

“What?” Eddie says, looking at her and wondering why she has the same kind of nervousness that she had lost in her teens.

“Buck… is good with him, and with me Chris is just…” Shannon says as Eddie watches her with a furrowed brow. “And it hurts, Eddie. Every time I see them happy together… there’s this burn in my gut and I want to cry.”

Eddie cuts Shannon off, pulling his brow into a deeper furrow and gives her a tight stare. “That’s not fair, Shannon. You left Shannon, that was always going to change everything. He’s just testing you,” Eddie bites softly, nibbling at his bottom lip.

“I know that, Eddie. Don’t you think I know that? But do you know what it’s like watching them have the bond they do, the bond we used to have?” Shannon says her voice, quickly turning to a whisper.

“I can’t imagine it’s fun but you said it yourself, they’re like each other,” Eddie says and then he shakes his head and his eyes close for a second, it takes a few moments and a couple of deep breaths before he can look at Shannon again. “And… Buck basically raised himself, he wants to make sure Chris is looked after in the way he wasn't. But I can tell him to back off if you want.”

Just as Eddie finishes speaking, a giant yelp of laughter comes from Buck and Chris as a part of the sandcastle falls down.

Together, they watch as the sun lights up their whole interaction and squint at the sun as it invades their eyes.

Squaring her jaw, Shannon straightens herself up and looks at Eddie. “No. Eddie don’t do that. Promise me, you won’t. Because and don’t get offended,” Shannon says, raising her eyebrows as high as they can go as he nods. “Buck is the only parent that Chris has had that it hasn’t got too much for. He’s the only parent that has never not been there, since he came into his life. He’s his stability.”

“Shannon…” Eddie starts to talk but the sound tails off as he doesn’t add any more words.

“No, think about it. He wouldn’t have done what I did. What we did. Buck is the kind of person that should be a parent. I… just...don’t think I’m a good Mom, not at the moment,” She says, looking at Eddie but not meeting his eyes.

Licking his lips, Eddie gazes at Shannon wrinkling his brow. “You’re talking like… Oh.” Eddie says, his voice dripping in confusion and brow still furrowed and under him the warm marbles of sand turn to hard gravel that digs into his skin then he gives a horrible, toothy smile. “You’re leaving again. When you came back you promised.” When Eddie finishes speaking, he looks away from her to Buck and Chris, and wonders if that smile is going to disappear with Shannon.

“I know what I said. I thought I was good to come back but I need more time, ” Shannon says, looking to the sea, clear of Eddie's boys.

“Don't do this, take some time. But please don’t leave again,” Eddie says, swallowing all the time trying to hide the desperation in his voice.

At Eddie’s voice and Chris’ laughter, her heart beats heavy against her ribs that she’s scared it might burst out of her chest. “ I got enough money now, I’ll give the divorce. He’s got everything he needs from you. I wouldn’t leave if I didn’t know that. He’s going to do so well with you two,” she says, looking at Eddie and trying to get him to look at her.

Doing another hard swallow that makes his Adam's apple bob, he turns to Shannon with half-lidded eyes. “I don’t care about the divorce. You don’t think he needs his mom?” Eddie asks, his voice getting stronger in barely contained anger.

“Please, Eddie. Please, Eddie. I need you to understand,” Shannon pleads, barely stopping tears springing from her eyes. “Or at least listen to why I’m doing this.”

Eddie looks at her, giving her a small grunt then looking to Chris and Buck; playing loudly and intensely, utterly unaware of the conversation happening only feet away, all the while Eddie has been tensing his jaw so tight it might snap. “He’s already eight, how much more time are you going to miss? But fine! You’re the one telling him, I can’t do that again. Do you know what it was like telling him I didn’t know when you were coming back when I didn’t even know if you were?” Eddie accuses in a low whisper that isn’t even audible among the crashing of the sea against the shore.

“Ok…” Shannon says, holding her eyes closed for a moment. “Can I take him out, just me and him? I’ll explain it then, we’ll have some quality time before I…” This time her speech has a more firm tone to it.

A rumble rips through Eddie’s chest, that could be laughter if the sound wasn’t so dirty. “Before you abandon him, again,” Eddie sneers, catching Shannon’s eyes in his own.

As Shannon looks into Eddie’s eyes, she has to will away the burning in her gut, that makes her want to get in his face and scream at him, that used to be there all the time when they were husband and wife. “Don’t do that. After our marriage, you owe me this,” Shannon points out, trying to remain steadfast, her muscles tense and using a murky, accusatory finger.

Looking at her deeper, Eddie begins to laugh a laugh that looks like it hurts. “Really? Really? I wasn’t a good husband, I know that, but really? Fine,” Eddie spits out, yet with how much venom is in his voice he still doesn’t commit to the sentence. “I’ll think about it.”

“I’m not doing this to hurt Chris… or you. You don’t think that it destroys me that I’m not enough for the child I gave birth to. But I can’t be who I need to be, not with this thing inside of me,” Shannon whispers, eventually pulling out of their locked gaze. “I need him to know that this wasn’t because… I love him, he needs to know that what’s happening isn’t his fault.”

Standing up Eddie shakes the sand off of him, “He’s having fun, let him have today,” he says, looking anywhere but Shannon.

Laughter from Buck and Chris fill Shannon’s and Eddie’s silence as they begin to destroy the castle they built.

“We should get back to them,” Shannon announces, clearing his throat just as her phone buzzes. Picking up her phone, Shannon takes a loud breath and Eddie clicks his tongue. “It’s work, I have to go.”

Eddie’s shoulder raises to his ears and lets a couple of seconds pass, his body moving with his breathing. “They can get packed up in thirty minutes,” Eddie says, still not looking at Shannon and doing everything can to keep his anger inside of him.

“No… I’ll get an Uber. He’s having fun,” Shannon says, pushing herself up to standing. Putting down her phone, Shannon softens her voice, “Eddie, I love all of you. That means Buck too, I love all of you. It’s just that Chris, well all of you deserve more than I can give.”

Eddie just watches Shannon, not saying anything, letting a harsh and heavy breath he turns his back on his soon to be properly ex-wife. “Buck, Chris! Lunch!” Eddie shouts after a bitter swallow. Looking up from the sound, Buck gives Eddie the most loving smile. As he moves to standing, Buck slings Chris over his shoulder and all the way to Eddie they are decorating the sea landscape with loud, boisterous, hearty laughter.

Placing Chris on the blanket, Buck joins him as Shannon turns to her son. “Squirt,” Shannon addresses, while forcing down the heavy nausea that sits in her throat that is getting stronger since her summons to the clinic, “I’ve got to go to work but I’ll see you really soon.”

“Ok,” Chris says in an understanding pout that only he could have even when he feels the tears behind his eyes. “I love you, Mom.”

Pulling Chris into a hug, Shannon kisses just behind his ear and whispers, “I love you, too, more than you could ever know.”

With every muscle fighting against it, Shannon pulls away and says a round of goodbyes. With the heat making the water steam off the ground, Eddie, Chris and Buck watch Shannon walk off into a cloud. None of them knew that this would be the last time that Christopher Diaz would see his mother.

* * *

**It doesn't matter who my father was; it matters who I remember he was.**

_ **\- Anne Sexton** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanna say I forget to tell you, as the last chapter ended imagine Chasing Cars playing softly in the background.  
>  Sorry about taking so long update, writer's block hit me hard.
> 
> Again, I can't believe the response and I just wanna say thank you for every comment and kudos left. 
> 
> I love comments so much, so may I have some more.


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